I'll Be Seeing You (14 page)

As Kyle peered down at her, his expression was first one of shock, followed by disbelief and stunned silence. He took a step backward. “What happened to you?”

She clenched her fists, digging her nails into her palms, hoping that the physical pain would replace the emotional pain and keep her from crying in front of him. She’d
thought she’d prepared herself for such reactions, but she wasn’t prepared. She remembered all the times he’d taken her hand and his face had lit up with a smile. But now he was seeing her in all her ugliness, all her deformity. “Cancer. When I was twelve. They cut it out, but left me looking like this.”

“Cancer? Are you all right now?”

“I’m free of cancer,” she said, but knew she’d never be “all right” in his presence again.

“But why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you say something while we were in the hospital?”

“I couldn’t think of a good way to work it into the conversation.”

His expression clouded, and anger formed lines around his mouth. “You should have told me.”

“I liked having you think I was normal. It was a nice change for a boy to talk to me and treat me as if I were a real person. Instead of a freak.”

“You aren’t a freak,” he said sharply.

“I’m hardly material for a modeling career, now, am I?”

“Why do you have to handle everything like it was a big joke? This isn’t funny, Carley. You lied to me. Worse—you carried off a sneaky scheme to keep me from the truth. If I hadn’t come here today, I’d have gone the rest of my life thinking you were somebody you weren’t!”

She understood his anger, but she had no tolerance for it. “It was
my
face.
My
life. I didn’t owe you anything. Stop criticizing me.”

“You made out like we were friends. Like you cared about me.”

“I did care. I—I just didn’t think my physical appearance was any of your business.”

He stepped closer and she felt the bookshelf against her back. “You didn’t trust me,” he snapped. “You figured that what you looked like would determine if I liked you or not. That wasn’t fair!”

“I’ve seen the way guys look at me, Kyle,” she fired back. “Can you believe that not one of them has ever looked me in the face and asked to be my friend? Or my boyfriend?”

He took her by the shoulders. “Well, I’m not like other guys.”

“Right.” She twisted out of his grasp. “If Steve and Jason had actually seen the real me that day in the hospital and said to you, ‘Man, that girl is ugly,’ what would you have done? Would you still have wanted to hang out with me? Would you still have asked me to your school’s dance?”

He glared at her. “We’ll never know, will we?”

She pulled herself up to her full height.
“I
know. Tell me, aren’t you the tiniest little bit disappointed that I’m not the ‘babe’ you thought I was? Isn’t there some small part of you that isn’t totally shocked and disappointed? Remember, I saw your face just a while ago when you first looked at me. And I remember all the times you told me you thought I must be pretty.” Now
she
was angry, and tired of being defensive about what she’d done. Kyle would never understand,
could
never understand what it had meant to her ego to have him believe she was attractive.

“All right, so long as we’re finally being honest, yes, I’m disappointed. I’m sorry you’re not what you wanted me to believe you were. I’m sorry you had cancer and that your face is messed up. I’m sorry I said things in the hospital to make you think your looks were important to me.”

His words brought her no satisfaction. What had she expected him to say? “Then I guess we both got something out of this whole thing, didn’t we? For a while you got to think I was pretty and I got to think some guy liked me. Too bad illusions can’t be real life.”

He glared at her without speaking, but she didn’t care. As far as she was concerned, their discussion was ended. There was nothing left to say. Slowly Kyle slipped his sunglasses back onto his face. She wondered if the glare of the overhead lights had begun to hurt his eyes, started to ask, but thought better of it. No use letting him know how much she still cared about him. Better to make a clean break and put him out of her life once and for all.

He asked, “Do you know what I learned
when I was blind, Carley?” She shook her head, not trusting her voice. “I learned how to see. Corny, huh? I learned that vision can be a handicap because it allows us to make judgments based on what our eyes show us.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy I have my vision back. I’m not sure I could have made it through a lifetime in the dark. But in some ways it would be good if everyone could spend some time without their vision. It teaches you what’s important.”

“Just like being disfigured teaches you,” she countered. “But I’d rather have read the lesson in a book than experienced it.”

He ignored her barb. “Do you know what blindness taught me about you?” He didn’t wait for her to answer. “It taught me to see you from the inside out.”

“Ugh—with all my blood and guts?” She’d tried to crack a joke.

He refused to be diverted. “I didn’t come here today to embarrass you or to hurt your feelings.”

“So why did you come?”

“All I wanted was to say thank you for helping me through my time in the hospital.
And to see your outside and how it fit with your inside.”

“I’m sorry the match-up didn’t work out,” she said.

“You’re right, it wasn’t what I expected.” He turned toward the door. “It wasn’t what you led me to expect.”

Tears stung her eyes, but she refused to let them escape. “I’m not sorry,” she insisted. “Not one bit sorry that you once thought I was pretty. It was the first time in my life someone did.”

“Well, I’m sorry,” he said, pausing at the door. “I’m sorry you didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth.”

She raised her chin, willing it to stop trembling. “When you tell Steve and Jason the truth, what will you say? How will you describe me? Don’t answer. I know what you’ll say. It’s what everyone who ever sees me says. You’ll tell them that my face is a wreck.”

“Can a plastic surgeon fix your face?”

“Just this past week I met one who thinks he can. Funny, huh? If you and I had met
two years from now, I’d be much more acceptable. Bad timing, Kyle.”

He pulled open the door.

“By the way,” she called. “I release you from your invitation to your school’s Valentine dance. Believe me, it wouldn’t be much fun for you with everyone staring at your date.”

“It wouldn’t be any fun being with a girl who didn’t want to be there,” he tossed back.

“This isn’t my fault,” she said stubbornly. “I gave you what you wanted: a pretty girl who kept your mind off your pain and problems in the hospital.”

