Instant Daddy (16 page)

Jessie shot her mom a look. “You’re my mother. Of course you think that.”

“It’s not the only reason, dear. I’ve prayed for wonderful things for you your whole life, and God always answers my prayers.”

“Your mom’s right,” Maggie said. “I’ve known since I was about two that Jessica Chandler was the twin with the heart. The one who’d give me a hug when I fell on the playground. The one who’d cry with me when my kitty died. The one who’d chew me out for goofing up, then follow with a silly grin.”

Tearing up again, Jessie squeezed her friend’s hand. “Stop it. You’re making me cry.”

“My point is I haven’t forgotten who you are…even if
you
have. You’re terrific. The real deal. That’s what Peter sees if he’s as smart as I think he is. So don’t give us any more of that settling stuff.”

Her dad gave her the look that made her feel like a kid again. “You don’t trust Peter.”

Jessie frowned. Peter had accused her of not trusting him, too. “How can you say that? Of course I trust him.”

Her dad held her gaze. “I don’t think you’ve trusted anybody. Certainly not Maggie, or your mother and me.”

She shook her head. “That’s not true.”

“Then why have you kept this big secret locked inside you for so long?”

“When I told Neil and Clarissa they were so disappointed and upset, I just couldn’t do that to you and mom or you, either, Maggie. You were all so worried about me as it was.”

“You could have told us, sweetheart,” Mom said.

Clearly, she’d made people she loved think she didn’t trust them. She’d hurt them. “I’m so sorry I hurt all of you.”

Her dad sighed. “You hurt yourself most of all. It’s not good to keep everything inside.”

She nodded. “After my injuries and the thing with Neil, everybody treated me like such a victim, I couldn’t stand it. Clarissa’s death made it even worse.”

“People care about you, Jess,” Mom said.

“But so much concern makes me feel like nobody thinks I can take care of myself anymore,” Jessie admitted.

Maggie squinted. “Nobody thinks that. You’ve
been nothing short of amazing after all you’ve been through.”

“Thank you.” Jessie tried to smile, but her heart wasn’t in it. “I don’t know what I’d do without you guys.”

Her mom hugged her. “I’ll pray for you and Peter and Jake, dear.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“For the record, we couldn’t be prouder of you or the way you’ve handled yourself. Never doubt that, Jess.” Her dad gave her a hug, then stood and exchanged looks with his wife and Maggie. “Let’s leave Jessie to her thoughts. Jess, when you’re ready to go home, take the van. We’ll get a ride.”

“Thank you.” She hugged Maggie and they all left. Pulling Peter’s jacket around her, his scent offered her a measure of comfort. She watched a lone firefly float around the gazebo as if it was as lost as she was.

Had she really been trying to protect people she loved from worrying about her? Was that why she hadn’t told them? Or had she been protecting herself? She let her mind drift back to all the things she’d faced after the accident.

She’d lost so much. The use of her legs for a while. Her dream of having a baby. Neil. Then Clarissa.

She closed her eyes against the truth. Her dad was right. She hadn’t trusted anybody. Was it because she’d told Neil, and he’d let her down? She didn’t think so. She wasn’t angry with Neil for that. She understood he couldn’t have done anything else. No, it wasn’t Neil she’d blamed for letting her down, was it?

She’d blamed God.

All those losses had made her distrust God. And if
she couldn’t trust Him, no wonder she couldn’t trust anyone else.

She bowed her head.
Father, please forgive me. I’ve made everything so much harder than it had to be, haven’t I? If I’d trusted You, would I have seen past my fears of losing Jake when You sent Peter into our lives? Would I have been so terrified of the mere thought of loving Peter? Would I have had the courage to be honest about who I am right from the beginning?

Where has all that fear and distrust gotten me? I love him, but I was so afraid of losing him, I kept the truth from him.

I’ve lost him anyway.

And I hurt him horribly. I’m so sorry.

Dawn was beginning to peek through the hospital windows as Peter ducked into the curtain-shrouded, glass cubicle of Scott’s intensive care unit. The small space smelled as if it could use a breath of fresh air.
He
sure could.

