In a Heartbeat (Heartbeat #1) (44 page)

“How could I what, Max? Kick you out of my life so that you don’t have to witness me withering away from cancer and dying? How cruel of me!”

“It is cruel. It’s cruel to you and to me. How do you think I felt when Lisa told me about your cancer and what you’ve been going through the past two weeks? How do you think I feel that I wasn’t able to be with you?”

“You’ll get over me, Max. You’ll find someone else and have the ‘happily ever after’ you deserve. I won’t let you sacrifice everything you dream of for me.” Stella’s voice had grown quiet, but the expression on her face said that she was still determined to chase Max away. There was no way she’d let him stay with her.

“That’s
my
choice Stella, not yours. Nobody takes my choices away from me, not even you. I chose you. I will stay here with you, support you through everything and have my ‘happily ever after’ with
you
.”

“No, you can’t stay here. That’s
my
choice. I want you out of my life.” Stella choked on the last words and felt tears build up in her eyes. Max didn’t move towards her or make any attempt to leave. He glared at her as if this was all her fault. “Get out, Max. I don’t want you here.”

“But I do.” Helen’s voice came from the stairs as she walked down. She went to Max and gave him a hug, taking the bag from his hand. Stella couldn’t believe her eyes – her mum was on Max’s side? She was in on all this?

“What the hell, Mum? Why are you doing this?”

“Because I love you.” She turned around and took Max’s bag upstairs.

“I’m staying, Stella. I’m coming with you to the hospital and I’m holding your hand when you wake up. I’m not going anywhere. Deal with it.” He turned on his heel and followed Helen upstairs.

Stella stared open-mouthed after them, unable to even begin to understand how this could be happening. When she heard the door of the guest room close, she stomped up the stairs and stormed in without knocking.

“I’m not your fucking charity case, Max. Find someone else to feed your hero complex; I don’t need you here!” she yelled.

“Stella!” Helen raised her voice, outraged, which managed to snap Stella out of her blind rage, because her mom very rarely shouted. Max didn’t say anything; he just stared at her unflinchingly, not at all offended by her comment.

Stella slammed the door and stomped off to her own bedroom, slamming that door as well. She contemplated calling Lisa and yelling at her, but what was the point? Max was here; that was the important thing. He was going to ruin his life because he wanted to be with her. What could she do to push him away? Everyone was on his side, for some inexplicable reason. Couldn’t they see that they were dooming him to a life full of misery?

Sudden helplessness overwhelmed her and a sob escaped her lips.

Stella wished she could be as strong as she pretended to be, but deep inside all she truly wanted to do was snuggle into Max’s arms and let him fix everything. It would be really hard to resist that urge now that he was here and more than willing to let her do just that.

Since she had returned from Italy, Stella had slept very lightly, waking up at the smallest of noises or for no reason at all. Knowing that Max was two walls away from her didn’t allow her to fall asleep at all that night. She lay curled into a ball, staring into the wall, unable to succumb to the rest she desperately needed.

She heard her door open slowly and close quietly. Then, she heard footsteps and felt Max lying on the bed behind her, wrapping his body so naturally around her. Stella froze. She had never expected him to come here after what she’d said to him a few hours ago.

Now what?

Instinctively, all Stella wanted to do was relax in his arms and just let go. Stop fighting him. Let him be there for her; but her conscience refused to give in that easily. It refused to be OK with the fact that he’d ruin his own life because of her.

As Stella was overwhelmed by her contradictory emotions, she felt Max’s body starting to tremble behind her. He squeezed his arms tighter around her and when he spoke, she felt the tears in his voice.

“Please, Stella. Don’t tell me to leave.”

She knew he meant not only now, but ever. Her heart swelled with all the feelings she’d been trying to suppress these past weeks. Remembering how just a few nights ago she’d wished she could tell him how much she loved him, and thought she’d never get the chance, Stella opened her mouth to speak, but closed it without saying a word.

No. She couldn’t do this. He needed to go.

