Lancaster Hearts (Out of Darkness - Amish Connections (An Amish of Lancaster County Saga)) (8 page)

“
Well, you can't be the wife of an
Amish man
if you're off getting an Englischer education,
”
Rachel declared.

“
Ja.
”
Judith seemed to shrink into herself all the more, her shoulders slumped, her gaze focused on the coffee in her hands.
“
Ja, I know,
”
she said.

“
Any man would be lucky to marry you,
”
Isaac blurted out.

Judith glanced up, her gaze meeting his with a mixture of shock and amazement.
“
Really?
”

“
Well of course,
”
Rachel cut in, her voice sharp, a sour expression marring her general good cheer.
“
That's not the point. It's more, to be an Amish woman, your role is to tend to house and kinner not go haring off in the Englischer world, no matter how beneficial your work might be.
”

That was the same attitude Isaac's daed also had, and Isaac admitted, one most of his friends shared, but did that mean he had to live his life by their rules? He didn't want their idea of a suitable Amish woman. He wanted Judith.

“
I think there might be room for both,
”
Isaac said.

Judith was smiling now, the same shine of joy in her that he'd seen when she walked away from the dummy after having learned how to save a life.

“
You do? Ja...I want that...
”

Isaac steeled his courage. He'd been drawn to Judith from the moment they'd met, and there was no reason to deny either of them to chance to see if they were suited to each other, just to please his daed. Yes, Isaac wanted a plain life. He found joy in his
craft of wood, the same joy he'd seen when Judith spoke of her studies, or the passion she'd shown for healing. Placing his hand on the table between them, he said,
“
If it isn't too much trouble, may I have the honor of courting you.
”

“
Ja!
”
Judith's assent was loud enough that a pair of woman at the table beside them stopped talking and looked. With eyes shining, Judith released her coffee and took his offered hand.
“
I would be honored also! I mean, ja...yes!
”

“
I'll pray for you both,
”
Rachel said with a sigh. She leaned back on her chair, shaking her head.
“
Heaven knows you'll need it.
”

Isaac couldn't help but nod in agreement. Now he had only to figure out how best to tell his daed, and weather the storm of ice and silence that came after. Still, Isaac's grip was firm as he held Judith's hand. He had chosen his path, and he would follow it as a man did, making the best decisions for himself and those he loved.

Dear God, Isaac prayed, let me find the best way to help my daed understand.

Judith and Isaac finished eating under Rachel's reproachful gaze, and while they spoke about innocuous things: the weather, their favorite books, and a bit about Isaac's visit to Amos's carpentry shop, their hands stayed clasped.

When they were finished eating, Judith took Isaac and Rachel to the library.

“
When will you be back from your work?
”
Isaac asked.
“
I'd like to call on you, if I can? But I'll need to speak with my daed first.
”

“
I don't think your daed likes me,
”
Judith said, remembering his expression when he'd spoken with her about her brother.

Isaac nodded.
“
I don't believe so either. He's terrified I'll do as my brother did and leave the community.
”

“
You don't want to leave, do you?
”

“
No,
”
Isaac said.
“
But I don't want his life either.
”

Rachel suggested,
“
Why don't you have we have you over for dinner and you can explain the situation?
”

Wide eyed with surprise and gratitude, Judith looked up at Rachel.
“
You'd do that! That's a wonderful idea, but I thought--
”

“
Isaac likes you. I can't change someone's feelings, and I wouldn't want to anyway, not really. Caleb's going to be sore disappointed though, not that he's the only one.
”
Rachel said, with a glance at Isaac.

“
Caleb?
”
It took a moment for Judith to remember the other boy and his crush.
“
He's not really--
”

Rachel shook her head.
“
Don't say that, Judith. He's just shy, that's all.
”

Judith was brave enough to hug Isaac before leaving for her class. She careful notes in her book, but she hardly remembered a word that had been said. Isaac wanted to court her. Isaac!

