Kei's Gift (86 page)

But....

He kept looking at the light, and thinking of the man sitting there reading by the lamp. Arman wanted him and loved him. And Kei.... Kei didn’t know if he could live without Arman any more, and not just because of what Arman could do for him.

‘In another time and place’, they’d both said. And this was both.

He wasn’t a coward. And he’d already paid the price. Perhaps it was time to learn what he’d won.

~~~~~~~~

Arman fretted. He’d sent people out to search for Kei nearly an hour ago. How hard was it to find one simple villager? He worried Kei might have done something really idiotic and since the idiocies could encompass anything from running away on an urs beast to flinging himself into the harbour, this didn’t give him any comfort. His door opened and he prepared to yell at these people for being so damn slow. “Oh, gods, could you...?” His complaint died on his lips as he saw who it was. “Are you all right?”

Kei shut the door and leaned on the wall next to it, his expression sullen. “No, I’m damn well not. I’ve been told by two separate people to come and talk to you, although one then told me not to and the other called me a coward for following that advice. I’m heartily sick of people trying to bully me.”

He looked utterly miserable. Arman got up and rang the bell-pull and then limped over to Kei. “I don’t want to bully you,” he said gently, coming to stand in front of Kei. “But we need to talk, and soon.” He tilted Kei’s head up. “How’s the headache?”

“Healthy and getting worse by the minute,” Kei said irritably, jerking his chin away from Arman’s grip.

“Then go and sit down.” There was a knock and Arman opened the door—it was the housekeeper. “Ah, Mijli, would you call off the search? He’s here.”

She glanced at Kei and smiled. “Very good, Arman.”

Arman closed the door and found his visitor glaring at him. “Searching for me?”

“Reji was here earlier. He more or less threatened me with an unpleasant fate if I didn’t talk to you.”

“I didn’t send him.” Kei hugged himself. “I’m making such a damn mess of this.”

“No, I refuse to let you take
all
the credit.” Kei looked up suspiciously at his tone. “Please, come and sit. My leg won’t tolerate standing for long.”

Arman had shamelessly appealed to Kei’s healer instinct for a reason, as it was always the best way to distract him from his mood, and it worked. With a guilty look, Kei immediately headed for a chair while Arman sat down in its neighbour. “Reji told me what Bikel said. He also said a number of other things which I would rather hear from you, if at all. Kei—he said you know how I feel about you. I suppose it’s inevitable that you do—but I would never, regardless of temptation, impose that on you. You do know that, don’t you?” Kei nodded miserably. “I’m sorry that I can’t...control myself....”

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Arman—how are you supposed to control who you love?”

Arman would rather Kei had not used such a scornful tone when discussing his affections, but there was no reason for him not to, he supposed. “Reji also claimed that you...had feelings for me.” Kei started at that, then looked rather wary. “Do you remember a discussion we had on the boat about choice and consent?”

“Yes, but—”

“I see this situation as really no different from when you were a hostage,” Arman said firmly, wanting this to be perfectly clear. “I would want no one to come to me under compulsion, be it from me, or themselves because of a...an injury.... If you need me with you to help you heal, then you don’t need to think I would require a return of my feelings.”

Kei snorted. “Don’t you get sick of being noble?”

Arman stiffened at the rudeness. “At least I’m not the one proposing to commit slow suicide because he won’t even ask for help.”

“No, of course, that makes you and everyone else on earth better than me.”

Kei sounded so tired and sad. Arman couldn’t stay annoyed with him, knowing his irritability was caused by his own misery. “Answer me this question and try to be as truthful as you can, as fully as you can. I promise not to hold it against you whatever you say.” Kei looked up at him with puzzled eyes. “What—and who—would make you happy...given your present difficulty? What—who—do you truly want?”

