Knowing Me Knowing You (34 page)

‘
No. Well
,
not intentionally
.
I don’t know, I don’t really know what she does or why she does it but I can’t believe in something that has no logical explanation,
’
Kate said determinedly.

‘
Like love?
’

‘
What?
’

‘
Love, romance.
That doesn’t have any logical explanation
,
or
are you of the belief that love happens because of a chemical reaction between two people?
’

‘
No of course not,
’
Kate scoffed.

‘
So if you believe in love, something
that
has no set course, no logic to it, why can’t you believe that Hermione can read the runes?
’

‘
I don’t know,
’
Kate answered stupidly, looking at Joel and swallowing.

Why was he making her nervous?

‘
I’ll make the coffee; it’s probably too deep a conversation to have when we’re both worse for wear,
’
Joel said, getting to his feet.

‘
I hope Lynn’s OK with Darren
.
H
e could hardly stand up when they left, which is bad enough for someone with two good arms, let alone someone with only one.
’

‘
She seems really nice,
’
Joel replied as he made coffee.

‘
She is
,
she’s so nice.
I
n fact she is the nicest person in the whole office and a fantastic secretary.
’

‘
Kate, I’d already met Darren
-
before tonight,
’
Joel stated nervously.

‘
Oh?
’

‘
Yeah, that's what I wanted to tell you before.
’

‘
Oh.
’

‘
Well, there was more to it than that; I wanted to tell you about the Army, about why I didn't want to talk about it.
’

‘
You don't need to tell me anything,
’
Kate said immediately.

‘
I want to,
’
Joel said firmly.

‘
You're shaking,
’
Kate remarked, looking at his hands.

He was nervously playing with them, cupping them together then almost wringing them out.

‘
I'm OK,
’
he insisted.

‘
Come and sit down,
’
Kate ordered, making room for him on the sofa.

Joel did as he was told and continued to hold one shaking hand with another.

‘
When I was in
Afghanistan
, something really bad happened and I’m still struggling to come to terms with it,
’
Joel began.

‘
You don’t have to ex
plain anything to me Joel I...
’
Kate started.

‘
It was OK out there to begin with, well not OK, but bearable and at the end of the day it was just a job, an important job that needed to be done,
’
Joel continued as if not hearing her.

Kate just watched him, seeing the tension enter his whole body as he spoke.

‘
Well, one day, we were pushing deep into enemy territory, looking to take ground and clear an area
that
was one of the enemy strongholds. We were engaged, unexpectedly, by far more enemy than anticipated and it turned from something routine into
-
well, a bloodbath.
’

Kate swallowed, hearing the pain in his voice.

‘
All of them were killed, every one of my troop, except me. I ran, I called in air support and I spent the next few minutes hiding in the smallest niche you can imagine praying the strike would miss me,
’
Joel explained
his voice faltering as he concluded.

‘
Oh Joel,
’
Kate said
not knowing what else to say.

‘
I just can’t get over it. It happened almost three years ago and it’s always on my mind. They were my friends, they were like family to me and all of them died. I feel so guilty because I’m here and they’re not and not a day goes by without me thinking about it. Why didn’t I die? Why was I the only lucky one?
’
Joel questioned tears brimming in his eyes.

‘
Oh goodness, you can’t think like that,
’
Kate said, sitting forward and taking his hands in hers.

‘
I know I have to try and move on but I just can’t. I’ve had counselling, I’ve had tablets to try and hel
p but it doesn’t get any better.
I can’t forget and I can’t sleep. I get nightmares and flashbacks and they’re so real, it’s like I’m there all over again. That day when the car backfired, I thought I was back there, you know I heard that sound every day and it still terrifies me,
’
Joel continued the tears finally spilling from his eyes.

‘
Oh Joel, don’t cry, please.
’

‘
Sorry, it’s just I had to tell you in case Darren told
Lynn
and she told you and I needed you to hear it from me. Darren was there you see, not there when it happened
,
but in Afghanistan at the same time, part of my regiment. After that day I couldn’t carry on, I couldn’t
even bear to hold my gun
any
more
and the smell of the uniform just made me wretch. And afterwards I know some of the others felt differently towards me and I couldn’t bear them looking at me, knowing they resented the fact I was alive and their mates weren’t. It wasn’t my fault they all got killed but it has to be my fault that I survived. Why wasn’t I up front that day? I was always up front, what made me hang back?
’

‘
I’m so sorry I pried and asked you about it, it’s none of my business and I apologise if I made things worse,
’
Kate said, putting her arms around him and holding him tightly.

