Just One Day (27 page)

Thirty-seven

W
e go to a late lunch at an Indonesian restaurant that serves one of those massive
rijsttafel
meals, and we stuff ourselves silly, and as we’re wobbling along on the bike, I get
an idea. It’s not quite the flower fields at Keukenhof, but maybe it’ll do. I get
us lost for about twenty minutes until I find the flower market I passed this morning.
The vendors are closing up their stalls and leaving behind a good number of throwaways.
Wren and I steal a bunch of them and lay them out on the crooked sidewalk above the
canal bank. She rolls around in them, happy as can be. I laugh as I snap some pictures
with her camera and with my phone and text them to my mom.

The vendors look at her with mild amusement, as if this type of thing happens at least
twice a week. Then a big bearded guy wearing suspenders over his butte of a belly
comes over with some wilting lavender. “She can have these too.”

“Here, Wren.” I throw the fragrant purple blooms her way.

“Thanks,” I say to the guy. Then I explain to him about Wren and her bucket list and
the big fields of tulips being out of season so we had to settle for this.

He looks at Wren, who’s attempting to extract the petals and leaves from her sweater.
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a card. “Tulips in August is not so easy.
But if you and your friend don’t mind to wake up early, I can maybe get you a small
field of them.”

_ _ _

The next morning, Wren and I set our alarm for four, and fifteen minutes later, go
downstairs to the deserted street to find Wolfgang waiting with his mini truck. Every
warning I’ve ever had from my parents about not getting into cars with strangers comes
to me, but I realize, as improbable as it is, Wolfgang isn’t a stranger. We all three
squeeze into the front seat as we trundle toward a greenhouse in Aalsmeer. Wren is
practically bouncing with excitement, which seems unnatural for four fifteen in the
morning, and she hasn’t even had any coffee yet, though Wolfgang has thoughtfully
brought a thermos of it along with some hard-boiled eggs and bread.

We spend the drive listening to cheesy europop and Wolfgang’s tales of spending thirty
years in the merchant marines before moving to the Jordaan neighborhood in Amsterdam.
“I’m German by birth, but I’ll be an Amsterdammer by death,” he says with a big toothy
grin.

By five o’clock, we pull up to Bioflor, which hardly looks like the pictures of Keukenhof
Gardens, with its carpets of color, but instead looks like some kind of industrial
farm. I look at Wren and shrug. Wolfgang pulls in and stops alongside a football-field-sized
greenhouse with a row of solar panels on top. A rosy-faced guy named Jos greets us.
And then he unlocks the door, and Wren and I gasp.

There are rows and rows of flowers in every color. Acres of them. We walk down the
tiny paths in between the beds, the air thick with humidity and manure until Wolfgang
points out a section of tulips in fuchsia, sunburst, and one explosive citrusy combo
that looks like a blood orange. I walk away, leaving Wren to her flowers.

She just stands there for a while. Then I hear her call out: “This is
incredible
. Can you
see
this?” Wolfgang looks at me but I don’t answer because I don’t think it’s us she’s
talking to.

Wren runs around this greenhouse, and another one full of fragrant freesia, and I
snap a bunch of pictures. And then Wolfgang has to get back. We belt Abba songs all
the way, Wolfgang saying Abba is Esperanto for happiness, and the United Nations should
play their songs at general assemblies.

It’s only when we get to a warehouse outside Amsterdam that I notice that the back
of Wolfgang’s truck is still empty. “Didn’t you buy flowers for your stall?”

He shakes his head. “Oh, I don’t buy flowers directly from the farms. I buy at auction
via wholesalers who deliver here.” He points to where people are loading up their
trucks with flowers.

“So you just went all the way out there for us?” I ask.

He gives me a little shrug, like, of course, why else? And at this point, I really
have no right to be surprised by people’s capacity for kindness and generosity, but
still, I am. I’m floored every time.

“Can we take you out to dinner tonight?” I ask.

