It Stings So Sweet (20 page)

“And he wants to
marry
you?” she asks, latching on to the present.

My lips wobble into a
smile, unexpected joy spreading through my whole body. “He rather insists upon it.”

“Well,
we won’t tell him,” she says, conspiratorially. “We won’t tell him about your past. He doesn’t have
to know what you’ve done, Clara.”

With the joy inside me threatening to turn to vinegar, I
lift my chin in defiance. “He knows, Mama.”

She doesn’t hear me and her voice becomes more
urgent. “I won’t tell him. He doesn’t have to know what you are. And as long as he doesn’t know, he
can love you.”

“He
knows
, Mama. And he
does
love me.”

He really does, doesn’t he? And
that ought to be enough.

She looks through me to some other place. “Well, that’s wonderful.
Clara, that’s just marvelous. And don’t you worry. We’ll change the color of your hair. We’ll go somewhere
people don’t remember, so he doesn’t have to be ashamed.”

My scarred throat closes with regret.

I have nothing left to say.

CHAPTER

Twelve

It’s a bright blue-skied day, but so windy I have
to tie my hat on with a kerchief to keep it from blowing away.

Leo exaggerated when he said
every newspaper in the country would have a ph
otographer on h
and, but it is a bit of an event. A
few journalists cloister together by the hangar, and important investors and wealthy men sit on chairs
under big white pavilions set up for just this occasion.

“Clara!” one of the reporters calls
out. “Miss Cartwright, will you give us a pose?”

But today I’m one of them. My crew sets up
and I take refuge behind a camera of my own.

Maybe this footage will end up in the movie Leo
and I make together. Maybe it will just be my homage to the man I love. Either way, my eyes are all
for him.

In a short double-breasted leather flying coat, a cap, and goggles strapped tight
to his head, Leo is the very picture of an aviator. He exudes confidence beyond anything I’ve seen from
him before. He’s worked himself up for this, I realize. He’s telling himself about all the Germans
he shot down, convincing himself that he’s the best.

That he’s invincible.

I wish I believed
it.

It takes him a moment to realize that I’m there. When he sees me, he grins. He strides
from where the plane sits on the tarmac, pushing past my equipment to catch me up in his arms.

“You came,” he says with a smile. “And you look like a goddamned movie star.”

Then he kisses
me. He kisses me, dipping me back so far that the wind catches my dress and exposes my legs. And
I want him just as fiercely as the day I met him . . . if only I weren’t so terrified. In my business,
we say, break a leg, but I can picture that happening all too clearly, so I say, “Good luck up
there.”

“I don’t need luck,” Leo says with a wide grin, helping me find my footing again. “I
just need you.”

It’s never been so hard to let him go. But I give such a brilliant smile that
it ought to blind anyone to the dread that coils within me. Leo retreats to the plane and I retreat
behind my camera.

As it turns out, the camera isn’t defense enough. Brooke Gordon is on Teddy
Morgan’s arm and when she sees me, she seeks me out. “Oh, Clara,” she whispers. “Please tell me you
don’t mind.”

“I’m happy for you both,” I say, with genuine affection. Teddy Morgan is a lonely
man and Brooke will give him the attention he deserves. He’ll treat her kindly. I have no cause
to complain.

If anything, I’m enormously relieved.

Seeing us together, Big Teddy meanders
over. I worry that it’s going to be awkward, but he gives a booming laugh. “I take comfort in the
fact that if I had to lose you to another man, at least I lost you to the man you’re going to marry.”

Good god, how many people did Leo tell about his proposal? “I think you have the wrong idea,
Teddy.”

“My daughter was in the jewelry shop the other morning when Leo Vanderberg went ring
shopping.”

With all the talent I’ve ever mustered for any film, I force myself to shrug. “You
know I’m not the marrying kind . . . actually, I’m not much for exhibitions, either. The wind is
awfully strong and I’m not feeling well. I don’t think I can stay.”

I have the crew pack up
my camera. Leo will expect me to be here when he lands. He’ll be furious if I’m not, and maybe that’s
what needs to happen.

“Miss Cartwright!”

Someone is calling my name, but I don’t look
back to see who it is. I keep walking from the airfield.

“Miss Cartwright, wait!”

