I'm Sorry if I'm Not Pretty Enough for You

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I’m sorry if I’m not pretty enough for
you.

That’s all I could think as he put his hand
on my arm and leaned in for a kiss his eyes closed, his hand light
on my arm. I wanted to shrug away. I wanted to tell him that we
kissed enough as it is; that it wasn’t just enough to be friends
but I didn’t. Something held me back, like it always does.

He kissed me long, like any girl would dream
of, but it wasn’t the same. My eyes were closed; it wasn’t entirely
one-sided, certainly not a
grenade
moment, but ours lips
didn’t fit together magically like I had thought they would and the
sparks weren’t there. Sure, I had that feeling any girl would feel
when she’s being kissed but that special feeling, like everything
is right and beautiful and magical. No, it just wasn’t there.
Nothing about this was right.

I pulled back, or at least tried to. I didn’t
open my eyes. He had done this before, always taking more than I
wished to give. I wanted to sigh, wanted to end the kiss but his
lips were still set on mine, still kissing me. Sometimes I wonder
if he noticed but I doubt it. He just kept on kissing me and I let
him, afraid to hurt him.

He finally pulled back and when he did I was
glad. Our heads were still tilted towards each other, our eyes
locked in love. I knew that much; that I loved him, but sometimes I
wonder if that love is enough. “You’re so beautiful,” he said,
gazing into my eyes yet still able to lie. “I could get lost in
those blue eyes forever.”

I sighed. I couldn’t understand it. What did
he see in me? Why did he kiss me when I was so ugly and I didn’t
even kiss right?

I’m sorry if I’m not pretty enough for
you.

The words echoed in my mind like a soft after
note. I looked down at the ground my hair falling in my face like a
screen. “I don’t know what you see in me,” I said truthfully still
looking at the ground, unable to look at him for fear that he would
finally see the truth; that I was the ugly, naïve girl I said I
was. He looked at me as he spoke, almost immediately to the words
he heard so often come from my lips, “I see a beautiful,
intelligent, sweet girl whose worth a lot more than she
believes.”

# # #

Author’s Note: That’s the way a lot of girls
feel; that they aren’t pretty enough, that they aren’t good enough.
They don’t know why guys like them or how they can kiss them when
they are ‘ugly’. They just don’t understand and for guys it can be
frustrating and just plain depressing to hear their girl tell them
constantly that they (the girl) are stupid, ugly, and naïve. It
makes them feel like the girl isn’t receptive to their complements
and ultimately might not care about them the way they care about
the girl. That’s NOT how the girl feels. In reality it’s the exact
opposite. Most girls like that are receptive to compliments but the
thing is they aren’t used to it. Something from their past taught
them to hate themselves, taught them to have low beliefs in
themselves and their bodies. They learned to hate themselves. They
learned to call themselves those things and really they can’t help
it. It just comes naturally. So to be called beautiful and sweet
and all the things that guys call girls it just feels off. They
feel like they’re lying to the guy by letting them call themselves
that and so tell the guy what they see themselves as. It’s a bad
chain of events that starts from childhood. For some it was an
abusive parent who always blamed them for something. For others it
was a family member that pointed out everything that they did wrong
even though for years they had been the golden child. Everyone has
a past and that past always affects the present.

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