He shakes his head. “Not tonight. I’m going to see a play in Vondelpark.” He looks
at us. “You should come. It’s in English.”

“Why would a play in Holland be in English?” Wren asks.

“That’s the difference between the Germans and the Dutch,” Wolfgang replies. “The
Germans translate Shakespeare. The Dutch leave him in English.”

“Shakespeare?”
I ask, feeling every hair on my body rise. “Which play?”

And before Wolfgang finishes telling me the title, I just start laughing. Because
it’s simply not possible. It’s less possible than finding that one needle in a needle
factory. Less possible than finding a lone star in the universe. It’s less possible
than finding that one person in all the billions who you might love.

Because tonight, playing in Vondelpark, is
As You Like It
. And I know with a certainty I cannot explain but that I would stake my life on,
that he will be in it.

Thirty-eight

A
nd so, after a year, I find him as I first found him: In a park, in the sultry dusk,
speaking the words of William Shakespeare.

Except tonight, after this year, everything is different. This is no Guerrilla Will.
This is a real production, with a stage, with seats, with lights, with a crowd. A
large crowd. Such that by the time we get there, we are shunted off to a low wall
on the edge of the small amphitheater.

And this year, he is no longer in a supporting role. This year, he is a star. He is
Orlando, as I knew he would be. He is the first actor to take the stage, and from
that moment on, he owns it. He is riveting. Not just to me. To everyone. A hush falls
over the crowd as soon as he delivers the first soliloquy and continues for the rest
of the performance. The sky darkens, and the moths and mosquitoes dance in the spotlights,
and Amsterdam’s Vondelpark is transformed into the Forest of Arden, a magical place
where that which was lost can be found.

As I watch him, it’s as though it is only us two. Just Willem and me. Everything else
disappears: The sound of bicycle bells and tram chimes disappears. The mosquitoes
buzzing around the fountain in the pond disappear. The group of rowdy guys sitting
next to us disappears. The other actors disappear. The last year disappears. All my
doubts disappear. The feeling of being on the right path fills every part of me. I
have found him. Here. As Orlando. Everything has led me to this.

His Orlando is different from the way we played it in class or from the way the actor
in Boston played it. His is sexy and vulnerable, the yearning for Rosalind so palpable
it becomes physical, a pheromone that wafts off him and drifts through the swirl of
floodlights, where it lands on my damp and welcoming skin. I feel my lust, my yearning
and, yes, my love, coming off me in pulses, swimming toward the stage, where I imagine
them being fed to him, like lines.

He can’t know I’m here. But as crazy as it sounds, I feel like he does. I sense he
feels me somewhere in the words he speaks, the same way I felt him when I first spoke
them in Professor Glenny’s class.

I remember so many of Rosalind’s lines, of Orlando’s too, that I can mouth them along
with the actors. It feels like a private call-and-response chorus between me and Willem.

The little strength that I have, I would it were with you.

Fare you well: pray heaven I be deceived in you!

Then love me, Rosalind.

And wilt thou have me?

Are you not good?

I hope so.

Now tell me how long you would have her after you have possessed her?

For ever and a day.

For ever and a day.

I hold Wren’s hand in one of my hands and Wolfgang’s with the other. We make a chain,
us three. Standing there like that until the play is over. Until everyone gets their
happy endings: Rosalind marries Orlando, and Celia marries Oliver, who reconciles
with Orlando, and Phoebe marries Silvius, and the bad duke is redeemed, and the exiled
duke is returned home.

After Rosalind gives her final soliloquy, it’s over, and people are going crazy, just
nuts, clapping and whistling, and I’m turning and throwing my arms around Wren and
then Wolfgang, pressing my cheek against the broadcloth of his cotton shirt, inhaling
the smoky tobacco scent mingled with flower nectar and dirt. And then someone is hugging
Wren and me, the rowdy guys from next to us. “That’s my best friend!” one of the guys
shouts. He’s got impish blue eyes, and he’s a head shorter than the others, more Hobbit
than Dutchman.

