Into the Flames (Out of the Ashes #2) (5 page)

“Dean, I love you.  Only you.”  And just like that my gentle, caring lover was back.  It hadn’t been too often that I got to be with Dean like this.  Most of the time he was rough and harsh but this, this was pure bliss.  “Oh yes, Dean.  Yes. Yes.”  He massaged me inside and out perfectly until my orgasm rocked my body.  I held onto this bliss with him as long as I could.  I wanted to cry out again as he convulsed inside me. 

“Lauren, damn baby.  You’re perfection.  Your cunt is perfection.  Imagine what it will be like when you’re pregnant with my baby.  Fuck, I get hard just thinking about it.  I want you off that fucking pill.  I want to spill myself in you and have you carry our baby.  Baby, can you do that?”

Wi
th my post orgasmic fog, I can barely process his word but once they register, fear consumes me.  “Dean, slow down. We obviously have some issues. Plus we just got engaged and you’re already talking about having babies.  How about we get married first?”

“Lauren, you’ll be my wife; that is not up for fucking debate.  You are mine.  Don’t you ever, I mean ever, even think about leaving me.  I’ll hunt you down.  I’ll search until I find you and, baby, I’ll always find you.  There is no place on this earth that would be remote enough for you to hide from me.  So we might as well get sta
rted on our family.”  He wraps me hard in his embrace and I feel him grow hard inside me.  Shit, the man is the fucking energizer bunny.  “I’m not leaving this pussy until you understand that you’re mine forever.”

The decision I made that day not to walk away altered my life and future in more ways than I care to think of. 

~

I must have fallen asleep because a few hours later I wake in a cold sweat just as Gavin bursts through my bedroom door.  He rushes to my side.  “Jesus, Celeste, sorry, Lauren, I was afraid that he was in here with you.  The way you screaming; I thought for sure he
had somehow gotten into the apartment.  Shit!”  His face and tone soften.  “Darling,” he says stroking my hair, “I’m here.  It’ll be okay.”

“Gavin, will you stay with me?  I don’t want to be but I’m so afraid. 
I still have nightmares of the past but there are new ones now too and they are so different.  I used to have them about things that he had done to me, things that actually happened.  Now, he’s hurting the people I love. I don’t want him to hurt the people I love.  That’s what scares me the most.  I know I said I was done with the fear. I refuse to be afraid of him and what he can do to me anymore, but I’ll always fear for what can happen to all of you because of me.”  I heave a heavy sob as I let the fear wash through my body, knowing I need to embrace it and then let it go.  That is the only way I will be able to move on from what has happened.

It’s only then that I notice the gun that Gavin dropped on the mattress next to me when he sat down to hold me.  “Where the hell did you get that?” 

Gavin follows my gaze.  “Lauren, I can’t have him come back here and try to hurt you again.  Ian would never forgive me and more importantly, I would never forgive myself.”  His comment strikes a nerve and suddenly I’m very angry. 

“Don’t fucking talk to me about how Ian would feel.  He’s not here.  I think he’s made his feelings perfectly clear.  He decided he wanted no part in this an
d left me to fend for myself,” I scream at him.  Instead of backing off, Gavin’s embrace tightens. 

“Laur
, I don’t think that’s the truth.  I understand that’s how it looks but, like Marlene said, just have some patience.  I’m not defending him by any means.  It’s you that I’m concerned about and you that I love but just try not to give up on him yet.  Just let him work it out.”  Yeah, I’m sure he’ll work out plenty with his new heiress.  My snarky attitude has to put in her two cents.  My moods are all over the place and now I’m bawling in Gavin’s arms.  Must be the shock and the grief, shock of all that has happened and grief over losing Ian and what could have been.

“What if Dean hurts him?  Why couldn’t he just stay with me?  I would have told him.  Dammit, Gavin, that night he told me…”  I have to stop to get my sobbing under control.  “He told me he loved me for the first time and then he said he wanted to marry me.  Now he’s gone.  I just don’t know what to do.  And I can’t picture going on without him.”

“Shh, Lauren, it will work out.  Have some faith.  He loves you; that’s plain in every look he ever gave you.  But your life will go on, sorry to say this, with or without him.  Because there’s no way I’m allowing you to wallow in this apartment forever.  You need some time to recover both physically and mentally, you need to keep your appointments with Dr. Reeves; and you need to get better.  But then I’m getting you out.”  He gives me his signature smile.  I know that once he’s made up his mind there’s no changing it. 

After that night with Gavin, my routine basically returns to normal; well, my new normal anyway.  Somehow I drag myself out of bed in the morning.  Then I try, sometimes even successfully, to eat something.  Tuesday and Thursday are the days I meet with Dr. Reeves.  Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I meet with Tyler for my personal training sessions. 

