Kane, Samantha - Brothers In Arms 4 (41 page)

Ian sat up and leaned over her where she was curled up in a sobbing heap. He

grasped her shoulder firmly. “No. Sophie, listen to me. You must stop crying and listen to me, darling. Please.”

Sophie’s sobs quieted after a moment, though she continued to hiccup and sniffle into the bed, refusing to look at Ian.

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“Sophie, I don’t hate you, and neither does Derek. Sophie, I love you. I’ve told you that. I think Derek could love you too, if he’d let himself. He won’t tell me what’s wrong. Derek doesn’t like to talk about what’s going on inside his head, not even with me. I have to drag it out of him most of the time. Eventually he’ll tell us, when he’s ready. You have to learn to be patient with Derek, Sophie. He’s so fragile. No one else sees it, but I do. Don’t you? Don’t you see how he’s breaking?” Ian bit back his own sob.

“He’s breaking. I thought we could fix him, you and I, Sophie, but what if it’s too late?”

Sophie turned to him and stared at him with her beautiful eyes red-rimmed and

swollen and still damp with tears. Ian searched the table next to the bed for a handkerchief. He found one and turned back to hand it to Sophie, who wiped her cheeks and blew her nose. “What do you mean, Ian? I don’t understand. How is he breaking? How can I help fix him?”

Ian lay back down and placed his forearm over his eyes to hold back the tears. “The nightmares, Sophie, they’re getting worse, not better. And Derek, did you know he used to laugh at everything? He was a devil, with a brutally sharp wit. When we were with Dolores we laughed all the time, even when hell was waiting right outside our tent. But he hardly laughs now, Sophie.” Ian moved his arm and looked at her, letting the bleakness he felt at losing Derek show. “I’ve never known him to sleep through the night. He avoids people, avoids attachments. His rudeness, his bullishness, it’s gotten worse in an attempt to drive people away. He won’t plan for the future, Sophie. It’s as if he doesn’t believe in a future.”

Sophie crawled back over to Ian and laid her head on his chest, curling up at his side. Ian wrapped his arm around her and held on as if she were an anchor in storm-tossed seas. “How did you think I would help, Ian?” she asked quietly.

Ian ran his hand through Sophie’s silky hair, smoothing it across her scalp. “Derek and I began in the war, Sophie, and in some ways, for Derek, that hasn’t ended. I’d hoped that you would be a new beginning for us, the start of the rest of our lives.

Something good and lasting that wasn’t rooted in that fucking Peninsula.” He turned his head and buried his face in the warmth and sweetness of her hair. “You were always for both of us, Sophie. You were going to save us, you see. You were going to give us a home, children, a family, a place to belong. And peace, God, how I wanted you to bring us peace.” Ian shook his head and spoke roughly. “I’m such a fool. What a burden to place on you, my love.”

“I love him.” Sophie’s voice was quiet and quavering. Her words pierced Ian with happiness, but also with sadness. Sophie had never said those words to Ian. He hadn’t realized that he needed Sophie as much as Derek did. She gave him all that he thought he’d lost in the war—joy, laughter, hope. When she continued with a sniff, Ian’s heart stopped beating for a moment, and then nearly pounded out of his chest. “I love him as much as I love you, Ian. I never thought I’d have anyone to love, or that anyone would love me. Loving you has been the most wonderful gift I’ve ever received. I’m selfish and greedy. I want to love Derek, too. I want him here with us, loving with us, sharing with us.”

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With a sob Ian hugged her tightly. “Yes. Yes, Sophie, that’s what I want too. What I’ve always wanted, for all of us.”

Sophie tenderly stroked his cheek. “We’ll find him, Ian, and we’ll fix him. We’ll fix us. I will save you, Ian, you and Derek. We’ll have everything we’ve dreamed of. I will give you children, and I will bring you peace. If I have to drag Derek back screaming and kicking to do it.”

She held Ian and he held her as they both cried. As Derek would say, Christ, what a fucking mess they all were.

* * * * *

They didn’t have to drag him back. The next morning Ian looked out the window of his study and saw Derek sitting on a bench in the garden looking pensive. How like him to suddenly appear and act as if he hadn’t gone missing in the first place. Ian couldn’t be angry. He was just so glad to see him. Sophie had gone shopping with Very and Kate, which was probably why Derek had come out of hiding.

