Karlology (16 page)

WHEN
I
W
AS A KID
I used to hear our nei
g
hbou
r
C
h
ar
l
ie
l
eaving t
h
e
h
ouse at 7:45 am to go to
A
sd
a
,
wh
ere
h
e wou
ld
h
appi
l
y wait outsi
d
e to guarantee gettin
g
some warm
f
res
h
b
rea
d
w
h
en t
h
e
d
oors were un
l
oc
k
e
d
at
8
am. I never un
d
erstoo
d
t
h
e ur
g
enc
y
an
d
a
l
wa
y
s sai
d
I wou
ld
n
ever queue for something to open. I thought of Charlie as
I
found myself waiting alone outside London Zoo thirty minutes
b
e
f
ore o
p
enin
g
time
.

L
ast time I came
h
ere I
g
ot anno
y
e
d
cos I
p
ai
d
£14 to
g
et into the
p
lace, onl
y
to find the sloth aslee
p
at four o’clock in t
h
e a
f
ternoon. T
h
is s
h
ou
ld
n’t
b
e a
ll
owe
d
. I
f
S
h
amu t
h
e
k
i
ll
e
r w
h
a
l
e at
D
i
sne
y
d
eci
d
e
d
it cou
ld
n’t
b
e
b
ot
h
ere
d
j
um
p
in
g
t
h
rou
gh
h
oo
p
s, t
h
e
y
’
d
g
et ri
d
o
f
it, so I
d
on’t see w
hy
t
h
is
sloth is getting away with just hanging there asleep not liftin
g
a
fi
n
g
er. I
d
on’t
k
now w
hy
it’s
b
een
g
iven so muc
h
s
p
ace to
h
an
g
a
b
out in – it isn’t usin
g
an
y
o
f
it. It wou
ld
b
e
j
ust as happy hanging in a wardrobe
.

They say you have to evolve and adapt to survive, yet t
h
e s
l
ot
h
d
oes not
h
ing. T
h
ey say “surviva
l
o
f
t
h
e
fi
ttest”,
b
ut I t
h
in
k
it’s “surviva
l
o
f
t
h
e tastiest”. It’s a we
ll
-
k
nown
f
act t
h
at t
h
e extinct
d
o
d
o
d
i
d
n’t taste ver
y
nice. (T
h
ou
gh
I
bet the last one did. I always find I enjoy my last Rolo or
M
alteser more than the ones that preceded it. I guess it’s
j
ust cos I
k
now it’s t
h
e
l
ast one.) I t
h
in
k
tastin
g
b
a
d
is one
of
t
h
e reasons t
h
e
d
o
d
o
d
ie
d
out. It’s a
l
wa
y
s t
h
e anima
l
s we don’t eat that become endangered species. Pandas, gorillas,
p
olar bears: all stuff in danger, and all stuff not available at t
h
e
b
utc
h
er’s. T
h
e cow wou
ld
never
d
ie out cos t
h
e new
s
p
a
p
ers wou
ld
d
o a
b
i
g
cam
p
ai
g
n. I can see it now: “Save t
h
e Sun
d
a
y
Roast”. I
f
p
o
l
ar
b
ears are
dy
in
g
out, we s
h
ou
ld
add
t
h
e
m
to
t
h
e
m
eat
to
eat
li
st.
I
t
hink w
e
cou
l
d
do
wi
t
h
a
n
ot
h
e
r m
eat
as
t
h
e
r
e
does
n’
t
see
m
to
be
t
h
at
m
uc
h
c
h
o
i
ce.
Bee
f
,
l
am
b
, c
h
ic
k
en or
p
or
k
. T
h
ere’s seven
d
a
y
s in a wee
k
y
et on
ly
f
our c
h
oices o
f
meat, or on
ly
t
h
ree i
f
y
ou’re
J
ewis
h
. They say polar bears are in danger cos the ice is melting. So
n
ot only will they die out, they won’t even be kept fresh,
wh
ic
h
means goo
d
meat wi
ll
b
e going to waste.

A
nima
l
s t
h
at
p
u
ll
t
h
eir wei
gh
t wi
ll
b
e aroun
d
f
or ever.
H
orses wor
k
an
d
g
et eaten in France; s
h
ee
p
g
ive us woo
l
as well as chops; cows give us milk as well as steak. But the
best has got to be the chicken. They give us so much: chick
e
n
b
reast, c
h
ic
k
en
l
egs, wings (t
h
e
f
act c
h
ic
k
ens
h
ave wings t
h
at t
h
e
y
d
on’t even use
b
ut t
h
at we can eat is evi
d
ence that these animals were desi
g
ned to be eaten), and that’s if a chicken gets past being eaten by us when it’s an egg. So
y
ou have to say the panda is not helping itself by supplyin
g
n
ot
h
in
g
an
d
j
ust sittin
g
a
b
out
f
ee
l
in
g
sorr
y
f
or itse
lf
.

T
h
e wor
k
ers in t
h
e zoo were
g
ivin
g
me o
dd
l
oo
k
s w
h
i
l
e
p
reparing for opening time as I don’t think they see that many 35-year-old men waiting for the zoo to open. It was
9:30
an
d
t
h
e
pl
ace
d
i
d
n’t o
p
en unti
l
10 am.
O
p
en
i
n
g
t
i
mes are o
dd
t
h
in
g
s. T
h
ere
d
oesn’t seem to
b
e an
y
s
y
stem in
L
o
ndon when it comes to opening times. I used to pass a sex shop in Soho on the way to work that was open at 8:30 am, ready for any passers-by that needed a butt plug, and
y
et
y
ou mi
gh
t
h
ave to wait unti
l
9 am
f
or somew
h
ere t
h
at
w
ill sell you a pint of milk to open. L
o
n
do
n i
s
odd
lik
e
that – some stuff just doesn’t make sense. Berwick Street in Soho is a mix of fruit stalls and sex bars, as if they work
h
an
d
in
h
an
d
. It’s
q
uite a rou
gh
street.
A
ll
t
h
e
b
ananas are
f
u
ll
o
f
b
ruises.