Kei sat back, and his mouth drew down in a grim line. He stared at Arman for long moments, unnerving Arman a little, since this penetrating gaze was nothing like what Arman usually received from his healer friend. But at last he sighed. “All I truly want is to go home...and to be with you. Because Reji’s right, the damn interfering bastard—I do love you. But
you’re
wrong—I don’t love you because I need you. I need you because I love you.”

Kei was trying to sound irritated, but underneath the tone was a note of...fear? Did he truly think Arman would reject him, when he’d just given Arman the gift he wanted most in the world? Cautious hope bloomed within Arman. “Then if you want to go home, and you want to be with me, the answer is that I go home with you, is it not?”

“But...you can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because...you’re going home. Back to Utuk.”

Arman stood and went to Kei. He would have knelt but his leg would never have stood that strain. “I told you. I’ve had no home since Loke died—none save with you. I’ll live anywhere in any way that lets me be with you.”

Kei let Arman pull him to his feet. “But Karus...your career.... These are important to you, don’t deny it.”

“Yes, they are, but not as important as you. Karus told me to find some joy in my life. You bring me joy, Kei. You’re my home, my peace, and I will live in a hut in the wilderness if your people won’t allow me to be with you, but...if your only reason for not letting me be with you is this, then...please, don’t throw your life away on a principle.”

Kei stared into his eyes without saying a word, and Arman couldn’t begin to work out what was going on in that moral, battered head of his. At last he stepped back, and Arman’s heart sank, fearing he hadn’t convinced Kei, or that there was some objection he hadn’t covered. But then Kei picked up the end of his braid and tugged at the leather thong that held the tail in place, pulling the tie off completely. He shook his head and his hair fell loose around him, like a rippling black silk sail.

Arman’s mouth went dry at the sight, and he hardly dared breathe for the desire that filled him, the raw need the simple gesture had woken in him after so many weeks of holding his passion in check. If Kei turned away now, Arman thought he might go mad.

“I think,” Kei said quietly, “my answer is best given in another way.” He came to Arman, bringing his hands up to cup his face before gently touching his lips to Arman’s.

Arman buried his trembling hands in the long, fine mass of Kei’s hair. “I love you,” he whispered. Kei kissed him again, this time more forcibly, and Arman discovered what it was like to kiss where there was desire and love, where there was no duty, only need. He discovered what it was like to hold a lithe, hard body against him, to feel Kei hardening and know it was for him and because of him, and that he didn’t have to hide his own passion any longer. Kei’s mouth burned and ravaged him and he, a willing student and devotee, could only go where Kei’s skilful hands and lips led him.

Kei pressed him back a little, and the stumble that caused brought Arman back to their situation. “I foresee two difficulties.”

Kei leaned back a little, his eyes crossed a little with lust. “Which are?”

Arman smiled at his impatient tone. “My leg won’t stand much more of this—and I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. There’s also your headache to consider.”

Kei closed in on him again and rested against him provocatively. “What headache?” he breathed, his words sending ripples of excitement to Arman’s cock. But then he stepped back again and bent to pick up the walking stick Arman hadn’t even noticed he’d dropped. He gave him the stick, collected the lamp from the desk and held out his hand. “Come with me.”

Arman seized his hand and let himself be led into the bedroom, feeling more apprehensive than the first time he took command of the army, and every bit as inexperienced. He was glad of Kei’s confident desire, and only hoped he wouldn’t disappoint him too badly.

But Kei, once he set the lamp down, put his arms around him and laid his head on Arman’s shoulder. “You really don’t have any idea, do you?”

Arman shook his head, at the same time indulging a long-held fantasy of being able to run his fingers through Kei’s unbound hair. “I’m sorry...I know you expect—”

Kei put a finger to his lips. “I expect nothing. I just want you to hold me as a lover, not as a friend.”

“Can’t I be both?”

Kei lifted his head to smile at him. “Friend or no friend, I at least want you to be naked.”