I walk
faster. I shouldn’t have come. Reporters are here. Ex-lovers are here. All the people who know my
shame. And the wind is howling like it was the morning my mother tried to slit my throat.

Someone grabs me and I whirl around, shocked to come face-to-face with Robert Aster. One look into his
boyish face, and I think I’m going to cry. He is a reminder of everything in the world I should be
ashamed of. A photographer snaps our picture and the flashbulb makes me see spots. No doubt the scandal
sheets will spill a load of ink speculating on how many lovers I have and whether Robert Aster
is one of them.

For the first time in my life, I actually mind.

“Miss Cartwright, it’s
good to see you,” Robert says, his touch entirely too familiar.

Ignoring the absurdity of being
called Miss Cartwright by a man who has taken every pleasure available from my body, I hold my
hat against the wind and say, “You’re being rather unchivalrous.”

This seems to take him aback.
“I haven’t said anything out of line.”

“You’re thinking plenty!”

“I’m only thinking that
I’ve acquired a passion for billiards . . .” When I don’t smile at his joke, his grin fades away.
“Whatever is the matter?”

“I can’t stay. Please give Leo my regrets.”

“You can’t go. He’s
about to get into that plane . . .” The thought of it only makes it worse. To think of how many
checklists Leo is going through now in preparation of climbing into that cockpit. “Is this about the
proposal, Miss Cartwright?”

Apparently, Leo’s told
everyone
. “It’s a mistake. Better off forgotten.”

I’ve wondered all along what kind of friend Robert Aster really was to Leo. Now I’m about to
find out. “Why won’t you marry him?”

“I have my reasons.”

“Is it the money? He’s got more
squirreled away than you think.”

“It isn’t the money. Truth is, I have plenty of money. It’s
just that when you’re a poor kid, you think you can never have enough.” It’s time I grew up. Glancing
back over my shoulder at the gaggle of reporters watching us, I say, “Mr. Aster, it doesn’t trouble
me when newspapers write about my affairs. I’m a vamp. It’s my reputation. I fostered it. And it
doesn’t hurt Leo as long as everyone thinks that he’s just the man I’m bedding. It only adds to his
mystique. He’s the sexy war hero who seduced the silent screen siren. But if we get married, he’ll
be the sucker. The dupe. The cuckold.”

The ambassador’s son—a young man trained to political
realities—understands this in a way that Leo probably never will. “I see . . . but you must know that
Leo doesn’t care about that kind of thing.”

“Then it’s up to the people who love him to care
about it for him.”

Robert folds his arms over his neatly tailored suit. “I’m not sure I understand.”

“I’m not much of a hero, Mr. Aster. I’ve never fought in a war. I’m not like other women; I’m
selfish and vain and greedy. But I can protect the man I love by saying no. And I’m not very good
at saying no, so you can imagine what it costs me. Will you help me convince him to let go of this idea
to marry me?”

“I’ll do my best,” Robert says.

So it’s done then. I should be relieved,
but I’m suddenly so tired. Sapped of all my pep.

“There’s just one thing you ought to know,”
Robert says. “He won’t give up on the idea no matter what I have to say about it.” When I start to
protest, Robert shushes me with an affable shake of his head. “I’ve known him a long time. You can
tell him that a car won’t go as fast as he thinks it will. You can tell him that a plane won’t get off
the ground. You can tell him he’s not going to make it out of a dogfight when he’s outgunned. The
only thing he’s going to believe is that
he
can make the car go that fast. He’ll believe
he
can
get that plane off the ground. He’ll believe
he
can win that dogfight. He’ll believe whatever he
needs to believe to accomplish something no one else can.”

“So you’re saying if you tell him
not to marry me, it will only make him want to do it more.”

“I’m saying it doesn’t
matter
what
anyone tells him. You say you’re not like other women. Well, he’s not like other men. He doesn’t
get up in the morning and worry about catching the morning train or what his boss is going to think
about his new suit. He wakes up and thinks about how to strap himself onto an engine and change everything
we think we know about the world.”

Robert Aster is a persuasive man, and I feel myself getting
turned inside out. I glance over my shoulder at the plane on the airstrip. That hunk of junk doesn’t
look as if it will ever get off the ground, and the reality of it hits me.