“I love you,” he whispered and nuzzled her neck.

Stella didn’t reply. She didn’t move. She even tried not to breathe.

Maybe if she stayed like this, he’d get the hint and leave.

Max didn’t say anything else, but he didn’t leave either. He lay behind her, hugging her, until she couldn’t hold her eyes open any longer and gave in to exhaustion.

Chapter Thirty Seven

Waking up took some effort. Stella opened her eyes slowly, disoriented for a moment about where she was. Instinctively, she skimmed her hand over the sheets next to her, searching for the familiar warmth. Max wasn’t there.

The thought of Max managed to fully shake her brain out of drowsiness, and remembering the events of last night gave her an instant headache. Tomorrow she needed to head to Oxford for her treatment. Today was her last chance to drill some sense into Max and make him leave.

Stella took a quick shower, got dressed in sweats and a T-shirt and headed downstairs. Fantastic smells came from the kitchen – fried eggs, toast, butter and coffee. For the first time since she’d got back, Stella’s stomach growled with hunger. Eating had become a chore she did to please her mother.

Entering the kitchen, Stella faced an idyllic picture – Helen was sitting at the table reading the morning paper and drinking a cup of coffee; Max was cooking on the stove behind her and placing fried eggs onto three plates.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Stella murmured, as she made her way to the coffee machine. Both her mum’s and Max’s heads snapped in her direction.

“Morning, honey,” Helen said cheerfully. Stella muttered a ‘Mm-hm’ and took a cup out to pour herself some coffee. Max looked at her for a long moment, but she ignored him. If he wanted to stay – fine. But she wasn’t going to pretend she was OK with that.

Max and Stella ate quietly, while Helen tried to lighten the mood by discussing the articles in the paper. It didn’t work, so she gave up and finished her own breakfast in silence. After everyone had cleared their plates, Helen sent them away and declined any help with tidying up. Stella knew what her mum was trying to do – get her to be alone with Max. For a moment she thought about going straight to her room and locking the door, but then she got annoyed at the notion. It was her house; she could do whatever she wanted. And right now she wanted to watch TV and lie on the sofa until her back started to hurt.

Stella sprawled on the sofa, switched the TV on and completely ignored Max, who sat at the other end, just by her feet. She could feel the heat coming from his body and tugged her feet away from him.

“How are you?” he asked quietly.

“I don’t know. Are you going to leave?” Stella cast him a dark look and he flinched.

“No.”

“Then, I’m not good.” She started flipping through the channels, not really seeing anything on the screen because the only thing she was aware of was Max’s eyes on her. He stood up, got the remote out of her hand, muted the TV and sat on the coffee table in front of her.

“Stella ...” he began.

“Don’t even start, Max. There’s nothing you can say to make me believe that ruining your life because of me is OK.”

“I’m ruining my life if I spend it without you, Stella. How can you not see that?” he said softly and attempted to touch her hand, but she moved it away.

“I could die tomorrow, Max. Die. And even if I don’t, I’m doomed to spend my whole life in hospitals, getting treatments and check-ups. Even if by some miracle I get cured or they find me a donor, I’ll still have to be checked on a regular basis. The cancer will be a constant shadow over my life, and consequently over everyone who’s
in
my life.”

“Nobody is insured against illness or tragedy, baby. You can be perfectly healthy one day and the next get diagnosed with cancer. Or go on holiday and drown in the sea. That doesn’t mean we can’t live our lives.”

Stella was taken aback by his words. He was right. Her dad and Eric had been healthy and alive one minute and the next were lying in the morgue. She could have got cancer when she was forty-five and had two teenage kids.

“The difference is that I know what my future holds right now. I don’t want that life for you.”

“It’s not up to you,” Max said and, as Stella opened her mouth to protest, he silenced her by raising his hand. “You’re wrong, Stella. You don’t know what your future holds for you. Life has a tendency to surprise us.”

Stella looked at him, confused. Why did he always have to turn her words against her?

