Kiss Me Like You Mean It (23 page)

The first action is to wear a clean and inviting garment. This kind of outfit will arouse your husband and make you feel sexy.

Solomon (4:11b)
“And the fragrance of your garment is like the fragrance of Lebanon.”

Here, Shulamith is wearing a perfumed gown. And Solomon obviously likes it. It sends him through the roof, sexually speaking. We know it’s a see-through negligee because, even though she’s wearing it (4:1–5), Solomon is able to give a detailed description of her body.

Stop wearing your old poofy, flannel nightgowns during sex. Stop wearing baggy old clothes. Break out your sexy nightgowns. They’re way back in the closet. Better yet, buy some new ones. Get your husband’s input. He’s the expert in this area. What you wear is important.

The second action is to get naked. In 4:12 through 5:1, Shulamith’s negligee is removed and she is naked. She is naked throughout the lovemaking account in 7:1–9.

A huge percentage of wives are self-conscious about their bodies and begin to cover up during times of physical intimacy with their husbands. I know, because I’ve talked to many of them in my office. Here’s what I tell them.

“Your husband thinks you’re beautiful. Being a male, he’s visual and needs to see your body to get sufficiently aroused. Being naked is the ultimate expression of closeness and vulnerability and trust. When you keep clothes on, you are holding back a part of yourself from your husband. You are robbing him and yourself of a full and intimate lovemaking experience. Talk to your husband about it.”

The third action is massage. If you haven’t tried massage, give it a shot. Massage can progressively relax and stimulate a woman. Break out all those lotions you never use, and ask your husband to give you a ten-to fifteen-minute foreplay massage. He’ll love being your personal masseur, and it will help you let go and get fully engaged in sex.

Solution #6: Make It Three in the Bedroom

As we’ve seen in chapter twelve, God is with the lovers during sex (5:1), and he is the source of their passion (8:6). Based on these biblical truths, I recommend you do one brief and simple action just prior to times of sexual intimacy: hold hands and pray that God will be with you and bless your lovemaking. Sound crazy? It’s not. God,Shulamith loves having sex with Solomo who created the universe, including you both
and
sex, wants to be invited into every aspect of your marriage. He will answer your prayer, and your sex life will receive his supernatural blessing as in all areas of your lives when it is asked. What more could you ask?

Solution #7: Linger and Love

Solomon and Shulamith show us what to do during foreplay and intercourse. They also show us what to do after intercourse.

In 5:1, Solomon stays with Shulamith and talks about their sexual experience:

“I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride;

I have gathered my myrrh along with my balsam.

I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey;

I have drunk my wine and my milk.”

Again, after they’ve had intercourse, the two lovers stay together and do some more loving:

Shulamith (7:9b)
“It goes down smoothly, for my beloved,
Flowing gently through the lips of those who fall asleep.”

She is describing their final, gentle kisses as they drop off to sleep in each other’s arms.

The lesson? After intercourse, stay with each other and bask in the afterglow. Talk about how great your physical intimacy was. Hold each other. Do some more kissing and caressing. This will enhance your lovemaking and prepare you for the next time.

21

Don’t Quit, and Do What the Song Says

The world is full of quitters. As a clinical psychologist specializing in marriage therapy, I see my share of quitters. They fall into two groups.

The first group is made up of those spouses who want to quit and get divorced. They come to my office to tell me why divorce is their only option. Here are some of the most common reasons these quitters use to end a marriage: “I don’t love you anymore.”*

“We’ve grown apart.”

*I wrote a book I titled
I Don’t Love You Anymore
for those who need to know what to do when they are told these words by their spouses.

“I never loved you.”

“I felt pressured to marry you.”

“We are two different persons.”

“Persons just can’t change.”

“I feel trapped.”

“I need space.”

“I need to find myself.”

“It’s not you; it’s me.”

“I’m just not good for you.”

“You’re not intellectually stimulating.”

“I’ve grown beyond you.”

“I’m having a midlife crisis.”

“I love you like a brother (or sister).”

“I love you as the parent of our children.”

“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”

“I don’t love you the way a spouse should love you.”

“I think God wants me to be happy.”

“It’s better for the kids, because our bad marriage is hurting them.”

These “reasons” are nothing more than ridiculous, petty, and selfish rationalizations for a sinful choice. These quitters state their marriage-ending case and fully expect me to agree with them. They are disappointed.

My response is always the same: “Is that all you have? Can’t you do any better? You don’t have to get a divorce. With God’s help and the right steps, you can build a great marriage. The best marriage any couple ever had.”

The spouses who want to quit and yet stay married is the second group of quitters. They choose to settle for a middle of the road, mediocre, or even miserable marriage. Here are the top four reasons I’ve heard from this second group of quitters: “We’re staying together for the kids.”

“We can’t afford to get divorced.”

“We’ll stay married, because it is the right thing to do.”

“This is the best marriage we can hope to have and it will have to do.”