I’ve been fretting
about playing pretend, gossip, and scandal. The concerns of Hollywood. I’ve been worrying about all
the things my mother, the madwoman, thinks I should be worried about. Maybe I just haven’t wanted
to face the truth about how scared I am. There’s a thousand
real
ways I can lose Leo. He’s going
up in a real plane—not some Hollywood invention. He’s climbing into an untried machine with a fuel
tank that can kill him. With wings that can fall off. With bolts that can come loose.

He
knows
how dangerous it is. He just does it anyway.

Robert catches my eye. “In the war, he never flew
with a parachute, you know. He thought he was better off without.”

“He told me.”

“Well,
he was wrong. He needs a parachute, Clara. He
needs
you.”

The words flatten me and my heart
begins to pound. “Oh . . . oh, my.”

“He used to volunteer for the hazardous duties. He said
he should go, because nobody was waiting back home for him. Don’t you see, Clara? When he asked you
to marry him, he was asking you to be the one he comes back for.”

I go to stone. Then I fracture.
For a moment, I even miss my step and Robert has to catch me by the elbow. My hand goes over
my mouth and I shake my head. “Oh, have I been a fool?”

“I’m afraid so,” Robert says. “But
I admire it a little.”

“Leo!” I cry. He’s already got
one foot in the cockpit, but he hears me even over the roar of the wind and turns his head. He sees
me and gives a little wave. “Leo wait!”

I run to him. My hat slows me down, so I let the wind
take it and it floats up and away. The crowd turns to watch me race down the runway toward the plane
and a few of the mechanics even try to stop me, but I’m too fast for them. “Leo!”

He climbs
out and jumps down from the plane, taking a few pur
poseful strides towards me. I’m running so fast
that I crash into his chest and he grabs me by both arms. “Clara, what the devil are you doing?”

“Marry me!” I shout over the wind.

“What?”

“Leo Vanderberg, will you marry me?”

He pulls the goggles back over his head, looking vexed. “Clara, I’ve already proposed to you.
All you have to do is say yes.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know how to do this. I never expected to
be anyone’s wife. It’s no excuse but I love you so much that I was too afraid to say yes.”

He gives me a cocky grin. “Are you still afraid?”

“Of course I am.” But if Leo has taught me
anything it’s that you have to take the risk to accomplish something wonderful. I want something wonderful.
I want him forever. And that certainty stiffens my spine. “I’m terrified, but I’m going to
do it anyway. I think it might just be glorious.”

Leo grins. “It’s already done, Clara, whether
you know it or not. The moment I told you that I was keeping your film—that I’d keep it the rest
of my life and yours—we made a lifelong commitment. The rest is just a formality.”

I blink
and some of the terror
does
fade away. It seemed different with him than with anyone else from that
moment. Maybe we’ve been married all along, which makes me feel like even more of a fool for saying
no. “You told me that you’d always own a little piece of me, Leo. I just didn’t know it was going
to be my heart.”

“Say yes, Clara.”

The sun on my face feels like God’s blessing, and I
find myself beaming up at him. “Yes, Leo. Yes, I’ll marry you. Yes, to anything. Yes, to everything.”

With a smug smile, he takes off one of his leather gloves, reaching into his jacket for the
ring that flashes so brilliant it nearly blinds me.

I gasp. “You just
happened
to have an engagement
ring in your jacket?”

Leo laughs. “I knew you were going to say yes eventually, so I wasn’t
taking any chances.”

He slips the golden band over my finger. A perfect fit. It’s a dazzling
rock, round and brilliant. Showy as a star. A squeal escapes my lips before I can stop it, and I find
myself hopping on my toes with joy. “Is that it? Are we engaged? I’ve never done this before . .
 .”

“I’ve never done it, either.”

I clasp him against me. “Then how do we know we’re doing
it right?”

“Oh, I think we’re probably doing it right.”

He dips his head and kisses me
hard.

Leo climbs into the plane, situating himself in the cockpit. He gives a wave to the crowd,
then starts the engine. When the plane rolls forward, everyone applauds. The plane rattles when
it takes off. It stutters in the air, then glides up and up and away. I hold my breath as Leo takes
that plane and pushes it as hard as it will go. He climbs with it, straight up. An impossible angle
and as the machine gets tinier in the air, I know what he’s doing. He’s attempting an Immelmann turn
and I have to stuff my fist in my mouth to keep from screaming when we all hear the engine cut out.