Knotted Roots (23 page)

“No,
you were right.  I do...push people away.  And I was pushing you away.  I think
a small part of me is wishing that you would just hate me and get it over
with.  Then it would be so much easier to leave.”

“Is
that what you want? To leave?” he whispered against my hand.  The feel of his
breath against my skin brought back memories of our night in my room.  I
shivered as I remembered the feel of his calloused hands sliding across my
skin, on the underside of my breast.

“I
don’t know...maybe.  I don’t know what the hell I want anymore.  One minute I
want nothing more than to rip your clothes off,” his mouth fell open in shock,
causing me to giggle.  “And other times I want to go home.  I miss my parents. 
I miss the city.  But if I leave...what happens to Grandma?  I just don’t
know.”

Chase
stood up and walked over to the window, his hands nestled in the front pockets
of his jeans.  I stared at his back, noticing the way his t-shirt clung to his
shoulders, his muscles on display for all to see.  I let my eyes trail down his
body, taking in his form, branding the image in my memory.

“So...that’s
what you’ve been worried about?  Going home?” he asked without turning around.

“It’s
what I’ve always worried about.  But...the thought of going home hasn’t felt
right lately.  Every time I think about it, my stomach knots up and I feel like
I’m gonna puke.”  I pulled myself up to a sitting position and watched as Chase
turned back towards me. 

“Then
stay.  Obviously you like it here.  Why not just stay here? Who said you have
to go back to New York?” The hope in his voice and in his eyes nearly broke my
heart.  I could tell this was something that he felt strongly about.  I had
been thinking about that the night he stayed in my room, but I hadn’t had a
chance to really make a decision. 

“I
don’t think that is going to work.  My life is in New York.  Besides, my
parents would never let me.” 

He
walked over and sat down on the end of the bed.  He grabbed my hand and
squeezed.  “At least consider the option.  You still have a few weeks until you
have to leave.  I’m not asking you to make a decision right now, but at least
think about it.  I care about you.  A lot.  I don’t think life around here
would be the same if you left.”

“Chase...I
can’t...my parents. Look, I’ll think about it.  That’s all I can promise,” I
replied in a rush of words.  I didn’t want to tell him that the seed had
already been planted.  I hadn’t talked to my parents about it yet, and I didn’t
want to get his or Grandma’s hopes up.  Regardless of what they were going
through right now, there was always the chance that they would say no. 

I
couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if they said yes.  Could I really
give up my old life for one here? 

* * * *

I
was finally by myself, after two hours of being watched over and coddled.  I
didn’t mind someone taking care of me, especially someone as hot as Chase, but
I needed to be alone.  I needed time to think about what I was going to do.  A
knock at the door caused me to jump, and then let out a loud sigh.  I didn’t
want more company and I thought I had made that perfectly clear.

“Am
I in the right room?” asked a woman as she poked her head in the door.  I had a
vague recollection of her face, but her voice was the trigger.  Cindy.  My
mother’s old friend who had tried to welcome me to town when I first arrived. 
Out of all the people in the town, why would she be here? Especially after the way
I had treated her that day.  “May I come in?”

I
sat up in the bed and pulled the blanket up to my chest. “Sure, come on in.”
She walked in, looking much less nervous than she had that first day.  It was
hard to imagine that it had been over two months ago.  “What can...what brings
you...what are you doing here?”  She smiled at me and some of my apprehension
dissolved.

“Betty
called me.  She said that she hoped you and I could talk. 
About...well...everything.  What she’s going through.  What you’re going through. 
Anything and everything,” she replied as she stood at the foot of the bed.  I
waved my hand, indicating that she should sit down, and she lowered herself
down on the edge of my bed.  “I don’t expect that my words will change your
life, but I hope that you at least hear me out.”

“This
is about the cancer, right?” I was nervous.  I didn’t know what this woman, who
I barely knew, could possibly understand about what I was feeling.

