In the Middle of Somewhere (9 page)

“That’s cool,” I say. “That you can fix things, I mean. My dad has an auto shop in Philly and all my brothers work there. I’m not very good at it, though. I mean, I can do basic maintenance and fix easy stuff, but I never really got into it the way they did.”

Rex visibly relaxes.

“Cars are one thing I never really learned to fix. So, your light fixture fell,” he says, shifting into professional mode. His whole posture changes: his shoulders loosen and he shifts his weight from foot to foot in a wide stance as he looks up at the ceiling.

“More like it committed suicide,” I say. “This student slammed the door and that’s what made the crack. I think the light fixture just decided it couldn’t stay in this office one day longer.”

Rex turns to me, his eyes intense.

“What happened?” He looks weirdly protective, like if I told him that students complain about bad grades he’d offer to beat them up for me or something.

“Just an entitled brat pissed off because I wouldn’t change his grade. First-semester freshman. Some of them are so nervous to be in college they work really hard. But some of them have never been told no before. They’re convinced they’ll never have to sacrifice anything. Like, they can skip class and party and still get all
A
s, you know? It wears off.” Jesus, Daniel, stop rambling.

Rex nods.

“How come you don’t have a bunch of books in here?” he asks, looking around at my tiny cluster of books on the floor-to-ceiling bookshelves that gape around the perimeter of my office. “Most of the professors’ shelves are full. Did you not unpack yet?”

All my grad school friends had tons of books: old favorites from when they were kids, all their books from college, a ton of books for research. They thought it was weird that I didn’t because almost all of them came from smarty-pants families, but I never got books as a kid. I got a library card when I was in sixth or seventh grade, but I never wanted to check books out because I shared a room with Brian and he could be counted on to destroy anything I owned at any moment. Then, later, I never had cash to spare on buying books when I could get them from the library—especially not the pricey books of literary criticism or theory that my classmates spent thirty or fifty bucks a pop for.

“I don’t really have many,” I say. “Could never afford it. I just get the library to order things I need. Of course, that’s hard here because this library is tiny.”

“What’s that one about?” Rex asks, pointing.

“Oh,
The House of Mirth
? I’m teaching it in my Intro to American Lit class. It’s about this woman, Lily Bart, who wants to be a member of the upper class, so she goes to all the right parties and tries to make the right friends. But then she meets this guy who she really likes—he’s different than the stuffy people she usually socializes with—and kind of falls for him. Only he’s not rich, so she can’t let herself be with him. She tries to marry this awkward rich guy she doesn’t like, but it doesn’t work out. Eventually, she ends up in debt to the husband of one of her friends by mistake and has to get a job making hats. I don’t want to ruin the ending, but let’s just say it’s not happy. Edith Wharton hates happy endings.”

“Why was she so desperate to marry a rich guy?” Rex asks.

“Um, because she’s terrified of being poor. Terrified of living in an ugly place and not being admired. It’s really sad. A lot of people read it as Wharton’s commentary on how vapid and materialistic the upper class is, but she definitely writes it as a tragedy, so she’s not totally unsympathetic to Lily.” I break off, aware suddenly that I sound like I’m lecturing him about the book.

“She wrote that one about the guy and the sled, right?” Rex asks.

“
Ethan Frome
, yeah,” I say. Huh, maybe he wasn’t just asking about the book to be polite.

Rex smiles shyly. “I liked that one. It reminded me of here—all that snow, and how isolated it can feel.”

“So, do you read a lot?” I ask. Rex studies the mess on the floor.

“Oh, well, I like some of the stories,” he says, looking self-conscious. “So, let me grab a broom to clean this up, and then I’ll replaster the crack. I think we’ll have to get you a floor lamp, because the wiring in these offices is garbage, and I don’t want to try and hang a new light just to have these old wires crap out on you. I’ll put in the order for it on Monday.” He heads for the door.

“I can clean it up,” I say, getting up.

“Daniel, sit,” Rex says. “It’s fine. This is my job.” He turns around without another word.

“So,” Rex says when he gets back, running a hand over the back of his neck. “What with the chatting and all, I didn’t really think. You probably don’t want me in here doing this when you’re trying to do your work. They had me come by on a Saturday because they figured that’s when I wouldn’t be disturbing anybody.”

