Kayden: The Past (17 page)

“I don’t know. I just did. I swear it wasn’t intentional, babe.” I rested my head against the pay phone.

“Jesus Christ! I mean really, Kayden? How can you be so damn forgetful?” she yelled into the phone almost blasting out my eardrums. I held the phone away from my ear to let her finish. “Oh yeah, probably because you were too busy drinking Jack than running down after work to pay your fucking fine.”

“I’m sorry! What else can I say?” I felt like a child – tiny and stupid. “I fucked up, babe. Now I have to sit in jail until tomorrow. I didn’t want this to happen.”

“When do you see the judge?”

“Nine am tomorrow morning and then I’ll be home.”

“I’ll be there to get you.” With that, the phone clicked, and she was gone.

There was anger and a hatred that I never heard in her voice before. Danielle wasn’t the most put together and organized person. I thought she’d understand and maybe even laugh at me, but I never expected the amount of anger that I felt slap me in the face.

I was thankful when morning came, and I walked into the court room. The night seemed to drag on, and I was cold and lonely without Danielle. I saw her sitting in the court room, and I smiled when she looked at me, but I didn’t get a smile in return. The smile quickly left my face and worry filled my insides. A knot formed in my stomach as I waited for my name to be called.

“Mr. Michaels?” The bailiff called out to the crowd.

I rose to my feet and approached the small podium in handcuffs. “Here, judge.”

“Mr. Michaels, you stand before me now because you failed to appear before me for a traffic violation.”

“Yes, sir.” I swallowed hard, and my mouth grew dry just by the look of him. He didn’t look friendly or forgiving.

“You were cited with reckless driving, and there is a heavy fine associated with the offense.” He riffled through his paperwork before speaking again, “You’ll serve three days in jail, Mr. Michaels, for failure to appear and pay a five hundred dollar fine for the reckless driving charge.”

I stood there trying to process the words. Three days in jail. I wouldn’t be getting out today. “Judge, I forgot about the ticket, please. I have a job and a wife, please.”

“Maybe next time you’ll remember, son. ‘I forgot’ is not a reasonable defense.” He slammed down the gavel, and the officer walked toward me to bring me to the court room. I turned around needing to catch a glimpse of Danielle, but she was gone.

The only thing I could think about while I watched the minutes tick away on the piece of shit clock on the wall was Danielle. How in the fuck did she just leave me there without a goodbye or even a last look? She just vanished without a trace. I felt like I was going to climb the walls. I was trapped inside, and Danielle hadn’t answered any of my phone calls. She shut me out and turned me off.

It Doesn’t Only Happen in the Movies ~ Danielle

I walked out of the county jail around noon. Three days felt like an eternity stuck in a small cell eating bologna sandwiches and staring at a plain yellow wall. The one thing that jail is great for is thinking and self-evaluation. Danielle leaving the courtroom, without so much as a last look, was an eye opener. I needed to change my ways; I needed to get my shit together for the sake of my future, our future.

I looked around the parking lot, but I didn’t see her or our car. My stomach twisted at the realization that she wasn’t there to get me. A car slowly pulled up in front of me, and it was one of the guys from work. He rolled down the window, and I know I looked totally confused.

“Dude, I’m here to get you,” Derek said. Derek and I lived together when I first moved to St. Louis and went through training together. He was in his work vehicle and didn’t look entirely happy to be picking me up. We became friends during the couple of months I’ve been in St. Louis. When you’re new to a city, you gravitate to those you know and become friends quickly.

“Where’s Danielle?” I asked still looking around the parking lot.

“She said she had to work and couldn’t get out of it. She gave me twenty bucks to come get your sorry ass and bring you home.” I didn’t like the feeling of the entire situation. Noon wasn’t a peak hour in the bar; she could’ve easily taken an hour off to pick me up and bring me home. My heart hurt; she was still punishing me. I know I fucked up, but my indiscretion wasn’t worth all this suffering she’d been inflicting on me.

“It’s fine man. Thanks for getting me. I can’t wait to get home.”

“Get in, let’s roll. I have a couple jobs to get to this afternoon.”

I climbed in his truck, and we chatted on the way home. “Does Don still want me back at work?” I asked.

“Fuck yeah, man. We’re slammed and shorthanded. You’re on the schedule tomorrow.”

Thank God for little miracles. “Good. I was worried that I wouldn’t have a job to come back to. I’ll give him a call when I get home.”

Derek dropped me at the curb, and I climbed the stairs to our apartment. I unlocked the door and walked into an empty space. I hoped that Danielle would be there waiting for me, that Derek was just a diversion. I had dreams of her waiting for me in a little teddy at the door, but my daydream was just that, a fantasy.

An envelope caught my eye on the kitchen table. Kayden was written in cursive, and it wasn’t sealed. I opened it and withdrew the single white sheet of paper.

Kayden,

I can’t do this anymore… I can’t do us. We’re two different people, and it doesn’t work for me anymore. I think it’s time for us to move on with our lives and go our separate ways. I didn’t know how else to tell you.

We only married because of the baby, and I don’t see a reason to move forward in this relationship. I don’t feel I’m your number on – the thing you can’t live without. I’ve always come second to alcohol. Losing the baby destroyed me and made me look at our life together. We weren’t right for each other then, and we aren’t now. I’ve felt detached from you after losing our baby.