“My
mother died when I was eleven from Breast Cancer,” she started.  “She was such
an amazing woman, so full of life.  But when she was diagnosed she lost
something.  I didn’t know what it was then, but I know now that it was her
hope.  She kept hearing that her only choice was radiation and chemo.  But she
didn’t want that.  She had heard the horror stories.”

Cindy
stood up and paced the room; her shoulders slumped as she walked.  “She didn’t
want to live like that.  The doctors told her that her survival rate would be
even lower if she didn’t, but she knew that either way, she was going to die. 
She wanted to die on her own terms.  She didn’t want a doctor lowering the boom
on her, telling her when her life would be over.”

I
slid to the edge of the bed as she spoke, my legs swinging over the edge. “How
long did they think she would live?” I had to ask.  Her mother may not have
wanted to know, but I needed this.  I needed to know what I was facing.

“Six
months,” she said with a sad smile.  “But she defied all odds.  She resisted
the treatments, instead just making a bigger effort to take care of herself. 
She lived another two years before her body just gave out.”  She stopped pacing
and looked me right in the eye.  Her face was determined and strong.  “I’m
telling you this because your grandma needs you to understand why she chose
what she did.  She didn’t choose this path to hurt you.  She chose this path to
save you some pain.”

“I
get it. I do,” I said as I stood up and planted my feet.  “I don’t want to
understand, but I do.  It’s hard to watch someone you...care about...shit.
Love. Let’s just be real about it. I love her.  It’s hard to watch her die.  It
would be easier if she...” I couldn’t finish the sentence.  It was too much to
say aloud. 
If she would die quickly.
 

Cindy
walked over and pulled me to her, her arms squeezing me tightly.  “I, better
than anyone else, know how you’re feeling.  It’s okay to feel that way. Embrace
it.  That anger will help you.  But just remember that the anger you feel isn’t
toward her.  It’s toward the disease.” She lightly kissed me on the forehead
before pulling away from me.  “I also want you to know that I’m here.  When you
leave, I’ll be here to help Betty.  I would never abandon her, especially since
she basically saved my life when I was a kid.”

I
was confused by her statement.  Grandma saved her life?  “How?” I asked
quickly.  “I mean, what did she do?”

She
turned away from me, but I caught sight of tears welling up before she could
hide it.  When she spoke, the pain was stifling her words.  “When my mother
finally succumbed to the disease, your grandmother took me in.  She let me into
her family.  My dad was never the same after she died, always drinking and
yelling.  He wasn’t a perfect man before she died, but after...It was like
living with a stranger.

“So
Betty convinced him to give up custody of me.  She knew that your mother and I
were already like sisters.  It wasn’t a stretch for us to make it permanent.” 
She paused as she wiped away the moisture that had escaped her eyes.  “To this
day, I’ve never told anyone what I had planned to do.  The day before she took
me in, I had contemplated ending it all.  I missed my mom so much...all I
wanted was to see her again.”

Cindy
sat down again, lowering her head to her hands.  She could no longer control
herself, her body shook as her emotions took over.  I could do nothing but
stare at her.  She was opening up, telling me things that she hadn’t even told
my mother.  My mother who was her best friend, and her sister, for years.  I
knew there was nothing I could say that would help her.  She had to get all of
this out in the open on her own.

“Betty
saved my life.  I stayed with your family until I was eighteen.  Angela and I
were sisters by then, but we fought like them as well.  When we went our
separate ways for college, we lost touch.  I’ve regretted that every day of my
life.” She looked up at me, her face red and puffy from crying.  “I kept in
touch with Betty over the years, but we slowly drifted apart.  I was no longer
here to see her, and she wouldn’t leave the farm long enough to visit.  So...we
lost touch for a while.”

I
snorted as I thought about how many people Grandma had deserted all because of
that stupid farm.  “That farm seems to be her only true love,” I replied, the
bitterness strong in my voice, but I didn’t want to control it.  At that
moment, I wanted vengeance for my mother.  For Cindy.  These two women, who
loved Grandma, who had lost out to a piece of land full of smelly animals. 
“She treated my mother the same way.”

