If You Only Knew (And Then Came Love Book 1) (34 page)

“I’m going to head home. I’ll call you later.” Audrey waved.

“Bye, Aud.” Liza returned the wave and headed for the elevator.

Julian followed behind her. “We need to talk.”

“I believe you said more than enough yesterday.” Liza got on the elevator and pressed the close door button.

Julian moved in the elevator before the door could shut. “You two go shopping?”

“A real genius, aren’t you?”

“If you needed something why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I remember a conversation in which I left you.” The elevator doors opened and she headed toward her apartment. She leaned against the wall

Julian glanced at the door. “Are we going in?” Was she really going to fight with him in the hallway?

“Why don’t you try your key?” She folded her arms across her chest.

“I already did. You changed the locks.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. He’d never seen her this mad before.

Liza rested her hands on her belly. “Do you see my belly?”

Julian raised his eyebrow then nodded. What was she getting at?

“In case you’ve forgotten, I have a little girl growing right here. My baby is my priority,
not
you.”

Her words cut through him like a knife. It was his baby too. “Our baby.”

Liza pursed her lips. “It doesn’t matter what I feel for you. If you’re going to treat me like shit, I need to reprioritize my life.
My
daughter doesn’t need a father who can’t control himself.”

A couple with two small children in tow strolled past them on their way to the elevator.

“Can we go inside and talk about it, please?” He had no desire to air his dirty laundry to her entire apartment building.

“Mommy, look how fat that lady is,” one of the boys said.

“Come along, dear.” The mother gave Liza an apologetic glance.

“And look, that man is in trouble.” The little boy nudged his brother “She looks like Mommy when we get a time out.”

The other boy shook his head. “No kidding. When Mom gets that mad at Daddy there’s a lot more shouting.”

Liza bit her lip trying not to laugh. She opened the door to her apartment and motioned Julian inside. She closed the door behind her and started to chuckle.

“I want to hug those kids.” Julian closed the gap between them. “I’m so sorry about yesterday. You know how I get sometimes.”

“Cut the crap. Quit using your disorder as an excuse. It doesn’t give you an excuse to be cruel, Julian. If you have racing thoughts or are concerned about something
talk
to me. How many times do I have to say that?” She rubbed her lower back. “Did you ever think about sharing those thoughts going through your head, rather than accusing?”

“I’ve tried telling others about the thoughts, but it gets all jumbled and everyone takes it wrong.” Julian sat down on the couch.

“You’ve never tried it with me. You lump me in with everyone else, instead of giving me a chance.” She joined him on the couch. “I love you, Julian, but I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I have a baby to think about. I don’t need another child.”

“I’d never hurt the baby.” Julian turned his hand over on his leg, hoping she’d take it.

She looked over at him. “How much did you have to drink last night?”

“More than I should have.” Why did their conversations always have to come back to his drinking?

“I haven’t pushed the issue, but you need to get that under control. I won’t let our daughter get berated by someone who drinks uncontrollably.”

“Is that what I do? I my memory may be suspect in this case, but I don’t remember berating you.” Julian wracked his brain.

“What the hell do you call it when you accuse me of having an affair with my uncle rather than use logic or voice it in a question. Think about it. If I were having an affair, and let me state emphatically, I’m not, but if I did, would I be so stupid to parade him around your family? Besides, he’s old enough to be my father. I won’t put my daughter through what I’ve been through.”

“Wait, what do you mean what you went through?” Julian rested his hand on her back.

Liza looked down at her hands. “My grandmother was a functional alcoholic. Every night at ten she pours herself a glass of brandy and starts drinking. Two drinks in you might want to run for the hills, because everything you do is wrong and it doesn’t matter who you are, you will get put down.”

“I had no idea. How do you—”

“Because over the years I’ve learned, as long as I’m not there when she starts drinking, I don’t have to deal with her drunken antics.” Liza scratched the back of her head. “This is the reason your drinking bothers me so much. Because I’m terrified you’re going to end up like my grandmother.”

Julian hauled her into his arms. “I don’t want to be that person.”

She tugged his arms off of her. “Then you need to get help.” She patted his leg. “Go home. I need some space. You pissed me off. I’m willing to forgive you, but not right now.”

Julian let out a deep breath. “I love you, Liza.”

“I know.” She pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Go home.”

