I'll Never Be Young Again (12 page)

She kept one shoulder through the crack of the door.

‘I might,’ she said.

‘Do - say yes - will you?’

She smiled, with her tongue in her cheek. She wasn’t going to give anything away.

‘You never can tell,’ she said. Then she shut the door. I felt tomorrow would be all right.

‘Good night,’ I said to the boy.

I went along to our cabin, which was at the other end of the ship. Jake was already in his berth. He had chosen the top one. He was reading. I whistled, chucking off my things anyhow. There wasn’t much room.

‘Had a good time?’ he said.

‘Oh! not so bad,’ I said.

He did not say anything after that. I funked asking him how he had liked the crowd. If he had enjoyed it he would have said so without my having to mention them. I wondered what he would do in the morning. I wished he could get some amusement somewhere. Still, he was always all right by himself. It would not matter leaving him. I climbed into my berth and lay with my hands under my head. It would be fun going ashore with the girl in the morning. Perhaps when we got to Balholm later in the day we would take a boat and bathe. It would be fun whatever one did, I thought. I supposed she let the comic chap sleep with her. They’d scarcely all go away in a party together unless they did. The other girl would cope with the boy called Matty. The spectacled fellow did not seem to come into it much.

Carrie seemed easy enough to know. I wondered if she held everyone in the same way when she danced. It had been pretty good. Her hair was good too. Everything was good.

‘Jake,’ I said, ‘are you asleep?’

‘No.’

‘Well, listen - why do we have to get off at Balholm? Can’t we go on to Vadheim?’

‘I’ll find out,’ he said, ‘if you’re keen. What makes you want to go there?’

‘Oh! nothing,’ I said, ‘but I feel we ought to see all these places now we’re here.’

 

I did not sleep much that night. I felt restless and excited, for no reason. I wanted to go for a ten-mile walk or pull a boat about in the fjord. There was something in the air of this place that was not helpful to sleep. Pure and still. The white light, too. It was demoralizing the way it never got dark. I wanted to be doing things all the time, and I felt hemmed in by those high black mountains unable to get away. The sound of the crashing falls got on my nerves. I got up very early and went on deck. Gudvangen looked a tiny place, dead or asleep, across the still water. Nobody moved from the houses. It seemed impossible to believe that there were living people within miles. The grey mountains towered overhead, it was as if they were leaning towards the anchored ship ready to close in upon her. I leant over the side of the steamer and looked down on the dark water. There was never a ripple, never the slightest disturbance of the surface. And all the while the falls tumbled from the rocks like the hiss of rain.

There would be no change ever in this atmosphere. It was sinister, overpowering; it was like a troubled dream conjured by the evil thoughts of a past day.

There was no suggestion of ultimate hope, and no possibility of escape. It was a terrible place.

I sat up on the deck with my chin in my hands, looking in front of me thinking of nothing, my heart heavy, longing for some nameless thing that I could not explain even to myself. I did not want to feel depressed like this. I wanted to laugh, and not to care about a thought, and to be with people who did not matter, and to have some fun taking that girl ashore. I did not want to be in a lost mood, wretched and distressed. I wished Gudvangen was different, and the mountains wider apart, and the sun shining in a clear sky, and the blue water warm and shallow.

I went below and found Jake was awake, and sitting up in his berth. ‘I woke up and wondered where you’d gone,’ he said. ‘I was just coming up to find you. I had a feeling something was wrong.’

‘Jake,’ I said, ‘I feel like hell.’

He looked at me without saying anything for a moment.Then he spoke.

‘Tell you what, how about taking a boat from Gudvangen and climbing somewhere to get close to those falls. You can stretch your legs a bit. It would be fine getting away again.’

When Jake suggested this, I was glad for a minute, and then I knew I did not want to go. I had it fixed in my mind about that girl and I was not going to change everything.

‘I can’t,’ I said, ‘I arranged something last night with one of those girls.’

‘Oh! I see,’ said Jake.

‘We don’t get much time ashore, anyway,’ I went on, ‘the boat goes off to Balholm at midday. It wouldn’t be worth climbing anywhere.’

‘No.’

I wondered whether he thought I was making excuses.

‘Why don’t you come too?’ I suggested.

‘I think I’ll be lazy this morning,’ he said, ‘I’m not really keen.’

‘Just as you like,’ I said.