Cindy
looked shocked by my words.  There was a flicker of hurt on her face, but it
passed so quickly that I could have been mistaken.  “You’re wrong.  It wasn’t
the farm itself that meant so much.  It was the people here who still needed
her.  Chase...Brian...just to name a few.  These are kids from broken homes. 
Kids that wouldn’t know the true meaning of family, because theirs were so
completely torn apart.”

I
was getting angry.  Could she not see what had actually happened?  Grandma had
made her choice, and it hadn’t been her or my mother.  “What about you? And my
mom? What about the two people that she called her own?  She threw you both
away.  How can you say that she is this savior, when she has hurt those around
her for years?”

“She
let us grow on our own.  That’s not letting us go.  Sometimes there are times
that we, as adults, have to make hard choices.  She chose to help those that
were still here.  Without her, Chase and Brian would have ended up God knows
where.  Their parents weren’t bad.  Just self-absorbed.  They both spent too
much time working, not enough with their kids.  Betty stepped in, offered to
babysit for them, and the rest is history.”

“When
their dad died, their mother completely closed off.  But they aren’t the only
kids that your grandma helped.  There are more.  A lot more.” I could hear the
reverence in her voice when she spoke of Grandma.  I still felt the loss deep
within my heart, but at least I now knew why she had done what she had.  I
wished that she had told me, but then I thought back to our conversations. 
Most of them ended in yelling.  Not once had I ever allowed her a true chance
to tell me about her past. 

Never
once had I stopped thinking about how I felt and put myself in her shoes. 
Until now.  And I now knew that all the pain and anger I harbored towards her
was unfounded.  She hadn’t abandoned me.  She knew that my parents took good
care of me and that I would want for nothing.  If what Brian told me was true,
she had kept tabs on me and my achievements growing up.  She did care.  She
just knew that there were others who needed her so much more than I did.

The
full realization of everything I had put her through over the summer came
slamming back into me.  I had been a monster to her, never giving her the
chance to truly know me.  She had tried, but I pushed her away every time. 
Everyone around me knew me better than I knew myself, all of them picking up on
my insecurities and issues long before I even realized it.  I knew right then
and there that I had to make it right.  I had to make the most of the time we had
left. 

With
my mind made up I walked over to where Cindy sat.  I placed my hand on her
shoulder as she looked up at me.  “Thank you.”  She smiled up at me and I
returned the gesture.  My mind was made up.  My next step was to make a few
phone calls that would change the course of my life forever.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

A
week later, as I sat in Grandma’s truck at the airport, I waited for my
parents’ plane to arrive.  I had called them that night, after Cindy left, and
talked to them about my idea.  They weren’t happy, not in the least bit.  They
couldn’t understand why I wanted to do this, but before they would even
consider it, they wanted to come down here and talk to me and Grandma. 

I
told Grandma that they were coming a few days ago.  She was confused as to why
they would visit, but I assured her that all would be divulged once they
arrived.  She had remained suspicious of me since then.  Chase told me that she
had tried to get the information from him, but he kept his lips sealed.  He
knew, of course, that they were coming and what I planned to talk to them
about.  The day I told him I swear he was the happiest I had ever seen him.

“Are
you serious? You’re staying?” he asked, his hands shaking in his lap.  We were
sitting on the back of his truck, both of us lost in the beauty of the Southern
night sky.

“That’s
my goal.  I want to stay with Grandma. She needs me,” I replied as I stared up
at the sparkling stars in the sky.  “Plus, there are a few people here that I
would really miss if I left.”

“I can
think of one person who would be devastated.”

I
turned to face him, a wide grin on my face. “Oh really? Who would that be?” I
wanted him to say the words.  I wanted him to tell me what he felt for me.

“Brian
would be so ups-” I clapped my hand over his mouth as his body began to shake
with laughter.  When his giggles subsided, I removed my hand, giving him the
best glare that I could muster, even though I was dying to laugh as well. 
“While I’m sure he would miss you...it’s not him that would be devastated. 
It’s me.”