‘
N
o, don’t be sorry.
I
t isn’t your fault and it wasn’t just seeing Darren that made me need to tell you about it,
’
Joel spoke, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand and looking at Kate.

‘
I don’t understand.
’

‘
I haven’t been able to talk about it before. Not to anyone. I had counselling session after counselling session and I still couldn’t talk about that actual day.
’

‘
I still don’t understand.
’

‘
You said honesty was important to you and that’s why I had to tell you about
Afghanistan
, about what it did to me and how it still affects me.
’

‘
I appreciate that,
’
Kate answered.

‘
I’m not making myself clear am I?
’

‘
No.
’

Joel leant forward and kissed her on the mouth, softly and tenderly. Kate was
taken aback but she didn’t move.
S
he let him kiss her and she touched his cheek with her hand as he drew away again.

‘
I’m trying to tell you that I’m falling for you,
’
Joel blurted out.

His words almost took Kate’s breath away. She took a deep breath inwards and just touched her lips with her fingers and looked at him, unable to speak.

‘
I know what you’re thinking
.
Y
ou think I don’t know what I’m saying, you think that spending all this time together pretending to be a
couple has clouded my judgement -
well it hasn’t. I haven’t escorted since you asked me to help you win t
he money.
I don’t know why, it just didn’t feel right. I felt something for you then and I wanted to find out what it was. I still want to find out,
’
Joel continued.

‘
I don’t know what to say. Is this because of what Miranda said? Because you don’t have to pretend anything because of that,
’
Kate admitted.

‘
I’m not pretending anything. Look, I know things are difficult for you right now, with Matthew, but I want to be much more than an escort to you Kate.
’

Kate swallowed as Joel took hold of her hand.

‘
Have I just made a complete fool of myself?
’
he asked her.

‘
No, no of course not.
I just had no idea you felt like that, no idea at all. I mean Miranda’s right, look at you, look at me,
’
Kate spoke.

‘
Why do you keep saying that? I’m nothing special, and you’ve just heard it, I’m damaged, on the inside. I don’t know whether that can ever be
repaired. You, you are amazing.
Y
ou’re strong and you’re beautiful and you have this big honest heart and you make me laugh. No one’s ever made me feel quite like you do.
These past weeks learning about each other has
been the best time I’ve had for such a long time.
’

Kate couldn’t say anything, the words were battering her heart, trying to fight their way in but for some reason she couldn’t open the door to them.

‘
I shouldn’t have said anything; you don’t feel anything like the same way do you?
’
Joel spoke, standing up and running his hands through his hair.

‘
No. I mean, I don’t know, it’s complicated
.
I’m complicated and all this has come right out of the blue.
’

‘
And you’re still in love with Matthew. It’s OK; I think I already knew that.
’

‘
No, no I’m not and Joel you are so nice and if thing
s were different then maybe...
’

‘
You’d consider it?
’

‘
Yes, but at the moment only in the
“
God he’s so hot I wonder what he would be lik
e in bed”
kind of way and that’s not really fair because there is so much more to you than that. I’m just not sure I’m ready for anything else yet,
’
Kate responded, blushing as she spoke.

‘
Thinking I’m hot is a start,
’
Joel replied.

‘
Of course you’re hot; I was the envy of every woman in that room tonight.
’

Joel smiled at her.

‘
But you know that right?
’

‘
It’s just superficial. It isn’t important.
’

‘
No but...
’

‘
I thought your burlesque routine was the most sensual thing I’ve ever seen,
’
Joel admitted, looking at Kate with his saucer
-
sized eyes.

Kate swallowed and gazed back at him.

‘
I couldn’t keep my eyes off you,
’
he whispered.

She could see his breathing was rapid and her own heart was banging an intense rhythm on her ribcage. A ripple of desire surged through her, heating up parts of her that had been cold for so long.

‘
I really don’t want to sleep on this very small sofa,
’
Joel admitted, coming back over to
her
.

‘
I don’t want you to either,
’
Kate found herself replying, shaking as he sat down next to her again.

‘
Let’s just be honest with each other. I want you Kate. I want t
o hold you and kiss you and...
’
Joel started, brushing her hair with his hand.

‘
I want you too,
’
Kate interrupted quickly desire overriding her mind.

Joel kissed her; intensely this time and she clung to him, enjoying the sensation of his firmness against her.
Effortlessly he picked her up and carried her into the bedroom.