Killing Me Softly (30 page)

‘Can’t we just live in the moment for a little longer?’

‘No.’

She stared at him, her face in shadow so he couldn’t read her expression. Then, slowly, she sat up, every movement a sensuous glide that made his skin itch with the need to touch her, and put the robe on.

‘I was going to talk with you about the stalker and the connection between him, Jenny’s death, Melissa’s accident and what was done to Viking.’

‘I’ve already figured all that out.’ Her voice was flat, emotionless.

‘Good, then we can cut to the chase now you’ve pulled the cat out of the bag, so to speak, with this remarkable bout of sex.’ He stared at her, trying to catch her eye, but she wouldn’t look at him. ‘What was this about, Alexia? Was this goodbye sex? Is that what we just did?’

Her sex-kitten act fell from her like an ill-fitting cloak and a look of terrible, heart-clenching sadness took its place. The look almost brought him to his knees in front of her; it begged him not to do this, to just give the moment of bliss they’d shared a little longer to live in the light, but he held strong. He had to have this out with her before she built her walls and shut him out for good.

‘Alexia . . . ’

The pain in her eyes flared at the sound of her name on his lips. It undid him. He couldn’t do this with the chasm of the room between them.

‘Don’t.’ She held up her hand as he stepped toward her, her expression cutting into his soul. ‘Don’t touch me. This is hard enough without you touching me. You make it so hard for me to think straight. I can’t even hold on to my anger when you touch me – it all goes up in flames.’

‘But you’re not angry with me. Not truly. That’s not what this was about, is it?’

‘Yes. No.’ She shook her head. ‘You’re right. I’m not really angry about you going behind my back any more. I probably would have done the same to protect myself. To protect Cat.’

‘Then what’s the problem? Why are you fighting this thing between us? You give me your body, but I don’t just want that. I want it all. I want your heart.’

She bit her lip, chin trembling. ‘We lead such different lives, Daemon. I just don’t know how this can work out. Being lovers for a short time was one thing.’ She opened her eyes again, looked into the blue depths of his. ‘I’m not sure I can give you more. It already hurts . . . I’m afraid when you leave—’

‘I told you I’m not leaving.’

‘You say that now, but you can’t mean it. You have to leave. It’s who you are.’

Unable to bear his closeness, she slipped off the other side of the bed and walked across to the window. She looked out at the familiar shadows of the rugged, windswept land, the distant peaks tipped in the silver-gold of dawn, and tried to take comfort in what she’d built here. But it didn’t work this time because when she looked out at the sweep of wilderness, all she felt was alone.

He stepped up behind her. ‘Are you talking about my past relationships? Because if you are—’

‘No.’ She shook her head, impatiently. ‘I don’t care what happened with the other women in your life, Daemon. I’m talking about who you are.’ She turned, placed her hand on his chest. ‘In here.’ Her fingers clenched on his shirt, over his heart. ‘You forget. I’ve heard you, the real you, in your music. What does your da call it? Sounding the heart? I’ve heard that sound, Daemon, and it’s so beautiful it hurts. And even though it feeds a part of my soul I never knew needed feeding, it also kills me because I know the truth in that sound. You’re like a wild animal – if I try to cage you here in my little world, the person that you truly are will wither and die. You can say all you like that you don’t need the life you live, but a part of you does need it. You need the crowds, the accolades, the loving hysteria, the media attention.’

‘You make me sound so shallow.’

‘No, I’m not. It’s not shallow to like those things, to need them. Heaven knows, you’ve worked hard for them. You deserve them. But you see, I don’t want them.’

‘Because of what they bring with them? The press. The constant speculation on your private life. The unending need to know more.’

She was relieved he understood, that he wasn’t going to make this harder than it had to be. ‘Yes.’

His arms slid around her. ‘You’re too strong to let that affect you in the same way it did through Lyndon’s trial. You’ve grown, become your own person. You can withstand so much more than you think.’

Her lips wobbled. His words hit too close to home. ‘Maybe I can. But isn’t that for me to decide in my own time?’

‘It is. And I’m not forcing that decision on you now. I’m going to be here for a while longer finishing the CD and even then, I have no plans to go anywhere in the immediate future. I’m actually enjoying the peace and quiet of your home. You’re the one who is putting barriers between us.’