I’m sure Sandy would be thrilled to know that I’m staying with her because of the kids. Or, because of money. Or, because it’s the right thing to do. Or, because our marriage is as good as it’s going to get, and we just have to accept it. She’d be hurt and insulted beyond belief by these pitiful statements. And she ought to be. These so-called reasons have nothing to do with a real love relationship.

I say virtually the same thing to these quitters as I do to the first group of quitters: “You don’t have to settle for this type of pathetic marriage. With God’s help and the right steps, you can build a great marriage. The best marriage any couple ever had.”

There’s a very simple reason why I can tell spouses that God wants them to have a great marriage. It’s because I’m not saying it. It’s God. He delivered this message three thousand years ago in the Song of Solomon. And he hasn’t changed his mind. Here are God’s words, communicated through Shulamith: Shulamith (8:6–7)
“Put me like a seal over your heart,
Like a seal on your arm.
For love is as strong as death . . .
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
The very flame of the Lord.
Many waters cannot quench love,
Nor will rivers overflow it;
If a man were to give all the riches of his house for love,
It would be utterly despised.”

What a marvelous definition of the nature of real love! Solomon and Shulamith have it all! They enjoy an intense, powerful love fueled by God himself. It’s the kind of love we all desperately want and need. And it’s the kind of love God desires all of us to experience. Two words jump out at me in these two verses.

The first word is
permanence
. Love is like an unbreakable seal bonding two hearts together. Love, like death, is final and cannot be reversed. You can dump oceans and oceans of water on love, and it will never be extinguished.

God is not interested only in permanence, however. Many couples stay married for a lifetime, but their marriages are lousy. Marriage is not about earning a longevity pin.

The second word completes God’s definition of marital love. That word is
passion
. Real love in marriage is a burning flame of passion, kept alive by God and his instructions for maintaining that love for a lifetime. Passion is what makes a marriage great!

The wonderful news is that Song of Solomon 8:6–7 doesn’t have to describe just Solomon and Shulamith’s love. It can also describe you and your spouse’s love.

God’s message through the Song is that a permanent and passionate love is available to
every married couple
willing to follow the example he gave us in Solomon and Shulamith.

You know how to create an incredible love. Now, there is only one question. Will you do what the Song says?

Appendix A

Beginning a Relationship with God

Here are the simple facts concerning how to establish a relationship with God through his Son, Jesus.

You are a sinner. So am I. So is everyone. You’ve made mistakes and done things wrong in your life, haven’t you? Well, even one mistake, one sin, separates you from God. On your own, there is no way to reach a holy and perfect God. Romans 3:23 drives this point home: “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

God could have left you in your sin, condemned never to know him, and to die and go to hell forever. But he didn’t do that. God loves you so much that he sent his only Son, Jesus, to earth, to die for your sins. Because Jesus paid the penalty for your sins, you don’t have to be eternally separated from God. “For the wages of sin is death. But the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Rom. 6:23).

First Corinthians 15:3–4 spells out the truth that we must believe in order to know God and enter his family: “Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, and . . . He was buried and . . . He was raised on the third day.”

Do you want all your sins, the ones you’ve already committed and the ones you will commit for the rest of your life, wiped away? Do you want the God-given ability to resist sin? Do you want to know God personally? Do you want God’s power to energize your life here on earth? If you answered yes to these questions, then you’re ready to come to Christ. Let me suggest a prayer for you to begin a relationship with God. (It’s not the words that will save you. It is what you are choosing in your heart and your mind.)

God,

I’m a sinner. I’ve made mistakes and sinned. I know that my sin separates me from you. I can’t reach you on my own.Thank you for sending Jesus as the only way for me to get to know you. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, and I accept him as my Savior. I believe that Jesus rose from the dead, proving he is God and has the power to forgive my sins. I’m tired of living my life my way. I now give my life to you, God.

Amen.

Other Books by Dr. David Clarke
Men are Clams, Women are Crowbars
A study guide for couples and groups is also available
A Marriage After God’s Own Heart
Follow-up materials for couples and groups are also available
I Don’t Love You Anymore

Parenting Isn’t for Super Heroes
The Total Marriage Makeover

The Six Steps to Emotional Freedom
Cinderella Meets the Caveman

To schedule a seminar, order Dr. Clarke’s books, or download audio of his talks, please contact: David Clarke Seminars
www.davidclarkeseminars.com
1-888-516-8844
or
Marriage & Family Enrichment Center
6505 North Himes Ave.
Tampa, FL 33614

Dr. David Clarke
is a Christian psychologist, speaker, and the author of seven books, including
Men Are Clams, Women Are
Crowbars
,
A Marriage after God’s Own Heart
, and
Winning
the Parenting War
. A graduate of Dallas Theological Seminary and Western Conservative Baptist Seminary, he has been in full-time private practice for over twenty years. Through his entertaining and practical seminars, he presents God’s truth in the areas of emotional well being, relationship building, and the development of parenting skills. He lives in Tampa, Florida, with his family.