JAX (Breaking the Declan Brothers #1) (14 page)

“I’m tired, Jax.” She turns back to the window.

I grip the steering wheel and try to concentrate on the road. My left eye twitches and my palms sweat. Fuck it. “Okay, Em,” I stare start ahead. “You want me to take you back to Rayna’s then?”

“Yeah,” she softly says.

Fuck! What the fuck is going on here? We had a nice time at dinner, played and laughed. I held her hand. I did everything right. Maybe she’s thinking about what’s going to happen when the summer’s over. God knows that I have. I don’t want her to go, but never in million years would I let her know. I can’t make her stay. She’s going to have to decide that shit all on her own. All I can do is express my feelings to her. And as hard as it’s been in the past for me to do that, I got no problem revealing them to Em.

It ain’t like I got much to offer her, though. Hell, I live in a damn apartment behind a fucking bar with my two irresponsible younger brothers. Yeah, that’s gotta be real appealing to any woman, right? Em deserves more than that. I know it. But if she did stay, fuck, I’d give her whatever she wants. Whatever her little heart desires, I’d provide it. Fact is I’m crazy about her.

I pull up to Rayna’s and put the truck in park. My chest hurts. My heart’s pounding so hard, it feels like she’s trying to slip out of it, but it’s doin’ its damnedest to keep her from going anywhere. Fuck, I wish I could do the same, but I refuse to pressure her into this relationship.

“Thanks for dinner,” I say turning in her direction, leaning my body toward hers.

A faint smile touches her pretty lips. “You’re welcome.” She twists around and reaches for the door. “I’ll call you.”

“Em,” I try to stop her with my voice, although my hands want to reach out, pull her into my arms, and never let go. She looks back at me with an unreadable, flat expression.  “You okay, princess?”

“Yeah,” she touches her belly. “I think maybe something I ate isn’t sitting right with me.”

“You need me to get you anything. I can run to the drugstore—”

“No.” She gently touches my shoulder. “I’m sure it’ll pass.” She leans in and kisses me on the cheek. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

I gaze into her eyes and that pain in my chest intensifies. “Yeah. Okay.” I sit back. “Good night, Em.”

“Night, Jax,” she says, climbs out of the truck and closes the door.

I enter the house close the door and lean back against it. My body trembles from my betrayal. How could I think that Jax could ever do that to someone? Rape? Granted, he got a little rough the first night we were together, but the instant I asked, he stopped and pulled right back. 

“Emmie.” Lurlene comes walking out from the kitchen. “Where’s your sidekick?” She stops, her eyes running up and down me. “Oh, honey.” She walks right over. “Honey, what’s wrong?” She wraps her arms around me, and shit if I don’t start to cry.

“What happened?” I hear Rayna’s concerned voice.

“I don’t know,” Lurlene says from over my shoulder.

I lift my head, wipe my tears, and try to calm down.

“Sit.” Rayna points to the sofa, and I do as she suggests. “Relax, take some deep breaths,” she says, coming to sit beside me. “That’s it, calm down.” She runs a hand down my hair. “You okay?” I nod my head. “You want to talk about it?”

Lurlene joins us on the couch. “It’s okay if you don’t, Emmie, but it might make you feel better to get it out.”

I laugh, sniffling back another tear. “I love you guys.”

“Did something happen with Jax,” Rayna asks, there’s no beating around the bush with her.

“Yeah,” I wipe the remaining tears from my eyes. “We went out to dinner, had a great time, and just before we left, I went to the bathroom. The hostess there, she seemed nice but then she said something about Jax that I just can’t believe.”

Lurlene’s brows gather. “What?”

“She,” I stammer, voice breaking up, “she told me,” oh God, I don’t know if I can even say it aloud but with both of them staring at me, waiting for an answer, I have no choice. “She said that Jax tried to rape her in high school.”

“What the fuck.” Rayna’s green eyes go all wild as she shoots up from the sofa. “Why the hell would someone say something like that?” Her mouth drops wide open. “Wait a damn second. I remember hearing something about this,” she waves a finger at me. “Yeah, I can’t remember her name—”

“Sonia,” I say.

“Yes,” Rayna snaps her fingers. “That’s it. Her and Jax dated for almost a year, and rumor had it that when they broke up, she started saying shit about him, shit like that.” Her shoulders drop, and face relaxes. “Now come on, Emmie, we’re talking about Jax here. It’s not true, girl, and you know it. It was high school crap. She’s just a girl who got her heart broken.”

“I didn’t even know he dated anyone in high school,” I say, hoping what Rayna’s saying is true.

“I think it was his sophomore year. I heard about it hanging around Slate, but I didn’t repeat it ‘cause I never believed it. And neither should you.”

“I just don’t understand why she would say that to me. She doesn’t know me, it’s been years, so why?”

“You don’t believe it’s true, do you?” Lurlene touches my knee. I turn to her, and my face must be giving away my momentary uncertainty. Her eyes soften. “Oh, honey, if you’re not sure, just go talk to him about it. I know you care about him, don’t let this mess that up for you.”

I take a deep breath. She’s right. I should just go over there and lay it all out on the table. Tell him the truth about our first night together and clear up this shit, too.

“You’re right,” I say what’s in my head. I stand up. “I’m going to talk to him.”

“Atta girl,” Rayna smiles, “I’ll get the golf cart keys.”

“No, I’m gonna walk. I need to clear my head a bit.”

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

After changing into a pair of jeans, a cami, and some sneakers, I head out the door. It’s dark, and the air is so warm. It takes me about fifteen minutes to get to Jax’s place. Even with fear wrapped tightly around it, my heart hasn’t let up. It’s pumping hard. I lift a rickety hand to knock on the door.  My mind mingles with hope and fear. I’m not sure what I’m going to say. I rehearsed a few things, but I know the second I see him, I’ll probably choke up.