When I first joined the gym, I found Tyler and asked him about doing some training.  “Tyler, I want do some personal training.  Some self defense stuff and I heard you used to teach classes for that sort of thing.”  I stopped and found a very interesting spot to look at on the floor.  Tyler’s eyes filled with hope, which is exactly what I didn’t want to happen.  Maybe this was a bad idea.  “If it will be too awkward for you, just let me know now.  I just… I know… I would be more comfortable with you and hoped that it you’d be okay with it.” 

Tyler looked
cautiously at me.  “I don’t want to get in the middle of anything again…” he began.

I cut him off.  “No, it’s not like that.  There’s nothing to get in the middle of.”  I trail off not wanting to say anymore because I don’t want to have that conversation with Tyler.  “I want, no need, to do this.  I need to be stronger, I need to learn how to defend myself in case I’m attacked again.”  I don’t know how much Gavin has told him but that’s why I’m here so I should just lay it all out. 

“Yeah, Gavin told me some about that. I thought about coming to see you but with Ian… Well after our introduction, I just wasn’t sure it was a good idea.”  I know exactly what he means. 

“No, I understand, completely.  Ian can be a little overwhelming at times.”  I catch myself smiling at the memories of Ian overwhelming me.  God, how am I going to do this without him when even simple words cause my mind to wander to him?  I try not to let my emotions take over and continue, “I’ll never be able to stop the man that attacked me but if I could at least defend myself some I might have a chance to get away from him.”  I was
ecstatic when Tyler agreed.  It took some time to get him to call me Lauren instead of Celeste and a whole lot of explaining.  But I’m comfortable with Tyler.  He’s like a brother to me and I’ve really come to care about him over these last few weeks.

So after only a few workouts with Tyler, I’m not only feeling stronger and fitter but I honestly feel like I’ll be able to put up some kind of a fight against Dean when he returns.  I’m not naïve enough to think he’s never coming back.  I know it isn’t a matter of if; it’s when.  But I’m going to be prepared.

At the end of the week, Gavin is clearly becoming stir crazy staying in the apartment all the time.  He definitely wants a night out.  “Lauren, we can’t stay in here forever.  The world is still out there and at some point you have to re-join it.”  I don’t want to think about joining the real world.  I want to avoid everything and everyone.  I’m enjoying the bubble I’ve created for myself and my routine.  But there’s no stopping Gavin.  “I’m not taking no for an answer.  So find something in that closet to wear and get ready, we leave in an hour.”  Good thing I showered right after the gym today; he’s really not giving me any time.

Gavin’s gentle with me
since this is my first night out after the attack.  He takes me for a quiet dinner.  I would’ve been content to go home after that but Gavin would hear none of my begging.  “Darling, you need to have some fun.  Loosen up.  And I know you’ve heard it before but you look seriously hot in that dress.  We haven’t been dancing in forever.  Please!!!!”  Now he’s the one begging.  There’s no way I can deny him when he looks at me like that.  

As soon as we arrive, I know exactly why Gavin was so insistent that we come out.  “You really get around
, don’t you?”  I say to Brett as he pulls back the rope to let us through.  He smiles and gives Gavin a smack on the ass.  I guess that means things are still going well between them.  “So I guess asking you why we’re here would be kind of a dumb question then, huh?”  I elbowed him in the ribs lightly. 

“Okay enough abusing me.  I need to drink and I need to dance.  And I happen to know that you also need both those things so let’s go.”

After downing our drinks, Gavin grabs my hand dragging me onto the dance floor.  I’m actually really enjoying myself.  It’s good to let go.  I let my body move to the music, feel it run all the way through me.  Gavin points behind me, smiling.  My heart surges with hope.  I don’t know why I expected it to be Ian; I felt none of the familiar pull but maybe that’s because of our separation.  I whirl around hopefully but the face that greets me isn’t the one I wanted desperately to.  “Hey, Tyler.  What are you doing here?”  I put a smile back on my face but am sure he saw it falter. 

“Don’t look so disappointed.  I saw you out here and had to co
me get myself a dance.”  Tyler’s going for nonchalant and has a small smile but I definitely hurt his feelings with my reaction.  Rather than try to explain my reaction, I spin around and press my back against his hard chest.  He wraps his arms around my waist rather than just setting his hands on my hips.  Our bodies move in unison to the music.  My eyes close of their own accord and I can almost imagine that it’s Ian behind me.  When I open them however, reality crashes in and smashes my lovely dream to pieces.

“Lauren, ever since that first time we danced together, I have wanted to do it again.”  Tyler whispers seductively into my ear, his breath is hot and heavy.  I’m so not ready for any of this right now.  I want to dance and that’s all. 
I have been clear with Tyler from the beginning; well, since he started training me, that I want to be his friend and nothing more.  So I don’t respond to his comment and keep dancing. 

After a few more songs, I let Tyler know that I need another drink and make my way to the bar.  “So what’ll it be?” 
Tyler shouts at me over the noise.

I just want to let loose.  I look
mischievously at Tyler, “How about some tequila shots?”  He raises his eyebrows at me then with a smirk, hails the bartender. 

