Invisible (43 page)

As I stood with Ellyn just a couple of hours ago and fastened the dozens of small, pearl buttons up the back of her dress, we talked of nothing.

And of everything.

Once the dress was buttoned, Ellyn turned toward me. “How do I look?”

Her face glowed—a hint of peach touched her cheeks and lips. Her sea-glass green eyes shone beneath thick lashes touched with dark brown mascara.

“You're breathtaking.”

She smoothed the antique white dress over her ample hips and then turned to look into the full-length mirror in the room. She adjusted the bodice of the dress. “Too much cleavage?”

“No. You know just how to take advantage of your curves. It's lovely and appropriate. Though, it might distract Miles a bit.”

Ellyn blushed. “Well, let's hope so.”

I gave her a hug then. “Oh, my friend, we've come a long way, haven't we?”

“Yes, we have.”

“You were and are God's gift to me, Ellyn—my dearest friend.”

“Likewise. All of this . . . I don't think it would ever have happened if it weren't for you.”

“Oh, no. I'm not taking the credit for any of this. This is about you—your willingness to follow God and do the hard work He called you to do. This is His doing . . . and yours.”

Tears of joy glistened in her eyes.

“Oh, no, you don't. You don't cry. You cry and you ruin your makeup. You hear me?”

Rosa walked in and took over. Someone needed to be in charge. She reprimanded Ellyn and then she stood on her toes, reached up and put her hands on Ellyn's cheeks, and kissed her forehead. “He's a good man. But if he don't take good care of you, he has me to deal with. And you know I told him that. He knows.” As she talked she fussed with Ellyn's dress and her bouquet.

I stood back and watched. How like God to provide a mother hen for Ellyn, especially today, when her own mother, who refused the invitation to the wedding, won't be here.

“Now, go. Go! De photographer is waiting . . .”

Ellyn

I stand at the back of the cathedral and wait for the music signaling me to walk down the aisle between our guests. Though the cathedral is full, all I see is Miles. While I know he is surrounded by the beauty of creation—the grand cypress trees and the view of the ocean beyond—it is invisible to me today.

Instead, my gaze is drawn to Miles's face—he is the creation of God I see. And soon, he'll be my husband.

My husband.
Words I thought I'd never utter.

When Miles sees me, I watch emotions cross his face. What I see in him, through him, is the reflection of God.

Is the reflection perfect? No.

But it is splendid, nonetheless.

Lord, let Miles see the same in me. Let him see Your image, in and through me. Now and always.

As the music plays, I feel as though I float down the aisle.

The bonds of shame are loosed, and I soar.

When I reach Miles, I see tears in his eyes. He takes my arm and leans down to whisper in my ear. “You are beautiful, Ellyn. I love you.” His voice is thick with emotion.

The pastor opens his Bible and reads the passage I chose from Ezekiel:

“‘When I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign Lord, and you became mine.'

“‘I bathed you with water and washed the blood from you and put ointments on you. I clothed you with an embroidered dress and put leather sandals on you. I dressed you in fine linen and covered you with costly garments. I adorned you with jewelry . . . you were adorned with gold and silver . . . Your food, fine flour, honey, and . . .'”

The pastor pauses. “. . . butter.”

Our guests erupt in applause.

“This is the Ellyn DeMoss version we're reading from today.”

Miles looks at me, his delight and love so evident. My breath catches, and tears well. I mouth
I love you
to him and hold his hand tight.

The pastor continues. “‘You became very beautiful . . . because the splendor I had given you made your beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign Lord.'”

Miles

With Ellyn's hand in mine, I listen to the words the pastor reads. So appropriate. God has made Ellyn's beauty perfect, inside and out. I look down into her sea-green eyes and wink. She squeezes my hand in response.

Lord, thank You. Thank You. Several years ago, just after losing Sarah, I thought a moment like this was impossible. I knew I'd never love again. The ache of loss was all I could feel. Yet, here I stand today, my heart full with a rich and mature love for the
woman by my side. A woman,
I smile to myself,
who I find irresistible
.

The pastor closes his Bible. “We are gathered here today to celebrate the love between Ellyn and Miles, who will now share their vows with one another.”

Ellyn takes a step closer and gives me her other hand. We stand facing one another now. I hear her take a breath and then listen in awe at God's goodness.

“Miles, I am created in the image of God and I am made beautiful by His splendor. Today, I vow to embrace my splendor and share it with you for all of my days . . .”

Sabina

As Ellyn continues her vows, I look beyond her to the opening at the end of the grove, where that picnic table seems to sit on the edge of the world. The water in the distance is a deep, dark blue today, broken by the pure white of the foaming surf. The view is framed by the cypress trees, leaning in, branches stretched in a protective embrace over this ceremony.

The grandeur, the splendor of His creation, is nothing compared to that of those gathered here. Those who walk by themselves without wonder. And those, like Ellyn and Twila, who understand and claim their God-given splendor.

I'm roused from my revelry by the sound of clapping and laughter as Miles leans down and kisses his new wife for the first time.

His beautiful wife.

Created in the image of Almighty God.

Ellyn

As Miles vows his love and commitment to me, I stand in wonder. Through this man, I've seen a side of God I never knew existed. And tonight, as we become one, not only will my intimacy with Miles deepen, but so will my intimacy with God. I will know Him not only as Father, Savior, Friend, Provider, and Protector. But I will also know Him as Husband and Lover.

Through Miles, God will love me and continue to reveal Himself to me in new ways.

