Is This Acid In My Applesauce? (5 page)

“Great Curt, way to dropkick your son in the face. That’ll go over well when this inevitably goes to trial,” Deb rushed toward her son and held out her hand. “Theo honey, I need you to look at this. Did you put this in your mouth?”

“It tasted like a zipper!” Theo shouted. Curt started mentally compiling a plea for joint-custody.

“Ok let’s pump his stomach,” Curt said. “Do we have a plunger or something?”

“How did he find it?” Deb hissed. “When did he take it? Oh god this isn’t happening.”

“I guess he took it out of my wallet after I hung up my coat. The acid was right behind my $25 Chili’s gift card. Thanks again for that by the way. You’re so kind and thoughtful -”

“So
not the time.”

“Totally. You’re so good at knowing the right times for things honey.”

“My guess is that Theo probably found the tab about 45 minutes ago. Right?”

“Maybe, why?”

“Because that means ... ”

“It’s already started to kick in.”

Grandma shuffled into the room.“Theodore looks a little under the weather Curt. Was it my cupcakes honey? Too many sprinkles I bet.”

“What?” Curt jumped in front of Theo like he was guarding an unwrapped Christmas present. “No, I mean yes, yes I think he’s feeling ill. The legal kind of ill obviously. I think we need to go home actually and –”

Without warning Theo bolted toward the basement, cackling loudly to himself as if no one could hear. He was gone for only a few seconds before careening wildly back into view.

Deb was grateful for Theo’s constant state of motion, which made it much more difficult for his grandparents to notice that, thanks to his Oreo-sized pupils and flapping tendrils of drool, Theo really did look like a lemur. A rabid, fiending, lobotomized lemur. Curt would be so proud.

chaptEr nine: THEO

AftEr
his parents rushed him out the door and sped back home (leaving poor old Grandma and Granddad to fend for themselves), Theo found himself pacing back and forth, deep in thought.

The trampoline drama seemed so silly now that there was monster drama, and he had run away like a big wuss! When he told everyone at school about the monster, which he’d have to because monster sightings were big news, they would all laugh at how he chickened out.
Scaredy butt! Monster wimp! Couldn’t handle one little bloodthirsty beast!

Being made fun of would be even worse than getting eaten, so there was only one choice: Be the coolest, toughest, most awesomest kid in the whole universe and charge into the monster’s lair and slay the evil creature.

Then I’d have the craziest story to tell my friends and everyone at school will think I’m a superhero. Oh and Grandma and Granddad won’t get eaten. That’s good too I guess.

But Theo had never fought a whole monster before. Sure, he had wrestled garden hoses and won some pretty tough underwater kung-fu battles, but that wasn’t the same. He needed to be at his monster-fighting prime, and to do that, Theo had to undergo Monster Combat Training.