It's a Waverly Life (6 page)

A week or so later, I was working on my column when the phone rang. It was Scott Ryan, a reporter from
The Today Show
who had long ago transitioned from media contact to dear friend.

“Scotty! How are you? It’s been ages!”

“I’m good, my love, hanging in there. The winters here are even worse than I’d feared.”

“Super cold?”

“You have no idea. I thought Dallas was cold. New York takes
cold
to a whole new dimension.”

“How’s Tad?”

“He’s great, even bought me a down sleeping bag in the shape of a coat as an early Christmas present. He doesn’t want me to freeze to death after I up and moved here just to be with him. He said he’d feel guilty.”

I laughed and picked up my coffee mug. “I’m sure he’d feel more than
guilty
.”

“He’d better, he’d better. So listen, my love, I don’t have much time to chat, but I wanted to ask if you’d be up for putting your pretty face on the show. We could really use you.”

I put the mug down. “The show?”

“Yes, my dear, the show.”

“
The Today Show
?”

“The one and only.”

“But why?”

“We’re doing a Valentine’s Day feature on relationships, and they want to have an expert or two on hand. Given that you’re an advice columnist now
and
have a successful line of greeting cards for women, I suggested you, and they agreed.”

“For real?”

“Of course. I think you’d be great, plus it would be great exposure for your new gig at the
Sun
, not to mention your Honey Notes.”

“But Scotty, I don’t
really
know anything about relationships.”

He laughed. “Come on now, Waverly, give yourself some credit. You were in
People
magazine just a few months ago. To a lot of people, that makes you a minor celebrity, regardless of your credentials.”

“What would I have to do? What would they ask me?”

“It would be easy. Seriously, a piece of cake. You’d have to give a few words of wisdom, maybe tell a disastrous dating story or two, and snap, you’re done.”

“That would be it?”

“That would be it. Plus you’d get a free trip to New York. How can you pass up a chance to come visit
me
?”

I laughed. “You make it sound so easy.”

“It will be, I promise. Now say yes so I can get back to work.”

Why not?

“Okay. Let’s do it!”

“Beautiful. I’ll be in touch with the details after the holidays. I look forward to seeing your lovely face in February.”

“Bye, Scotty.” I hung up the phone.

I was already nervous, but kind of excited too.

For a moment I thought about calling Jake to tell him, but instead I dialed McKenna’s number.

That Saturday, for a change of scenery and some relaxing girl time, McKenna, Andie, and I drove fifteen minutes north of San Francisco to have lunch in the quaint town of Mill Valley. It was a crisp, clear day with very little wind, and the water beneath the Golden Gate Bridge was unusually placid. After a yummy lunch of hot tomato soup and sourdough bread at Depot, we wandered over to LaCoppa Coffee in the center of town. Andie bought us all hot chocolates and sat down across from us at a large oak table.

“So you’re really going on
The Today Show
?”

I blew on my hot chocolate. “Is that nuts, or what?”

“You’ll be great,” McKenna said. “The camera loves you.”

“Thanks, Mackie. I just hope I don’t say something stupid. Live TV is a lot of pressure, and we know how I can be under pressure.”

“Yeah, you do tend to choke under the spotlight,” Andie said. “Remember when you were the emcee at that charity fashion show in college?”

“You mean the one where I
fell off the stage
? Do you think I will
ever
forget that?”

“That was an awesome Waverly moment. One of my all-time favorites.”

McKenna laughed. “I’d totally forgotten about that. I think I choked on whatever I was eating at the time. Didn’t you break your wrist?”

I held it up. “Sometimes I can still tell when it’s going to rain.”

Andie clapped her hands together. “I love it.”

“Of course you do. My embarrassing Waverly moments are to you what your crazy Andie stories are to me. Speaking of which, do you have any good ones we haven’t heard yet?”

“Actually, I do. Wanna hear it?” Then she lowered her voice. “It’s pretty gross.”

McKenna and I leaned in and lowered our voices too. “Yes,” we said in unison.

She pushed her hair behind her ears. “Okay, here goes. Last week I had a date with this guy I met at an engagement party. His name is Will, and I cannot emphasize enough how good-looking he is.”

“So how did you end up on a date with him?”

“Waverly!” McKenna hit my arm.

“Oops, sorry. I didn’t mean it
that
way. You know what I meant, right, Andie?”

She shrugged. “No worries, I know I’m cute. So anyhow, after chatting with him at the party, he asked me out, and a few days later we went to an amazing dinner at Gary Danko. We shared a bottle of nice wine, had great conversation, great chemistry. I was totally into it.”

“He took you to Gary Danko on a first date?” I raised my eyebrows.

“Affirmative.”

“Wow, impressive.”

“So?” McKenna said. “Then what happened?”

“After dinner he asked if I wanted to see his apartment in the Marina, and I said sure.”

McKenna laughed. “Of course you did.”

“Did you sleep with him?” I asked.

McKenna hit my arm again. “Catch up. Of course she did.”

I rubbed my arm. “That hurt a little bit.”

She looked back at Andie. “And?”

“And the sex was amazing—I mean
amazing
. Some of the best I’ve ever had.”

