Is This Acid In My Applesauce? (6 page)

chaptEr tEN: CURT & DEB

“Maybe
I should call Tim and ask him how long this will last,” Curt suggested once they were back home. “Like, what strength is this LSD. Mild? Medium?”

“It’s not a plate of buffalo wings Curtis!” Deb spat. “I seriously can’t believe you were going to take LSD. You're a 41-year-old computer programmer!”

“HERO TIME!” Theo shouted.

“What’s he talking about Curt? Is that the drugs or just five-year-old gibberish. I can’t tell!”

“I don’t know. Nothing a five-year-old has ever said has ever made sense. EVER!”

Deb closed her eyes, took a few deep breaths, and said: “Theo’s probably got about seven more hours until it leaves his system. We need to give him a safe space, put on some soothing nature sounds, and try to give him an environment where he can make a self-discovery.”

“Self-discovery? What, that there’s no little man in the crosswalk light? That all matter harmonizes?”

Deb’s momentary calm shattered. “No, more like that his father is mayor of fuck nuts mountain and the reason he isn’t around is because he’s serving time for child endangerment and possession of a schedule one illegal drug! That’s in the same class as heroin, fuck nuts, by the way.”

“At least I’m not the one dropping enough F bombs around our five-year-old to flatten Tehran!”

“That’s racist Curt!”

Just then the phone rang.

chaptEr ELEVEN: THEO

On
Day 1 of Monster Combat Training, Theo leveled up on speed. Monsters were usually big and slow, so Theo needed to be able to dart, zoom, and sprint like a cheetah with a jetpack.

On Day 2 of Monster Combat Training,

Theo put on some serious muscle. Monsters were pretty much made of slime and biceps, so Theo needed to get Crazy built, and fast.

On Day 3 of Monster Combat Training, Theo practiced not being a total wuss. Everyone knew that monsters were allergic to toughness, so Theo needed to get ripped with bravery.

chaptEr TWELVE: CURT & DEB

“Bad news,”
Deb said, hanging up. “That was your dad. We need to go back and move the table out of the garage so he can drive to the pharmacy.”

As Curt met this new crisis, a strange calm washed over him and he felt the pieces of his mind align like pez in a pez dispenser. A wind of omnipotence blew through him and opened a gateway to his inner consciousness, and now he was seeing,
really
seeing.
This must be a contact high,
Curt thought.
I’ve heard of tales of this sorcery.
Everything shimmered under a golden light of total comprehension. All matter harmonized. He knew the answer. With a voice like smooth thunder, Curt announced:

“We will take the boy to the hospital.”

“Child services,” Deb replied.

“What if I go
to my parents’ house and you stay with Theo?”

“You’re going to move a granite table by yourself?” Deb cried. “And if your mom or dad tries to help then we
will
have to go to a hospital. Or a funeral.”

“Call a babysitter?”

“And never get a babysitter again? Theo is BATSHIT right now!”

“We could leave him here,” Curt said desperately. “Lock the doors, put on the TV.”

“He can’t even watch a Blue’s Clues rerun without racing around the house and screaming the names of appliances. And now he’s on drugs! He could get violent.”

“Yeah Deb, that episode where Blue had to figure out who viciously murdered Steve and left his mutilated body in the bathtub was pretty dark.”

“I’m serious!”

“We have to leave him here Deb.”

“We can’t leave him here alone, there are too many mirrors!”