The door swings open and Jax’s dark eyes meet mine.  “Em?” His eyes race over me. “Is everything okay,” he says as though he sees right through to my apprehension.

“We need to talk,” I say, and then hold my breath.

He stares at me as if he’s trying to read my mind and figure out what’s going on in there. “Come in,” he finally says, stepping back.

I enter. It’s dark and quiet, and it smells of him.

“Zeke’s here, in his room. You want to go in my bedroom or sit out here in the kitchen?”

“Your room.” I don’t want anyone to overhear our conversation. I’m embarrassed with myself for even asking Jax about this, but I need to know the truth. I have to hear it from his mouth. I also need the reassuring confines of where we make love in his bedroom. At least, as of late that’s what it feels like— love. So, whatever happens in the next few moments inside those four walls could damage me something bad or take me to complete surrender to what I feel for Jax Declan.

He reaches for my hand. I love when he holds my hand. I’m bound to him flesh, heart, and soul. He guides me to his room. He follows me in and quietly closes the door behind us. He pulls me to him. His head bends and his gentle lips nuzzle against my neck. I hear him inhale as he brushes past my cheek to meet my mouth for a soft kiss. His hand slides to my nape as he wrenches back, eyes bearing a hint of uneasiness. “Tell me what’s on your mind, princess.”

I withdraw from his comforting embrace, and he lets me go. His palm slithers from my neck as he allows me my space.

“Shit.” I pace the room for a few seconds, stop, and look at him. “I don’t know how to say this,” I smooth my lips together, but he’s just standing there, waiting, “or how to ask this. Or,” I waver. “God, I don’t know.”

“It’s okay, Em. Don’t worry, you can ask me anything, say anything. Baby, I’m yours, whatever you need. Just take a deep breath, and when you’re ready, say it.”

Dammit. How can I question that, how can I doubt him? He couldn’t have done what that woman said. I’ll just tell him about it, and we’ll probably have a good laugh over the whole thing.

“Well, tonight, when we were at that restaurant, I think I ran into one of your exes.”

My relief is short-lived. Jax’s entire face turns white. He pushes his hands through his hair, walks over to the bed, and sits down. “What did she say to you,” he asks, head bowed, eyes focused on the floor.

“She said that,” I swallow the knot lodged in my throat. I can’t get the words out.

His dark eyes lift and bear down upon me. “Em?”

Screw it. I just need to say it. “She said that you tried to rape her but I…I—”

“Stop.” He glares up at me. His chest rising and falling as though any second his heart is going to burst out from it.

“Jax, I—”

His hand comes up. “Just let me explain, before you say another word.” He stares at me, not backing down from my vigilant watch. “I was nearly seventeen. We’d been dating for months. It was the night of some school dance. She told me that she wanted to, ya know. Go all the way. I was a virgin and after months of her teasing me, and of me getting so close, my punk ass was gonna get what he wanted. We were in my Gram’s car, shit started to get going and,” he clasps his hands together, wringing them until his knuckles whiten, “she told me to stop.”

“And you did, right? I knew it had to be something—”

“Em,” he cuts me off with his sharp tone. “She had to tell me stop more than once.” A muscle flicks angrily at his jaw. “I was so caught up in the moment, a kid with a hard-on who didn’t know how to control himself. I almost didn’t stop. I pulled her pants off while she was hitting me, yelling for me to stop. It came real close,” he sighs, hands shaking, “I remember I looked up and that’s when I saw her fear. It wasn’t until then that I realized what the fuck I was doing. I scared her. Hell, I scared myself. She broke up with me, as she should have. She told people what I did to her, and I just let everyone believe what they wanted.”

Those secure white walls around me start to crumble and cave in, suffocating my resolve. Sorting through my own feelings, Jax’s don’t go unnoticed. He’s remorseful. The incident scared him. It’s all over his beautiful face, evident in his trembling hands.

He rubs the back of his neck. “I didn’t try to have sex again for a long time after that. I eventually met this woman. She was a lot older than me. She was into all that kinky shit. She liked sex the way I do,” he clears his throat, eyes back on the floor. “She taught me how to control myself. And after her, I continued to date older woman. They tend to be discreet, especially when they’re fucking around with a younger guy. And that’s why you never saw me with anyone.”

“Jax.” I take a step toward him but the way every muscle in his body tenses make my steps falter. “I know you didn’t mean to hurt or scare that girl.”

“You don’t get it,” he says with a faint contemptuous smile. “I like it rough,” his dark eyes snap to me. “It fucking turns me on, but some people don’t want it that way, and it was wrong of me to push Sonia like that regardless of what or who I am, just like it was wrong of me to do that to you.” His face crumples as he stands up from the bed. His hands fist, shoulders lift and eyes darken. He’s struggling, fighting a fight against himself. “I’m sorry, baby.”

It’s killing me to see him like this. “Oh no, Jax, you didn’t hurt me.” My foot slides forward, bringing me closer. “You didn’t scare me.”

“Fuck that,” he says, glaring down at me. “I’m no better than that fuck-face you went to the prom with.”

“Don’t say that, you stopped yourself. Garret had no intentions of stopping. He would have raped me if Slate hadn’t stepped in. Garret was a, he was a monster.”

“And what the hell do you think I am?” he seethes, eyes wild, and nostrils flaring. “I sure ain’t no fucking prince charming, princess. I tried to warn you about guys like me. Fuck, Em. I don’t know what I was thinking. I actually thought I had a chance with you, that we could be together. But baby, I am the monster I tried to warn you about, the things I want to do to you. Hell,” a devious chuckle rumbles from him, “you don’t know how much it turns me on when I spank you.”