“No, no, I don’t mind. Stay.”

“Well, I don’t want to disturb you, banging around and all.”

“No, seriously. I worked as a bartender all through college and grad school. It was at this music venue in North Philly, and I’d do all my reading for classes while the shows were going on, because that’s when fewer people were at the bar, right? So, one night, I’m trying to finish the whole second half of
Moby Dick
for my seminar in the morning and the band that night is some shitty speed metal group trying to be Slayer and failing miserably. So I’m pouring drinks and trying to finish one of the greatest literary works of all time while the band is screaming unintelligibly in the background. I still hear feedback whenever someone even says the word ‘whale.’”

Rex laughs and leans a hip against my desk.

“Really, stay. I’d like the company.”

“Sure,” he says. “I can pretty much guarantee that I won’t scream, at least.” He pushes off the desk to reach for his toolbox and the whole thing lurches. He’s pretty heavy.

“Jesus, Daniel,” he says, squatting down to look at the desk, which I’ve shimmed with some old copies of the school literary magazine that I found in my filing cabinet. “This thing is falling apart. Did you put these here?”

“Yeah,” I say. “I stood on the desk the first day I was here to try and change the lightbulb in the ceiling fixture and the desk kind of slumped.”

“And they never gave you a new one?”

“Oh, well, I never asked. I just stuck those there and they were actually the perfect height, so it’s fine now.”

“Yeah, as long as no one touches it,” he says.

“Well, not everyone’s as big as you.” The words are out of my mouth before I think about it. “Um, I mean….” Heat sparks in Rex’s eyes as he looks me up and down. “As heavy as you, I mean. No! As muscular, is what I meant.” Jesus, Daniel.

Rex laughs, his smile wide. “I know what you mean,” he says, his voice a little lower than it was a minute ago. “Here, I’ll put in a work order for a new one for you.”

“No, don’t bother,” I say.

“Why not?”

“Oh, I just—I dunno. I don’t really need a new one; it’s fine as it is.” Rex is looking at me strangely.

“Your call,” he says, shrugging. Then he starts to sweep up the glass.

It’s nice to have some company while I work—just to be in the same space with someone. Rex has moved on to whatever he’s doing to the crack in the ceiling, but now I’m definitely finding myself distracted because he’s standing on a stepladder, and his every move causes the muscles in his back and shoulders to flex beneath the white T-shirt he’s wearing. His body is gorgeous. He’s not perfectly sculpted like those guys who work out at gyms all the time. He’s big—heavy frame, wide hips, wider shoulders, big feet and hands. And, I can see now, an ass for days.

I’m zoning out, staring at his ass in his worn jeans, when he turns around and looks at me. There’s not even any point in trying to look back at my notes and pretend I wasn’t just seriously scoping him out. But he has a little smile on his lips.

“I can see your reflection in the window,” he says.

“Oh, jeez.” I drop my head into my arms on the desk. “Sorry,” I say miserably.

“That’s okay. I kind of feel like Marilyn Monroe in
The Seven Year Itch
.”

“You really love Marilyn Monroe, huh?” I say.

“She was my mom’s favorite.”

“Oh, hey,” I say, remembering. “I watched
Gaslight
. When I got back to Philly. I really liked it.”

Rex grins and it almost takes my breath away. It’s a smile that reaches all the way to his whiskey-colored eyes, wrinkling the skin at the corners. Whereas his face is classically handsome, with those high cheekbones, straight nose, and strong brows, his dimples make him look boyish when he smiles, that crooked incisor just catching on his lower lip, and one front tooth the slightest bit behind the other.

“But the library only had the one that was on at your house. The American one. You were talking about the British one, but they didn’t have it.”

“I have it,” Rex says. “You could borrow it.” He pauses and looks down. “Or, if you wanted to come over some time, we could watch it.” He seems almost shy about asking.

“Yeah, that’d be great,” I say.

“So, how has your first month been?” Rex asks, turning his attention back to the plaster.

“Um, yeah, been okay,” I say. “I found coffee, there’s a library, and I have Internet in my apartment, so there’s that. You know what’s
killing
me, though, is that nowhere has takeout or delivery after, like, nine o’clock except the pizza place. And, I mean, I love pizza, but there’s only so much of it I can eat in a week.”