Derek looked up at him when Ian sat on a bench across from him. “Hello.” Ian

spoke casually, trying not to spook him. Derek seemed in an odd mood.

Derek gave him that crooked little grin that always made Ian forgive him and want to fuck him. Derek knew exactly which cards to play in this game. Ian hardened himself to resist. It was past time they talked. “You ran yesterday.” Ian’s words were

deliberately provoking.

“Yes.” Derek surprised him by agreeing, not only readily but calmly. Derek got up from the bench and Ian tensed, anticipating another flight, but Derek just leaned against a tree trunk bordering the path and stared at the ground. Ian’s heart began to pound.

Derek wasn’t running or ranting defensively. Did this mean he was ready to talk?

“Why?” Ian started simply. He had a million questions, a million things he wanted to tell Derek, but he forced himself to go slowly.

“Because she scares the hell out of me.” Derek looked up at him through his lashes, his face relaxed in spite of his words.

“Sophie?” Ian asked in shock. “Why?”

“I’m afraid, Ian. I’m afraid to love her.” Derek paused and looked away again, and Ian almost spoke, but he sensed Derek had more to say. “I loved Dolores, you know.”

Ian was a little taken aback at the change of topic. He felt his way blindly through the conversation. “I suspected as much, although you never said the words.”

“She was…sweet. I’d never met a girl like her before, sweet and easy to be around, so accepting of who I was. And then at night, she’d let us do anything we wanted, she loved it, every minute of it. She was wild and hungry and wanted us and didn’t think it was wrong.”

Derek’s voice was so low Ian could hardly hear him, but he could hear the emotion in it. “I know,” Ian agreed. “She was unlike anyone I’d ever met.”

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“But you didn’t love her.” It was more of a statement than a question, but Ian

responded.

“I loved her, in a way. Not like I love Sophie, but Dolores was important to me.”

“No,” it was Derek’s turn to agree, “not like Sophie.” He turned his shoulder so he was leaning facing away from Ian. “Do you remember how she used to dance?” He was talking about Dolores again. “Day, night, it didn’t matter, Dolores danced. She’d hum and dance around the tent, swirling her skirts.”

“I remember.” Ian couldn’t keep the sadness out of his voice.

“I dreamed it was Sophie.” Derek’s voice was harsh, as if confessing some sin.

“Dancing? That’s not so unusual, Derek. You danced with her yesterday.”

Derek was shaking his head vigorously. “No. The night you were gone. The

nightmare.”

“I don’t…” Ian’s confusion cleared with sudden gut-wrenching clarity. “Oh God,

Derek.”

Derek turned back to face Ian, his shoulders slumped against the tree. He covered his eyes with a shaking hand. “I can’t get it out of my head, Ian. What if she dies?”

“Derek,” Ian said gently, “Sophie isn’t going to die.”

“Dolores did.” Derek’s voice was bleak, his posture dejected. He was breaking Ian’s heart. He had never let Ian or anyone else inside him like this, never shown his weaknesses. He always had to be strong, belligerent even. Ian loved him even more now that he’d seen him humbled and trembling.

“It was war. We were…stupid, monstrously stupid not to consider the possibility.

But there are no French cannon here, Derek.”

Derek laughed reluctantly. “No, no French cannon, but there are other things that could take her.”

Ian couldn’t fight that logic. “Yes, yes there are. Just as they could take you or me.

Death is a part of living, Derek. You can’t let the specter of it shadow your life.”

Derek thumped the heel of his hand against his forehead in frustration. “I know that here. But it doesn’t stop me from wanting to throw up at the thought of loving and losing another woman.”

“You don’t let it stop you from loving me.”

Derek looked up at Ian in shock. “Nothing could stop me from loving you. I did

almost from the first moment I saw you.”

Ian chuckled at the memory. “I was hardly at my best. Thank God for young,

scavenging lieutenants.”

“I knew when I saw you that the rumors were true.” Ian stopped laughing and

looked at Derek, dismay and resignation flooding him.

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“I guess I always knew that was why you came, why you stayed. But the rumors

were just superstitious nonsense, Derek. I can die, just like everyone else. If you love me because you think I’m invincible, then you are bound to be disappointed.”

Derek smiled thinly. “I thought at the time that anyone who looked as you did, so strong, so beautiful, a golden Adonis with the mouth of a dock worker and the fighting skills of a pirate—if anyone was going to survive that war, it would be you.”