“I want you to fight, Stella. You’re strong and as long as you don’t give up, you’ll kick cancer’s ass all the way back to hell. And I’m going to be right next to you.” He stood up, bent over her and kissed the top of her head, before disappearing up the stairs.

Stella was stunned by his words. He saw everything in a completely different light. For the first time since she’d left him, Stella wondered if she’d done the right thing – if running off hadn’t been just a knee-jerk reaction. Was she right to have left without telling him the truth? Without giving him a choice? What if it had been the other way round? What if he had been the one who was sick and had disappeared without any explanation?

God, she would have been furious! She probably would have reacted in exactly the same way as he had.

“Sweetheart, how are you holding up?” he mum asked, sitting next to her on the sofa and draping an arm around her shoulders.

“Traitor,” said Stella, and looked at Helen accusingly. She couldn’t keep a straight face for much longer, though, and her lips spread into a genuine smile. Helen grinned and kissed her daughter’s cheek.

“I’m sorry I went behind your back, honey. But I’m not sorry for helping Max, or that he’s here. That boy loves you so much, Stella. Stop fighting him. For once life’s giving you a lifeline. Take it.”

Stella closed her eyes, so close to running up the stairs and throwing herself into his arms.

“Last night after you said those horrible things and ran off to your room, I could hear Max pacing around in his bedroom. I went to check if he was all right or if he wanted something to eat, and he broke down. He sat on the bed and cried. I went to give him a hug and his whole body shook under my arms.” Helen paused to brush a tear off Stella’s cheek. “He told me he blamed himself that you’d gone through everything that’s happened in the past two weeks without him. He regretted not having been more persistent and not having stopped you from leaving.” Helen tilted Stella’s chin up and made her look into her eyes. “Max will do anything for you, Stella. His biggest worry is not his own future, but yours. He’s the kind of man who when he loves, he loves with everything he’s got. He wants to protect you, take care of you, help you. Let him. Don’t push him away, because you’ll ruin him.”

Stella’s tears were streaming down her cheeks freely now. Helen gave her a tissue and waited for her to blow her nose before she spoke again.

“Go to him, honey. Let him be there for you.”

Max’s words and now her mum’s words were starting to make much more sense than her stubborn desire to protect him. She felt her walls beginning to crack and the resolve to keep him away crumbled.

Stella dried her tears and before she knew it, her legs had carried her to Max’s room on their own accord.

She knocked softly on the door and a moment later it opened. Max stood before her, several emotions passing over his face when he saw her – surprise, hope, realisation, relief. Then everything melted away to love.

He took her hand and tugged her inside, closing the door behind her, and pulled her into his arms. He hugged her so tightly that Stella couldn’t breathe, but she didn’t complain and circled his neck with her arms, hugging him back.

“I missed you so much,” she said, inhaling his scent and letting it wash over her.

“Don’t ever run away from me, Stella. I won’t be able to take it if you leave again,” said Max, lifting his head and looking into her eyes. His were clouded with unshed tears and the sight of him so vulnerable made Stella’s lips tremble.

“I love you,” she said and her voice quivered.

“I know.”

He bent down and kissed her, making her forget the rest of the world. She melted in his arms and felt hope ignite in her heart with renewed passion. If she had Max, she could do anything – including beating cancer and giving him the life he dreamed of.

The hospital room was small, but at least it was clean and tidy. If everything went well, Stella wouldn’t even have to spend the night here and needn’t endure the horrible hospital smell for too long. It was already suffocating her.

Helen walked in after her, carrying the clothes Stella needed to wear for the procedure.

“Hurry up and put them on, honey. The doctor will be here any minute to take you to surgery,” she said, and thrust the simple cotton gown into her hands. Stella glanced at Max, who had also appeared in the doorway, leaning against the frame. He gave her an encouraging nod and the complete certainty that everything was going to be fine glowed in his eyes. It was exactly what Stella needed right now, because she wasn’t so sure herself.