I whistled to be natural, but it seemed as though we were hiding our inner thoughts from one another. There was nothing to hide either. I had only told him perfectly frankly that I had arranged to take the girl ashore. That was all. I don’t know why we had to act a part in front of one another. Life was a queer business. The steward sounded a gong for breakfast.

‘I’m going up to the saloon,’ I said.

‘Right,’ he said.

Now that people were about and the day had got started, my depression seemed to have gone.

The Americans waved their hands to me. I went over to their table and said good morning. The dark girl Mary had a pink blouse. She looked wrong, somehow. Her boy Matty sat beside her. The spectacled brother was making a large meal. He was very boring, wanting to arrange plans.

‘I’ll tell you what,’ he was saying, ‘if we all get together by ten o’clock and go ashore in the same boat, we could get carriages and then see all there is to see, coming back in time to join the steamer at twelve.’

Nobody was particularly enthusiastic. I thought it a rotten idea. Carrie was not there. Bill was in high spirits making an ass of himself chucking cherry-stones about the room. One of the stewards came and complained. The party thought this the greatest joke. Presently Carrie came in. She had a sort of green thing on without any sleeves. She looked grand. I felt all right then.

‘Hullo, everybody,’ she said, ‘what are we all going to do? No - I don’t want any breakfast - I can’t eat a thing ever.’ ‘We’re going ashore,’ said Mary, ‘are you coming?’ ‘I can’t make up my mind,’ said Carrie.

I kept silent. I was not going to commit myself either way.

‘There’s no hurry,’ said Bill. Of course, wherever she went he would go too, I had that as a definite impression. I found it a bore. I could not cope with that sort of situation.

‘Well, I’ll be getting along,’ I said. I left them all to it. I went and buried myself in the smoking-room. I’d sit there all the morning and read a paper. I did not care a damn what happened, or who went with whom or where. I wished I had gone with Jake. It was too late to go and hunt him up now. He was probably talking to one of the officers on the bridge. About half-past ten Carrie suddenly appeared in the smoking-room. She had a hat on. She was swinging a bag in her hands. ‘I think you’re mean,’ she said.

‘Why - what’s the matter?’ I asked.

‘You told me last night you were going to take me ashore. What d’you think I am, to leave me waiting half an hour up on that old gangway?’

‘I thought you didn’t care to go,’ I said, ‘you didn’t seem keen at breakfast just now.’

She laughed under her hat.

‘Where d’you keep your brains, little boy? I’ve sent the rest off hours ago. Don’t you know anything about women?’

I stared at her for a minute and then I smiled. That was all right then. I knew where I was now. ‘I’ve learnt a whole lot in two minutes,’ I said. Then we went on deck to see if there was a boat going ashore. We got one to ourselves. We sat back in the stern. She sat on my handkerchief so she didn’t have to dirty her dress.

‘I’ll fall if you don’t hold on to me,’ she said. I put my arm round her and she leant against my shoulder. It was all right. I heard myself laughing rather too loudly.

‘There’s your friend,’ she said. I looked up and saw Jake watching us from the bridge. He waved his hand. I waved back, feeling a fool. Why did he have to be there?

‘He’s quiet, isn’t he?’ said Carrie, ‘he’s ever so different to you.’

‘Yes,’ I said.

I did not want to think about Jake. I wanted the morning to be fun. Somehow I wished he had not been up on the bridge to see us go.

 

The excursion party had left when we got ashore. They had all taken little pony carriages up to some mountain. There weren’t any we could have.

‘We don’t need to go, anyway,’ said Carrie, ‘there isn’t a thing to see way up there but a view.’

‘I was afraid you’d be disappointed,’ I said.

‘I don’t care. Say, what sort of a place is this? Anyone would be buried alive living here.’

‘You don’t like it?’ I asked.

‘It sends shivers down my little spine.There aren’t any of those cute shops like you see in some of these villages. I was hoping I’d see something I’d like in a fancy way. A bag, or a scarf made up in those fascinating colours you find everywhere.You’d have got it me, wouldn’t you?’

‘Of course I would.’

I was glad there were not any shops in Gudvangen. What sort of a fool would I have looked, turning out my pockets to search for money that wasn’t there. I’d have to borrow some off Jake when we got to Balholm. We strolled along by the water’s edge and we found a path that ran beside the fjord at the foot of the mountain. One of the white falls crashed down ahead of us. That was where Jake and I would have climbed had we started off early in the morning. It would be too far for the girl, of course. I helped her up to a ledge of rock; she sat there with her legs dangling over the side, and took her hat off and I guessed she thought she was looking good. She was, too. I swung myself up on the ledge beside her.