Ian laughed disbelievingly. “You thought I couldn’t die. Why was that so important to you? I mean, men were dying all around, it was war. Why search for the one man who wouldn’t die?” Ian shook his head. “Never mind. That’s an idiotic question.”

“I was at Talavera.”

“Christ, Derek.” Ian was so shocked he didn’t know what to say. Derek had never told him that. He’d had no idea he’d lived through that nightmare. Three thousand British against ten thousand French, and a grass fire had swept over the wounded on the battlefield when it was over. “You never told me.”

“Well, today is the day for confessions, isn’t it?” Derek smiled grimly. “By the time I found you I’d spent nearly two years without any sleep. Being with you let me sleep.”

Derek rubbed his face tiredly. “For a while anyway.”

“Is that why you seduced me that night? Because you thought I couldn’t die, that I would never leave you? Is that why you’re here today?” Ian’s chest was tight.

“Don’t be an ass.” Derek’s tone was back to its normal acidity. “I seduced you that night because I wanted you, had wanted you for quite some time, since before Dolores.

I just wanted you, Ian. I wasn’t thinking about death then, just you and me.”

“Why are you here now?” Ian wasn’t sure he wanted to know. If the answer would

drive him and Derek farther apart, he’d gladly let the matter drop. He would live never knowing as long as Derek was here with him. He almost told Derek that, but Derek answered his question.

“I’m here because I love you.” The look on Derek’s face was intent as he regarded Ian. “I may have come to you because I thought I’d never lose you. But I stayed because you made me strong enough to survive even if I did. I love you because you love me, warts and all. I’ve never dissembled with you, never lied about who I am. You’ve never made me pretty myself or my manners up, and you’ve defended me to all comers. You encouraged me to be what I wanted, to pursue my interests, and you’ve never asked for anything in return. You showed me what sex could be between men and women, and

then between us.” Derek straightened so he was no longer leaning against the tree. “I love you because of who you make me when I’m with you. I love you because we have a history together. When I’m with you there is no me, just us. You are the other half of my soul, Ian. Do not ever forget that.”

Sometime during Derek’s impassioned speech, Ian had risen. He didn’t remember

doing it, but suddenly he was there before Derek, pulling his head down, kissing him.

Derek wrapped an arm around Ian and clutched a fistful of his jacket in his hand as he opened his mouth and accepted Ian, begged for him, reveled in him. This was part of 207

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why Ian loved Derek so much. He had always accepted him like this, as if their passion was the most natural, wonderful thing in the world. Ian knew how precious that was, that acceptance. It was the way Sophie accepted him too. He slowly pulled back from the kiss and rested his lips against Derek’s jaw. Derek tilted his head to give him more access.

“Sophie is in love with you,” Ian murmured, kissing the soft spot along Derek’s jaw just below his ear.

“I didn’t mean for it to happen,” Derek murmured back, pulling Ian closer as he shivered at Ian’s kisses.

“But it has. Will you deny her?” Ian relaxed back away from Derek enough to see his face. Derek looked scared, bewildered and unsure. Ian had never seen Derek like that before, and his vulnerability made Ian ache to take him right there.

Derek shook his head in confusion. “How can I deny her when I love her? And how can I love her when I’m so afraid?”

Derek was pulled from his thoughts and Ian’s arms by shouting in the house.

“What the hell?” Ian muttered. He let Derek go and turned to stride quickly back toward the study doors. Before he arrived, Very appeared in the doorway. She was disheveled and in an unaccustomed panic.

“Ian! Derek! It’s Sophie! Hurry, we’ve got to find her!”

Derek’s insides twisted violently in fear. Sophie, oh God, Sophie. What was wrong?

Derek ran to Very, but Ian was there already. Ian held the terrified girl by the shoulders as he questioned her. He was trying to soothe her, but in his own panic, Derek didn’t see her trembling or the blood on her lip. He shoved Ian out of the way and grabbed Very, shaking her roughly. “What are you talking about? Talk sense, Very! Where is Sophie?”

Derek’s rough handling seemed to bring Very to her senses. She slapped his hands away. “We were coming out of a shop and two men grabbed her. I’d sent the footman ahead to the carriage with packages, and when I tried to stop them, one of them hit me.