“Excellent,” McKenna said.

Andie took a sip of her hot chocolate. “It was awesome.”

“So what happened then?” I asked.

She put her hot chocolate down. “So when it was over, we were both just lying there for a few minutes, trying to catch our breath.”

“And?” McKenna said.

“We were totally basking in the afterglow.”

“So…?” McKenna and I said in unison.

She put both her hands on the table. “And, unfortunately, ladies, that’s where the magic ended.”

We stared at her.

She leaned closer to us and lowered her voice again. “So once we finally caught our breath, we started cuddling and chatting…”

We kept staring.

“And then, literally two minutes later, I started to feel sick.”

We said nothing.

“Like
stomach sick
, sick.”

McKenna sat up straight. “Oh no.”

“Oh yes. It was not good. And the problem was, he has a studio apartment, and the bathroom is like, pretty close to the bed.”

“Oh no.” I made a face.

“Oh yes. But I had no choice, I had to go in there.”

She took another sip of her hot chocolate, and we waited.

She put her mug down on the table.

“Then I got diarrhea, and it was loud.”

“OH MY GOD!” I covered my mouth with my hands.

“
So
loud. I’m sure he heard every squirt.”

“NO WAY!” I yelled through both hands. I now had tears streaming down my face.

McKenna dabbed her own tears of laughter. “I can’t believe it.”

“Oh, believe it. I had to believe it myself for about three hours, which is how long it lasted.”

“THREE HOURS?” I yelled again. “What did you eat?”

“God knows. And could you please keep it down? We’re talking about diarrhea here.”

“Has he called you since?” McKenna asked, still laughing.

Andie tilted her head to one side. “Would
you
call me after hearing that?”

McKenna scrunched up her face. “Ooooh, good point.”

I finally calmed down enough to speak at a normal decibel, although I was still laughing. “I’m so sorry, Andie. That’s really brutal.”

“It’s okay.” She waved a hand in the air. “To be honest, it killed the romance for me as well. But I’ve moved on, because I’m a champion, and that’s what champions do.”

I moved to her side of the table and put my arm around her. “Andrea Barnett, I think we need to get you your own TV show.”

“I would consider that.”

Girlfriends are the best.

We left the café and strolled aimlessly around the cute downtown streets, window shopping and chatting more about the possibility of my having a monumental Waverly moment on
The Today Show
.

“What if I do something totally embarrassing? Do you know how many people watch
The Today Show
?”

“Yeah, but who
are
they?” Andie said. “I mean, do you know anyone who actually watches
The Today Show
? Doesn’t everyone you know have a job?”

“This is true. Except for me, I guess.”

“Please, stop complaining. You have a great job,” McKenna said. “Just not a traditional one.”

“Yeah, you’re a
minor celebrity
. Isn’t that what your TV friend Scotty called you?” Andie said.

I laughed. “You two are way too nice. I woke up at ten o’clock yesterday.”

Andie nodded. “Just as a minor celebrity should.
Major
celebrities don’t wake until after twelve. But seriously, who are the people who watch
The Today Show
? You know they’re out there, but you don’t know who they are.”

I pointed at her. “That’s how I feel about people who litter, or who don’t wear seatbelts.”

“Exactly. There you go.”

As we headed back to the car, we passed a woman pushing a stroller. As soon as she was out of earshot, I turned to McKenna and Andie and lowered my voice.

“Did you guys
see
that?”

“What?” they both said.

“That lady who just passed us. Did you see that awful lace headband she had on her baby? Does she really think that looks
good
?”

“Baby headbands are child abuse,” Andie said.

I held up my arms. “I don’t understand what’s going on with fashion these days. I went shopping last week and tried on what I thought was a long shirt to wear with jeans, but then I realized it was a dress. What is up with that? I mean, it barely covered my butt.”

“That’s the style right now,” McKenna said.

“But why? I mean, literally, one tiny breeze comes along, and
HELLO, this is my butt
.”

Andie shrugged. “Maybe you should start doing some lunges.”

I looked at her. “You never stop, do you?”

McKenna laughed but didn’t say anything.

I put my hand on my hip. “I mean, am I that old that I don’t even know what’s in style anymore? Is thirty really that old?”

“It’s not about age, it’s about attitude,” Andie said. “But be careful. Once you stop paying attention, it’s downhill
fast
. Next thing you know, you’ll be wearing mom jeans.”

“Hey now, I will
never
wear mom jeans. Do you hear me?”

“I’m just saying that maybe you should watch a little more MTV and a little less Lifetime.”

I frowned. “But I love Lifetime.”

“People who wear mom jeans watch Lifetime.” She held her hand up to her stomach, then raised it way above her belly button.

“Ouch,” I said.

She put her hands in a prayer position and bowed slightly. “My work is done here.”

The three of us strolled in silence for a moment. Then McKenna, who had been unusually quiet all afternoon, stopped walking and turned to face us.

“I’ll be wearing mom jeans soon.”

“What?” Andie said.

McKenna smiled. “I mean…mom-to-be jeans.”

“OH MY GOD!” I yelled at her. “You’re pregnant!”