The happiness carried her through the week, and when Friday arrived, she arranged for a ride back to her home.
“
Mamm,
”
she said, breezing through the door at just before 5pm.
“
I'm home!
”

The smell of herb chicken and baked sweet-potatoes wafted from the kitchen. Esther came down the stairs from the second floor into the living room, carrying an armful of laundry for Saturday's washing.
“
Judith! Good, you're home. I had company this afternoon.
”

Judith asked,
“
Company?
”

The lines around Esther's eyes deepened as she looked up at her daughter.
“
Yes, Rachel and our guest preacher stopped by with his son Isaac. She wanted to invite us to a going away dinner for the pair of them, and Mr. Graber claims to have serious business to discuss with us in regards to his son. From his expression, he was none too pleased.
”

“
Rachel didn't explain?
”
Judith rubbed her cheek with her fingers, her excitement causing her to rock forward onto her toes.
“
Mamm!
”
she said,
“
Isaac--he's asked to court me!
”

Esther's eyebrows shot straight up.
“
Court you! My Lord, is that what you want?
”

“
He says he doesn't mind my schooling...that he's willing to wait. We just have to explain it to his daed.
”

“
That's wonderful,
”
Esther said, but while she smiled, the expression was tense and the light didn't reach her eyes.
“
That's a lot to ask though. How long, do you think, will you be at this schooling, and what will you do after?
”

“
I don't know,
”
Judith said.
“
I want to do something with Englischer medicine.
”

Esther's expression grew even
grimmer
.
“
And you think that will be an appropriate pursuit for an Amish wife?
”

Judith wiped her palms on the thighs of her jeans. Under her mamm's gaze, she felt exposed and wrong.
“
I don't know,
”
she said.
“
I feel God has called me to learn Englischer medicine and help serve our community that way.
”

Esther walked to the sofa and put the clothing on the table beside it. She sat down on the sofa, and tapped her hand at the empty space beside her.
“
Come here.
”

Judith sat.
“
Mamm...I thought you'd be happy.
”

“
If you've decided to settle down and become a wife, even if it means that your husband will take you to Ephrata and we won't see each other so often, I am happy, of course. If you decide you want to continue with your Englischer schooling and take on an Englischer profession, I may not understand it, but you're my daughter, and if that's your choice, I will also find joy in it.
”
Esther sighed, and then taking her daughter's hands said,
“
But Judith, you can't be an Englischer woman and an Amish woman at the same time. It's not fair to you, and if you care for this boy, it isn't fair to him either.
”

Judith couldn't meet her mamm's gaze. It was like a thousand insects were crawling along the inside of her skin. Judith had been so happy, just knowing that maybe she and Isaac might be able to have something, in spite of all realities that spoke otherwise, but her mamm was right. Since Judith had sat with her daed in the field and watched him die, she'd always felt there was something more she should have known, could have done, and that if she struggled and learned, she'd be able to save the next person's life. But what had God called Judith to do, truly? Wasn't He the final arbiter of life and death, and if so, was her desire to learn Englischer medicine an attempt to put herself and her desires above God's? With Isaac, she had been offered love. With Englischer medicine, she'd been offered a chance to right the scales. She couldn't see herself sacrificing either.

“
I know this is difficult for you,
”
Esther said.
“
And this is a part of why we have
Rumspringa
, to make our choice.
”
She stood.
“
Now, you'll need to iron your best dress for tomorrow. Mr. Graber certainly has strict beliefs about the
Ordnung
, and if you're thinking to be his daughter-in-law, it's best to make a good second impression.
”

“
Yes, mamm,
”
Judith said. Putting her backpack over her shoulder, she went upstairs to change for dinner. Her younger sister Miriam was already there, sitting on the edge of the bed, putting on her socks. Her frizzy brown hair had been tamed into two, unfo
rgiving braids. She looked up in feigned surprise as Judith entered.

“
I know you were listening,
”
Judith said.
“
Where's Mary?
”

“
In the bath. Mamm insisted since she got herself covered in mud up to her knees and elbows. She's as happy about it as a drenched kitten.
”

Judith laughed.

