Into the Flames (Out of the Ashes #2) (3 page)

Three weeks!  Three fucking weeks!   Three lonely, awful weeks!  That’s how long it’s been since I woke up in the hospital.  That’s how long I’ve been without Ian.  That’s how long I’ve been dying inside.  And that’s how long it’s been official that Lauren Carmichael… I mean, I am very much alive.

In the hospital, m
y attending physician, Dr. Somers, told me that I had a concussion and I was in shock when they brought me in.  They kept me sedated for the first 24 hours to make sure I didn’t have any swelling or bleeding in my brain.

I spent the next couple of days explaining the attack to the police and to my new therapist.  If one good thing has come out of this, it’s that I’m finally getting the help I need.  I’m finally able to open up and talk to someone about how my mother treated me and what Dean has done to me.

Then there has been the press.  Apparently coming back from the dead is a big deal, especially for a millionaire heiress.  Everyone wants to know why I did it, where I’ve been, what I’ve been doing.  Thankfully the hospital and Gavin kept all the piranhas at bay and I’ve had time to focus on healing.  It was about a week after I got out of the hospital that most of them disappeared from the front of Gavin’s apartment building.  Thank God! 

Once they were mostly gone, I was able to get out and resume my running therapy.  In addition to my meetings with Dr. Reeves, running has been the only place I find solace.  I push myself farther and harder as I think through everything that led me here.

Marlene and Claire have been diligent, visiting and taking me out to lunch when I feel up to it.  Marlene is constantly trying to reassure me.  “I promise it’ll be alright.  Just give him some time.  You’ll see.  He’ll come back.  He’s just in shock right now and struggling with what he thought he knew and his feelings for you.  Plus there’s all the fallout from the situation with Dean.  I wish you could’ve felt comfortable enough to tell us but I understand.  He’ll see in time that you’re the same woman that he fell in love with.”  Marlene’s always been so straightforward and I want nothing more than to believe her words but it all feels so hopeless.  I feel guilty for not confiding in him, in all of them sooner.  Only I know the consequences of that and I couldn’t, expose them to that.  I’ll always miss Ian, always dream of the future we could have, should have had; but there’s no point in fighting it now.  The emptiness that he left behind consumes me; it’s an ache that will never be filled, never be healed.

While I’m completely broken in many ways, my resolve hardens.  I’m done running.  No one will hold me down again.  I’ll fight him.  I’ll finally stand up to Dean and take back what’s mine.  There was a time when that man was my world.  I would have done and did do anything to please him.  I lost myself in the process; I died.  Lauren died.  Honestly, I wasn’t exactly sure who I was anymore.  Yes, I was still Lauren but I was Celeste now too.  Celeste was strong, knew what she wanted and was tired of hiding.  Lauren was still scared but even she now knew that life had to go on and she had to start fighting for what she wanted though she would never have the thing that she truly desired ever again.  I will fight him with my dying breath.  Even if I lose, and I know I will, I’ll at least die fighting for the man I love, though
there’s a good possibility he no longer loves me.

Gavin has been my rock and my refuge in all of this.  He took me back in or rather helped have all my things moved from the house I shared with Ian back to the apartment.  I broke down several times as boxes were carried in and was in no shape to actually go over to the house to help pack my things.  I spent the day on my bed, soaking my pillow in tears.  I don’t know what I would have done without Gavin.  He rarely left my side at the hospital.  He has been home caring for me almost night and day since I returned.  I hate to think about the tol
l I’m taking on his work and social life.  I know it’s selfish of me but I can’t function without him right now.  I need someone to lean on and for me; Gavin is the only one.  Ian would have been the one but…  Well, I don’t want to think about that right now.  Dr. Somers was adamant that I rest my brain.  No excessive reading or watching TV; nothing that would really stress my brain, just rest, is what he told me.  I’ve tried to follow orders as best I can. 

I’d thought about getting a place of my own when I left the hospital but Gavin would not
even let me think of it.  “Gav, I’m so sorry that you have to deal with all this.  It can’t be easy for you.  I don’t blame you with the media circus and everything if you don’t want me to come back and live with you.”

