Into the Fire (11 page)

He reached over and patted her hand. “That sounds more like running away than a solution, Ally.”

“Maybe. Maybe it’s just too hard being in the same town. It can feel awfully small around here.”

Ernie sighed. “Well, whatever you decide, we’ll support you. And first thing is going to be buying you breakfast. Seems to me you always liked the ham and egg panini here.”

The thought of it made her stomach growl. The two slices of frozen pizza were long gone and she was suddenly starving. “It’s a deal,” she answered, reaching for the door handle.

Ally knew she couldn’t put the talk off. Chris had said he loved her. She’d honestly thought she could handle it all this time, but she’d been wrong. Her dad might call it running away, but she knew leaving was best. Otherwise they’d just be torturing each other, wouldn’t they?

Chris was in a private room for the night, awake, alert and finishing up his dinner when she walked in. The room smelled of cafeteria food, and she saw remnants of mashed potatoes on his plate.

His arm was wrapped but not casted, and he had it elevated in a sling as he sat up in bed, still in the hospital johnny shirt. The bruise on his cheek had deepened to a nasty purple, and there was a cut on his forehead. But the smile on his face when she walked in lit up the room. Her heart gave a welcome leap at the sight of it, but was soon chased off with despair over what she’d ultimately come to say.

“I didn’t expect to see you tonight,” he said, pushing the tray away awkwardly. “How’s Moose?”

“He’s had a long walk followed by a shameful number of treats. I’ll go over and let him out again before I go home, but do you think he’ll be all right overnight?”

“I’ll be home in another twenty-four hours if all goes right,” he answered. “He’ll be okay for one night, I think.”

“I’d take him home with me if I could.”

“I know that.” He patted the bed. “Come sit down.”

She pulled a chair close to the bed instead, and saw the moment his eyes grew wary.

“This isn’t going to be good, is it?” he asked.

She paused, unsure of how to start. But she didn’t expect Chris’s anger to flare.

“Goddammit, Ally. If it was always going to be like this, why the hell did you let things go as far as they did?”

“I don’t know,” she answered. But she did know. Because she’d wanted him so much. Because she’d fooled herself into believing it was okay.

“Do you love me?” he asked.

“Don’t ask me that,” she replied, staring at the bed sheet. “Loving you has never been the problem.”

“It was okay until this.” He lifted his bandaged arm a bit. “Hell, it’s just a broken arm. I’m going to be fine.”

She looked up. “This time.”

“You never wanted me to become a firefighter. You told me that you couldn’t marry me because you didn’t know what you wanted, but what you meant was you didn’t want me.”

“That’s not true!”

“Ally,” he said gently, “Why do you think I came back here and volunteered rather than going somewhere else with a bigger, paid department? I wanted to be near you.”

“Then that was your mistake,” she replied.

“Most of the time there isn’t even any danger,” he said. “You’d give up on us because of
this
?”

“You don’t understand,” she whispered.

“Then make me. Because if you’re walking out the door again, it’s going to be for good. I can’t go on this way. I at least deserve to know why.”

The words hurt her deep down inside, an ache that spread from the very centre of her. “This morning you talked about that call you were on this summer. The one where the girl died.”

“It was a terrible call. The kind that haunts you for a long time.”

“That’s right. But once the accident scene was over, your job was done. You didn’t have to notify the family that their daughter was dead. You weren’t on the other side of the door, hearing the knock, seeing the uniforms. You didn’t have to listen to the words. But I did, Chris. I did when Becca drowned. You didn’t have to watch that girl’s family be torn apart. And I
was
one of those families. So while from the outside my fear might seem slightly irrational, let me say right now that once you’ve been through something like that you’d do anything not to go through it again.”

“I know Rebecca’s death had to be hard…but I’m not her, Ally.”

“And yet last night I heard the knock on the door and I saw the uniform. What do you suppose went through my mind?” She couldn’t stop the tears forming at the corners of her eyes. Even now, the feelings of fear and helplessness and shock came back to her. That empty despair wasn’t a feeling someone forgot. It was so tied to memory that all she had to do was think about it and it was there again, ruthless and unforgiving.

“You thought I was dead.”

“And it was ten times worse.”

“Because you love me?”

She swallowed, hard. Could she say it? What was the point? This was it. Wouldn’t it be better if she kept that tiny tidbit to herself?

“Because I knew what was coming.”

He clamped his lips together. It wasn’t what he’d wanted to hear. She was glad she hadn’t confessed her feelings. It would only have given him ammunition to change her mind.

“What if I quit?”

She swiped at the moisture at her eyes and lifted her chin. “What?”

“I said, what if I quit? I have a business to keep me going. If I quit the department, what would you say then?”

Hope gave a tiny flutter. He’d do that for her? And then she remembered the day she’d given him back his ring.
You’re asking me to give up my dream
, he’d said, and his voice had been ripe with resentment. If he quit now, it would be because of her. It was utterly unfair, especially considering how he’d supported her following her dreams.

She shook her head. “You love it. You won’t quit.”

“Maybe I love you more, Ally.”

He was making it so difficult, but she knew she couldn’t make him give up what he loved to make her happy. “You’d be miserable and you’d resent me for it. I know you, Chris. And this is all my fault. I take full responsibility. I thought I could handle it and I was wrong. Better to end it now before it really gets started.”

“Before it really gets started?” Incredulity was painted on every word. He sat up straighter in the bed. “Shit, Ally. After yesterday, how can you say that? If that wasn’t getting started…it’s way too late for that now. Well, maybe you’re right. Maybe it is better this way. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…”

He was hurt, and she knew it, which was the only reason why she didn’t reply with sharp words of her own.

