Kiss the Girl (60 page)

Sloan strolled into the apartment with an assurance that had Nixie backing up automatically to make room.  “
What, I need an excuse to visit my only child?
”

Nixie shut the door and followed her mother into the apartment
, the old bitterness welling up,
tightening
her throat.  Nixie seized
on
it with a shaming gratitude. 
After the past week, s
he was used to living with a constant, weeping ache, but at least this was pain from a different source.  That was something. 

“Last I check
ed you didn’t have a child,” Nixie
said
, taking a savage satisfaction in spewing some of the ugliness inside onto somebody else
.  “You had a mission and that was plenty for you.
  Why the sudden desire to play mommy?
”

Sloan stopped in the living room
, her hands folded in front of her, her eyes alive with a shimmering pain that matched Nixie’s own.
 
That small display of honest emotion was enough to startle Nixie into silence but what came next stunned her into utter disorientation.

“I deserve that,” Sloan said quietly.  “That and more.  God knows, after what I’ve done to you over the years, I have no right to
give
motherly advice.  But your little speech the other night
was possibly the bravest, most courageous stand I’ve ever seen another person take.  You
inspired
me, Nixie.  We were both just enduring life, but you stood up and said no.  You
demanded
more and now I am, too.”  She
reached one tentative hand into the space between them but it faltered and dropped before
she made contact
.  “I have never been more proud of you. 
God knows
I
haven’t acted like it
, but I
do
love you.
  And that’s why I’m going to say this to you.
” 

Nixie frowned, caught between the old bitterness and a ridiculous flutter of hope. 
“
Say what?
”

“
Get dressed.”

Nixie squashed the stupid spurt of disappointment
.  This was Sloan, after all.  What had she expected?  She
waved a hand at her
yoga pants and tank top.
“I am dressed.”

“No, honey,
dressed
.  We’re going out.”

Nixie glanced toward the window, to the bustling
streets of DC.  Where she ought to be carving out a new life for herself with the freedom
she’d paid so dearly for
.

A life that wouldn’t include Erik.  His choice, not hers, no matter what she said.
  A life that might include Sloan, though not the mother she’d always longed for.

“I’m not ready yet,
”
Nixie said.
  She looked away, didn’t want Sloan to see the fear
, the raw hurt that simply wouldn’t abate
.  “I
need more time
.”

Sloan
didn’t falter this time.  She reached out and took Nixie’s chin in long, cool fingers,
forced
her to meet those famous silver eyes
.
  Eyes that held compassion but not a single spark of sympathy.
 

“
No,” Sloan said.  “
No more time. 
I know something about heart break
, Nixie
. 
When your father died, I thought I’d died with him.  God knows I wanted to. 
The grief, my
God
. 
It
swallow
ed
me whole and
I let it.  I hid inside that insane sorrow
because
it
was easier to let it define me than to get over
it
and risk that kind of pain ever again.”

Nixie stared at her mother
, trying desperately to keep her chin from wobbling
.  “I can see the wisdom in that,” she managed.
  Please, she thought.  Don’t let me cry in front of Sloan. 

“
It wasn’t wisdom, Nixie,” she said gently.  “It was cowardice.  And it cost me everything from my self-respect to my precious baby girl.”

Tears rushed into Nixie’s eyes and she tried to turn away but Sloan held fast. 

“Don’t misunderstand, Nixie,” Sloan said.  “I’m not excusing myself. 
Grief is
no justification for what I’ve done
to you.
  But
you need to know that I love you.  I have always loved you.  But I wasn’t brave enough to
act on it.  I couldn’t
get out from under the pain you’re
trapped
under right now.  The pain I can see in your face.”

Nixie stopped struggling, ju
st let her mother touch her cheeks
with gentle fingers, brush away the tears that fell
there
.  Because she finally understood.  She understood it all.  Only now with this great beast of anguish crouching inside her, the one she was terrified would never leave
,
could she grasp the kind of pain that would drive a woman’s heart as far underground as Sloan’s.  The knowledge didn’t erase a life’s worth of scarring,
but it gave her enough room
, just barely enough room
for a new perspective
.
  For forgiveness.  For putting down
some
small part of her burden of pain.

