Just the Way You Are (31 page)

‘Well now you do.’ Her lips curved into a nasty little smirk as she looped her arm through Max’s.

‘We’re… we’re going to Paris.’ he announced. ‘We’ve been talking recently and we decided to give things another try.’

I couldn’t quite read the expression on his face but I was pretty sure it wasn’t a happy one. Then again, that was probably wishful thinking on my part.

‘It was a last minute deal, wasn’t it babe?’ said Amira. ‘I can’t wait to visit the City of Love with the guy I love.’

She kissed his cheek and he squirmed.

‘Well, that’s great news.’ The words stuck in my throat but I forced myself to say them. ‘Hope you guys have a good time.’

I went to go back down the stairs, having never felt more stupid in my life.

‘Wait Ava, what did you want to talk to me about?’ Max called.

I turned around and hoped the tears would hold off long enough so that Amira didn’t see them.

‘You know what, it was nothing. Y-you go off and have a great time in Paris and I-I’ll see you when you get back!’

I made a desperate dash for the stairs and burst into tears when I got to the bottom. It was official: Max had slipped away from me and it was all my fault.

***

I wasn’t entirely sure how I got to Ivy’s house but I was glad she was in when I did. When I turned up on her doorstep, devastated and snotty-nosed, she took me inside and made me a pot of sweet tea.

‘Right, what’s going on honey?’ She sat down next to me and poured herself a cup.

I dug into my bag and pulled out the infamous shortbread tin. I’d stopped at the flat before going to Ivy’s and picked it up. After a long sip of tea, I opened the tin and passed it to her.

‘Every letter’s in there,’ I replied. ‘Every single letter Mr… I mean
Max
sent me. That’s what I threw away Ivy, because I was so bloody stupid. We were both scared of disappointing each other, but I couldn’t see that. I just assumed he was going to let me love him for a while then go away when things got a bit tough, but I was wrong, I was so wrong. Now he’s gone off to Paris with Amira and she’s nasty and beautiful and nowhere near good enough for him.’

I stopped talking and started making a noise between sobbing and gibbering. I knew I made no sense but it was the only way I could think of to express how I felt.

Ivy sighed and pulled me in for a hug. I whimpered in her arms until I realised how pathetic I was being.

‘I’m sorry.’ I sat up and wiped my eyes. ‘You’ve got enough to worry about without me dumping all my trivial problems on you.’

‘Child, think nothing of it. Lord knows I know how painful love can be, especially love you could’ve had but missed out on for whatever reason.’

‘Like what happened with you and Leo? How are you two anyway?’

‘Yeah exactly like that. We’re great, it’s like we’ve never been apart. We went to the Christmas dance at the senior centre and he walked me home afterwards like the perfect gentleman. He and his family came over for New Year’s and we’ve seen each other regularly ever since. We’ve even talked about getting married soon.’

‘I can’t imagine anything better than you two getting married,’ I replied. ‘Remember my invitation to the big day!’

‘Child, you’re the reason the big day’s happening!’ Ivy stroked my hair then turned her attention to the shortbread tin. ‘Mind if I read some of these letters?’

‘Go right ahead.’ I curled up on the couch and took tentative sips of my tea.

She selected one, unfurled it and began to read it aloud.

Dear Ava,

Autumn might be completely upon us now, but you make every day seem like summer. No matter how many letters I write, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to find the words to describe how happy you make me.

It was the Halloween party at the Union last night; I went along for a while, hoping to see you, but you weren’t there. When I asked where you were, someone said you were alone in your room, crying because a douchebag called Mark had broken your heart. It tore me apart to think of you alone and upset with no one to comfort you and every fibre of me told me to go to you right away. However, something stopped me. The last thing you needed when you were confused and upset was me rocking up and revealing who I am to you. So I decided to stay away and write you another letter instead. I want the moment I finally let you know who I am to be a happy one, not one where you’re broken-hearted over some other guy.

I’m not sure what Mark did to make you so sad, but whatever it was proves he doesn’t deserve you. You’re a beautiful, smart and funny girl; you’re way better than some idiot who doesn’t know how lucky he is to be with you. The right person will come along one day Ava. I can’t tell you how badly I’d love it to be me. However hard it might be, keep smiling beautiful.