Eyes closed, Scott looked drawn and pale, but he wasn’t fighting for every breath like he had been all night.

Peter had just come from a phone consultation with Scott’s doctors. Unfortunately, they’d all agreed the experimental drug they’d been pinning their hopes on had to be stopped.

Failing was bad enough even when it didn’t affect somebody Peter loved. But failing Scott was unbearable on so many levels. And even worse, he needed to tell Scott the bad news.

Scott moaned in his sleep.

Peter touched his friend’s face. Still clammy.

“How goes it?” Scott kept his eyes closed.

Peter dragged a breath. “Looks like you’re kicking the pneumonia.”

“Good news.”

“Great news, I’d say.”

Scott squinted up at him. “I bet you look worse than I do.”

“Thanks.” Peter sighed. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here when they brought you in.”

Scott frowned. “You’re not responsible for me, Peter.”

“I’m partially responsible for taking care of you.” Throat closing, Peter laid his hand over his heart. “I’m responsible here.”

Tears filled Scott’s eyes. “You have a life now. Do you know how much joy that gives me? How’s Jake?”

“He’s great.”

“Jessie?”

Peter flinched without meaning to.

“What’s wrong?”

Peter shook his head, unwilling to discuss private issues between him and Jessie. The vision of her huddled in the gazebo would haunt him forever. And he was still struggling with her admission. Of all the things she could possibly have been withholding from him, being unable to have a baby hadn’t even made his list.

“I listen easier than I talk,” Scott nudged.

Peter hesitated, but he couldn’t remember ever needing to talk to his friend more. And when words began pouring out, he couldn’t seem to stop them until he’d pretty much laid out the problem.

His declaration of love. Jessie’s insistence there could be nothing between them. Finally, her confession. And her sending him away.

“You love her,” Scott said.

“Yes.”

“Does she love you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Seems like it’s up to her to make the next move.”

“I’m not sure she will.”

“Don’t sell yourself short. You’re turning into quite a charming fellow, you know.”

Peter laughed in spite of himself. “Now, that’s a resounding endorsement.”

“How do you feel about never having that dozen or so little Jakes?”

Peter swallowed. “Disappointed. Angry.”

“How are you going to come to terms with it?”

“I honestly don’t know.”

“Aw, you’re awake. What’s happening with my two favorite men?” Walking into the room, Karen met Peter’s eyes.

“We’re doing great, my love.” Scott extended his hand for her to grasp.

Maybe not so great. Sadness overwhelming Peter, he had to admit he’d been counting on the drug he’d had a huge part in developing to help Scott as much as Scott and Karen had. He blew out a breath and decided there was no reason to put off laying things on the line now that Karen was here. “I just came from a phone consultation with the doctors.”

“And?” Karen prodded.

Peter met her eyes, then Scott’s. “They’re convinced the experimental drug is too hard on your immune system.”

Scott gave a nod. “They’re stopping it?”

Karen pressed her fingers to her lips.

“I’m sorry. But I agree with them,” Peter said.

Scott closed his eyes. “Thanks for giving it a try. I’m
glad the drug’s helping others. Maybe the next one will work for me.”

“I hope so,” Peter said, the realization hitting him that he no longer had the countless hours for research he’d once had. The countless hours it would take to develop one of the other drugs he’d been working on in time to help Scott.

“Never give up,” Scott declared.

“Your motto?” Peter asked through a tight throat.

Scott gave him a tired smile. “Absolutely.”

Tears blurring his vision, Peter left Scott in Karen’s loving arms and discreetly walked out of the room. In the quiet hall, he leaned against the wall, an avalanche of grief and failure threatening to take him under.

He was losing everybody he cared about. Scott. Karen. Jessie. Even Jake in a way. The pain was overwhelming. He’d done his best and still, he’d failed them all in one way or another. They were in so much pain, and he didn’t know how to help them. Right now, he couldn’t even help himself.

Jessie’s quiet words nudged his mind.
All I was able to do was say God’s name…and somehow, He was there. Comforting. Easing the pain. Making me stronger.