I met someone, and he’s helped me realize that we aren’t meant to be. I can’t devote my life and my heart to someone who I don’t love anymore. I thought my heart shattered and died months ago, but I realize it was only temporarily frozen. When I’m with you, all I can think of is what should’ve been but will never be.

I’ve taken my stuff home and will be moving in with my mother; we started speaking after you left for St. Louis. She flew here and helped me gather my things, and we left yesterday.

Thank you for the memories and the chance to have a family; we just weren’t meant to be.

-D

The letter slipped from my fingers and drifted to the floor. I stood there with my heart beating out of my chest. My body frozen in place.
She left me?
I knew that things weren’t great, but I never expected this.
She met someone?
It was her idea that I go ahead and get settled, and she’d meet me when the time was right. I left her alone just long enough in her grief to find someone else to love.

Someone without all the painful memories.

I sat down at the kitchen table and stared out the window. My mind still hadn’t processed the finality of the situation. Could she really leave me with a Dear John type letter? I thought that shit only happened in the movies not in real life.

I didn’t cry. I sat there in shock for what felt like hours. The loss of our child had been gut wrenching, but the loss of Danielle had felt earth shattering. I held my shit together with the loss of our baby because I had to be strong for her. Who did I have now? I was alone.

Using alcohol as an excuse was bullshit. Danielle was every bit an addict as me; it was a cop out. I picked up my phone and called her, but it went right to voicemail. She took the easy way out with the letter, the coward’s way.

I went on a bender. I don’t know exactly how much time passed after coming home to an empty house and waking up on the couch. Days probably, it’s all a haze to me today. I consumed all the alcohol I could find in the apartment – which is more than I’d like to admit. I woke up smelling like shit, sweaty, and in the same outfit I walked out of jail in. I lost time… days which I’ll never get back. How could she walk away from me? I never made her feel like my number two, but in her eyes, the booze always came first. Drinking ruined my life or at least it was the reason that was used, but what else did I have in my life?

I crawled off the couch and needed a shower. I needed to rid myself of the funk and clean my act up. I needed to get the fuck out of this place.

My phone rang, and my heart leapt. Danielle wanted me back. The time away made her realize she was wrong. I looked down at the screen, but it was my mom.

“Hey mom.”

“Where have you been? I’ve been calling you for days, and Danielle hasn’t been picking up her phone. I’ve been worried to death, Kayden.”

“She left me, mom.”

“What?”

“I fucked up, mom. I came home a couple of days ago to a letter that said she left.”

“You’re too good for that girl, anyways, babe. Come home.”

Home was no longer Ohio. My mom and Joe moved to Florida to live the dream of every retiree. They wanted sunshine and beaches to fill their days instead of shoveling snow and freezing for six months out of the year.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do, mom.” Tears filled my eyes. How could my world collapse in such a short time? I’d swear I had a black fucking cloud that followed me around and fucked with my life. “I’m a little old to live with you, and maybe Danielle will come back.”

“You’ve always got a place here. It’s warm all year, and winter’s coming. The door is always open.”

“Thanks, mom. I need to figure this out for myself, but I’ll get back to you.”

“Where have you been the past couple of days?”

“I forgot to pay a ticket and had to spend three days in jail.” I cringed holding the phone away from my ear.

“What? Kayden, I thought I taught you better than that. How could you be so damn forgetful?”

“It happened when I first moved here. I fucked up. I know, mom.”

“Well, I won’t harp on you. It seems like you have enough shit on your plate right now. Just think about it, a fresh start. Love you, baby.”

“Love you, too, Mom. I’ll call soon.”

St. Louis was supposed to be a fresh start, but it ended up being the finish line.

I called Don and quit. I couldn’t go back to work. I needed to get the fuck away from this apartment and anything that reminded me of us. I spent the rest of the day packing up my shit and loaded it in my truck. I needed to find Danielle. I needed her to tell me face to face that we were over, fuck the letter bullshit. I wanted to remind her of what she threw away – me.

I left early in the morning after sleeping one last time in our bed. I slept with my head on her pillow, smelling the perfumed shampoo she used. The more miles that passed; the more pissed off I became. When she came to St. Louis had she already found the other man in her life? She was sneaky and never let on. I didn’t know we had a problem until I was arrested, and she left me in court. I never would’ve imagined that I was disposable.

I pulled into her mother’s around four in the afternoon. Danielle’s car was the only one in the driveway. I parked down the street and casually walked up and knocked on the door.

“One second.” Her voice was muffled by the door.

The door opened, and her smile slowly faded to a look of shock. “Kayden, what are you doing here?”

“You think you just leave me a letter and I’d let us die that easy? I’d just accept it and walk away?”

“No, but I hoped you would. I don’t know why you’re here. I’m not changing my mind.”

“Can’t we at least talk about this? Don’t I get a say in any of this?”

“No, there’s nothing to talk about. I want out.”

“You don’t love me anymore?”

“I don’t know if I ever loved you, Kayden.” My heart shattered in a million little pieces with those words.

“Why did you marry me then?”