“Stop it.  I won’t listen to anoth
er word of that dribble.  You’ll come home to our apartment and we’ll eat bad Chinese, get drunk and go dancing.  Once you’re feeling better that is.  And there’s nothing you can say to stop that.”  Gavin’s so great to try to cheer me up.  He knows I need someone to lean on and without Ian, well, I don’t know what I would do without Gavin.

My schedule has consisted of wake,
run, lay in bed, go for an evening run on the days I don’t meet with Dr. Reeves and then home to shower and go to bed for the night.  It wouldn’t have been too much of a stretch to say I was depressed.  It was so great to have Dr. Reeves to talk to.  Was it a cure all? No.  Did it stop the ache in my chest?  No.  But Dr. Reeves helped me process everything.  Before I left the hospital, Dr. Somers insisted I have a professional to talk to about everything that had happened and introduced me to Dr. Reeves.  When I first met with him, I didn’t think I would ever be comfortable enough to share my story with him.  Hell, I couldn’t share it with the people that were closest to me, how would I share it with a complete stranger?  But I guess that’s what makes him the professional.  From day one, I shared my life with him and he helped me walk through what it all meant for my future.

I’ve tried to contact Ian.  The 100s of voicemails that probably went un
-listened to, the texts that are too numerous for me to even fathom, daily emails and calls to his office and the house attest to the fact that I wanted to talk with him.  Everything went unanswered.  I still remember the pain in his voice from that brief time in the hospital.  He was broken.  I’d done that to him.  I wanted to wrap him in my arms, but couldn’t even manage to open my eyes.  I wanted to plead with him, to explain everything, to tell him it was the only way to protect him, to let him know that I planned to tell him everything that night before Dean came to the door.  I just wanted to stop him from leaving.  I remember hearing the door close and the knowledge that there was no going back hit me full force.  Ian’s gone and I’m left here.  Alone.

Nightmares have plagued me
almost nightly since the attack.  I’m hopeful that therapy will help alleviate them if not stop them all together.  I know they are a manifestation of my fear but I really don’t want to be afraid anymore.  Most nights Gavin has either had to calm me after the nightmare or sleep in my room because I can’t bear to be alone afterward.

Only once do we talk about Dean being at the hospital.  Gavin said he looked like he was studying me.  He didn’t make any move to touch me but kept mumbling about coming back to him, be
ing with him, loving him.  It’s hard to come to grips with the fact that Dean is essentially two people, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde if you will.  There’s the one side that actually seems to care for me but it’s more the kind of care that a master has for his pet.  Then there’s the sadistic side, the side that reveled in my pain; the side that only wants to take, take from me, take from my father, take everything and that would kill me in the process.  That Dean was the one I had come to know so well after our engagement.  I tried so many times to break things off with him; either he would convince me to come back or force me to with threats, eventually I thought my fate was sealed. I had no idea anyone could be so cruel, evil.  But Dean showed me time and again that I had no idea what real evil was until him. 

After about a week, I need something else in my routine.  “Gav, could I come to the gym with you this afternoon?  I’m thinking about joining.”  Gavin’s face breaks out in a surprised smile.

“Babe, of course that would be wonderful.  It’ll be great to finally have a consistent workout partner.  Brett’s work schedule is so hit and miss that I’m lucky to get to see him more than twice a week and there’s hardly ever time for the two of us to get a workout in together.  Plus you and I can drool over all the eye candy together.  Brett cramps my style when it comes to that.”  He winks at me.  I love that Gavin is still so easy going with me.  I worried for a long time that changing who I was or becoming who I used to be, however you want to look at it, would change how Gavin saw me.  But nothing could have been further from the truth.  Gavin was the only bit of normalcy in my crazy world.

Even Marlene
dropped a bomb of her own at lunch last week. 