Blowing out a breath, Peter pushed himself off the wall and strode down the hall. He had too much to talk over with God to do it in a hospital corridor.

Reaching his car in the almost-deserted lot, he folded into the seat, pulled the door shut and dropped his head in his hands.
It’s Peter Sheridan again, God. I’m not doing so great. I need You to take care of Scott and Karen. And Jake.
His throat felt tight.
And Jessie.

And I need You to take care of me. Please show me how to help the people I love. Time is running out for
Scott. And I can’t devote myself entirely to work on the next drug that could help him. That doesn’t mean I won’t be dedicated, but Jake only has one dad. Please help me get more comfortable relying on others in the lab to carry a heavier load. Show us and other scientists and labs ways to conquer ALS and diseases like it.

Jessie…. Her voice played in Peter’s memory.
I’m not all you think I am, Peter…I wish I was.

The truth hit him full force. She didn’t feel whole, or worthy of love. An ache settled in Peter’s chest. It was so wrong. All of it. The only way Jessie would feel whole was to have a baby. An impossibility. What an excruciating thing for her to live with.
God, I just don’t understand why the most loving, compassionate woman I’ve ever known can’t have the baby she wants. How could You let that happen to her?

He shook his head. He was probably doing this all wrong. Who was he to be asking God questions? Or letting his own frustration enter the mix?

But it was all he could do. At the moment, it was all he was capable of.
It’s just that she’s wonderful, God. She’s everything a woman and mother should be. But You know that. And as imperfect as I am, I thought maybe I could make her happy. But I don’t know anymore. I don’t know how to help her. But I love her, God. That has to count for something.

He scrubbed his hand over his face.
If You know me, You know I’m used to calling the shots. But in this, I can’t do it. I’m counting on You to lead the way with Jessie.

J
essie struggled to focus on Pastor Nick’s sermon, but her mind had its own agenda. Peter had called early this morning to tell her Scott was still in intensive care, but he’d improved enough for Peter to drive to Noah’s Crossing for a few hours. He said he needed to talk to her. Alone.

She’d been trying to prepare for seeing him ever since. At best, things between them would be strained. She couldn’t expect anything else. Would he be upset? Distant? Would he explain that now that he’d thought things over, he knew she wasn’t the one for him?
Oh, please, God, don’t let him think he needs to explain.

And Jake. Her breath caught in her throat. How could they go on sharing their son when they had so much between them they could never share? Peter had wanted partial custody in the beginning. Would he want it now?

She shook her head, unable to think about that possibility.

A stir in the aisle broke through her thoughts. She looked up to see Peter threading his way past people sitting in the pew alongside her with all the intensity she
loved about him. But he looked exhausted, unshaven, his white shirt and tux trousers rumpled. He’d probably spent the night in the hospital, then driven all this way to see her. In spite of her anxieties, a smile claimed her from deep inside.

He was here.

She shifted to allow him room beside her.

He met her eyes as he sat down, his gaze taking her in as if he needed to see her as much as she needed to see him. But she’d never seen him so tense. Clasping her hand, he bent to whisper in her ear. “Jessie, we need to talk.”

She could hear the strain in his voice. Heart aching, she squeezed his hand to let him know she was glad he was here, no matter what he had to say.

She loved having him beside her in church, even if she’d never know how they got through the rest of the service with the tension stretching between them. But they finally stood for the last hymn. As soon as the final note died away, Peter grasped her hand and took charge.

Guiding her around people, he dodged the line waiting to greet the pastor and took a side door outside. He hurried her through the crowded parking lot. “I left my car at the diner and jogged over.”

She realized they were heading for the shortcut through the park. Fearing the worst, the only thought that registered is how lucky she’d worn flat sandals today. She could almost keep up with his long strides.

Entering the shade of the trees, he slowed his pace. “Leaving you last night was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

“But you sent Maggie and my parents to take care of me. Thank you.”

He nodded.

“Scott is doing better?”

“His immune system can’t tolerate the experimental drug.”

“Oh, no. I know how hopeful you were.”