‘Because I have to,’ she cried, pulling away. He was such a stubborn bastard and she was stupid to think he would make this easy on her. He’d never made anything else easy for her – why start now? ‘It’s not just me. I have Catriona to consider. She’s so fragile. I can’t do anything to make her worse. Don’t you understand?’

‘Oh, I understand all right. You’re afraid.’

Her mouth opened, closed, opened again, but nothing but a hissing sound came out. So she turned and marched to the door. ‘I want you to leave.’

He walked towards her, but instead of exiting, stood before her. ‘I never thought you were a coward.’

Fury engulfed her as she glared up at him. ‘What did you say?’

‘You heard me. Giving up in the face of fear is a coward’s reaction. Since when have you ever run away to hide? That’s your sister’s reaction, not yours.’

The sound of the slap echoed loud around her before she even registered she’d hit him. Her fingers burned with the effects of the sharp contact, the imprint of them showing red on his face. ‘Don’t talk about my sister like that.’

He turned his head slowly, his eyes burning into hers. ‘Why not? You are.’

His words hit her like she’d been punched. ‘I don’t . . . I . . . ’

‘You think she’s weak.’

‘I . . . I don’t. She’s strong. So strong. I couldn’t have faced —’

‘But you did. And so will she now she’s awake again. She’s already proved herself far stronger than she was. You should have seen her yesterday when we brought you in – she was like a lioness. There was no break in her. But she can’t be like that if you treat her as if she’s weak, using her as an excuse not to go out and live your life.’

She shook her head. ‘You’re wrong.’

‘Am I? When the press come here – and make no mistake, they will come now because of what’s happened, despite all of Nigel’s efforts to keep them away – what do you imagine will happen? That she’ll fall apart? Retreat back into her catatonic state? Is there any medical reason to think she might do that again? I know Doctor Carlton thinks there isn’t, otherwise he wouldn’t have encouraged Billy and Cat to explore their fledgling relationship and he sure as hell wouldn’t have given in when Cat demanded to be taken into town after the guards arrive today to do some shopping. And aside from all that, she doesn’t have a problem with the press – she was comatose through the entire trial, according to the articles I read. It’s you who can’t bear the thought of what they might unearth, but what I can’t understand is why.’

‘You don’t know what you’re talking about,’ she hissed, panic wiping away the fury inside.

‘Of course I do. I know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re not the only one with fear and shame riding them from their past. My mother was a drug addict and a criminal who took me from my father when I was four to punish him for wanting to divorce her. She dragged me from place to place, hiding from him and the police, using me in her schemes. I’ve been abused by her lovers, abused by her, left to fend for myself for days with no food while she was on a bender. I even had heroin shot into my arm as one of her boyfriends held me down so I wouldn’t ruin their sexcapades in a one-room hovel. My father finally tracked me down when I was arrested for stealing for her so she could buy some more heroin. I was eleven.’

He swallowed, his eyes burning with pain. Lexi wanted to say something, anything, but no words came.

‘I’ve lived in fear that the press would find out about that horrifying period of my life, that they’d find out my mother was murdered by her dealer not long after my da found me. But none of that stopped me from going after what I wanted, because deep down I must have realised that none of it was my fault – that it didn’t say about me what I was afraid it said.’

‘But the press found out?’ she asked, shocked at the thought of what he must have gone through.

‘Yeah, they did. My ex-wife gave them an exclusive to boost her waning publicity. She managed to make it sound as if she’d picked me out of the mire of my background and that after everything she’d done, I’d deserted her – which was utter bullshit. She cheated on me with a so-called-friend.’

‘Oh God!’ She hadn’t known.

‘I had to endure months of the press hounding me, requesting interviews to get my side of the story. They chased the band, my friends, they even tracked down Da and made him miserable reminding him of everything my mother had done to me while he was trying to find me. I made him close down the pub for a few months and sent him to Australia to visit some old friends. The bastards had pressured him so much they almost gave him a heart attack. So, don’t tell me I don’t understand. Everyone knows about my sordid past, except for the one person who needed to know – you. But I’ve come to realise that everyone knowing isn’t so bad after all. I wish they didn’t know, but their knowing only hurt me as long as I let it. And guess what?’

