Kelly Hill (11 page)

Agoura Hills, California

June 9th 2010

Rachel

Rachel sat across from Logan, her hands resting lightly on the table, her mind already decided on what items from menu were acceptable to her palette.

The movie had been alright, as far as the standards for action movies went. There was a bare-bones plot, a well-defined hero, a poorly defined bad guy, and lots of explosions.

Only once did Logan try to do anything that would resemble a date and that was when he demanded to pay for her movie ticket. Which Rachel quickly made up for by forcing her hand and purchasing the popcorn. Now, they sat in a small corner booth in a diner that she had never really noticed before while Logan was intent on starting a conversation with her.

She concentrated more on his words than on the red vinyl of the booth sticking to the bottom of her thighs and tried hard to look like she was interested in discussing the finer points of the film they had just witnessed.

“
I mean, if you really think about, it’s an honest look at our society as whole, I mean, existentially.” Logan was sipping from the straw of his soda he ordered and Rachel wondered if he actually heard the words coming out of his mouth.

“
Existentially?” Rachel raised an eyebrow, “How so?”

Logan cleared his throat, getting ready to launch into some sort of well-meant diatribe but instead laughed at himself.

“I’m sorry; I’m being weird aren’t I?” His blue eyes sparkled from his inner humor and Rachel had to smile back. He sure wasn’t as smart as Ryan, but he was just as nice. And he seemed earnest enough. She wanted to give him an honest chance, but she knew sooner or later, her own prejudice would get the better her. Thus was the curse of being a Phillips girl. Except, she had to stop herself, she wasn’t a Phillips girl anymore.

“
It’s alright, we can talk about the movie.” She wanted to prod him forward, to make sure he enjoyed himself on this date that wasn’t a date. He was a nice person; he deserved to have a nice time.

“
No no,” Logan nodded, “Kelly said you didn’t like movies anyways. Let’s talk about something else.”

Rachel felt her brow furrow; she was still supposed to be pretending like she didn’t know Kelly. “What would Kelly know?”

Logan’s facial expression changed to one of general confusion, “Well, you guys do know each other, don’t you?”

Rachel shrugged, “I guess, I mean, he’s Ryan Prescott’s cousin and Ethan’s friend, but other than that, I wouldn’t say we’re friends.”

Logan nodded, understanding covering the original confusion, “Well, he probably heard something from Ethan.”

The waitress came by at just the right time, stopping the conversation in its tracks and both parties ordered their food.

Again, Rachel noted that Logan didn’t ask for separate checks and so she knew sooner or later she’d have to let him down. This wasn’t a date. This was never going to be a date. She was just out with a friend.

The food came without much mishap, they went back to talking about the movie like it was something special and Rachel was able to relax in the easy atmosphere of the diner.

After a time she even had to concede that Logan had a certain charm about him. He wasn’t her usual type but then again, that never really worked out for her, did it?

An image of Kelly’s face made its way past the walls she had put around to keep it at bay and she felt a shiver run the length of her body.

It was the face of a man more afraid than angry, but make no mistake, the anger was still there. He had been yelling, there was mud splattered across his face, and his jacket was torn.

Rachel inhaled deeply and her right hand slightly adjusted the gold watch on her left wrist, trying to forget.

“Something wrong?” Logan’s concerned tone brought Rachel back to the land of the living and her eyes focused on his.

They were too blue. Too worried.

She forced a smile and tried not to think of Ryan Prescott and his poor decisions. She knew what it would bring up. She knew who it would bring up. And Rachel wanted Jefferson to be the furthest thing from her mind.

“
Just a bad memory.” Her mouth responded before she had the time to edit her sentence, before she had time to change it completely into something else, into something that she could call denial.

Logan nodded like he understood, even though Rachel knew he didn’t. The only people that understood were the only ones who had been there, and they all were all long gone, all except for the albatross around her neck, holding camp at her home.

Melody hadn’t even tried to contact her again after, but then again, a phone did work both ways.

“
Listen, Rachel, I want to tell you something, but I don’t want you to get mad, okay?” Logan sounded like a ten year old that was about to tell on himself because he couldn’t hold in the guilt anymore.

Rachel shifted in the booth and swallowed, “Alright, what is it?”

“Promise you won’t get mad?” Logan was looking at her like she already was, like he knew that what he was about to say wasn’t what he was really supposed to say, like it wasn’t his secret to share.

Rachel felt curious now, the anxious pit in the bottom of her stomach growling for more information about what Logan was about to spill. Her hand lingered on her watch and she nodded, “Promise.”

She saw Logan pause; she could practically feel the sweat accumulating on his palms, the hair on the back of his neck tingling while he considered his words carefully.

“
Kelly told us everything, so I mean, you don’t have to act like it’s no big.” Logan swallowed nervous spit and Rachel watched his Adam’s apple bob, unsure of how to proceed.

Kelly told them what exactly? Rachel knew she was frowning, she couldn’t help herself. Her brain was stuck on the moment.

Logan took a sip of his soda and tried to push past the frozen state he had put Rachel in, tried to restart the conversation but Rachel wasn’t listening anymore.

She didn’t have the words that he needed to hear. She couldn’t find the voice that she had used to hide from so many people what Logan was now hinting at.

And all for what? Because of what Kelly had said? Because Kelly couldn’t keep a secret even if it killed him? And it would, Rachel had no doubts about it. This secret would ruin him.

Rachel thought of all the different times she had looked at Kelly, at the different moments she had interacted with him. He had always come off as slightly peculiar, but never once had he made it seem like he had let the cat out of the bag a long time ago.