He sat back against the pillows. “I would have supported you in whatever you wanted to do. I would have done anything to make it happen. Even if it meant waiting for you. Do you get that? But you’re not willing to give me that same support, and I can’t accept anything less. I need a partner, Ally. Someone by my side.”

He turned his head away.

She was sure it wasn’t possible to feel any lower than she already did. She wanted to promise him all the things he wanted but she couldn’t, not with a clean conscience. She couldn’t say it just because it was what he wanted to hear. There was a difference between the truth and what she wanted to be the truth. And she didn’t like what the truth was saying about her.

“I’m sorry, Chris.”

“Not as sorry as I am.”

It was salt in the wound, but what could she expect?

“I’ll look after Moose until you get home.”

He didn’t answer.

“Chris…” But she couldn’t think of anything else to say. She got up and went to the door. She was nearly out when his voice stopped her.

“Ally.”

She stopped but couldn’t make herself turn around. She didn’t want him to see her with tears in her eyes.

“What you felt last night…it’s just about what I felt the day of the shelter fire, when I stepped in that room and saw you. I was terrified something was going to happen to you. You of all people know that tragedy can strike at any time, no matter what your job. It can’t stop us from living in the time we have.”

But it didn’t mean a person had to tempt fate either.

Before she could change her mind, Ally walked the rest of the way out the door.

Would this day never end?

Ally was
this close
to falling apart when she arrived home. All she wanted was a hot bath and some fuzzy pyjamas and a chance to forget the last twenty-four hours.

Instead, what she got was her mother sitting at the kitchen table.

As soon as Ally walked in the door, she knew something was up. It was in the air, a sort of tension that meant a special chat was coming. A chat that she wasn’t exactly up for.

“Mom.”

“Ally. Have you come from the hospital?”

“Yeah.” She moved to go past the kitchen and towards the back hall, but her mother stopped her.

“And how’s Chris?”

Ally swallowed past a lump in her throat. She really didn’t want to do this now. “He’s good. Probably be out tomorrow.”

“You broke up with him, didn’t you?”

Cripes, did the woman have radar or something? Ally turned back and faced her mother, praying for the strength to get through one more difficult conversation today. “We were never really together, so we couldn’t really break up.”

“Oh, bullshit.”

Ally’s mouth dropped open.

Judy raised her eyebrows. “Allison Gallant, you are a smart girl, so it makes no sense that you would be so stupid as to let that man get away twice.”

“Since when am I smart?”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake. You’ve always been smart. Smarter than you gave yourself credit for. Why on earth do you think we used to get so frustrated with you? You seemed so bent on wasting your potential.”

“Becca had all the potential.”

“You’re not Becca. You had it all on your own. Both our girls were smart and capable.” Her lip quivered a little. Speaking about Becca was never easy. “I know you talked to your dad this morning. I know it’s harder to talk to me. I get emotional.” She gave a little laugh. “Losing Becca was a nightmare. Then there were the teenage years with you, and the worry that went along with it. Just when I thought things were turning around, you broke off your engagement with Chris and, well, menopause has kicked my butt. I’ve struggled, Ally. I’m not the rock that your father is. But it doesn’t mean I loved you any less or that I didn’t notice things. When the shelter burned, I was scared out of my wits for you. And then Chris was back on the scene and I thought the fire was a blessing in disguise. Things started coming together for you.”

“But that night in the driveway…you sounded almost angry at catching us.”

“Worried. Because as much as I wanted things to work out for you, I could see this coming.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry now.”

Her mother turned in her chair. “Ally, you’re a big girl and you can make your own decisions. But you changed when Becca died too, and last night must have been difficult for you. I just want you to remember one thing. Even though the worst thing in my life was to lose her, I wouldn’t trade those years with her for anything.”

“Oh, Mom.” Ally stepped forward and knelt by her mother’s knees. “Me either. I just miss her. Wonder what she’d be like right now. It feels so wrong being alone when it should have been the two of us. She should have grown up to get married. I would have been her bridesmaid. She would have made me an auntie.”

“I know.” They both sniffled in the quiet of the kitchen. “But trust me, Ally. It makes a big difference having someone you love help you through the rough spots.”

“You and Dad?”

“Maybe we didn’t always show it, but he has always been there for me. Our marriage wouldn’t have lasted through it all if we hadn’t really loved each other. I’d hate to see you throw that away.”

“I’m so scared,” she admitted. “I love him. How could I bear ever losing him?”

Judy had no answer. She just put her arms around Ally and squeezed.

Chapter Seven

When one of his department buddies dropped him off at home, Chris was surprised to see Ally’s car in the driveway. Moose was tied outside and leaped up at his arrival, tail wagging.

“Hey, boy,” he said, moving carefully. His arm was in a sling but it was still tender and he had to be careful not to bump it. His gaze fell on a blue lump over by his shop. Upon examination, he found his fence supplies had been delivered—bags of concrete, six-by-six posts and a massive pile of lumber. It was covered with a couple of tarps. Who had thought to do that? He appreciated it, but he frowned. He couldn’t build a fence with one arm. And by the time he could, the ground would likely be frozen. It’d have to wait until spring.

It was odd that Ally hadn’t come outside, but perhaps she hadn’t heard the car. Or she wasn’t expecting him and was avoiding talking to him. After yesterday, he couldn’t possibly be surprised. She’d made her feelings pretty clear.

He straightened and realized the lights were on in his shop. What the…