She shook her head, stunned by everything he’d just said.

‘I was stupid enough to let it hurt me until I came here. You were what helped me to realise what a bloody fool I’d been. I was still that bloody fool when I had Nigel check out your past, afraid it would be as bad as mine and what that might mean. And it was. But I’m glad I did it because it connected us. It made me feel as if I wasn’t alone and suddenly I was no longer ashamed. I saw how you’d risen above all that to become this amazing woman and I knew I’d done the same. I’m bloody proud of myself. You should be proud of yourself, too.’

She began to shake her head. ‘It’s different though, don’t you see? You weren’t to blame for what your mother did to you – hell, you were just a little boy. But I am to blame for what happened to Cat.’

‘Why? You can’t make me believe you were the tease the Jameses accused you of being in the papers, leading Lyndon on and making him take drugs and party with you. You were a virgin when we made love the other night and I’m pretty bloody certain you’ve never “partied” in your life.’

She squeezed her eyes shut. ‘No. That was all made up to try to gain sympathy for him in the trial. But if I hadn’t been so stubborn about working at his uncle’s record label and had resigned rather than reporting him, he might not have snapped. He might not have resorted to kidnapping and rape and Cat wouldn’t have lived the past eleven years in a virtual coma and I wouldn’t . . . I wouldn’t . . . ’ She couldn’t go on, choking on the words.

‘Lyndon was a sociopath. Nothing you did or didn’t do would have stopped him once he decided you were his. Normal people when they’re thwarted don’t resort to kidnap, rape and torture. You have to know that. The judge at the trial . . . ’

‘I know!’ she shouted and then winced, worried who might have heard her. She closed the door. ‘I know what was said,’ she began in a harsh whisper. ‘But that doesn’t make the guilt go away. It should have been me. It should have been me!’

‘It shouldn’t have been anyone.’ He gripped her shoulders and gave her a look that seared right to her soul. ‘Don’t be a bloody fool like I was, Alexia. You are guilty of nothing other than following a dream and you certainly have nothing to be ashamed of.’

He pulled her into his arms and gave her a hard kiss. ‘Let me in. We can fight the world together,’ he said against her lips. ‘We can stand against anything they might throw at us, but you have to give us a chance.’

Still she said nothing.

His eyes flared and he kissed her again, letting her go so abruptly when she didn’t respond that she stumbled back. He turned away then turned back, his face twisted with emotion. ‘I love you, Alexia.’ His loud voice made her jump. He stepped forward and caressed her lips with his thumb. ‘I don’t mean to frighten you. It’s just that I’m so . . . ’ He shook his head, let her go, stepped away. ‘You are my heart. All I’m asking is that you let me love you. If you can manage to do that, then we’ll figure out the rest.’

She stared at him, her heart and mind too full. ‘I . . . I have to think.’

He nodded. ‘I’ll go. You need to get some sleep. But I’ll be back later and we’ll finish this conversation then.’ He gently stroked her face. ‘I love you. In the face of that, nothing else matters.’ He kissed her gently and then, letting go, turned and walked out the door.

She stood there for a moment, frozen, until she heard the door close downstairs. Turning, she raced to the window. The sun had well and truly risen, lighting the craggy hills in the distance. She could see Daemon clearly as he strode down the path to the Dower House, his dark hair blown off his face by the brisk wind, his expression stark in the morning light. He entered the Dower House, not once looking back. Not once looking for her.

She stood there long after he disappeared out of sight, her mind full of his last words.

Could he be right? If she loved him, did anything else matter?

The sun rose in the sky, turning it pink, then orange and purple. She watched the day dawn, the farm hands arrive for work, Karl marching down the hill to the stable, already yelling instructions, bringing order to chaos.

Out there, the world brimmed with colour and movement and possibilities. But it could be brutal and cold and lonely.

Daemon thought she was strong enough to embrace all of it. Was she?

She shook her head. She couldn’t think in here. She had to go outside where it was open and free and where her thoughts had more room to roam.

Throwing on some warm clothes, she slipped downstairs, not wanting anyone to call her into the kitchen, where she could hear Billy, Cat and Bev finishing up their breakfast.