“Who?” Wren asks. She’s now being passed around in hugs by the rowdy, and it appears,
drunk, Dutch guys.

“Orlando!” the Hobbit answers.

“Oh,” Wren says, her eyes so wide and pale they gleam like pearls.
“Oh,”
she says to me.

“You wouldn’t be Robert-Jan, by any chance?” I ask.

The Hobbit looks surprised for a second. Then he just grins. “Broodje to my friends.”

“Broodje,” Wolfgang chuckles. He turns to me. “It’s a kind of sandwich.”

“Which Broodje loves to eat,” one of his friends says, patting his belly.

Broodje/Robert-Jan pushes the hand away. “You should come to our party tonight. It’s
going to be the party to end all parties. He was fantastic, was he not?”

Wren and I both nod. Broodje/Robert-Jan goes on about how great Willem was and then
his friend says something to him in Dutch, something, I think, about Willem.

“What did he say?” I whisper to Wolfgang.

“He said he hasn’t seen him, Orlando, I think, so happy, since, I didn’t hear it all,
something about his father.”

Wolfgang takes out a packet of tobacco from a leather pouch and begins to roll a cigarette.
Without looking at me, he says in his rumbly voice, “I think the actors come out over
there.” He points to the little metal gate on the far side of the stage.

He lights his cigarette. His eyes flash. He points to the gate again.

My body feels like it’s no longer solid matter. It is particle dust. It is pure electricity.
It dances me across the theater, toward the side of the stage. There is a crowd of
well-wishers awaiting the actors. People holding bouquets of flowers, bottles of champagne.
The actress who played Celia comes out to whoops and hugs. Next comes Adam, then Rosalind,
who gets a heap of bouquets. My heart starts to thunder. Could I have come this close
only to miss him?

But then I hear him. He is, as always, laughing; this time at something the guy who
played Jacques said. And then I see his hair, shorter than it was, his eyes, dark
and light all at once, his face, a small scar on his cheek, which only makes him more
strikingly handsome.

My breath catches in my throat. I’d thought I’d embellished him. But really, if anything,
the opposite is true. I’d forgotten how truly beautiful he is. How intrinsically Willem.

Willem
. His name forms in my throat.

“Willem!” His name rings out loud and clear.

But it’s not my voice that said it.

I touch my fingers to my throat to be sure.

“Willem!”

I hear the voice again. And then I see the blur of movement. A young woman races out
from the crowd. The flowers she is carrying drop to the ground as she hurls herself
into his arms. And he takes her in. He lifts her off the ground, holds her tight.
His arms clutch into her auburn hair, laughing at whatever it is she’s whispering
into his ear. They spin around, a tangle of happiness. Of love.

I stand there rooted, watching this very private public display. Finally, someone
comes up to Willem and taps him on the shoulder, and the woman slides to the ground.
She picks up the flowers—sunflowers, exactly what I would’ve chosen for him—and dusts
them off. Willem slides an easy arm around her and kisses her hand. She snakes her
arm around his waist. And I realize then that I wasn’t wrong about the love wafting
off him during the performance. I was just wrong about who it was for.

They walk off, so close I can feel the breeze as he passes by. We are so close, but
he’s looking at her, so he doesn’t see me at all. They go off, hand in hand, toward
a gazebo, away from the fray. I just stand there.

I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder. It’s Wolfgang. He looks at me, tilts his head
to the side. “Finished?” he asks.

I look back at Willem and the girl. Maybe this is the French girl. Or someone altogether
new. They are sitting facing each other, knees touching, talking, holding hands. It’s
like the rest of the world doesn’t exist. That’s how it felt when I was with him last
year. Maybe if an outsider saw us then, that’s exactly how we would’ve looked. But
now I’m the one who’s the outsider. I look at them again. Even from here, I can tell
she is someone special to him. Someone he loves.

