Just Destiny (22 page)

“That’s ridiculous. We’re just friends. Besides, he’s engaged.”

“Nooo.” She warmed to the idea. “I saw the way he watched you. And when I told him you’d been trying to get pregnant, he got a sick, funny look on his face.”

“That was confusion. He knew I’d lost the baby and was just surprised you didn’t.”

Judith shook her head. “No—it was more. He paled and tensed. And he went out of his way not to touch you, which means, of course, that he wants to. Nope, he’s attracted to you—it’s the only thing that makes sense.”

“Steve’s not attracted to me; he’s engaged. If anything, he treats me like a little sister.”

“Nope.” She leaned forward, suddenly serious. “I was wrong to insist he help you—not wrong, I didn’t know how he felt about you. You can’t trust him. Forget him, we’ll find someone else. After Christmas I’ll get on it. You’re still coming over for dinner aren’t you?”

Steve jealous? He was her friend. That’s all he could ever be.

Judith snapped her fingers in front of Jenny’s face. “Christmas eve? Dinner?”

Jenny hesitated. Christmas eve dinner with Gabe’s family would emphasize his not being there. If she just spent the holiday alone with her family, perhaps old memory cells would kick in to past, familiar Christmases before Gabe and it wouldn’t hurt so much.

Judith leaned forward. “Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot. Gabe’s remarrying after all these years took me by surprise, and I know I didn’t react very gracefully—”

“You accused me of teaching Alex the different sex positions,” Jenny said flatly.

A bright red rash climbed Judith’s neck. “I was upset.”

Jenny raised her eyebrows.

“
Very
upset.” Judith waved a hand. “Okay, I’m sorry. I was out of line. But we’ve both come a long way. We’re family. Come over.”

Jenny frowned and bit her lip, considering. “I think I’d better pass, but thank y—.”

“We’re all going to be sad. Gabe’s only been gone a few months; it’s okay to mourn. But you’re stronger than you know.”

“Me?” Jenny pointed at her chest and raised her eyebrows. “I’m a coward.”

“You used to be, but you’ve changed. You single-handedly organized Gabe’s funeral. You wrote an amazing tribute for his obituary and a beautiful eulogy. I couldn’t have done that.” Judith raised her eyebrows for emphasis. “No way could I have spoken in front of all those people, sharing private memories of my husband.” She shook her head. “That took real courage. If you can do that, you can eat dinner with us on Christmas.”

She
could
do it, but did she want to? Holidays were time for celebrating with loved ones. Gabe would want her to appreciate the love he’d brought into her life through his family. Besides, she couldn’t wait for Alex and Ted to open their presents. “Can I bring an appetizer? And maybe some champagne?”

“Absolutely. Gabe always appreciated a toast with some bubbly.” Judith stood and gathered her coat. “Five o’clock. And don’t worry, Dave and I will find you a lawyer. Stay away from the jock.”

* * *

Steve watched Judith’s Ford Focus pull out of the drive. He washed a hand down his face and sighed. When had his life gotten so damn complicated? When Jenny and Gabe moved next door. He’d been messing up ever since.

First he fell in love with his friend’s wife, then he found Annie and got his life back on track, only to have it messed up again when Gabe up and died on him. Suddenly he was falling asleep with Jenny in his arms, and now she wanted him to be her lawyer, and he couldn’t. A good friend would help her. But right now, he wasn’t even sure he was capable of being a good friend to Jenny. He was trying, but damn it was hard.

When Jenny came home from Saugatuck alone and they’d spent that night together on the couch, he’d been consumed with guilt—as if he’d betrayed his friend and his fiancée. But thankfully, Jenny couldn’t possibly know that a good bit of his grief was fueled by remorse. She’d bravely forged ahead, with the little support he managed to give her. And God forgive him, he’d admired her that much more.

He hadn’t wanted to love Jenny. Lord knows he tried hard to unlove her. Loving Jenny was fruitless and painful—so incredibly painful. Until Jenny Harrison moved in next door, the precipitous ending of his baseball career had been the most difficult adjustment in his life—but having to hide his feelings and still be her friend and confidant was hell on earth.

