Inconsolable (22 page)

Watching someone you love go through this stage in their life is one of the hardest things I have had to do.  For three weeks now I have watched Anna’s life in repeat mode.  She gets up in the mornings, takes a shower, goes to work then heads back home.  Some nights we make love, other nights she just wants to be left alone.  I have practically moved in with Anna, other than saying I actually reside here.  It’s not something we officially have said, but she doesn’t like to be alone anymore.  I can see that she is trying more than she realizes.  It was easier for me to see what happened because I have seen it several times before, only I didn’t watch my best friend take their own life. 

I walk into the shop Anna works at and smile when I see Garrett there.  We have all become very close since this happened.  I hate that he hasn’t been able to let go, but I don’t know what I would do if Anna were no longer here with me.  It would devastate me, destroy me.  My life would be dark, no sunshine to light it up. Garrett is sitting there getting his hair cut when Anna spots me in the waiting room.

“Hey babe!”

“Morning Beautiful.  I brought you some coffee,” I say as I walk into the room.  I hand Anna her coffee and notice that something is different.  I don’t see Brooklynn’s stuff in here.  “Where is Brooklynn?”

“She quit. Decided she was going to do something else. She doesn’t like working anyway.” Garrett replies and takes a sip of his own coffee.

“I’m kind of glad,” Anna says as she shakes the cape off of Garrett’s body.

“Thanks again,
Anna.  I don’t know what I’d do without the two of you,” he says before standing and wrapping her up in a hug.  He reaches his hand out for me to shake and I smile as I do.  I really do like Garrett, I just wish he liked my best friend.
I can’t blame him because I didn’t like his girlfriend. 

“Anytime.  Come for dinner soon?” She asks and he nods before handing her some cash and walking out the door.  She turns to me and wraps her arms around me.  “So what are you doing here?”

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I also wanted to make sure you got some coffee after what happened last night,” I say as I rub her back and she shudders.

“I… I’m sorry about that. I don’t know why that happened to me.”

“Baby, that’s normal.  I still do it sometimes.  When you experience something like that, night terrors are common.  I wish you would talk to Suzanne.  She may be able to help you if you would only let her,” I look down at her and I can see the fire behind her eyes the minute I say it.  She pushes me away before pacing back and forth in front of me. 

“There is nothing, NOTHING, wrong with me!  I’m not CRAZY!”  She yells at me running her fingers through her hair.  I reach back and shut the door, trying to not cause a bigger scene. 

“Anna, I never said there was anything wrong with you,” I wince as I see her ripping pieces of her hair out.  “You’ve seen something no one should see.” 

“GET OUT!  GET OUT!”  She yells and as much as I don’t want to leave her I know that I have to.  It’s what she needs. 

“Fine, I’m going home. If you need me call me, I won’t come back until you do.” I sigh and turn to leave. My heart breaks as she crumbles to the floor. I, of all people,
know this is what she needs to get better. You have to break before you reach where
you need to be. I just hope she doesn’t do all the things I did.

I get into my Rover and start to make my way to the house, but instead I turn and head to where Sam works.  I know Anna has been talking with Sam a lot more than she used to and I need someone to make sure she doesn’t go off the deep end, as well.  If she wants me to get away, I will give her the space she needs.  I pull the Rover into a parking space beside Sam’s Honda Accord, step out of the vehicle and make my way up to where Sam works.  I smile when I see her in there working with a guy missing one of his legs, I am in awe of this woman.  I don’t know everything but I know she’s been through a lot.  For someone to go through what she has and still be able to come out on top; that’s an amazing thing. She looks up and pats the guy’s legs. She tells him something and then heads toward me.

“Everything okay?” 

“No, not really.  It’s Anna, I need your help,” I look down at the ground.  “She, well, she woke up screaming last night.  This morning I told her she should try to talk to Suzanne, and she went crazy.  She yelled and told me to get out.  Sam, I want to be there for her, but she keeps pushing me away.  I’m going back home, but I need someone to watch over her.  I love her.  I don’t want her to hurt.” 