Julian stood and walked to the door. She didn’t say she loved him. His heart clenched. Had he screwed this up enough she fell out of love with him?

She waved at him. “Bye.”

“Bye.” He lowered his head and left her apartment.

*****

November 5
th

Julian poured a drink when his phone rang the next day. It was Liza. Their talk had him craving his next drink even more. “Hey, babe.” He stared at the drink before dumping it down the sink. Baby steps.

“I’m out of couple essentials, would you consider taking me grocery shopping?”

“Of course. Anything you need.” Julian couldn’t believe how excited he was. She’d called him and didn’t sound mad. Glad he didn’t drink. “I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

*****

By the time they entered the third aisle Julian was done. The craving for the first drink of the day weighed heavy on his chest. He wanted it . . . no, he needed it drink. Sweat beaded on his forehead and he wiped it with his shirt sleeve.

“Are you okay?” Liza placed a hand on his shoulder.

Julian nodded. Their conversation from yesterday raced through his mind. If he took a drink now she’d hate him. No way would she stay with him if he continued his path with alcohol.

When she gave the ring back it broke him. His heart raced. There was nothing keeping her with him now. She could leave at any moment. His breaths came in gasps.

Liza took his hand and squeezed. “Julian.”

He met her gaze, yanked his card out of his wallet and handed it to her. “I need to go to the car.”

“Are you okay?”

“No.”

“Go, I’ll be done here soon.”

He caught her by the shoulders and hauled her into his arms. He didn’t want to let her go. And yet that’s what he was about to do. The thought of her leaving was more than he could take. The only way to save his own heart was to leave her. He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, what’s wrong?”

“Just know I love you.” He turned and headed out to the car. His mind raced and his heart clenched. Maybe, if he let this stew for a couple days he could get out of this funk and try to make their relationship work, but he doubted it.

*****

A knock on the window woke him a little while later. He stepped out of the car to help Liza with the bags.

“Some of this stuff is baby stuff. Can I leave it at your place? Mine is full from the baby shower.” Liza put the last few bags in the truck and closed it.

“Sure. Just leave them at the door, I’ll get them later.” He pushed the cart to the corral and then got in the car.

Liza came around to the driver’s side and got in. She peered over at him. “Did you want to hang out today?”

“I’m having another episode and rather than risk saying something I don’t mean, I think it’s best if I go home.” He stared across the parking lot. He couldn’t look at Liza.

“How bad?”

“Bad enough I don’t trust my mouth.” His voice sounded cold, even to him. “Did you want to stop by your place so I could help you with your groceries?”

“No, there’s not that many, I can handle it.”

Julian nodded and let the conversation drop. The rest of the ride home was done in silence.

She pulled into the driveway.

He climbed out of the car. “Which bags did you want to leave here?”

“The two in the backseat.”

“All right. I’ll take them in. He leaned across the seat and kissed her cheek. “I’ll catch you later.” He grabbed the bags and headed into the house.

He placed the bags by the door and headed for the lab. Closing the door behind him, he leaned his head against it. He heard Liza come inside and call his name. He stood there until she left. He was an idiot and he knew it. He punched the door. “Fuck me.” He shook his hand and cursed again. He had to find a way to help himself. 

Opening the door, he headed for the kitchen. He yanked the bottle of whiskey out of the cabinet, opened it, and took a long drink. Catching sight of Liza’s car. She was crying, he could guarantee that. He almost went to her, but instead took another drink and headed downstairs. Locking himself away from the pain he was feeling. He’d have to work his way up to telling her they were through, if he could do it at all.

*****

November 6
th

Liza called Julian a couple times. No answer. She dropped onto the couch and tossed her phone on the couch next to her. He could be a complete asshole, but God how she loved him.

The door to the apartment opened.

Julian staggering through the door. His eyes were bloodshot. He stumbled toward her.

“I hope you didn’t drive.” She went to him.

He looked awful. His hair was mussed, in needed of a shave, and he reeked of alcohol. His knees buckled when he tried to take another step. Instead, he leaned against the doorway, staring at his feet. “Took a cab.”

“Thank God.”

“It’s over.” He looked anywhere but at her.

“What is?” She crossed her arms over her chest.

“This. You and me. Us.” He motioned to her and him. “I’ll send you money for the baby but I’m done. I can’t do it anymore.”