Love always,

?

‘Why are you reading it out?’ I asked. ‘I’ve read it a hundred times; I know what it says.

‘I’m reading it because you need to get some spirit back!’ Ivy replied in her usual no-nonsense voice. ‘Remember what I told you; everything will be OK in the end. If it’s not OK, it’s not the end.’

My voice caught in my throat and I smiled. ‘Yeah, I remember that.’

‘Just because there have been a few setbacks doesn’t mean everything can’t still work out well. Here’s another letter in case you don’t believe me.’

Dear Ava,

You might not have been expecting me to write again. In fact, I wasn’t sure myself if I could get up the courage to write another letter to you. The first one absolutely terrified me; what if you screwed your nose up at it and threw it away? What if it completely freaked you out if you somehow figured out who I was? There were so many questions and reservations at the back of my mind but they all disappeared when I realised that I was taking the first step towards finally making something happen between us. I’d gotten off my lazy arse and decided to fight for you, like I’d always wanted to do but had been too scared to. I knew then that I’d done the right thing. All I’ve ever wanted to do is make you smile; pity I’m such a bloody coward eh?! The letters are my way of communicating with you until I get the courage to actually tell you in person how I feel about you. This might sound like absolute nonsense to you but if you knew how much you mean to me, you’d understand why I’m taking time. I want you to get to know me through the letters first; they’re the only place I can be myself with you without getting tongue-tied and making a complete fool of myself. When I’m writing to you, I can be that fairy tale prince you’re always going on about. One day I can hopefully be the same in person. You’re completely amazing and deserve the best of everything. You deserve success and happiness, along with someone who’ll support and love you every step of the way. They should love each and every one of your adorable quirks and spend every minute wondering how on earth they got so lucky. I so wish you could see what I see when I look at you. I see everything I’ve ever wanted all wrapped up in you. I can’t promise that you’ll feel exactly the same when you look at me but hopefully you will. Keep smiling beautiful.

Love always

?

‘I appreciate you trying to make me feel better Ivy, I really do, but things are ruined now. I’ve lost Max forever.’

I hugged her goodbye, picked up my stuff and left.

When I got home, Manchester was pitch black, save for the pinpricks of light dotted around the landscape. I was so sad I could barely walk and had to drag my feet to get anywhere. I threw myself onto the couch and pulled out my phone: seven missed calls and ten texts from Max. Most of them said he wanted to know what I’d wanted to talk to him about and that he was boarding his flight to Paris soon but wanted to talk to me as soon as he got back. He also said I hadn’t been around much lately and that was why he hadn’t told me about Amira.

I hated to admit it but he was right. I’d been avoiding him recently, ever since I’d realised I was in love with him. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to see him – I wanted to be with him all the time – but I just didn’t know how to
be
in love.

I wasn’t sure I ever would.

Chapter 29

Early January and the hazy Christmas feeling disappeared without a trace. Some things changed and some things didn’t.

Max was still with Amira and sickeningly happy, by all accounts. He’d texted and called me when he got back from Paris but I’d deliberately avoided him. I knew if I told him what was really on my mind, he’d tell me he was flattered but that things were over between us and that would hurt more than anything. I’d missed my chance with him. I knew that now. Any notion of telling him how I felt about him or how I’d realised how stupid I’d been had gone out the window. He wouldn’t listen to me anyway and I didn’t deserve him to. No, I had to accept he was with Amira, let him be happy and move on. I might’ve screwed things up with us but he still had the chance to be happy and I had to let him take it.

Gwen was very loved-up with Jake. Although he didn’t buy her Louis Vuitton bags or Tiffany charm bracelets, he was loyal, kind and sweet and his love and affection for her came in spades. They’d gone to the north of Scotland to a cottage nestled by a loch belonging to a friend of his and when she got back, she told me she’d never had a better time with anyone.