The greatest blow had struck months before Gabe’s death when she’d come over asking for help. They often traded favors, bring in the mail, take out the garbage cans, watching the dog; but this was different, brutally different…

“I want a baby,” Jenny blurted out.

Steve leaned back against his cold granite countertop and crossed his legs at his ankles. He carefully schooled his expression to something neutral and bit his lip to keep from grinning. “Ahhh…isn’t that something your husband should help you with?”

“Funny, Grant.” She scowled at him before her expression turned pleading. “How do I tell Gabe? Before we married I told him I didn’t want children. Besides, I don’t think he wants any more.”

Steve suspected she was right. His buddy was pretty happy with life the way it was. But Gabe adored Jenny and if a baby was that important to her, he’d probably be willing to start all over again. “Talk to him. Tell him how important it is to you.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because—” She bit her lip and looked away. “He thinks I’m a good person, and—oh, forget it. You wouldn’t understand.” Jenny turned away and rushed toward the door.

Steve didn’t want to get involved in their personal lives, but she was upset. Jenny didn’t know that her problem with her husband was scoring his heart like dozens of painful paper cuts. Steve forced air into his lungs to push aside his pain and caught Jenny at the door. He wrapped a brotherly arm around her shoulders and redirected her toward the couch in the family room.

“What wouldn’t I understand?”

She studied him carefully, frowning as she sized him up. “When I was fourteen, I got pregnant. Michael’s my adopted brother—and my son.”

“Oh.” Brilliant response, he derided silently, but he seemed incapable of anything more coherent. “And Gabe doesn’t know?”

“Of course not. And you can’t tell him.” Her eyes widened in alarm. She looked at him, pleading. “I was just a kid. It was a mistake. I mean, it wasn’t a mistake, because Michael’s a great kid, but the pregnancy was a mistake. Gabe wouldn’t understand.”

“I’m sure he didn’t think you were a virgin when you married.”

Fear streaked across her face. “Did he say that?”

“Of course not.” He sighed and sank down on the couch next to her.

“Good.” She blew out a deep breath. “Turning Michael over to my mother in the hospital was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But it was best for both of us. I tried to keep perspective and not love him, ya know? But I couldn’t. He was a part of me—and so stinkin’ sweet. It wasn’t his fault I was an idiot and got pregnant.”

He did know. He knew exactly how hard it was to love someone he shouldn’t.

“The only way I could deal with it was to convince myself that Michael really was my adopted brother. I never ever let myself think of him any other way. But I can’t help remembering what it was like to be pregnant.” She stared off at some distant point. A smile softened her lips and a hopeful glow lit her eyes. “It’d be so much better with Gabe. I can care for a baby now. I have a husband. We could be a family. I could be a real mom this time.” Turning to him, her joy melted into a frown. “But how can I convince Gabe without telling him about Michael?”

He was proud of Jenny’s amazing, selfless love for her child. Why couldn’t she share this with Gabe? He should know something this intimate and profound about his wife. Steve looked sideways at her and held her gaze. “You can’t. Tell him the truth. He’ll understand.”

“That I’ve been promiscuous and lived a lie for the past thirteen years?” She pursed her lips and shook her head. “I maybe could have told him before we got married, but now it’s too late. He has no patience for immoral teenagers. He came home from the clinic one night really angry about this sixteen-year-old patient who aborted her baby because she was sick with gonorrhea. It was her third pregnancy by three different guys. Gabe was so angry at her—on the dead baby’s behalf. He reported her to social services and wished it was legal to sterilize girls like her.” She paused. “He would
not
understand.”

“Your situation’s a little different, Jen. Tell him. He’ll understand. He loves you.”

Indecision, frustration, and fear flashed across her face. She dropped her head as if shamed. “He won’t understand. He’ll think I tricked him. He’ll be angry and feel betrayed.”

“Betrayed? Isn’t that a little strong?”

“He’d hate me for not telling him sooner.”

“Gabe could never hate you. Tell him.”

