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Authors: Rodney Dangerfield

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It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs (22 page)

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Here I am with Jim Carrey, Bob Saget, and some of my other favorite young comics. Who the fuck knows where we were?

Courtesy of the collection of Rodney Dangerfield.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “that’s not enough.”

I said, “Okay, I’ll stay two hours.”

I was in Fort Lauderdale, driving along by myself. I came to a red light, and at the intersection was a convertible with two young couples. To my left, about three feet away from me, was a very attractive girl. She looked at me in a sexy way and said, “I wanna suck your cock.”

I could see what her game was—she wanted to see if she could shock the “old man.”

So I said, “You’re gonna have to pay me.” As I drove away, I could hear them laughing and yelling, “Rodney!”

Putting a good joke together is a delicate thing. The emphasis on the right word is very important. So is the rhythm, the timing.

And of course, the joke has to be funny.

People don’t know the preparation you do in show business. I still do
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
, and I try to do all new jokes each time.

Counting my stand-up routine and my “conversation” on the couch with Jay, I need about 30 new jokes. That
means I have to write a hundred new jokes. Then, to know which jokes get the best laughs, I go to a local comedy club the Laugh Factory and try them out.

After I have about 30 new jokes I like, I have to put them in some kind of order—create some flow, some continuity. I call that stringing them together into my joke necklace—they have to be in the right order to work. I have to string together about 10 jokes for my stand-up bit and another 20 for my “chat” with Jay afterward. It takes hours and hours of work at home and many nights onstage to get a
Tonight Show
routine the way I want it.

This girl was ugly. They used her in prisons to cure sex offenders
.

L
iving as long as I have, you can’t help but look back on life and wonder what does it all mean. Sometimes, I don’t ever think I’ve made it. Even today, if I check into a hotel and a bellman picks up my suitcase,
I feel awkward. I feel like I should be taking the bags
. I guess I feel like I’m one of the masses. Maybe people know that.

I’ve been broke most of my life. For years I was picking
up the phone and acting surprised. “The check came back? Oh!”

Celebrating my eightieth birthday, on
The Tonight Show.
Jay and Jim totally surprised me
.

Courtesy of the collection of Rodney Dangerfield.

Here’s me and Joan between operations.

Courtesy of the collection of Rodney Dangerfield.

Every day now when I get up in the morning, I read the obituaries.

The obituaries have been very entertaining. Often you will read about the lives of some fascinating people.

I read about Suzanne Bloch, a musician and teacher. She was a class act, respected by all. Suzanne often played chamber music with noted scientists, including Albert Einstein.

Einstein turned out to be very difficult to work with. Suzanne would give the downbeat, but Einstein always came in late. Each time they had to go back to the beginning. Finally in exasperation, she turned on him and said, “Mr. Einstein, can’t you count?”

But I can count and I know my days are numbered. I can picture my own funeral, the things that would be said:

We are here today to bid farewell to Rodney Dangerfield.

A good husband, a good father, and a very good tipper.

A man who cared about the homeless. He was always looking for a girl who needs a room.

A man who always loved his neighbor—if she was easy.

Farewell, Rodney. We know you’ll be in good hands—your own.

I tell ya one thing, though, I’m not about to die anytime soon. There are too many people out there who owe me money.

I can accept getting older. I can even accept getting old, but dying? Man, that’s a tough one to accept. As my friend Joe Ancis used to say, “Who made this contract?”

Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.

You were seventeen yesterday. You’ll be fifty tomorrow. Life is tough, are you kiddin’? What do you think life is? Moonlight and canoes? That’s not life. That’s in the movies.

Life is fear and tension and worry and disappointments.

Life. I’ll tell ya what life is.
Life is having a mother-in-law who sucks and a wife who don’t
. That’s what life is.

My grandson, Joshua, has a great sense of humor. I just told him a joke. Look how he broke up
.

Courtesy of the collection of Rodney Dangerfield.

Acknowledgments

W
ho should I thank first? I think it should be the guy who wrote the foreword to this book, Jim Carrey. Thank you, Jim, and thanks for being a real friend.

I also want to thank Chris Calhoun and the folks at Sterling Lord for their support and Bob Roe and Mic Kleber for their assistance.

This book also benefited from the talents and professionalism of the people at HarperCollins, especially my editor, David Hirshey.

Here’s thanks to my bookie for being so patient.

I also want to take this opportunity to thank the following people for their friendship and kindnesses over the years:

David Permut, Harry Basil, Bob Saget, Billy Tragesser, Adam Sandler, Dr. Neal ElAttrache, Louie Anderson, Oliver Stone, Harland Williams, Dr. Neil Martin, Johnny Carson, Chris Albrecht, Paul Rodriguez, Jerry Stiller, Lenny Clarke, Anne Meara, Tim Allen, Anthony Bevacqua, Chris Albrecht, Joseph Merhi, Dr. Bruce Edwards, Marty Belafsky, Dom Irerra, Charlie Burke, Smokey Child, Tony Bennett, Merv Griffin, Warren Cowan, Richard Sturm, Dr. Grace Sun, Kevin Sasaki, Larry Shire, Dennis Arfa, Harold Ramis, Dr. Jamie Moriguchi, Robert Davi, Michael Bolton, and Jay Leno.

I want to thank the Chinese restaurant that delivers late.

And a big thanks to my wife, Joan; my son, Brian; my daughter, Melanie; her husband, David; and my grandson, Joshua.

Some images not available for electronic edition.

IT’S NOT EASY BEIN’ ME
: Copyright © 2004 by Rodney Dangerfield. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

Adobe Digital Edition June 2009 ISBN 978-0-06-195764-2

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