In a Heartbeat (Heartbeat #1) (43 page)

She was going to die and he was much better off without her. She hoped that he would move on and forgot about her.

Hope. That’s all she had left.

Even her tears had dried up completely. She couldn’t cry; she couldn’t even get angry at the big injustice called ‘life’. All she had the strength for was sleep.

Stella must have slept for a few hours, because when Helen woke her up she felt rested.

“How are you feeling, honey?” her mum asked, and to Stella’s surprise she didn’t look as if she’d cried. The moment Helen had shut herself in her bedroom Stella had thought it was to grieve in private – but her mum looked good. No puffy eyes, no red blotches. “I just got off the phone with half a dozen people. I’ve been calling everyone I know all afternoon.”

“Calling who? And why?” asked Stella, confused.

“I’ve been researching new methods to treat liver cancer for months. I found something promising right after you’d left for Italy. There’s this new method, called chemosaturation. It’s still experimental, even though patients both in America and Europe have responded well to it, but it’s not offered on the NHS. We’d need to do it privately at the Queen Ann hospital in Oxford – that’s the only place in the country that offers the treatment. I had to pull some strings, but I managed to get us in for next week!” Helen’s face lit up in an excited smile. Stella felt dizzy. That was too much information to process in such a short time.

“Wait. So, what is this procedure exactly?” She asked the first thing that came to mind.

“They give a much higher dose of chemotherapy, injecting it directly into the liver. With traditional chemo, only about two per cent of the chemicals reach the tumours, and the rest are spread into the whole body, damaging everything in their way. With chemosaturation, they temporarily isolate the blood supply to the liver and inject the chemicals directly into it, without giving them a chance to spread to the rest of the body.”

“How about side effects?”

“There are no side effects. Patients usually go home the same day after the procedure.”

“That sounds too good to be true, Mum. Why didn’t Dr Hansen offer it as a possibility today?”

“Because it’s an experimental procedure, not offered on the NHS.”

Stella needed time to process all this. The more she thought about it, the more questions popped into her head.

“How much is it?” If it wasn’t on the NHS, that meant they had to pay for it – and it wouldn’t be cheap.

“Don’t worry about it, sweetheart. I’ll pay for it.”

“How?”

“We have savings. Hell, I’ll remortgage the house if I have to. If there’s
any
chance that it would work, I’d sell my soul to the devil to get the money.” Helen’s eyes filled with tears and Stella felt awful for even thinking about giving up her fight.

“Is there a chance it won’t work?” asked Stella.

“There’s always that chance, but your cancer is stage one, which makes me very optimistic of the outcome. It’s a very intense treatment that produces great results – however, it does also carry the risk of fatality.” Helen’s voice shook on the last word. But she was a doctor, and she knew that almost every procedure carried out in a hospital could end up being fatal. Stella saw determination in her mum’s eyes and she owed it to her to find the will to fight again.

“We have to try, honey. Even if it doesn’t get rid of the tumours completely, it’ll give us much more time to find a donor and you’ll be able to fully live your life, without any side effects. You could go to college. We could travel. Anything you want.”

Stella would never have what she wanted.

But she’d do it for her mum. Helen deserved it. She’d lost too much already – more than a person should have to take in a lifetime.

Chapter Thirty Six

When Max saw the ‘failed delivery’ notice in his inbox, he felt as if a bucketful of ice had been poured over his head. His fingers were frozen on the keyboard and he was unable to move or form a coherent thought for a few long moments. As his blood started circulating again, he tried to calm down and not feel like his only connection with Stella had just been cut off.

Maybe it was a technical error. Emails got lost and returned to sender all the time, right? He quickly typed a new email and hit ‘send’. The next two minutes were the longest in his life.

Until the email came back undelivered, and Max felt his heart shatter.

He closed his laptop forcefully, calling on all the self-control he possessed so that he didn’t throw it against the wall. Pacing around his room, Max felt helpless, angry, hopeless, lost. What was he supposed to do now?

There was only one person who could give him what he wanted and he was going to get it out of her, whatever it took.

Max parked his car in Lisa’s driveway and got out, fully prepared for a huge fight. He wouldn’t leave her house without Stella’s phone number and address, even if he had to chain himself to her fridge. Ringing the bell, he took a deep breath and prayed that she was actually home. The door opened and Lisa stood in front of him, surprise written all over her face. Just as Max was about to brush past her and launch into an angry tirade, her eyes filled with tears and the surprise on her face melted into sadness.

“Lisa, what’s going on?” asked Max, as she gestured him to come in and closed the door behind him. She went to the sofa without answering his question and he followed her.

“I was thinking about you and was trying to find reasons not to come and see you,” said Lisa, hastily wiping the tears that had spilled from her eyes.

“Just tell me what’s going on.” Max’s voice was clipped and hard. He knew this had something to do with Stella and the mere thought of something happening to her made his insides burn.

“Stella called last night,” said Lisa, and eyed him cautiously. Max’s body went rigid when he heard her name. He was so anxious that he felt he might explode any second now. “She ...” Lisa began, a sob escaping her lips.

“Just fucking tell me, Lisa!” Max heard himself yell, but it didn’t really register with his brain. All his conscious efforts were aimed at sitting down and just breathing.

“She has cancer, Max. That’s why she left.”

Max felt the blood drain from his whole body. Time stood still. His ears began to ring and he felt dizzy.

“Max!” Lisa shouted, jumping up from her place on the sofa and bending over him. He was aware she was there, but he was unable to do anything. His head was spinning, his throat was dry, his whole body was shaking. Lisa ran off somewhere, coming back with a glass of water. She forced it to his lips and he drank, swallowing painfully. She took the glass from his shaking hands and placed it on the table.