Finally, Rachel found that mask, the one she had crafted so carefully out of her own skin. She let a smile turn up the corner of her lips and she felt her eyes soften, “What did Kelly say?”

Logan shrugged, giving into her charade of ease, “Just that you had some hard times at Phillips and you got into some trouble.”

Rachel’s stomach settled, that sounded about right, exactly what everyone else knew.

She did have some hard times at Phillips and she did get into trouble because of it, but Logan made it seem so much easier than that. Of course, he didn’t have the scar two inches below his heart as reminder of everything that happened.

“Yeah that’s about right.” Rachel smoothed the bottom of her dress and laughed a little.

“
So I mean, if you ever want to talk about it, I’m a pretty good listener.” Logan offered, being too nice again.

“
Thanks, but no thanks.” Rachel replied, “I’m just trying to move on with my life.”

Logan nodded, “Gotcha.”

They finished their lunch by sharing humorous stories about Ethan and when it was time to pick up the check Logan let her.

Rachel knew from now on she’d have to be very careful about what she let slip around Logan and Ethan. Right now, Logan might not know anything, but if she kept this up, he might put two and two together and see Rachel in a new light.

Rachel followed Logan out into the afternoon sun, hoping he would just drop the whole thing completely.

Rachel shivered. She knew if she tried, she could remember every gritty little detail. But that was a door she had closed a long time ago. Closed not only for her safety, but for him as well. Wasn’t that what she had told herself?

Phillips was her home. This would ruin it. This would ruin everything.

The ulcer twisted in Rachel’s abdomen and she unlocked the door to her car, easing her weary body into the driver’s seat.

Phillips was the most important thing in her life; really, it was the only important thing in her life. In a world that had been extremely distant to Rachel, it was the only place that ever made her feel like she belonged. Didn’t that count for something?

When her father’s disappointment was evident and she knew she would never be good enough for her mother, it was Phillips that made her feel better.

It was the sprawling campus, the warm library and the knowledge that no matter what happened, she could always call it home. And now, she knew that she had to protect that home, even if that meant she couldn’t live there anymore.

Because, protecting Phillips was the truest thing she had ever done. And running alongside that was the man that made her feel the same. She’d have to protect him just as much.

The car ride was silent and Rachel was okay with it, she had heard enough of Logan’s chatter and she didn’t know how to talk to him anymore.

He didn’t like reading. He didn’t like psychology, he didn’t have the patience for politics and he cared little for current events.

If Rachel could have just grasped on one thing they shared, one shred of hope then she wouldn’t have called this entire afternoon a wash. But there was literally nothing. Logan was beautiful, but he didn’t have much going on is his head that wasn’t geared towards action movies or video games, both of which Rachel had just heard a surplus about.

She turned into her driveway and noted the familiar body of Kelly Hill, lying on the cement, one arm stretched out and away from him, the other holding a smoldering cigarette to his lips.

Rachel parked the car a few feet away from him but he didn’t look up. She removed the key from the ignition and sat there for a moment, watching Kelly’s habitual smoking.

He would put the cigarette to his mouth, inhale, take the cigarette away, exhale, and then do it all over again, all the while never looking from the sky, never breaking away from the clouds floating overhead.

Logan got out of the car and slammed the door behind him, bringing Rachel out her trance. He turned back and leaned on the window sill, “Thanks for hanging out with me today.”

Rachel smiled at him, knowing he probably wouldn’t be asking her out again anytime soon, “No problem.”

Logan pushed off from the car and loped towards Kelly’s position on the ground, Kelly, who had still yet to move.

“Hey you!” Logan called as he approached his friend, “Where’s Ethan?”

“
He’s inside,” Kelly half murmured, just barely audible for Rachel to catch as she remained in her car.

“
What’s he doing?” Logan put his hands in his pockets and Rachel could see that he wasn’t going to bring any of what they discussed up to Kelly and she was relieved. Nothing could have been worse than people talking about her, but no one talking to her.

She had worked hard enough as it was just to keep everything at a dull roar when everything imploded on her. And now, she needed to figure out what Kelly said without giving too much away. This was going to take much thought and planning.

“Whatever, I guess.” Kelly didn’t shrug but it was implied in the tone of his voice.

Rachel got out the car and walked towards the two of them, her white heels clicked on the pavement with her even step and the brim of her hat shaded her eyes from the harsh sun, but she squinted anyways.

As she got closer she saw Logan peel away and head for the air conditioned indoors, leaving her and Kelly alone. Part of her was glad to have Logan gone, but the other part, the one that had told her to leave Kelly be, was uncomfortable.

Rachel stood over Kelly about to say hello, but before she could open her mouth he exhaled another cloud of cigarette smoke and Rachel was forced to wave away the toxic air.

“How was your date?” Kelly wasn’t looking at her, but there was a devilish smirk on his face.

“
It wasn’t a date.” Rachel defended herself, crossing her arms over her chest.

Kelly laughed, a nice laugh, one that lit up his whole face and made Rachel feel better about their situation, “Are you sure?”

“We just went to get something eat.” Rachel was frowning, something she had done more often since Kelly had gotten into town.

Kelly pulled himself to a sitting position first, finished his cigarette and then stood up completely. “Good.”

“Good?” Rachel put her hands on her hips, “Why is that good?”

Kelly was still smirking, his sunglasses hiding his green eyes, “Because, then I wouldn’t be able to do this.”