~

“Lauren, dear, I must say I have a confession of my own to make.  Well, you see… Gosh, I’m really not sure how to say this.”  This is something new; Marlene at a loss for words but I guess after everything I put them through these last few days, it’s more than understandable.  “Well, I’ve never been one to mince words so I’ll just come out with it.  You see, dear, I already knew.”  I know my face shows my complete confusion.  What did Marlene know?  “I didn’t know immediately when I saw you that day with Gavin but when we were doing the fitting, I noticed a birth mark on your hip.  I’d seen it before but I couldn’t place who you were.  It took me a little while but I knew I knew you from somewhere.  Then when I was talking with Claire about the girl that I was sure my son was somehow already in love with, you” she said as if she needed to clarify it for me, “she mentioned the time he met Lauren.  And well, I couldn’t help but see the similarities.  He was never drawn like that to anyone before her or since.  But I’m getting ahead of myself and that’s Ian’s story to tell, not mine.  Let’s just say that was all it took for me to realize exactly who you were, are.” 

Well
, aren’t we all full of surprises lately?  I should have realized that there would be no fooling Marlene.  After all she had designed and done so many dress fittings for me before I was 15 that I felt closer to her than some of my best friends.  But I didn’t immediately recognize her so her memory must be considerably better than my own. 

Marlene has been absolutely wonderful to me throug
hout my recovery and I always knew that she would listen and be there for me if I needed anything.  Even if that was discussing my relationship with her son.  It probably should have been weird talking to her about our relationship, or at this point lack there of, but Marlene, frank as always, would just say what’s on her mind.  “Dear, I know it’s hard.  And I’m definitely not making excuses for him because frankly he’s being an ass again.  But I do understand that he needs some time to sort out his feelings.  He’s very confused.  I’m sure if you just give him some time he’ll come around, dear.  Just be patient with him.  I know he loves you.”

“Marlene, I know all that and I’m not going anywhere.  I need Ian and that will never change.  I just hope he can forgive me for deceiving him.”

~

As the end of
the third week approaches, I feel myself slipping further into the depression that has threatened me since I woke up in the hospital without Ian.  Daily life is a struggle for me.  I want nothing to do with the outside world.  I’ve shut myself away; hardly leaving my room.  Gavin has to drag me to my therapy appointments; even running and the gym hold little appeal for me.  I want to stay in the bubble that I created for myself with thoughts of his love and protection.  Some days imagining him coming back to me is the only thing that could pull me from my bed. 

As if starting my life over without Ian isn’t bad enough, I torture myself further by Googling him relentlessly.  The first day home when I called and he refused to call me back or talk to me, I set up Google alerts on him.  Wanting to know what was going on in his life even if I wasn’t part of it anymore.  Believe me, my stalker tendencies were not only fodder for Gavin but my therapist was having a hay day with them as well.  Something about my mother and fear of abandonment, but I didn’t want to think about that shit.  I had Dean to deal with and that’s more than enough for now.

Just when I was ready to let the world open up and swallow me whole, just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, my Google alert pinged.  Gavin warned me.  He told me not to look.  “You know what vultures those paparazzi can be.  They twist everything.  It’s always all smoke and mirrors.”

“Smoke and mirrors but behind them are the truth.  I just need to see him.  To know he’s okay.
”  Grabbing my Mac book, opening the sleek silver top, I immediately log in.  Part of me knows I shouldn’t.  My brain’s screaming at me to stop but I have to know.  So many weeks without any information have left me desperate.  I should’ve been more prepared for what greeted me.  I mean it had been three weeks; I should have expected it but I’m gutted none the less.

Oh my god!  There he is.  God, he
looks beautiful, smiling and laughing.  His eyes are shining as he looks down at the woman in his arms.  The woman who’s obviously not me.  She’s strikingly beautiful.   Tall, slender, aristocratic, if an American can be called such.  They look so comfortable together.  Like they’ve been together their whole lives. I feel the knife in my chest twist just as my stomach convulses violently.  I almost don’t make it to the bathroom before losing it.  Seeing him with someone else like that makes me physically ill.