In the Stillness (5 page)

“Natalie, Honey, are you okay? You look pale.” My mom touched my wrist and all eyes were on me as I instinctively pulled away and edged my way through the crowd.
 

When I got to the other side of the well-wishers, Ryker wasn’t there.

“Ryker?” I called across the vacant space. “Ry?”

Tosha ran up behind me and grabbed my arm. “Jesus, Nat, what are you
doing?
”
 

“Ryker was just standing right
here.
” I held out my arms.

“No, he wasn’t.” She swallowed, trying to believe herself. “Besides, even if he was, what were you going to do, run up and hug him in front of your parents and Eric? Would you even talk to him? It’s been too long, Natalie, fucking let it
go.
This is our day, not his.”
 

My pulse was racing through my body and a cold sweat overtook my forehead.
 

In through your nose, out through your mouth. Don’t freak out. Not here. Not now.

I repeated my breathing mantra over and over for what felt like several minutes, but it was only a few seconds. One more cleansing breath later, we linked arms and turned to walk back to my parents.
 

Eric was standing right in front of us.

“Who’s Ryker?” he asked, looking at the grass.

“What?” I tried to sound light, as if he hadn’t really heard any or all of my conversation with Tosha.

“Who’s Ryker?” He cocked his head back toward my parents. “Your dad said he thought he heard you say his name and your mom acted like she was going to pass out. Who’s Ryker, Natalie?”

I looked at Tosha, who shrugged and bugged her eyes like,
what the hell do you want me to say?
I grabbed Eric’s hand and looked him in the eyes.

“Your hand is shaking like crazy.” He squeezed my hand to stop it.

“I’ll tell you about Ryker. Tonight. Just,
please,
don’t mention him in front of my parents, okay? It will make sense later, just . . . please.”

He smiled and kissed my hand. “Okay, I promise.”
 

It will never make sense.

* * *

“Have a good night.” The hostess waves to us as we walk into the mild April night.

Eric and I stroll drunkenly up the sidewalk toward our apartment. Thanks to the wine and all the crying, I’m feeling quite relaxed.

“Hey.” I pull him to a stop under a huge tree at the edge of the common.

“What?”

“Remember when you first kissed me here?” I pull him toward me and wrap my arms around his waist, looking up at him.

He bites his lip. “I do. God, I was so nervous.”

“Do it again.”

“What?” His right eyebrow crooks in.

The expensive Syrah is in control of my words. “Kiss me, Eric. Like the first time.”

“It would be my pleasure,” he whispers, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

Eric leans down and presses his lips into mine. I release my arms from his waist and place them on his solid shoulders. I don’t know when he has time to work out, but I ignore that for the moment. It feels good to be kissed—to be wanted.

“Let’s go home,” I whisper onto his lips.
 

He gives me a playful smile and nearly drags me the rest of the five-minute walk.
 

We crash into our apartment and kick off our shoes at the door. I drag Eric by the collar and sit him on the couch, straddling him with my tongue in his mouth. He grabs my hips, forcing me down hard on his lap. I moan into his mouth, excited by his urgency. Of course he’s urgent—it’s been three weeks. Eric reaches for the hem of my dress, but my hand automatically slaps around his wrist.

“What?” he asks, startled.

“I want you in the bedroom,” I say while I slide off his lap.

With the lights off.

Where you can’t see what I’ve done to myself.

Chapter 6

Life has returned to shitty normal by Monday morning. Eric and I managed to have sex two times on Friday night/ Saturday morning before picking up the twins, who had
just the most fabulous time, they’re such angels,
according to Eric’s mom. Everything was great for the remainder of the weekend; the boys were happy to be home with both mommy
and
daddy and mommy and daddy were happy, too.
 

On Sunday night, however, I questioned Eric about his graduation, when he had to defend his thesis project, etc. That’s when shit hit the fan.

“Do you think that UMass will offer you a permanent position?”
 

That was, apparently, uncalled for.
 

“Jesus, Nat, you just can’t let it go, can you?”

“What, that I want to know where we’ll be in a few weeks if and when you graduate?”

“If?” he yelled. He never really yells at me, so that was a bit dramatic.

I sighed, but kept my tone soft, “You know what I mean, Eric. The boys need to start kindergarten in the fall and I’d like to know if we’re enrolling them here or somewhere else.”

I don’t understand his anger about my asking about his job prospects. He’s always so level-headed. Maybe the pressure of his thesis defense is mounting. Either way, I’m driving to his lab today—a place I never go—now that the twins are stowed at preschool for the next few hours.

I pull up to the lab and spot all the usual cars, including Eric’s. I grabbed a bagel and his favorite coffee, somewhat of a peace offering for my pissing him off. It’s not that I necessarily care when he’s mad at me—I’m too busy to fluff his emotional pillows—but I just don’t need his attitude to bring me down. And it will. Fast.
 

Eric should be in his office right now for his TA office hours. He’s the TA for a few upper-level courses, and that’s exactly where I find him, behind his desk grading papers.

I rap lightly on the door with one knuckle.
 

“Hey, what are you doing here?” He goes back to thumbing through his papers.

This means he’s really mad—when I don’t get a smile right away.

“I brought you coffee and a bagel. You left this morning without eating.” I place the items on his desk.

He looks at them, but speaks to me, “I’m surprised you noticed.”

“Come on, Eric, that’s not fair. We had a great weekend—”

“Yeah,” he huffs, “the first one in a while and then you had to ruin it wi—”

A weak knock on the door interrupts our simmering argument.

“Mr. Johnson?” A fair-haired and fairer-skinned twenty-something is standing, shaking, in the doorway.