Max felt his blood start to flow again and he was aware of hearing Lisa’s voice over the ringing in his ears.

“Max, you’re scaring me. You’re as white as a dead man. Should I call an ambulance? Are you going to pass out on me?”

He shook his head ‘no’, and brought his fingers to his temple, massaging it and trying to regain some control over his body.

“Tell me everything,” he whispered.

Lisa told him the whole story – about Stella’s cancer, about the surgeries, why she pushed him away, her reaction when she found out how Max’s dad had died, about her last appointment that had confirmed her cancer was back.

“They can’t operate this time, but her mum has managed to get her an appointment in this hospital that does some experimental treatment.”

By the time Lisa was finished talking, Max was feeling more like himself again – only angrier.

“What made you tell me?” he asked, through clenched teeth.

“The treatment produces amazing results if it’s successful. But there’s a chance it might not be. It’s a very intensive treatment and that’s why it still hasn’t been approved for general use.” Lisa lifted her eyes to his face and waited until he looked at her too. “There’s a chance she might die, Max. I would have never forgiven myself if she died and you didn’t know.”

Max jumped up from the sofa, unable to sit next to Lisa any longer. He was beyond angry. He was furious.

“I can’t believe this. How dare you? How dare you keep this from me? You think I’m a fucking coward? That I won’t stand by the woman I love when she’s sick?”

“Exactly the opposite. Stella was certain you wouldn’t leave if she told you. She didn’t want to put you through something like this again. Once is more than enough for a lifetime. It wasn’t my decision, Max; it was hers, I just followed through by not telling you. Until now, anyway.”

“Too bad. It’s not her choice – it’s mine. Give me her address and number right now.” His voice was deadly, even though he tried to rein in his anger.

“Before I do, I want you to think about this for longer than a minute ...”

“I don’t need to think about anything. I love her. I’ll be there for her, no matter what happens. Now give me what I need. I have a plane to catch.”

Lisa nodded and scribbled Stella’s details on a piece of paper. She paused for a moment before taking her phone out and copying a number from it.

“Call Aunt Helen; don’t just barge in. She’ll be on your side and – trust me – you’re going to need an ally when Stella sees you.”

It was 6 p.m. by the time Max had landed in London and got into a taxi. On the way to Stella’s house, he tried to calm down and rationalise everything that had happened since this morning.

He had called Helen from the airport as Lisa had suggested. She was happy and maybe even relieved to hear from him. She took some convincing, but she agreed to let him stay with them and accompany them to Oxford for the procedure. He told her he had no intention of leaving Stella’s side ever again. If Helen wasn’t comfortable with him staying at her house he would rent a flat nearby, but he wasn’t going back to Italy without Stella. Helen had sighed and said,

“She’ll probably hate me for siding with you, Max, but I know it’s the right thing to do. I know you love her and I know she loves you – although be prepared to hear her deny it. Stella loves you more than she loves herself, and I love
her
more than anything, and that’s why I’ll do anything I can to help you – even if it means your heart will be broken in the end. I’m sorry, Max.”

“Don’t be sorry, Helen. My heart’s broken right now. It can’t get any worse than this.”

After they’d hung up, Max thought about Helen’s words. He completely understood her point of view – to her, Stella was more important than him. He was fine with that. Hell, to
him
Stella was more important than himself. Having her mum’s approval meant a lot to Max, because he knew she’d never let her daughter be with anyone who wasn’t good enough for her.

As the black cab drove through the streets of London, Max’s mind drifted to the last time he’d seen Stella. How could she do this to him? To herself? It wasn’t bad enough that she had cancer: she had to go through it alone? How dare she take his choice away from him?

Max was still angry with her when the taxi dropped him off at Stella’s house, and he had every intention of letting her know that.

*

The doorbell rang and startled Stella who was napping on the sofa, even though the TV was blasting
Kerrang!
at full volume. Who could it be? It was almost 8 p.m. and her mother hadn’t mentioned she was expecting any guests.

“Mum! Doorbell!” she yelled, but Helen didn’t come out of her room. At least, Stella presumed she was in her room; she hadn’t seen her mum since sometime in the afternoon when she had forced her to eat lunch. Rolling her eyes and reluctantly leaving the comfortable sofa, Stella dragged herself to the door. If it was any kind of salesman or chugger, she’d use some of her built-up negative energy and strangle him.

Opening the door, Stella froze on the spot, unable to move, speak or breathe – because Max was staring back at her, a duffel bag in his hand. The expression on his face was thunderous as he strode past her to go inside, without waiting for an invitation.

Finding her voice as she closed the door, she turned to him and said,

“I’m going to kill Lisa.” She stomped angrily to the coffee table and took her phone, manically pressing buttons. With one swift movement, Max took the phone out of her hand and, pointing at the sofa, growled,

“Sit.”

Stella folded her arms in front of her chest and eyed him menacingly.

“You don’t tell me what to do in my own house. What the hell are you doing here? I thought I made it perfectly clear that I don’t ...”

“Yeah, yeah: you don’t love me. Stop talking and sit down.” He fixed her with his stern, hazel stare and Stella felt compelled to obey. It wouldn’t hurt to listen to what he had to say, right? He’d come all this way, so the least she could do was listen to him before she kicked him out.

“Lisa told me everything,” he said, his eyes angry and hurt, but there was a shadow of something gentler behind all the anger. Stella paled – she hadn’t expected her cousin to tell him everything. She would have understood if Lisa had caved in and given him her address, or if Max had stolen it somehow – but this? Why would she do such a thing? Didn’t Lisa care about him at all?

“How could you, Stella?”

Wait, what? He was angry with
her
?