Irrefutable (The Apprehensive Duet Book 2) (15 page)

MY CHEST BURNS as I inhale deeply. “I was horrible to you,” I admit. Something Dr. Stein said the other day echoes in my head.
You may not be able to control your feelings, but you can control what you choose to do with them.
“You never deserved for me to do the things I did to you. You always treated me like I was the most important person in the world.”

“You were. To me, you were,” he whispers, thrusting the knife right into my heart.

In just two months, Alex has reminded me of all the reasons I fell for him in the first place. His capacity to empathize with me after everything I’ve done to him. His patience and determination. His drive to help people find their happiness and reach their goals. Even if it kills him in the process.

Alex has always put me first. Everything he’s ever done when it comes to the two of us has been with me in the front of his mind. Whatever was best for me. After everything I’ve previously done to avoid being truthful and vulnerable with him, he should tell me to fuck off.

I had been angry with what he’d said about that woman letting her husband cheat on her, and I’d had a knee jerk reaction. The implications terrified me. All that mattered to me at the time was protecting myself and my career, but I never wanted to purposely hurt him. God, I feel like a complete cowardly asshole for how I left him.

“I’m sorry,” I confess. “You deserved the truth but I didn’t even know the truth myself at that time. You were right. I let myself believe what I wanted to believe. It’s taken me over two years to realize that, but I see it now.”

“But why?” he asks, his eyes pleading with mine. I’m having a hard time gauging his tone of voice. He sounds angry but also hopeful. His anger is justified, can’t hold it against him. But what is he hopeful for? Me or answers?

“Because I’m kind of emotionally broken. I’m fucked up. My parents did a number on me and then people around me just continued to justify those beliefs for me. I let myself get close to you and it scared me. My promotion slipped through my fingers and it messed with my head. My dad knew how to play me and manipulated me into thinking you were the reason I wasn’t getting the job, when it was because of him. Then I took something you said and twisted it to give me a reason to run.”

I spent almost my entire first session with the doctor going over this. Going around and around getting back to the same point. My need for my father’s approval. After leaving his office that day, I spent the rest of the day thinking about it all and talking it through with Ashley. She’s seen my father and me at our finest over the last decade.

I let him and my need for his approval subconsciously take over all my decision making. College. Work. This wedding. No matter how hard I tried to defy him, in the end he’s always found a way to get what he wanted from me. It’s been a hard pill to swallow. Alex saw it years ago and tried to point it out to me, but I didn’t want to hear it.

“Why are you telling me all of this now?”

“Because you deserve the truth. No matter how this ends, you need to know why I did what I did. And I need to accept responsibility for it.” Despite being unsure of where this night will take us, I feel lighter. Relieved even. I’ve taken a step in the right direction, and owning my actions—even though they weren’t good—gives me a small sense of accomplishment.

As he leans back against the couch, Alex closes his eyes and lets out a sigh. His hands go to his hair, and he runs his fingers through it as he tries to figure out whatever it is going on in his head. The silence is almost deafening, but thankfully it doesn’t last long. He sits forward and levels me with a serious stare. “Where were you hoping to go with this, Quinn? I know there’s another reason behind this, and I’m trying to read between the lines, but I don’t want to read something that’s not written. I need you to spell out exactly what you’re trying to say here, because to me it sounds like you’re apologizing so I’ll fake date you.”

Wow, that kind of stings. First Jordan says I’m manipulative, now Alex. “You think I want to fake date you?”

“Well… you went from explaining that your fiancé wants us to date in some grand scheme to blackmail your father back, I’m assuming, to giving me the answers I’ve been trying to get from you for years. Seems a little too convenient, no?”

I guess I deserve that. “Have I really become that woman? The one who men assume is trying to get something from them.”

His face contours into this pained look as he thinks about my question. “Normally I’d say no, but you gotta admit you giving me the only thing I’ve ever asked of you at a time you need something from me is a little sketchy.”

His doubt in me cuts deep. I’ve never purposely manipulated anyone. But lately that’s how people are seeing me. It makes me feel more like my father that I’d ever want. Except Alex is wrong. “I didn’t tell you for you to do me a favor,” I counter. “You thought I was saying that I didn’t want to be drawn to you because it was this awful thing. I was trying to explain to you why me being drawn to you is bad. I’d be stupid to not want to be with you, Alex. You’re the best person in the world. My whole being comes to life when you’re around. I feel safe and at ease. So yes, I still feel something for you, even knowing I should let you go.”

Alex reaches out and places his hand on my thigh. My skin heats as the feelings his touch creates creep up my chest to my neck until I can feel it burning in my ears. A huge part of me has been dormant for a while. A part of me I lost when I walked away. It’s like the smell of cookies baking. As soon as the familiar scent hits your nose, you can taste it in your mouth. It’s just like that. Getting a small reminder of what I used to have

“Are you letting go, Quinn? Or are you holding on?”

I stare into the hazel pools staring back at me. The green and brown swirls are warring emotions. I want to hold on so fucking bad, but can I live with letting go again if things get bad? I don’t even know for sure if Alex wants the same thing. He said he loved me just a few months ago, but that doesn’t mean shit. Why would he want to get back on the crazy train with me?