‘You’ll get bored at this, won’t you?’ I asked.

‘Oh! I hardly ever get bored,’ she said, ‘I get a kick out of almost everything. Don’t you?’

‘Rather.’

‘I bet you got kind of lonesome up in those mountains with that quiet friend of yours, didn’t you?’ she asked.

‘No - I liked it.’

‘It must have seemed slow at times. I just love beautiful things, but I do like a bit of excitement thrown in. Why, I’m crazy over excitement. Didn’t you ever think of all the fun back in London, and movies, and dancing, and all your girl friends crying for you?’

‘I don’t live in London,’ I said.

‘You don’t? Why, I think London’s just fascinating. I’ve had the time of my life in London. I knew a boy there who looked like you. He used to take me motoring every night in his automobile. ’

‘Who shall blame him?’ I said. ‘I’d hire a char-à-banc if you drove with me.’

‘You’re kidding.’

‘No, I’m not.’

‘Say, can’t you get rid of that bum friend of yours and you come along and join us for the trip. We’d have lots of fun.’

‘I can’t - we hang around together, Jake and I.’

‘I can see he’s not your sort, he’s not got an ounce of pep.’

‘He’s fine,’ I said.

‘I don’t know what you call fine. I think you’re mean if you don’t come with us. I’m having a terrible time on this party, I don’t mind saying. Mary and Matty looking at each other with great eyes. . . .’

‘You’ve got two other fellows.’

‘I know them too well. What’s the fun of anything when you know a boy too well?’

‘Sounds all right to me,’ I said.

‘Aren’t you a little ray of sunshine? I guess we like the same sort of fun, don’t we?’

‘I’m going to find out,’ I told her.

‘Optimistic, aren’t you?’

‘Yes.’

‘You make me laugh a lot.’

‘Do I?’

‘Say - we’ll have a party tonight at Balholm, what d’you think?’

‘I think it’s an idea,’ I said.

‘We’ll find a char-à-banc and then you can put over some of your rough stuff.’

‘That suits me all right.’

‘Listen to me, big boy; are you one of these hundred-per-cent tiger men who rush at a girl and get her flustered?’

‘I don’t know -’

‘Well, aren’t you going to show me?’ she said.

 

We looked up and saw the little line of pony carriages coming down the mountain path above Gudvangen. She reached for her bag and dabbed at her nose with an inch of powder.

‘Of course those jokers
would
show up just as you were getting me excited,’ she said. ‘Isn’t it just like life with a big L? Come on, baby, we don’t want to be left behind in this place.’

It was all right for her. She didn’t seem to feel anything. She’d powder her nose and stay cool whatever happened. It wasn’t so good for me. I felt terrible.

‘We don’t have to go,’ I said, ‘we’re all right here. The boat doesn’t start for hours yet.’

‘Yes? And do you promise to sit here and keep your hands to yourself ?’

‘Don’t be a swine,’ I said.

‘That’s it - just like a man, calling me names. Is it my fault the pony carriages came down the hill at that moment?’

‘Come and sit down again,’ I said.

‘No - not in these great open spaces. Not with your friend looking at us with field-glasses from the top deck.’

‘He’s not looking, damn his eyes.’

‘I guess he is. He doesn’t like me, he thinks I’m leading you astray.’

‘Did he tell you so?’ I asked.

‘No - but I can see it in his big grey eyes. Get up.’

We scrambled down the hill and joined the launch as it was putting off to the steamer. The others had gone on in the first launch. I was glad we did not have to meet them.

‘You’re going to feed with us,’ said Carrie.

I took her word for it. I did not care what happened. I did not want to eat, anyway. I made no attempt to look for Jake when we came on board. I thought I caught sight of his back in the smoking-room, but I didn’t bother to find out. After all, he could look after himself. If he didn’t care about my party nobody forced him to join it. I felt somehow awkward with them in front of him. I looked a fool before all of them. When he was not there I got along famously with the whole crowd. If he joined us I’d be uneasy at once. He made them look silly because he was so different. I liked him being different, but I’d rather he was different alone with me. Fooling with them was not the same as fooling with him. I could do both equally well and be on my own ground, but if he saw me talking and laughing with them I should be self-conscious at once, as though I were forcing things and being unnatural.