After we exchange rings, we are finally given the go-ahead to seal our vows with a kiss. Miles bends to me and I reach and put my arms around his neck. The scent of the cypress trees and the salt of the surf mix with the warmth of his cologne making for a heady, enticing scent.

His lips on mine are soft, warm, and tender, as always. We linger for just a moment and then pull back from one another, though our eyes remain locked in an intimate gaze. Then I reach for him and kiss him again.

And again.

Because, honey, this man's kisses are better than anything I've ever tasted.

Even butter.

Dear Readers,

“Don't edit your life.”

I pondered the words spoken to me by my life coach and spiritual mentor after I'd lamented about the struggle I was having writing this story.

“But this isn't
my
story. It's fiction.”

Again came his encouragement. “Don't edit your life, especially with this book.”

How could he say that? He knew nothing of the book I was writing—only that it was another novel. He didn't know the characters, the plot, or even the title. Yet, his words cut to the core of my struggle. I was living a piece of the story I was writing, but I wished I wasn't.

However, it was the story God was giving me.

I wasn't to edit it to suit my own desires.

Instead, I was to live it.

And write it.

I've struggled with my body image since my early teen years. I didn't and I don't share the iconic female shape of our culture—tall, long waist, long legs, and thin. Oh, so thin. With each passing year and each pound gained, that image taunted me more.

For many years, I woke each morning with accusations running through my mind:
You're fat. You're worthless. You're lazy. You'll never change
. My own personal
Earl
, the Accuser, hurled lies at me, and I began each day defeated.

So I hid. Not literally, but metaphorically. I hid behind a wall of competence. If I could do everything well, then the real me, the one weighed down not by the pounds I carried, but by the shame I embraced, would be invisible to others.

Invisibility has been my persistent desire—my besetting sin.

I unknowingly carried that desire with me into my forty-ninth year of life and into the writing of this, my third novel. Then one afternoon, I happened upon this quote from Saint Augustine:

Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering.

The quote led me back to a familiar verse—one so familiar to many of us that we, perhaps, take it for granted:

So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
(Gen. 1:27)

I was stunned. As one who sees God in every glorious twig created, I had never seen Him when looking into a mirror. Instead, I saw brokenness. I saw shame. And I wanted to hide.

I'm not alone. Neither are you. In fact, this desire has followed us through history.

We've longed for invisibility and hidden in shame since that fateful day in the garden when Adam and Eve recognized their nakedness and hid from God.

But just as He called to them, “Where are you?” He's calling to us, “Where are you?” And just as He, in His great mercy, covered Adam and Eve in garments of skin, He covered us in the blood of His son—Jesus Christ.

Please don't mistake
Invisible
for a story about weight—too much or too little. Nor is it a story about health, or food, or sedentary versus active lifestyles. Neither is it a story about competence or self-reliance, loss or grief.

This is not a self-help book written as a means of condoning or judging any of the above-mentioned states of being or practices.

No.

This is a story of freedom from the bondage of shame. Freedom found through believing the truth of God's Word.

Saint Augustine, who lived between 354–430 CE found this same freedom through the truth of God's Word. His autobiography,
Confessions
, chronicles much of his journey. He was a man bound by sexual immorality, gluttony, and grief, and imprisoned by the untruths He believed. But when He accepted the truth of God's Word, he was set free. His story, written so long ago, is startling in its relevance today.

Truth remains forever relevant.

Do shackles of shame still bind you? The shame of abuse, addiction, pornography, promiscuity, weight, whatever . . .

Are you hiding?

The merciful voice of the Father is calling you out of hiding. He's wooing you to Himself. He longs to erase your shame and replace it with the truth of His love and mercy.

Will you come out of hiding and walk with Him?

Will you accept yourself as one created in His image?

Will you look into a mirror and smile at His glory reflected there?

Oh, how I pray those are choices you'll make. Because in doing so, you'll walk in freedom! I know, because as this story drew to completion, those are choices I made.

With love,

Ginny L. Yttrup

www.ginnyyttrup.com

[email protected]

Discussion Questions

1. Have you ever wished you were invisible or wanted to hide? If so, why?

2. The characters in
Invisible
each display attributes of Saint Augustine whose struggles thousands of years ago are similar to many of our struggles today. Was there one character you most related to? Or did you see parts of yourself in each character? Explain.

3. Did reading
Invisible
change your view of Genesis 1:27? If so, how?

4. What does it mean to you to be made in the image of God?

5. How did believing God's Word set both Ellyn and Sabina free?

6. Have you ever felt angry with God? Did you express that anger? Why or why not?

7. Sabina blamed herself for the deaths of two people close to her. Have you ever assumed responsibility for something you had no control over? If so, why?

8. Earl's lies were woven into Ellyn's being, affecting her beliefs about herself and about men. Have you believed lies about yourself that kept you from recognizing the truth about yourself or others?

9. What was the difference between the way Miles and Sabina handled their grief? Did you learn anything from Miles that might help you look at your own loss, grief, or frustrations in a new way?

10. Ellyn and Twila both struggled with body image issues and food choices, though in different ways. Why did Twila seem to grasp emotional health and freedom sooner than Ellyn?

11. What shift took place in Ellyn's thinking that led her to finally pursue a romantic relationship with Miles?

12.
Invisible
is a story of being set free from the bonds of shame. Has shame bound you in any way? How might you, like the characters in
Invisible
, ultimately enjoy freedom?