Kiss Me Like You Mean It (4 page)

If you and your ungrateful, hostile, and attitude-challenged teenager survive through high school, two things will happen. One, your health is broken. Two, you must now spend your retirement savings on college. Talk about a gamble! All that money for a kid you’re not even sure is going to turn out well. With your health broken and your money spent, you must spend your declining years praying that one of your kids will have pity on you and take care of you. That’s the reason Sandy and I had four kids. We figure at least one of them will look after us when we’re in our wheelchair years.

Our children are precious to us. They also demand huge amounts of time, attention, energy, and money. Because of this, it is very easy to neglect your spouse as you attempt to meet the all-consuming needs of your children.

Kids are one of what I call The Big Six: persons and activities that can sneak ahead of your spouse on your priority list. Read my description of The Big Six below, and be honest about which of them
you
are making
more important
than your marriage partner.

Your Kids

Raise your hand if you are placing your kids above your spouse. Go ahead, don’t be ashamed. You have a lot of company. My wife Sandy and I spent years making this mistake. The cold, hard reality of a child-centered home hit me between my sleep-deprived eyes one fateful night.

My lovely wife and I were sound asleep. It was the middle of the night. Suddenly, I sensed the presence of someone by my bedside. I cracked open an eye to take a look. Was it a burglar? No. I almost wished it had been. At least that would have been a good reason to be roused out of the few paltry hours of sleep I struggled to get each night.

It was one of my daughters, of course. She’ll remain nameless for her own protection. I immediately closed my eye and pretended to be asleep, hoping that Sandy would be forced to deal with the little intruder. What a waste of time that was. Sandy said, “Nice try, you weasel. She came to your side. She loves her daddy. So, Daddy can handle her.”

My daughter and I engaged in this wonderful dialogue:

Daughter: “I’m scared.”

Dad: “No, I’m scared. I’m scared I won’t be able to get back to sleep.”

Daughter: “There’s a monster in my room.”

Dad: “I’m not sure what’s worse, a monster in your room or a kid in mine. Maybe you can ask the monster for help.”

Daughter: “I can’t sleep.”

Dad: “Really? Neither can I, now.”

Daughter: “I think my bed is wet.”

Dad: “No, honey, we’re past the think stage. I can tell by the smell. It’s wet.”

Daughter: “I need water.”

Dad: “Your bed is wet, and you want water? I don’t think so.”

Desperate for some help or—at the very least—some show of moral support, I nudged Sandy. She said, “What? What are you looking at? I gave birth to that kid and it hurt, a lot. It won’t hurt you nearly as much to change her bed and get her some clean pajamas.” And then my wonderful wife rolled over and returned to her blissful sleep.

Right at that moment, in the middle of the night, I had my marital epiphany. In a loud voice, I screeched: “These kids are killing us!” Our daughter didn’t understand it, and I don’t think Sandy even heard it. But I meant it.

I realized that our relationship was all about the kids. As a psychologist, I had counseled hundreds of parents to not allow their marriages to become child-centered. Too bad I wasn’t following my own advice. Sandy and I were as child centered as you can get.

When working with traditional as well as blended families, I can’t tell you how many times parents have told me, “My kids are more important to me than my spouse.” “I love my kids more than my spouse.” I ask them to show me where it says in the Bible that children are more important than a spouse. Of course, they can’t do it.

It doesn’t make any difference if your spouse is your first or your third. Your spouse is more important than your kids! If you focus too much on your kids, you’ll hurt your marriage. You’ll end up just parents and not lovers. If you focus too much on your kids, you’ll hurt
them
. They’ll learn by your example how to build a mediocre marriage.

Your Job

“I’m working for you and the kids.”

“I have to establish myself in my career.”

“I’m preparing for our retirement.”

“Long hours just come with the job.”

“Hey, if I don’t work this hard, we don’t eat.”

“I’ll be home more when things lighten up.”

Sound familiar? These are the words of a workaholic. I ought to know, because I’m a workaholic. I’ve used all these statements with Sandy in the past. They are all rationalizations to cover up the nasty truth: you are an addict, and your drive to produce and succeed at work has nothing to do with your spouse or your kids. It’s all about you.

Men tend to be more guilty of this, but I’ve seen plenty of female work addicts as well. Stop kidding yourself. If you are placing your job above your spouse, you are killing your love. Most of your time and energy and creativity are being spent at work. So what happens to your marriage? It withers from neglect.

Your Home

You’re the kind of person who just can’t sit still and relax in your own home. Not when there are jobs to do. And there are always jobs to do. You have ants in your pants! You’re always moving, always doing, and always puttering. You feel good when you are completing jobs and being productive.

You can’t stand to leave any job undone. Although there are men who fit this category, it’s usually the woman who focuses too much on the household chores. You think you simply have to complete all the daily jobs—laundry, dishes, food preparation, vacuuming, dusting, grocery shopping, cleaning the bathrooms, making the beds, paying the bills, watering the lawn, picking up clutter—before you can spend time with your spouse.

You’re the kind of person who is damaging your marriage. You don’t mean to, but you are. You’re acting as if a clean and orderly home is to be more highly prized than a great, intimate marriage. That’s absurd, isn’t it? Yes, it is! The household jobs have to get done. But not before you meet the needs of your spouse.

Hobbies

Are your hobbies above your wife or husband on the priority list? Men are particularly guilty of this marital crime. Television. Sports on television. Sports outside the home. Golf. Hunting. Fishing. The computer. Video games. The gym. Do you have any idea how it feels to know your husband values his fun activities more than you? It feels pretty lousy. In fact, very lousy.