“Yes.” He searched her face. “It was rough telling him this morning.”

She nodded her understanding, her throat so tight she could barely breathe.

He stopped walking with a jolt and turned to her. “I can’t stop thinking about you. About how much courage it took for you to open up to me last night.”

“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you the truth sooner.”

Frowning, he reached out and smoothed her hair away from her face. “There’s no blame here, Jessie.”

“Thank you,” she whispered. His forgiveness felt good, but she had a long way to go before she could forgive herself.

“This morning, I remembered what you said about prayer helping you through your pain. I prayed all the way to Noah’s Crossing, and I realized I need to be honest about my feelings with you.”

The explanation she didn’t want. But if he needed to say it, listening was the least she could do. She owed him that and more. She met his eyes. “Go on.”

“I never should have said that whether you can have a baby or not doesn’t matter to me. It matters a great deal.”

Throat closing, she fought not to look away.

“I’m disappointed. And I’m angry you can’t have the baby you want so much.
We
want so much. That we can never share something so important to both of us.”

She nodded, unable to say anything.

“I won’t lie to you, Jessie. I want to see you swollen
and round with our baby inside you. I want you to feel our baby kick. I want to share our child’s birth with you. And all the firsts afterward.” Tears in his eyes, he stroked her cheek.

He was such a beautiful man. He deserved all those things, even if they could never happen with her. Unable to see his pain any longer, she closed her eyes. “You don’t need to say any more, Peter.”

“I need you to understand. I want all those things for
us.
I don’t want them with anybody but you. Only with you.”

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

“I’m sorry we can’t share those important things. But it doesn’t change the way I feel about you. It just makes me realize how much I need to be with you.”

She sighed, her heart too heavy to do anything else.

“Jessie, I’m so in love with you, I want to share everything with you. I want to celebrate the little family we already have.

“And I need to mourn our loss with you.”

“
Our
loss?” She stared into his eyes.

He nodded, his eyes glistening with emotion. “Yours and mine.” He looked at her with so much love, she was blinded by it.

Until this moment, she hadn’t known what she needed to hear. He understood all he was giving up. All she’d been forced to give up. He understood and shared the loss. The weight on her heart easing, she opened her arms to him.

He folded her gently in his embrace.

He felt wonderful—strong and steady and sure. Tears filling her eyes, she gave herself over to the magic of
being in his arms. To the magic of possibilities she’d never dared contemplate.

He pulled back, but only long enough to dip his head and claim her mouth.

She had trouble catching her breath. She’d never felt so much all at once. Her feelings for him were overpowering.

Slowly ending the kiss, he smiled into her eyes. “My life is no longer my own, sweetheart. It belongs to you and Jake. And it is so good to be home.”

She hugged him closer.

“Will you marry me, Jessie?” he murmured in her ear. “Soon?”

“Yes. I will marry you. Very soon.” Her breath hitched, reality nudging her mind. Madison. His research. Scott and Karen.

Peter was an amazing man who dedicated his life to helping others. She was so fortunate to be loved and needed by such a man. She wanted to marry him and establish a home and family with him. He’d said she and Jake could continue to live in Noah’s Crossing.

But loving him called for sacrifices on her part and on his. Loving him meant she needed to open her heart and her life to him in every way. His words came back to her.
…Praying…not so much asking for what you want as asking to be changed in ways you can’t imagine.

Putting her trust in God and Peter, she leaned back to look up at him. “No matter how okay you are with Jake and me continuing to live in Noah’s Crossing, I’m not okay with it. I need to move to Madison with my family. You and Jake deserve nothing less. And neither do I.”

He frowned. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” She smiled. “It will be a whole new beginning.”

He kissed her forehead. “We’ll visit often. I promise.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

His crooked smile peeked through. “Does this mean you’ve finally come to your senses about me?”

“It means I love you, Peter Sheridan.” She stroked his jaw, his whisker stubble prickling her fingers. “And yes, I’m finally coming to my senses about you—about a lot of things. I’m so grateful God sent you to love us.”

His handsome face breaking into a grin, he bent and kissed her again.