Fran, meanwhile, had decided her life needed an overhaul after splitting up from Ryan. Although all her savings had vanished with him, she was making plans for herself. She was currently debating between a painting holiday in the south of France and a trip to Australia. I had to hand it to her: she was one of the most resilient people I knew.

Leo proposed to Ivy a couple of weeks after they were reunited and they were making plans for a spring/summer wedding. Although their children thought it was all a bit quick, they weren’t bothered: all they wanted was to spend the rest of their lives together.

And then there was me. After finding out Max and Amira were back together, I’d taken the decision to finally move on from the whole Mr Writer/Max thing. I hadn’t done anything rash like throw the letters out – they were far too precious – but I
had
dipped my toe back in the dating pond. I’d met Graham, a corporate accountant, at a wedding I’d been covering for
Sleek
. He’d asked me out for dinner and I’d agreed. It had only been a few weeks but I was starting to really enjoy spending time with him. He was kind, thoughtful and sweet. What more could I want? OK, so he wasn’t Max: that didn’t matter. Not in the slightest. At the same wedding, I’d ended up running into Dean Smith, the third Mr Writer candidate. He was now going by the name Desiree and had just taken his drag show to Benidorm. When I’d told him I thought he was Mr Writer, he burst out laughing.

‘Honey, I bloody loved you at uni, just not in that way. I came out when I was nineteen; I thought everybody knew!’

So that was it. My search was now officially over. No more loose ends, no more what ifs. The case was closed.

***

Graham picked me up from work on a mild and sunny morning in mid January. We were snatching an hour together while he was on his lunch. Our jobs were really hectic so our time together was at a premium.

‘Hey gorgeous,’ he said when I got in the car. He kissed me lightly on the lips and smiled at me. It was so nice to be appreciated sometimes.

‘Hey yourself! Had a good day?’

Graham proceeded to tell me about his day in the world of corporate accounting, which was… pretty boring I had to admit. However, he talked about it with such enthusiasm that it was impossible not to be happy for him.

‘That sounds great,’ I said when he’d finished. I felt bad because I hadn’t really been listening. ‘So where are we off to for lunch then?’

‘It’s a surprise.’ He grinned broadly then pulled out of the industrial estate.

As long as it’s not Brown’s.

After driving back into the city centre, Graham brought the car to a halt outside – yep, you guessed it – Brown’s. My stomach filled with dread. This was the last place I wanted to eat.

‘What do you think eh? I know some mates who’ve been here and they say the food’s amazing. Apparently they do a really good pear crumble.’

Oh I KNOW they do a good pear crumble. They also have a head chef that I’m head-over-heels for but can’t tell him because of his beautiful girlfriend.

‘Really?’ I said, trying to muster up some enthusiasm from somewhere. ‘Sounds great!’

Graham got out and opened the passenger side door for me, something he always did. He extended one of his large, capable hands to help me out and I took it.

‘You look wonderful.’

He took in my navy blue jersey dress and grinned to let me know he liked what he saw.

‘Really? My hair wouldn’t straighten this morning and…’ I blushed when I saw his stern expression. ‘Sorry, I’m still not that good at taking a compliment.’

He wrapped his arms around my waist. ‘What have I told you? You need to start believing that you’re amazing. You know, I still can’t believe I wasn’t even going to go to that wedding. I’m so glad I did.’

Graham tilted his head to the side and kissed me while I stood up against the side of the car. I heard traffic whizzing by and got a little scared in case someone was going to ram into us, but there was something about him that just screamed safe and dependable. He wouldn’t let anything happen to me.

Our kiss was interrupted by a voice from behind us.

‘All right?’

I instantly recognised it as Max’s and turned round sharpish, elbowing Graham in the solar plexus.

‘Oh I’m so sorry, are you OK?!’ I fussed over him while he bent himself in half and wheezed.

‘I’m… fine… fuck…’

I turned my attention back to Max, who didn’t look pleased to see me standing with a guy he didn’t know.

‘How’s tricks?’ I asked.

He nodded. ‘Yeah they’re great thanks. I, er, I called you a few times when I got back from Paris but you never got back to me.’

‘I’ve… I’ve been a bit busy lately.’ I gestured to Graham, who was now attempting to stand upright.