“I can’t. He’ll be disappointed beyond belief. I can’t take that chance. Besides, it doesn’t just involve me, it involves my whole family.” She looked at him, pleading for understanding.

“You told me.”

“Only so you’d understand why this is so important. I thought you’d be able to help me find a way to convince Gabe to have a baby.”

Steve froze. His sympathy evaporated in that wounding instant. Jenny told him so he’d help her, not because she’d been compelled to share something that personal. His gut burned with jealous angst. He wanted to tell her that if Gabe didn’t want to have a baby with her, she should leave him, and Steve would do his damndest to get her pregnant—and love every minute of it.

You can’t give her a child, his conscience reminded.

For her I’d find a way; he rebutted the annoying, persistent voice.

But she didn’t want his child, she wanted her husband’s. She loved Gabe, not him. Maybe marriage to Annie and her children was what it would take to loosen Jenny’s grip on his heart. Maybe then he could stop hating himself and be happy again.

Or not. A dog barked loudly in the stillness of the night. Steve shifted in his chair. Now his best friend was dead and he hated himself even more. With Gabe gone everything was different between him and Jenny. Steve didn’t know how to act around her anymore, so he sat back and continued the older brother/best friend role and redoubled his effort to transfer his affections to Annie. Between him and Jenny nothing had changed, yet everything had changed.

And his relationship with Annie wasn’t going as planned either. He wasn’t being a good friend to Jenny nor did it seem he was succeeding at being a good fiancé. Both women deserved better. He’d always prided himself on being an honest, upfront guy, yet the uncomfortable aching in his stomach told him he wasn’t being honest with either woman—or himself. Shit.

Jenny read the
Oprah
magazine from cover to cover, hoping for inspiration. She tossed the magazine to the side of the bathmat and rose from the bubble bath. Facing the mirror, she examined her small breasts and flat tummy, then arched her back, thrust her hips forward and pushed her stomach out. She smiled and caressed her belly. Pretty soon she’d have real boobs and their baby would swell her stomach in a perfectly round ball.

She sighed and snagged a fluffy towel from the hook. First things first. She had to win her court case and before that, she needed to retain an attorney and survive Christmas. One day at a time—like a step program for addicts. Baby steps. She smiled. How apropos.

Her first big step on the way to recovery was going to Steve’s Christmas party tonight. She’d push all thoughts of babies to the background, be supportive of her friend, and prove she could be okay in public again.

She’d smile and be confident and charming and send all kinds of good vibes out into the cosmos. Maybe it’d come back to her or maybe it’d just make her feel good to focus on something other than her loss. Either way she won, and that was progress.

Jenny dried herself and threw on Gabe’s maroon robe as she padded to her closet. She searched the racks, pulling out a midnight blue velvet strapless dress—too sexy. She wasn’t dressing up for her husband. Her hand lit on an elegant gray suit she’d worn to her first interview—too staid. She reached for her favorite black leather pants. Too casual? Then Jenny found a simple scarlet dress. Red stood for power or romance and the classic lines hinted at curves and hugged her breasts before plunging sensually in the front—in this case, it shouted romantic feminine power. Hmm.

Exasperated, Jenny grabbed the clothes and marched out of her closet. She threw them across her bed, fanning them out in a colorful array. Crossing her arm over her chest, she picked up the phone. Steve would know what would be most appropriate.

“Come
on
, Jenny.” Her thumb stabbed the ‘off’ button. “You’re not some pitiful woman who needs someone to pick out her clothes.” She sank onto the bed and stared at her choices. “It’s Christmas and you’re going to a party. What do
you
feel like wearing?”

* * *

Steve pulled into Jenny’s driveway at six forty-five. As he pushed the gear into park, Jenny rushed out the front door. She trotted through the cold night and met him as he rounded the car. He stretched around her to open the car door just as Jenny reached out. Their hands bumped and she pulled hers back.

Flashing him a quick smile and a murmured “Thanks,” she slipped past him, gracefully swinging into the mustang. The light, sweet scent of her perfume tickled his nose and toyed with his mind. Sexy. Fresh. Steve shook his head to clear his senses. Hustling around the car, he got in his side and turned up the heat.