“Miss Kimball, we missed you in class this morning. What can I do for you?”
 

Can he not see that she’s been crying?

“Sorry, Mr. Johnson. Here’s my paper, I hope it’s not too late.”
 

I don’t know if he’s trying to act tough around me, or something, but Eric’s coming off as a total dick, and I’m not about to let him shoo this girl out of the office without further explanation.

“I’m Eric’s wife, Natalie, nice to meet you . . .”

“Danielle.” A flash of a smile, and it’s gone in an instant.

I tilt my head to the side. “Danielle. Are you feeling okay?”

“Natalie—” Eric cuts in. I stick up my hand and lift my eyebrow at him. Suddenly, he gets it. “Is something the matter, Danielle?” He redirects his words.

“Um . . .” she starts, but her quivering chin slows her down.
 

“It’s okay, Hon.” My pulse races as I slowly recognize the unmistakable, specific, look on her face.

No.

“My boyfriend . . .”

Shit.

“He, um . . . today he leaves . . .”

 
No fucking way . . .

“He’s being deployed today for Afghanistan.”

“Jesus.” I hug the pint-sized stranger. She loses strength in my arms and cries into my shoulder. “When is he leaving?” I whisper into her hair.

“In two hours.” She pulls away and wipes her eyes.

“What branch is he?”

“Marines.” When she says it, her face lights up in pride. I smile back. “I’m sorry I wasn’t at class this morning, Mr. Johnson, we just—” she blushes and looks to the floor.

Yeah, we just . . .

“I’m proud of your boyfriend, Miss Kimball, but you need to understand that you have responsibilities . . .”
 

The hair on the back of my neck stands on end as I watch Danielle’s face fall under my husband’s words. He’s lost his damn mind.

“Eric!” I yell with such force that they both jump.

Eric clenches his teeth. “Natalie, this is my office—”

“And you’re being an ass. Come on Danielle, I’ll walk you to your car.”

I grab Danielle’s hand, shoot Eric a nasty look, and slam his office door behind me.

That was really unprofessional of me. But really nasty of him. I win.

“I didn’t mean to cause trouble up there,” Danielle says as we reach her car, parked haphazardly between two spots.

“Don’t worry about it. He’s been really stressed about the Ph.D. stuff—you know what, that’s not important. Don’t share this incident with your classmates, okay? Just go see your boyfriend off. Kiss him until they clear their throats and you’re sure you should be embarrassed because you’re the last one there. But don’t be. Don’t be embarrassed. Just kiss him with everything you have.”

“Thank you, Natalie.” After a quick hug, Danielle speeds out of the parking lot.

I don’t envy her. Not one bit.
 

With that, I slide into my car and press my head against the steering wheel.

Not one bit.

* * *

“So, what’s next? What happens now?” I asked him between thick kisses on my dorm bed.
 

The past week had been non-stop dinners, kissing, and sex. Studying filled in what little blanks there were. It was like we were trying to drink ourselves full of each other before the drought.

“Tomorrow we say good-bye, then I train in Texas for a few weeks, then we go.” Ryker ran his nose along the outside of my ear and whispered, like he was telling me fairytale; a bedtime story that I could wake up from.

“I don’t want to tell you good-bye.” I blinked some tears away. He pulled his head back when they hit his cheek.

“No tears tonight, all right? I want to see you smile. You have a gorgeous smile, Nat.”

Of course,
that
made me smile.
 

I kept my smile and wiped away more tears. “Will you be able to call me?”

“I think so.” Ryker slid his hands up my shirt, dragging his lips behind them.

Stop talking about it, Nat. Enjoy this.

He just needed
me
that night, the September 10th Natalie, not the Military Girlfriend Natalie. I was happy to give it to him, but suddenly felt nervous—as if it was our first time. I quickly shook those thoughts away and realized I needed to capture every sensory memory of him that I could before he went off to war.

Fucking war.

“Do you have to go back to your dorm tonight?” I asked, sitting up on my elbows.

He laughed and pulled off his shirt, “No, Nat, I don’t have to
be
anywhere for the next twelve hours.”
 

“Yeah, you do.” I took of my shirt and pulled him back down on top of me, “Right here is where you have to be.” I reached between us and unzipped my pants; he sat up on his knees and did the same.

When he positioned himself between my legs he shook his head before kissing me. “Damn, you’re fine. How did I get so lucky?”

“You kissed me the second we met.” I let out a long sigh as he slid into me.
 

Ryker moved in and out of me slowly, but kept talking at first.

“That was ballsy of me, wasn’t it? Man,” he moaned, “you feel
so
good, Natalie.”

I left my eyes open and watched him close his eyes tightly while he bit his lip. I loved him. I realized it in that second. I can’t be sure if I would have felt the same thing at that precise moment if he wasn’t about to head to war; but I felt it anyway. It was now or never.

I grabbed his face and pulled up from my neck. “I love you, Ryker.”
 

He smiled with his eyes first, then it traveled to his mouth. “I love you too, Natalie.”

“Make love to me all night. Don’t stop, okay?”

His arms flexed on either side of my shoulders as he moved faster. “I wouldn’t dream of stopping. Not now.”

And that’s just what we did.

The rest of it is a painful blur. With a kiss, Ryker slipped out early in the morning and told me he’d see me later. Tosha checked my makeup as I prepared to drive to see him off. Ryker’s dad, who I’d met a few times since he lived in the area, offered to drive me, but I politely declined. If I was going to hold my shit together to say goodbye to Ryker, I needed a safe place to bawl my eyes out when it was time to leave.