“
But what is it about Isaac Graber courting you? I thought you were going to be an
Englischer
doctor.
”

“
I never said anything--
”

“
Yes, but it's all you talk about, and you work in a hospital, and you've read every one of daed's books at least three times.
”

Judith sat down on her bed and started stripping her Englischer clothes.
“
I like Isaac,
”
she said.
“
And he said he would wait until I finished my education.
”

“
Well, that's good, then, isn't it?
”
Miriam said with a hesitant smile.
“
Why do you look so sad?
”

“
What if I don't finish?
”
Judith said, pulling her t-shirt over her head.
“
What if I want to keep going? It takes ten years, first a four year college, and then medical school and hospital training, before you even become a doctor. That's lots of hours, and then I'd still be working. I can't ask Isaac to wait that long, and for what? But if I stay with him, then I'll have to give up my dream.
”
Judith balled the t-shirt up and threw it at the wall beside her bed. It slid down and landed in a heap of white and red.
“
There isn't any right answer!
”

“
Have you asked God? That's what mamm says to do, when you're troubled. You should pray, and see what God wants you to do.
”

“
I have prayed,
”
Judith said,
“
But I haven't received an answer.
”

Miriam shrugged,
“
Well, maybe God's just been waiting for the right time to let you know.
”

“
I wish He was a bit faster about it,
”
Judith muttered, and Miriam laughed.

They had dinner, and the next morning was spent, in addition to the usual farm work, with baking and cooking for the dinner that evening.

“
Another bath?
”
Mary had exclaimed when Esther had them start getting changed for the dinner.
“
But I took one yesterday!
”
Her voice drew out in an unattractive whine.

Esther's eyes narrowed.
“
And you'll have another today,
”
she said.
“
We're here to support Judith, and we're going to leave the best impression we can. All of us.
”

At Esther's expression, Mary took a step back,
“
Yes, mamm,
”
she said and scampered up to the stairs. Judith followed, more slowly. She'd pressed her best dress this morning, a dark blue that brought out her eyes. There were also some other small things she
could do to make herself beautiful for Isaac. She chose her apron with care, tying it so that it came in at a pleasing way at her waist. There wasn't much else she could do for her hair besides re-braiding it, but she chose her best kapp, the fabric a nice cream color that she felt complimented her skin. She finished in the bathroom, washing her face, brushing her teeth, and putting a puff of baby powder down the inside of her shirt so she'd smell pleasant. She was careful, as always since her class, to remember the CPR mouth shield, which she slipped into the pocket of her apron.

Judith helped her mamm gather the food into cloth bags and place it in the buggy. Normally, Judith rode in the front, helping her brother guide the horses, but today, in the interest of looking more like a proper Amish woman, she rode in the back, the bag of food between her feet. Mary sat across from her, squinting at a crossword puzzle, a half-length chewed pencil between her teeth. In spite of her bath, she still looked a mess, her two wet braids tied off unevenly, and her kapp pulled back so that the straps were behind her ears.

“
A large, edible orange root,
”
Mary mumbled.
“
That's a carrot! But who's Roger Rabbit?
”

Miriam shrugged.
“
Englischer stuff.
”

As the buggy swayed, Judith closed her eyes, and folding her hands together on her lap, prayed, Dear God, I am so confused. I think I could grow to love Isaac, but I also feel called to study Englischer medicine. I never want another family to suffer what mine has when my daed died. Please show me what you want me to do. What's my path? And please give me the courage to face Isaac's daed, that he might see me as a worthy choice for his son, if that is what you want for me.

Judith closed her eyes a while longer, trying to make her mind empty, listening to the clip-clop of the horse's hooves and the rattle of the wheels on the pavement, and while she received no answer, a certain peace settled in her heart. God would give her an answer, she decided, though she might not like it. Emboldened by her prayer, she opened her eyes and let her gaze drift over the fields outside.