I wait for the fist of devastation, the collapse of a year’s worth of hopes, the roar
of sadness. And I do feel it. The pain of losing him. Or the idea of him. But along
with that pain is something else, something quiet at first, so I have to strain for
it. But when I do, I hear the sound of a door quietly clicking shut. And then the
most amazing thing happens: The night is calm, but I feel a rush of wind, as if a
thousand other doors have just simultaneously flung open.

I give one last glance toward Willem. Then I turn to Wolfgang. “Finished,” I say.

But I suspect the opposite is true. That really, I’m just beginning.

Thirty-nine

I
wake up to bright blinking sunlight. I squint at the travel alarm. It’s almost noon.
In four hours, I’m leaving. Wren has decided to stay on a few more days. There’s a
bunch of weird museums she just found out about that she wants to see, one devoted
to medieval torture, another to handbags, and Winston has told her that he knows someone
who can teach her how to cobble shoes, which might keep her here another week. But
I have three days left, and I’ve decided to go to Croatia.

I won’t get there till tonight, and I’ll have to leave first thing Monday morning
to make my flight back home. So I’ll have just one full day there. But I now know
what can happen it just one day. Absolutely anything.

Wren thinks I’m making a mistake. She didn’t see Willem with the redhead, and she
keeps arguing that she could be anyone—his sister, for instance. I don’t tell her
that Willem, like me, like Wren herself now, is an only child. All last night, she
begged me to go to the party, to see how it played out. “I know where it is. Robert-Jan
told me. It’s on, oh, I can’t remember the street name, but he said it means ‘belt’
in Dutch. Number one eighty-nine.”

I’d held up my hand. “Stop! I don’t want to go.”

“But just imagine,” she’d said. “What if you’d never met Willem before, and Broodje
invited us to the party, and we went, and you two met there for the first time and
fell in love? Maybe that’s what happens.”

It’s a nice theory. And I can’t help but wonder if that
would’ve
happened. Would we fall in love if we met today? Had I really fallen in love with
him in the first place? Or was it just infatuation fueled by mystery?

But I’m also starting to wonder something else. If maybe the point of this crazy quest
I’m on wasn’t to help me find Willem. Maybe it was to help me find someone else entirely.

_ _ _

I’m getting dressed when Wren opens the door, clutching a paper bag. “Hi, sleepyhead.
I made you some breakfast. Or rather Winston did. He said it’s very Dutch.”

I take the bag. “Thanks.” I look Wren, who’s grinning like crazy. “Winston, huh?”

Now she’s blushing. “He just got off work and he’s going to take me for a bike ride
and introduce me to his cobbler friend as soon as you leave,” she says, her grin now
threatening to split her face. “And tomorrow he says I have to go to an Ajax football
game with him.” She pauses to consider. “It wasn’t on my list, but you never know.”

“No, you don’t. Well, I should go soon. Let you get to your, um, cobbling.”

“But your flight’s not for ages yet.”

“That’s okay. I want to leave enough time, and I hear the airport is amazing.”

I pack up the rest of my things and go downstairs with Wren. Winston points me toward
the train station.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you to the station or the airport?” Wren
asks.

I shake my head. I want to see Wren ride away on the pink bike as if I’ll see her
again tomorrow. She hugs me tight and then kisses me three times like the Dutch do.
“Tot ziens,”
she calls. “It means ‘see you later’ in Dutch, because we aren’t saying good-bye.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. And then Winston gets on his big black bike and Wren
gets on the little pink bike, and they pedal away.

I hoist my backpack up and make the short walk to the train station. There are trains
every fifteen minutes or so to Schiphol, and I buy a ticket and a cup of tea and go
sit under the clattering destination board to eat my breakfast. When I see what’s
inside, I have to laugh. Because Winston has made me a
hagelslag
sandwich. For all our talk, I never did get to try this particular delicacy.

I take a bite. The
hagelslag
crunches, then melts into the butter and still-warm bread. And what’s left over tastes
just like him.