Denying it won’t help me. If I don’t tell him how I truly feel, I’ll have to live with the lingering questions that will follow me for the rest of my life.
What if I told him the truth? What if he loved me too?

“You don’t have to hide from me, Quinn. No matter what, you can always be honest with me. I promise to always try to see your perspective. You just need to let me try.”

“I am trying. I’m just scared, Alex,” I confess. My eyes slowly meet his as I raise my head. My arms instinctively move, wrapping across my body as if I can shield myself with them. Vulnerability isn’t something I’m familiar with at this point in my life.

“What are you afraid of, angel?” he asks sliding closer to me on the couch, closing the distance between us. Hearing the reverence in the way he says “angel” warms my soul. The closer he gets to me the more my nerves settle. His touch soothes me as he wraps his arms around me. When he secures my head in the crook of his neck, most of the fear vanishes. This is Alex. No matter what I tell him, he won’t use it against me. The words slip past my lips with little resistance.

“Of you.”

My answer causes Alex to panic slightly and I’m suddenly being pushed back while strong hands grip my head. He forces me to look at him as he stares into my eyes in shock. “Why are you scared of me?”

The incredulous way he says “me,” as if he isn’t anything to be afraid of, has me shaking my head in disbelief. Doesn’t he get it? “Because you have the power to destroy me.”

His hands slide down the sides of my face, cradling me as he rests his forehead against mine. His eyes continue to bore into me as he starts speaking, “I don’t want to destroy you, angel. I have no intention of ever hurting you. I want to make you happy, love you, and see you succeed. I want to see you be vibrant and free again. And help you get there, but never destroy you.”

“The only love I’ve ever had hurts, Alex.” I explain. “I don’t know how to love someone at this point in my life. I want to. I’m working on getting there. There’s nothing more I’d love to do than love you. But I also have to find myself in the process. I’m a mess. I have no right to ask you to wait around for me to get there.

“That’s not true,” he argues as a gleam starts to glow from his eyes. It’s mesmerizing and easily distracting. But he always got that look when he knew he was about to win in some way.

“What’s not true?” I ask taking his bait.

His brilliant eyes keep me enthralled as they get closer and closer. A shocking pulse courses through my body the moment his lips meet mine. As quickly as I feel the soft, familiar touch, it’s gone.

“I’ve never hurt you, angel, and I never will,” Alex whispers before molding his lips to mine again. This time my lips feel like they’re being lit on fire. The way my mouth yields to his despite my fears is scary as fuck. But also a huge fucking turn-on. I haven’t felt this spark in so long. Everything is lighting up, like someone flipped the switch that turns on all the carnival rides.

Thank God Alex has the strength to pull away because I don’t think I have the willpower. And I don’t want to do something stupid and hide behind sex. I need to talk this through and try to rein in my newly awakened ability to feel.

“Not once did I ever betray you, or even think about it. I love you wholeheartedly,” Alex tells me, his voice oozing conviction. “You just weren’t ready for it then, so you didn’t see it. But you will this time around. But right now all you need to do is remember that I could never hurt you, Quinn.”

It’s hard to see as the tears well quickly in my eyes. The guilt rushes back in as he reminds me he was nothing but great to me. And with the guilt comes the fear. Fear that this will all be too much for him. Baggage follows me around by the truckload. Being with me wasn’t easy before and being with me now would be a whole new level of difficulty. I have so much to get through and so much to work on. Nobody wants to sign up for that. Plus, I already proved I’m not worth it.

“But I can hurt you. It wouldn’t be the first time.” My hands barely make it to my face before the tears begin to fall. Alex’s arms squeeze me as he pulls me into his warm chest again. After a few minutes, I’m able to get myself together enough to continue sharing. I’m on a roll and I’m not going to give up so easily.

“I suck at this, Alex. That part of me is broken right now. What happens next time I hurt you? What happens when I screw up again and you decide you’ve had enough? Hell, you’ve already had enough. I won’t recover from this a second time.”

As much as it pains me say, I feel like it’s almost inevitable I’m going to fuck this up again. I won’t make it through getting close to him and then losing him again. Last time I didn’t realize exactly what I had or what I was doing. This time I can’t choose to ignore what will be missing if this goes wrong.

I UNCURL THE fist Quinn has tucked under her chin, intertwining her fingers in mine and squeezing. Her pain and fear are profound, hanging in the air surrounding us, like another person in the room. My heart hurts for her … and me. I can’t go through losing her again either. But I also know that living without her sucks. So I’m willing to take the risk.

Things will be different this time around. For that to happen she has to let go of her fears. I have to let go of mine.

“Angel, no part of you is broken. There’s nothing wrong with you. You know how to love—I’ve seen you do it. I’ve felt your love. Even when you were fighting it. We’ve got a lot to work through if we want this to work, but don’t let fear hold you back. You have nothing to be afraid of.”

My chest rises and falls thinking about how close I am to finally having everything I ever wanted with the one woman I wanted it with. I just need to get her to take the leap with me.

“I love you. I have for a long time. Nothing would make me happier than helping you see yourself the way I see you.”

Her body rears back from mine and she peers up at me with shocked eyes. “You mean it?” Quinn has always been this force to be reckoned with, but in this moment she reminds me of a small child looking for compassion and understanding.