“You haven’t even got a clue about what I want, Carley. And the sad part is that no amount of my telling you will make you know.”

“Go away,” she said. “I don’t want your pity. And I don’t need your charity.”

He nodded curtly, stepped through the doorway into the busy bookstore, and was gone.

C
arley moped for days after Kyle’s visit. Secretly, deep in her heart, she hoped that he’d call. Not that she’d given him any reason to call her, but nevertheless she still held on to the hope that he might. But as the week passed and he didn’t call, she abandoned hope.

She experienced a profound sense of nostalgia as the middle of February crept closer. She missed her days in the hospital when Kyle had “seen” her through the eyes of imagination. She thought about Reba and called her.

“How’re you doing?” she asked.

“Wonderful!” Reba fairly bubbled into the
receiver. “I was thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. Did you and Kyle ever connect once you got home?”

Carley couldn’t bear to go into the whole mess, so she simply said, “No. But I told you before I left the hospital nothing would come of us.”

“Too bad. He was a nice guy and I thought he liked you a lot. I went to visit him after you went home, and all he did was talk about you.”

The news twisted like a knife in Carley’s heart. “But he’d never seen me,” she reminded Reba. “Seeing me would have spoiled all his notions about me. Don’t forget, Reba, love and beauty go together.”

“Maybe not. I have a boyfriend and I’m no beauty.”

“You do!” The news drew Carley up short. “Tell me about him.”

“His name’s Mike and he has cerebral palsy. We met at school, in our special ed. class. He’s really super and he likes me, Carley. He’s come over to my house and he’s coming on Valentine’s Day too. We’re going to watch a video.”

Carley felt a twinge of jealousy. Reba was in a wheelchair and she had a boyfriend. Jealousy quickly passed as she recalled what Reba’s life was like. She said, “I think that’s terrific,” and meant it.

But after she hung up the phone, Carley felt more alone than ever.
Wait till I get my surgery
, she told herself. But it didn’t help much. It might be two years before she looked more normal and by then high school would be over. And Kyle would go away to college. Their paths would never cross again and he would never get to know her without her scarred face.

What does it matter?
she asked herself. She’d ruined any chance they might have had anyway. Still, she knew she would never forget him. Never. He was the first boy who’d ever treated her as if she were attractive. He was the first boy she’d ever loved.

Janelle was especially nice to Carley on Valentine’s Day. She bought her a big box of chocolates in the shape of a heart. And her parents gave her a card with a gift certificate to her favorite department store.
But so
what?
she thought. They were family and they always tried to make her feel better about the one holiday of the year she hated most.

Even Jon came through with a card for her. She told him thanks, but decided that he’d only done it to rack up brownie points with Janelle. Jon gave Janelle a dozen red roses, two cards, and a gold bracelet with a miniature gold heart dangling from it. It was pretty and Carley told Jon so when she sat with him and Janelle in the atrium during lunch break.

Students milled around the sunlit garden area waiting for the class bell to ring. “Want to come with us to the Mudpie after school?” Janelle asked.

“Mom’s taking me to get this cast cut off,” Carley reminded her. “Tomorrow I have to go to Rehab and really start working to get my leg back in shape.” Carley was glad to turn down Janelle’s offer. The last thing she wanted to be was a third wheel on Valentine’s Day with Jon and Janelle.

Jon leaned back on his elbows. “No more Rollerblades?”

“Naw. I’m switching to bungee jumping.”

Jon and Janelle laughed.

As they walked out of the entranceway door, they saw a crowd of students. “There’s a plane buzzing our school,” someone called.

“No way!” a boy shouted back.

“I’m not lying. It’s dive-bombing us.”

“Get on out here,” Janelle called to Carley.

Carley sighed and hobbled along.

“I don’t see anything,” Jon said.

“He’s coming around for another pass,” a boy reported. “Just wait a minute.”

“If this is your idea of a joke …,” someone else said.

“I’m telling you, the plane’ll be back.”

Carley heard the buzz of a small engine moments later. She gazed heavenward, and all at once saw the single-engine plane swooping down from the west.

“There it is! See, I told you,” the boy shouted.

Fascinated, Carley watched along with the crowd of students as the plane dipped lower and lower.

“What’s that guy doing?” Janelle asked.

“Beats me,” Jon answered.

Carley continued to watch along with everyone else. Trailing behind the plane, she now saw, was a sign in big red letters.

“He’s got a sign,” Jon announced. “What’s it say?”

“This must be some dumb advertising gimmick,” another kid said in disgust.

As the sign unfurled behind the small plane, Carley couldn’t believe her eyes. “ ‘Carley, Be Mine. K.W.’ Who’s Carley? Who’s K.W.?” someone asked.

Carley’s heart skipped a beat. She remembered what Kyle had said about his uncle and his own love of flying. Had he somehow persuaded his uncle to buzz the high school and fly the banner? Was Kyle in the plane with him? She read the banner again and laughed as she heard a girl say, “That’s the most romantic valentine I’ve ever seen or heard about!”

On the other side of her she felt Janelle take her elbow. “You hate Valentine’s Day? Kyle and you are through, huh? My, my, baby sister, remind me never to believe anything you tell me again!”

Carley stood speechless, watching the plane pull the long sign across the sky directly over the school.

“Are you saying this is the work of that guy, Kyle, from the hospital?” Jon asked, unable to disguise his disbelief.

“And very good work it is,” Janelle cooed. She turned to Carley. “So what do you say now?”

Carley couldn’t speak. A lump the size of a fist was clogging her throat. Kyle truly cared about her. Why else would he have gone to so much trouble and expense? Why else announce to the world he wanted Carley as his valentine?