All at once, I finally understand what it means for time to be fluid. Because suddenly
the entire last year flows before me, condensing and expanding, so that I’m here in
Amsterdam eating
hagelslag,
and at the same time, I’m in Paris, his hand on my hip, and at the same time, I’m
on that first train to London, watching the countryside whiz by, and at the same time,
I’m in the line for
Hamlet
. I see Willem. At the canal basin, catching my eye. On the train, his jeans still
unstained, me still unstained. On the train to Paris, his thousand shades of laughter.

The destination board shuffles, and I look up at it, and as I do, imagine a different
version of time. One in which
Willem
quits while he’s ahead. One in which he never makes that remark about my breakfast.
One in which he just says good-bye on that platform in London instead of inviting
me to Paris. Or one in which he never stops to talk to me in Stratford-upon-Avon.

And that’s when I understand that I
have
been stained. Whether I’m still in love with him, whether he was
ever
in love with me, and no matter who he’s in love with now, Willem changed my life.
He showed me how to get lost, and then I showed myself how to get found.

Maybe accident isn’t the right word after all. Maybe miracle is.

Or maybe it’s not a miracle. Maybe this is just life. When you open yourself up to
it. When you put yourself in the path of it. When you say yes.

How can I come this far and not tell him—he, who would understand it best—that by
giving me the that flyer, by inviting me to skip
Hamlet
, he helped me realize that it’s not
to
be that matters, but
how
to be?

How can I come this far and not be brave?

“Excuse me,” I say to a woman in a polka-dot dress and cowboy boots. “Is there a street
in Amsterdam named after a belt?”

“Ceintuurbaan,” she answers. “Tram line twenty-five. Right outside the station.”

I race out of the train station and jump onto the tram, asking the driver where to
get off for Ceintuurbaan number one eighty-nine. “Near Sarphatipark,” he replies.
“I’ll show you.”

Twenty minutes later, I get off at the park. Inside, there’s a small playground with
a large sandpit, and I go sit down under a tree to summon my bravery. A couple of
children are putting the finishing touches on an elaborate sand castle, several feet
high, with towers and turrets and moats.

I stand up and make my way to the building. I don’t even know for sure that he lives
here, except that the feeling of rightness, it has never been stronger. There are
three bells. I ring the bottom one. An intercom squawks with a woman’s voice.

“Hello,” I call. Before I say anything else, the door clicks open.

I walk inside the dark, musty hallway. A door swings open, and my heart skips a beat,
but it’s not him. It’s an older woman with a yappy dog at her heels.

“Willem?” I ask her. She points a thumb up and shuts her door.

I climb the steep stairs to the second floor. There are two other flats in the building,
so this could be his, or the one upstairs. So I just stand there on the doorstep for
a moment, listening for sounds inside. It is quiet, save for the faint strains of
music. But my heart is beating fast and strong, like a radar pinging:
Yes, yes, yes
.

My hand shakes a little bit as I knock, and at first the sound is faint, as if I’m
knocking on a hollowed-out log. But then I tighten my grip, and I knock again. I hear
his footsteps. I remember the scar on his foot. Was it on the right foot or the left?
The footsteps come closer. I feel my heart speed up, in double time to those footsteps.

And then the door swings open, and he’s there.

Willem.

His tall body casts a shadow over me, just like it did that first day, that only other
day, really, when we met. His eyes, those dark, dark eyes, hiding a spectrum of hidden
things, they widen, and his mouth drops. I hear his gasp of breath, the shock of it
all.

He just stands there, his body taking up the doorway, looking at me like I am a ghost,
which I suppose I am. But if he knows anything at all about Shakespeare, it’s that
the ghosts always come haunting.

I look at him as the questions and answers collide all over his face. There is so
much I want to tell him. Where do I even begin?

“Hi, Willem,” I say. “My name is Allyson.”

He says nothing in response. He just stays there for a minute, looking at me. And
then he steps to the side, opens the door wider, wide enough for me to walk through.

And so I do.