Many husbands believe that simply being together in the same geographical space is “quality time.” Using this reasoning, husbands figure they can do their fun activity and still make their wives happy. Watching a television show in the den or bedroom is quality time. Reading the paper at the kitchen table is quality time. Working on the computer while she reads a book is quality time. No, it’s not. You might as well be in different homes in different states, because there is no connection.

A husband and a wife ride in the car together for forty-five minutes with absolutely no conversation. The husband thinks, “Hey, that was a great trip. We were together, and I enjoyed it. I wish I could have caught a few more green lights.” His wife thinks, “Our marriage is over. We have nothing to talk about. He hates me. He’s probably already seen a divorce attorney.”

The truth is, your spouse needs to feel more important than your hobbies. A healthy marriage requires conversation, not just being in each other’s company.

The wife needs her husband’s eye contact, his complete attention, and a decent conversation in which personal things are shared. And, she needs this experience on a regular basis. Although he’s usually not aware of it, the husband has the same need.

Your Pets

The husband sat on my office couch next to his wife and said, “Dr. Clarke, I have solid evidence that another male is more important to my wife than I am.” His wife was shocked and stammered, “What . . . what do you mean? That’s not true!” He calmly looked at her and said, “Yeah? What about Buddy?” She laughed out loud and said, “Buddy is our dog!” He replied, “Exactly, my dear.”

The husband spent the next ten minutes describing how he’d been replaced by Buddy. (I couldn’t resist saying, “No longer the top dog, huh?”) “Doc, when she comes home in the evening, she goes right to Buddy: ‘How’s my little man? Mommy loves you so much. Mommy missed you today. Let me kiss your face and hug you, you sweet furball!’ After a few minutes of loving on Buddy, she gives me a peck on the cheek. The rest of the evening I have to watch as a four-footed mongrel gets most of the love and attention from my wife. Buddy gets fed before me. Buddy gets more kisses, more hugs, and more massages than I do. She says many more sweet, loving, and complimentary things to Buddy. When Buddy has a urinary accident, she’s very patient and kind with him. When I make a mess or forget to do a chore, she’s impatient and critical.

“Doc, the dog is more important than me! I want to be Buddy because he’s closer to my wife than I am. The other night, I came to bed late and found Buddy sleeping next to my wife on my side of the bed! I half expected him to be wearing my pajamas! I shook him awake and he actually growled at me. By the look in his eyes, I could have sworn he was thinking, ‘I’m taking over, loser. Sleep on the couch.’ ”

I’ve seen this kind of overkill pet devotion happen with dogs, cats, ferrets, birds, and hamsters. When a pet gets more time, attention, affection, and communication than your spouse, something’s wrong! Actually,
someone’s
wrong. You!

Your Family and Friends

A husband continues to hang out with his single friends at their homes. His wife feels neglected, but he says, “Getting married shouldn’t mean I have to give up all my friends.” When you add it up, he spends more time each week with his friends than he does with his wife.

A wife spends, on average, an hour and a half on the telephone or online with family and friends each evening. While she talks and talks, her husband watches television or reads. She is closer emotionally to her “buddies” than she is to her own husband.

A husband calls his mother at least three times a week. He relies on her for praise, encouragement, and advice. He talks to her about issues and decisions in his life before he talks to his wife. He does whatever he can to please his mother. He does what she tells him to do. When his mother and his wife have a different opinion about something, he sides with Mom. He’s a mama’s boy and is rapidly losing the respect of his wife.

A wife has never really broken away from her father, become her own person. She is used to relying on his wisdom and guidance and continues to depend heavily on him. Her husband wants to be the leader and for them to make decisions together, but she insists upon calling Dad to get his input. It’s time for her to stop being Daddy’s little girl.

A married couple is in a close-knit social group of couples. They go out with this group at least once a week and sometimes more often. It’s a lot of fun, but this couple’s relationship isn’t as close as it used to be. They’re having trouble finding things to talk about when it’s just the two of them. They are finding it more comfortable and more enjoyable to be with their friends.

Every one of The Big Six is important and can add value and meaning to life. Nevertheless, not one of them is as important as your marriage.

When your spouse isn’t your top priority, your marriage automatically becomes less and less intimate. You don’t want that to happen, but it does happen. You slowly but surely pull apart and you experience a breakdown in these critical areas:

You have very little personal, one-on-one time together.

You have no regular, intimate communication.

You don’t meet each other’s real physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.

If anyone or anything is more important than your spouse is, your marriage cannot be deeply intimate and passionate. That’s for sure. Your relationship will slip to good, pretty good, mediocre, and then poor. Finally, your love will die.

What’s the solution to the damaging effects of The Big Six? It’s in the Song.

4

“You’re My Number One, Baby!”

I hate Ted. I’ve always hated Ted. I don’t believe there will ever come a day when I don’t hate Ted. “Who is Ted?” you ask, “and what did he do to you?” I’ll tell you who Ted is. Ted is the guy who dated Sandy in high school. That’s right. Ted was my beautiful wife’s boyfriend back in the 1970s.

You’re thinking, “So what? Was Ted a jerk? Did he mistreat Sandy in any way?” No. Actually, he was a great Christian guy who treated her very well. His crime was (and remains to this day) having an exclusive, close relationship with Sandy. Just the thought of any other guy, even thirty years ago, being close to my Sandy makes me cringe.

You see, Sandy is the most important person in my life and has been ever since we met in 1978. I am jealous, in a healthy way, of my relationship with this remarkable woman. She is my best friend. She is my confidant. She is my lover. She is my soul mate. I don’t want anyone to be closer to her than me. So, I hate Ted. If you’re reading this, Ted, I’m sorry. But, I’ll bet you hate your wife’s old boyfriends too.