“Blake,” Sam says, as she places her hand on my shoulder. “You have to be patient. You went through something just like this, but I understand what you mean. Watching Jameson struggle with being whole again hurt me and we weren’t even together.”

“She doesn’t want me around, so I am going to give her what she wants.  I told her when she decides she wants me to be here I will, but until then I am going home,” I let out an exhale and reach for my cigarettes. 

“Thought you were quitting.” 

“Yeah, so did I. Stress makes you do stupid shit,” I mutter.

“Yeah, well remember what you just said. Anna is stressed. That’s hard for her,
Blake.  She watched her best friend put a bullet through her brain,” Sam gives me a sad smile.  “You know what she went through, what she’s going through, but I will keep an eye on her.  I promise.” 

“Thanks Sam,” I give her a hug before walking out of the office.  I’m not sure when I will be back to Hickory, but I sure hope Anna calls me before I go crazy.  I need Anna more than I need my next breath.  I light the cigarette that I have had in my hand for five minutes.  I jump into the Rover, put it in reverse as I exhale the smoke I just let flood my lungs, then make my way back to Adams.  Good thing I didn’t give up that lease on my apartment.  

~~~~~~~~~~

Two weeks and still nothing from Anna. I am starting to go crazy. If Kyle makes his appearance around here again I will definitely believe I have gone off the deep end. Sam updates me every day about Anna, how she’s coping or not really coping. She said she has been spiking her coffee with Bailey’s. I never pegged Anna as the drinking type, but I suppose I never pegged myself as the drinking type,
either.  I walk to the office dad has me working in these days, giving everyone a smile I don’t really feel, but I have become great at manipulating my own feelings.  Masking them, if you would. 

“Hey Son,” I hear dad say as I walk by his office. “Can you come in here for a moment?” 

Well hell, so much for masking my feelings today. Let’s get this over with. “Yeah Dad?” I ask as I walk into the office.

“Everything okay?  We haven’t heard about Anna in a few weeks.”  He gives me a sad smile, as if he knows we aren’t together anymore. 

“We are taking a break.  She’s having a hard time dealing with Mary-Beth’s death and she yelled at me to get out. I am giving her space like she asked.” I say then meet Dad’s gaze.  “I hope she calls soon.  I hate not being there.” 

“Well son, maybe you should try to be there again.  She needs you more than she thinks she does.  You leaving could make her back track,” he replies, rubbing his chin.  I realize my father is right.  Maybe my leaving drove her to drinking.
I have to get back to her.  “By the way, Frank says you can start next Monday.”  

“Frank?  In Baton Rouge?” I ask dumbfounded.  I forgot Dad asked him. 

“Yes, now go get Anna. I’m firing you,” he says with a grin on his face.

“I love you, Dad.” 

“You too, Son.  You too,” he says as he shakes my hand, then pulls me into a hug.  “Now, get the hell out of my office.  I have work to do.”

I walk out the office with a smile on my face and not one I have to fake.  It is a real smile, one that shows me there is a chance in life.  One that says, go get the women you love, it will all work out in the end.  Just as I am getting in the car to make my way to my apartment to grab the things I need to get to Anna, my phone chimes.  I look down to see a call coming through and seeing the name on the phone makes my insides do weird things.  My sunshine is calling. 

“Hello?”  I hear him say through the phone and I instantly start to sob.  I have missed him so much.

“Hey,” I say, shyly.  Not really sure what to expect from this phone call.   

“Hey Sunshine.” 

“Do…” I say with a shaky breath.  “Do you hate me?”

“I don’t.”  He says quietly.

“I… I want you to come back. I miss you,” I say as I cry softly.

“I’ll be there in two hours.  We can talk then.” He says and I let out a sob.  The way he says it makes me think we may not last.  We won’t be there together forever like I thought.  “And Anna.” He says softly.  “I love you.” 

I stare at the phone for a second realizing he’s hung up after he declares his love for me.  How could he love me?  I am a different person than the woman he fell for, but I want to be that woman.  I grab my keys to the car, run down the steps of the apartment and slide into the front seat.  I reverse the car and I make my way to the graveyard.  I have let Mary-Beth control so much of my life and while I will always miss her, I don’t want her to control my future.  I get to the cemetery, walk the few rows to Mary-Beth’s grave and kneel beside her headstone. 

“How could you be so selfish, Mary-Beth? How could you leave me here like this? How could you let me see you die like that? You should still be here!” I yell at the grave my best friend is encased in. I break down and realize this is what I’ve been needing. I needed to come here and say these things to her. I needed her to know that what she did wasn’t okay. I squeal when I feel a pair of arms go around me. I look up to see Garrett and I sob into his shirt.

“It wasn’t fair to any of us what she did.”  He says as my tears stain his shirt.  “Anna, look at me,” he says as he grabs my chin and pulls my face up to meet his.  His eyes are glossy and red rimmed as if he has been crying, as well.  “You have got to pull out of this, baby girl.  I love you, but I can’t stand to see you losing yourself.  I agree that Mary-Beth was selfish in doing this, but she wouldn’t want this for any of us.” 

“How can you be so sure?”  I sob and rest my head in his chest again.  I know that Brooklyn was wrong about Garrett.  He is an amazing man and an even more amazing father. 

“I just know that how Mary-Beth acted wasn’t truly Mary-Beth.  She was a very sad person who needed help.  If only I’d have gotten her help earlier, maybe she would still be here.  Since I couldn’t do it for her, I am going to do it for you,” he retorts then looks at me.  “Anna, you need to see someone before you turn down the same path Mary-Beth walked. You are too good for that and you have someone who needs you as much as you need him. Don’t let that go,
baby girl.” 

“Your right, Garrett.  I do need help.  I’m just afraid of people thinking I’m crazy.” 

“After what you saw, I’d say you’re handling it pretty well. Most people would be in a strait-jacket locked in a mental ward had they seen what you had.” 

“So I’m not crazy?” I ask him and he laughs softly.

“No, Anna you are not crazy,” he laughs again.  “If you let Blake slip out of your fingers, then I may say yes you are.  He loves you, don’t lose that.” 

With that Garrett kisses his fingers before sliding them over Mary-Beth’s headstone and walking away.  I watch him as he walks, going just as fast as he came.  For some reason, I don’t think he was here for Mary-Beth and I cannot help but smile at this fact.  I thought I was alone here in this world.  Let’s face it, my best friend left me.  In reality, I have many more people that care about me and one of them I won’t let slip through my fingers a second time. 