“You don’t like to cook, I guess,” Rex says.

“Never really learned,” I tell him. “When I was a kid, my dad would always make a huge pot of something—chili or spaghetti or something—and leave it on the stove for me and my brothers to grab. Then, when I was in school, I just didn’t have the time to learn. And my stove in Philly was… well, I don’t know for sure it would’ve exploded if I’d used it, but there was a distinct possibility.” Rex smiles. “I guess I’ll need to learn now, though, or I’m going to get scurvy. I think the waiters at the diner already know my name, which is embarrassing because I don’t think anyone else even knows I exist.”

“Oh, they know,” Rex says, sounding amused.

“Huh?”

“Oh, yeah. You’re the”—he speaks like he’s quoting—“angry, gay professor from New York City who uses all the ten-dollar words.”

I try to remember what words I’ve used when I’ve talked to people, but I can’t. So, people here already think I’m both pretentious and aggressive. Great.

“I’m from Philadelphia,” I say.

“Yeah, but they think you look like you’re from New York. Because of how you dress.”

“How I dress?”

“You look… um, edgy. Your hair and all.” My hair just happens to look messy no matter what—possibly because I pull on it when I’m irritated—so I go with it.

“And I’m not angry. Well….” Thinking back, I may have expressed disappointment that certain establishments closed at 5:00 p.m. a couple of times in public.

Rex laughs.

“Daniel, this is a small town. They’ll get to know you soon and stop making assumptions about you. But they go from what they hear, and every kid who works at the coffee shop whispers about the professor who swears and drinks more espresso than anyone they’ve ever seen. Carl tells anyone who’ll listen about how he’s got a gay man living in his apartment because he thinks it makes him seem, I don’t know, hip or something. They’re interested in you, that’s all.”

“Hmph.” I don’t know what to make of that. I suppose I should’ve guessed. “It’s like high school or something. Everyone knowing everyone else’s business.”

“I suppose.” Rex climbs down the stepladder and wipes his hands on his jeans. He gives me a little smile. “All set,” he says. “I’ll put in the order for a lamp for you on Monday. They have extras in storage, so it shouldn’t be long.”

“Oh, great, thanks.” I wrack my brain for something to say to delay him leaving. Should I ask him to get a coffee or something?

“All right, then. I have to get home to walk Marilyn or she’s like to be stir crazy.” Rex puts everything back in his toolbox and rests it on my desk again. I stand up, unsure of whether I’m supposed to shake his hand or just say good-bye or what.

“Thanks,” I say again, and my voice sounds disappointed even to me. I hear Ginger’s voice in my head:
Just ask him for his phone number! The worst he can say is no, and at least then you’ll know and you can stop obsessing over him. Because you
are
, you know. Obsessing over him.

“Rex, can I—” He looks right at me and I feel all out of sorts. I swallow and try again. “Can I have your phone number? You know, um, so I can call you….” And that, ladies and gentlemen, is where I trail off. Could I
be
any stupider? Yeah, Rex, can I have your phone number in case you ever want to talk to a socially awkward
idiot
?

Something crosses Rex’s face that I can’t quite read. Oh shit, he’s actually going to say no.

He searches his pockets without looking at me and doesn’t seem to find whatever he’s looking for.

“Um,” he says, “why don’t you give me yours?”

Oh god, that is a
classic
blow-off. My face heats and my ears are ringing like they do whenever I’m fucking mortified. But I rip a corner off of the syllabus on my desk and lean over to write my cell number on it. Then I write
Daniel
, in case it’s one of a dozen slips of paper with phone numbers Rex never intends to call. Christ, should I put my last name in case there’s another Daniel?

I hand Rex the paper and he folds it carefully and puts it in his pocket.

“Have a good night, Daniel,” he says, and leaves, taking all the air in the room with him.

I’
M
PASSING
by Sludge a few days later, debating whether an evening cappuccino would hit the spot or just make it impossible to sleep, when a sound like a gunshot drops me to the ground out of habit, my heart pounding. I peek around the tree I ducked behind but see nothing except the lush, trimmed grass and well-maintained garbage cans. Then Marjorie pushes open the door to Sludge, wrestling with the glasses she keeps on a chain around her neck.