Arman had never slept naked in his life, and the idea of being allowed to have Kei’s bare skin on his own made him tremble. He nodded, and stood still as Kei solemnly undressed him, even unwinding his loincloth and folding everything neatly on a chair. Even though Kei had seen him nude before, this was different—he was no longer a patient, or a master. He was that new and wonderful thing, Kei’s lover, and beloved of Kei. “It’s only fair,” he said, his voice hoarse with desire, “that you undress too.”

Kei laughed. “Don’t be so impatient. Sit.”

He pushed Arman carefully back onto the bed, before stepping back into the pool of lamplight. He slowly unlaced his shirt, deft fingers playing with the leather, his throat exposed as if to invite a kiss or even something less gentle. As he drew his shirt off, his stomach muscles rippled, and Arman realised how very strong and fit Kei had become over their long journey with all the riding. Trousers were slid down over powerful, lean thighs, then Kei’s long cock sprang free, erect and unashamed. Arman flushed—he’d seen Kei naked too, but never in a state of arousal. Because he was so natural about his nudity, and so lacking in aggression, sometimes it was easy to forget he was entirely male, hair or no hair, gentle manner or not.

The oddness of the situation was suddenly brought home to him. “I’ve never been with a man,” he blurted out. “I’ve never even slept with anyone but Mayl.”

Kei finished undressing unhurriedly as if he hadn’t spoken at all, then came over and kissed him again, on the lips, and on the forehead, as if to reassure him. His body felt so warm, the muscles hard under deceptively soft skin, so smooth and fine. “Then you’ve never made love at all.”

Arman nodded. He doubted Kei really knew just how very inexperienced he was, but he wasn’t going to tell him, and Kei was hardly pressing him. “I want to make love to
you
.”

“Yes.” Kei’s hands ran gently down his sides, making him shiver. “So hairy, but so beautiful. Like a god.”

“Not a god. The gods are cruel.”

“And you’re always kind to me,” he said, leaning in for a kiss. He looked up at Arman. “Are you worried?”

“Terrified. I have no idea what you want to do with me.”

Kei gave him a slightly impish smile. “Nothing bad, I promise.”

“You couldn’t. To have you touch me....” He caressed Kei’s cheek. “Or to touch.... I’ve been starving all my life for this.” Kei nodded against his hand, leaning into it. “Will you have regrets? You love Reji, and he certainly loves you.”

“This won’t change my feelings for Reji. It just means I won’t have sex with him any more, because I’m going to be with you now.” As he spoke, his hands moved gently down Arman’s stomach, brushing his cock and making it leap a little. “Have you never even thought about what you might do with me if I ever was with you?”

Arman shook his head. His imagination had so little to work with, and none of it concerned two men together. “Just...to hold you and...to touch you.”

Kei took Arman’s hand and wrapped some of his hair around it. “You want to touch this, I know.”

“Yes.”
Oh yes.

“Tell me how you want to touch it, Arman. What would you like me to do to you while you hold my hair? Should I kiss you?” Arman nodded, winding his fingers even more tightly into the smooth length of Kei’s hair. Kei leaned forward and nibbled at his lips. “Your beard feels strange,” he whispered, rubbing the bristle.

“I’ll shave it off.”

“No. I thought I’d want you to, but now I want you to keep it.” Kei kissed him again, and then knelt so he could lay his face on Arman’s stomach, kissing the soft skin of his belly, teasing the fine hairs there with his tongue and making Arman shiver. He licked a little lower, and bit gently at the skin below his navel, a strange and powerfully arousing sensation—Arman had never felt so sexually stimulated, his cock never this hard or needy before.

He didn’t know what to ask for or where to touch Kei, but he needed more of something, that was for sure. And he wanted it soon or he might possibly lose his mind if Kei bit him like that again.

As if sensing that, Kei dipped his head lower, his hands parting Arman’s thighs, his fingers stroking along the soft inner skin near his balls. Arman held his breath—what was Kei going to do now? Warm lips brushed lightly against the top of his cock and he jerked in surprise—he hadn’t thought...would Kei really...?