“Four shots of silver Patron,” he shouts over the music.  I watch as the bartender pours our drinks and sets out the salt and lime.  The tequila is so cold the glasses are frosting over.  Tyler picks up two, handing me one and then holds up his for a toast.  “To tonight and getting to dance with you again.”  A smile plays at the corners of his mouth before he brings the glass to his lips and downs the tequila.  I do the same.  The warm burn slides down my throat into my belly.  I welcome the feeling, embrace it even.  Anything just to feel something other than the hurt.  I pick up the other two shots and give him one indicating I have a toast of my own. 

“I second your toast and add, to whatever the future may bring.”  After drinking down the second shot, we stand there just looking at each other.  Suddenly, it seems like the bar has gotten really crowded.  Our bodies are pressed up against each other; I feel his chest rise and fall with each breath.  There is no space between us.

“Lauren?”  Tyler breathes out my name almost like a question before wrapping his arms around my waist and lifting me so his lips meet mine.  For a brief moment I relish in the heat of his kiss, the feel of his tongue on my lips; then I’m crushed by the reality of the situation.  I struggle in his arms, trying to break the kiss and put some space between us. 

“Tyler, I’m sorry.  I just can’t.  I’m not ready.”  That seems to be the understatement of the year.  “I really am sorry.  I’m honestly not sure I’ll ever be ready.”  He places me back on the floor.  A part of me wants to wrap my arms around his neck and pull him back into the kiss, to press my body more tightly up against his.  Why can’t I do that?  Why can’t I just jump into the arms of this wonderful man in front of me?  Why do I have to be in love with someone who doesn’t love me?  I don’t know the answers to any of these questions.  But I know that it wouldn’t be fair to either of us for me to do this with Tyler; my heart still firmly belongs to Ian and always will.  “I know we’ve been spending a lot of time together.  But I love Ian.”

“I won’t pretend to understand, Lauren.  I just… I’ve wanted you for so long and then you came looking for me at the gym…  He’s been gone
for a while now with no contact what so ever.  If that’s not a brush off, I have no idea what is.  How long are you going to wait?”  He’s hurt and angry.  My guilt and shame for having allowed things to get this far are smothering me.

And he just asked the million dollar question.  How long would I wait?  Unfortunately the answer to that question comes all to
o easy.  “I guess the only way to answer that is with the truth.  Truth is I’ll wait forever; however long it takes I’ll be here waiting for him.  Whether he wants me anymore or not when he returns is up to him but I’ll be here until he decides and tells me himself.”  Tyler leans down and kisses my cheek. 

“Why couldn’t I have met you first?  Then you would be mine.”  He tries to smile but it doesn’t reach his eyes; in fact
, it fades almost as soon as it begins.  “Lauren, I really should get going and let you get back to Gavin.”  I understand his need to leave and feel bad that I’m the cause of his pain. 

I hug him again. “Tyler, I really am sorry.”

“I know.  I just have bad timing when it comes to you.  See you Monday for our session.”  In just a few giant strides, he’s out the door before I even have time to respond.

Great, now I can add guilt to my pain.  Only one thing to do in this situation.  I order up a couple more shots.  They aren’t usually my thing but this night isn’t going to let me off easy. 

As I wait for them, I look around for Gavin.  I’m sure he isn’t far off.  I spot him talking with someone on the other side of the dance floor near the VIP section.  Gavin has a clear view of me; he probably did that on purpose.  My view is slightly blocked by a column and I can’t quite see who he’s talking to.  I wave when he turns my direction and smile at him so that he knows I’m okay.  I’m not sure if he sees me or not but then his lips curl up in a smile and he waves back.

I down
the shots and move in his direction.  He’s in deep conversation with someone but with my fuzzy head, I still don’t know who it is.  I watch Gavin as I make my way through the sea of bodies.  A couple guys push into me and try to get me to dance but I just keep moving.  Gavin’s face suddenly goes from smiling to a scowl as I get closer.  Then his companion turns, I catch a brief glance of his profile before he walks away.  I want to sprint across the floor but the people and the alcohol impede my progress. 

“Oh my god Gavin, was that Ian?  Where did he go?”  I stagger into Gavin’s arms.

“Whoa, slow down darling, I think you have a certain hot boss on the brain and have had a few too many shots.  I saw that whole exchange by the way.”  He wiggles his finger toward the bar.  “Poor Tyler. Is he okay?”  He gives me a conspiratory smirk.  I just roll my eyes and shake my head.  The situation with Tyler is entirely my fault.  Tyler’s so nice and genuine but I truly feel nothing for him but friendship.  Gavin smiles again but it doesn’t reach his eyes.  Something must be going on but then again I did just have four, or was it six, shots of tequila.  Now I’m seeing Ian everywhere even though he isn’t there.  “Come on darling.  Let’s get you home before you pass out.”