~~~~~~~~~~

I stop by the store on my way home, after applying some powder so my puffy eyes don’t look so puffy.  I grab a ponytail holder, pulling my long hair into a messy bun on my head, then walking into the grocery store.  My grandmother made this baked spaghetti when I was younger and I cooked it for Blake.  It was one of his favorite things I made, so I decided I was going to cook it for him today.  I grab the spaghetti sauce and the noodles, then make my way down the aisle to get the meat when my buggy crashes into someone else’s.  

“Oh gosh, I’m sorry!”  I say as my eyes meet Mason’s. 

“It’s okay Pip, just watch where you’re going.” He smirks and I grab him to pull him into a hug.

“Mase! How are you?” I ask as I let him go.

“I’m okay, how are you? I hear you have been having a rough month.” He appears to look sheepish which is exactly what he should. What is this everyone talk about Anna behind her back? Talking about how crazy she is?

“Yeah, I guess I have. I’m picking up some stuff to make baked spaghetti for Blake.” I say haughtily. It pisses me off to be the center of everyone’s gossip.

“Wow, Anna, I wasn’t trying to piss you off.  I was just saying.  It would be rough for anyone.  I love you girl.  Don’t be getting all feisty red head on me.”  He says as he pulls me in for another hug.  “I’m glad Blake’s back.  I like him.  He’s good for you.”  He smiles a genuine smile and I know he means what he says.