Joe Vampire (34 page)

BOOK: Joe Vampire

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•
Bo
– My personal handyman still comes around, and I can honestly say that my humble home has never been more put together or Extremely Made-Over. I’m now wired for sound like a cinema, multi-media’ed to the max, and swimming wall-to-wall in handcrafted furniture the likes of which I never knew human hands could create. I try to keep him well-beer’ed while he works and listen intently as he explains his process. To hold up my end of the conversation, I’ll throw out new words every once in a while to expand his vocabulary, something he’s asked me to help him with. He won’t let me pay him for anything – not even materials – so I’m all too happy to offer him this in exchange for everything he’s done for me. It seems to be more give than take for him, but I think that’s how he prefers it. I think it’s really all about the friendship for him, anyway. For me, too, actually.

•
Chloe
– How do you explain what it feels like when your love dream comes true at the tail end of your life being turned upside down and thrown against a wall sideways? I won’t lie to you: it’s not all coffee talk and copy machine flirtation. We’re both a lot more complex than that… one of us way more than the other, for obvious reasons. Of course, we’re still working through the ins and outs of being friends while riding a bullet train toward couplehood and trying not to skip over any of the sweet stuff on our way to the Soup Stage. Neither of us wants to make assumptions or hold unrealistic expectations about how difficult things are likely to be. But isn’t that what every couple goes through when they’re coming together in the beginning, figuring out how to be themselves while being with each other? In that respect, we’re no different from anyone else with a meet-cute story, aside from the littering of corkscrew plot twists and supernatural complications that go along with my vampire status. But she is just as awesome as I had imagined she would be all along, and there’s nobody I’d rather be figuring it out with than her. She understands what we’re up against, and she’s willing to fit my altered reality into her perfect normalcy. Aretha and Dionne were never willing to compromise like that, and I wasn’t even a vampire when they were in the picture. So I can safely say that, no matter where Chloe and I end up, I will never need an insulting Motown name for her, because she is nothing less than Supreme. That’s a groaner, I know. Doesn’t mean I’ve lost my edge.

And lest I forget the bringer of my almost-demise:

•
Lazer
– Dude can go fuck himself, for all I care.

As for me, with all the other space my ramblings have taken up on this site, I don’t need another bullet point to summarize my situation. I can do it in a single sentence: In trying to pull back the curtain on what it’s like to be a real-live vampire, I’ve figured out how to be a real-live human being again. I didn’t do it alone, and I would never make that claim. Credit given where it’s due, to all who picked me up when I had fallen low and carried me along when my feet failed me.

You are the wind beneath my pointed ears, and I am forever grateful to have you in my corner.

And with that, I’m pretty sure I’ve said everything I need to say. It’s time for me to start living again, regardless of how half-dead I may be. So I’m shutting down the blog to focus on re-starting my life instead – out from under the metaphoric coffee table, out of the proverbial coffin. Unto the world reborn. Hallelujah. Amen.

Word, yo.

I thought about leaving the already-published posts up and just not adding anything new, on the off chance that someone down the line would still want to know how it really is. Maybe this would even be a resource to someone who ends up in the same set of circumstances as I did. But I’m not stupid; I know there are other psychopaths out there like Lucas and his dipshit friends, scouring the world for imaginary scourges to drive their stakes through and rip the fangs out of in the quest for good, old-fashioned Homogeneity. And as I learned in all too vivid a manner, I am terrible at telling the shit from the shinola. This forum might make for great therapy, but it’s just not worth the risk anymore – not for me. Not for the ones I love.

Not for the ones who love me in return.

And if I’ve gathered anything philosophical from this whole vampire experience, some gem of wisdom that would summarize the underlying truth of how this all went down, I think it would be something as simple as this: Shit is always going to come along to ruin your best-laid plans. You can make it into as many metaphors as you can think of – a whole blog’s worth, possibly, as I’ve pretty clearly proven along the way – but even if you never figure out a fancy way of saying it, it is
yours
. And it doesn’t make a lick of difference how you got it. Cover it up with hoodies all you want, block it out with Ray Bans or grind it down to a nub with a mini-Dremel and hope that it goes away, but it won’t; it will be there no matter what. Hell, you might even be the only one who notices most of it, anyway. Doesn’t matter; it’s still there. It’ll still leap out and sucker punch you in the back of the head whenever it wants – probably at the most inopportune of moments, too. And not just once, but over and over again. But if you call it by its name as soon as it walks in the room, look it in the eye and shake its hand, maybe you’ll have a better chance of seeing it come at you when it finally decides to beat you into submission.

With any luck, you can talk it down to just a severe bruising instead.

To everyone who has followed along and has listened to my story unfold, I offer my sincerest thanks and deepest appreciation. It’s been a wild ride.

To anyone who hacked me and used what you found here to make my life hellish – or sold me down the river to those who did – I offer my middle finger.

Make that
both
middle fingers.

And to everyone wondering who the man-pire behind these words might really be, I have no problem telling you now. In a minute, when I sign off for the last time and shut down this blog forever, it won't make a difference, anyway. Maybe it never did; maybe I’ve been making too much of everything this whole time.

That would be so like me.

So, then, for the sake of completion – and for the sake of finally owning my truth – allow me to put the issue to rest once and for all: my name is Joseph Aaron Asher.

I am Joe Vampire
.

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