She reached up, laid her hands over her mother’s and closed her eyes, soaking in the simple comfort of her touch.

Sloan cleared a suspiciously tight-sounding throat
. 
“
But
I was a coward,
Nixie,
while you most assuredly are not
. 
There’
s too much of your father in you for that
and y
ou
’
re done hiding now, do you hear me?”

“I’m not hiding,” Nixie said, unconvincing even to her own ears. 

“You’re done pitying yourself, too.
”  Sloan went on as if Nixie hadn’t spoken.
 
“
The kind of life you’re after, the kind you splashed out for last week?  It costs, Nixie.”  Sloan put both hands in Nixie’s shoulders and
drilled her with an uncompromising gaze
.
 
“
Now the only question is, a
re you willing to pay for it?”

Nixie stared into her mother’s eyes,
into the mingled sternness and compassion she found there
.
  Into the bottomless love
she’d been looking for all her life.

She sighed.  “Yeah, all right,” she said.  “No point wasting a good scene, I guess.”

Sloan smiled.  “There’s my girl.
  Now go get dressed.  I want to show you something.”
  She paused.  “Some make up wouldn’t kill you, either.”

The cab that dropped them at the clinic didn’t linger.  If
it
hadn’t been Sloan Leighton
doing the asking, Nixie doubted the guy would’ve ventured into Anacostia at all.  As it was, he shot away from the curb like he’d been fired from a cannon. 

Nixie wished like hell she was
with him.

“It’s Sunday,” she said.  “The clinic’s closed until noon.  Can we please go home now?”

“No,” Sloan said, tucking a hand into Nixie’s elbow and hauling her toward the alley.  “You need to see this.”

“For the last time, see
what
?”

Sloan tapped a few buttons on her cell phone.  “We’re here,” she said and flipped the ph
one shut.  Nixie frowned at her. 

“Who was
--”

T
he clinic’s rear door swung open.
 
“Come on in,” Mary Jane
said.
 
“
They’re just starting.”

Sloan hustled Nixie into the narrow hallway, a finger to her lips as they followed Mary Jane toward the front of the building. 

“Starting what?” Nixie asked, but nobody answered.  They moved into the receptionist’s pen where
Tyrese
sat twisting idly in Wanda’s chair.  Nixie blinked at him
in surprise.  He nodded at her
then turned back to the scene unfolding in the waiting room.

Nixie followed his gaze to the rows of ugly chairs, and her heart took a hard thump when she saw Erik sitting there with his mother and
Missy Jensen from Channel Four
News.

She didn’t think, didn’t blink, didn’t breathe.  She couldn’t tear her eyes away from him, the planes of his face, the warm wheat of his hair, that supe
r-hero jaw of his.  Those light
ning strike eyes.  Those strong, square hands on the knees of his jeans.  Everything in her rose up and yearned toward him.

I
am an i
diot, she thought. 
I’m an idiot and my heart has a death wish
.  But she didn’t look away.

Sloan’s hand found hers, and Nixie gripped it with desperate strength.  “Mom,
what is this
?” she asked. 

“Just listen, okay?  Listen to him.  Give him a chance.”

Mary Jane took her other hand, squeezed it and
gave her an encouraging smile
.
  Nixie resigned herself to living through whatever the next ten minutes would hold and turned her attention to the waiting room.

“
So Erik,” Missy said, camera man hovering behind her shoulder, “you’re a pretty private guy.”

Erik nodded.  “I grew up on the campaign trail
.  I learned early on to
guard what’s private or find it on the front page of The Post
.
”

“
I think it’s fair to say you’ve done an excellent job.  Most people have no idea
you’re Senator Larsen’s
son, nor that you share a cause.”

“Chi
ldren’s health, yes.”  He smiled but his
eyes
stayed
serious.  “Part of keeping my private life private means not playing the mommy card every time I want or need some attention, even when it’s for a good cause.”