“What are you talking about? Aren’t you even going to be around to see her?” She clenched her fists and set them against her hips.

“No.” He still avoided her eyes. “I don’t want to be a part of your life . . . or hers.”

His comment floored her. She stood there staring at him.
She heard him wrong, right
? “Excuse me?”

“I said I don’t want to be. . .” He let the sentence trail off as he reached for the door handle. “Bye, Liza.”

“If you walk out that door, we’re through, for good.” She bit back the tears threatening to overwhelm her. She had to do what was right for her baby and if it meant letting him go, she would. Maybe sometime in the future if he found the help he needed.

“I’m sorry.” Julian mumbled as he walked out of the door and out of her life.

Liza grabbed her phone off the coffee table and dialed Drew. Her call went to voicemail. “Call me, it’s urgent.” Then she tried Ava and Audrey. No one answered.

She dropped the phone on the couch and sat down. Despite their fights and disagreements, her heart always told her he was the one for her. Had she spent the last eight months of her life in a lie? She took a deep breath and as she did it felt as if her heart shattered into a million pieces.

Chapter Nineteen

November 11
th

Pounding on the door woke Liza, early Sunday morning. She’d slept on the couch since Julian left, unable to sleep in her own bed because of the memories. She shoved on the arm of the couch in an attempt to make it to a sitting position. The pounding got louder.

“Liza, if you don’t open the fucking door, I’m going to break it down.”

Drew? She glanced at the clock. One nineteen in the morning. What in the hell was he doing here? “I’m coming.” She used the coffee table as a counterbalance to stand up and waddled over to the door.

“What the fuck took you so long?” Drew forced his way past her into the apartment.

“Screw you. You didn’t even bother to answer my calls or texts!” Liza rested her hands on her hips, the door wide open. “The only reason I opened this door is because you threatened to break it down. That big mouth of yours is going to get me kicked out of here. Now if you’re going to be an asshole like your brother you can leave.”

Drew rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. “Sorry, Liza.” He looked down at the ground shuffling his feet. “What happened between you and Julian?”

“Like you care? I’m not worth your time.” Liza turned away from him. Her fists clenched at her sides. She took a deep breath, trying to get her racing heart under control. Spinning around, she advanced on him, and jabbed a finger at him. “Now you show up here demanding my attention. Well, I’m done with men who can’t control themselves but feel the need to control me.”

“So you left him?” Drew raised his hands in a gesture of surrender.

“No, he showed up here drunker than Katie’s goat and told me it was over.” The baby kicked her hard in the ribcage. “Ouch!” She doubled over and stumbled toward the couch.

Drew caught her and helped her sit down. “What’s the matter?”

Liza rubbed the area below her rib cage, in an attempt to get the baby’s foot to move. “She tends to get agitated when I’m under stress.”

“Fuck.” Drew stepped away from her. “I need to talk to you about Julian.”

“No, Drew. I’m done. Go home, I don’t want to hear it. Whatever excuse he’s using, I do
not
want to hear it.” Liza waved her hand.

“He’s not making an excuse, Liza, he’s in the hospital.” Drew sat down in the chair next to the couch. He touched her shoulder.

She looked up at him.

His eyes filled with tears. “The doctors said it’s alcohol poisoning. They pumped his stomach and have him on IV fluids and vitamins to bring his blood sugar up. They’re monitoring him, but—” Drew wiped the tears from his eyes.

Liza covered her mouth trying to control her own tears. She knew way too much about the topic to make light of it. “What are his chances?”

“I don’t know. His blood alcohol level was .38.”

Her hands trembled. “I should have pushed the issue. I should have called your Dad, Audrey, any—” she sobbed and buried her head in her hands.

Drew’s arm came around her and he hugged her. “It’s not your fault, Liza. I should have answered your call on Tuesday or at least called you back. Would have saved a lot of headaches.”

“And what was so important you couldn’t call me?”

Drew opened his mouth, but closed it and shook his head.

Liza held up her hand. It wasn’t the time. “I need to see him?” Liza whispered. Her heart ached. She didn’t want to see him in his condition, but she had to.

“He looks like hell.” Drew let out a heavy sigh.

“Please.”

“Let’s go.”

*****

Liza stood outside the hospital room moving her pendent across its chain. She reached for the door handle, but then yanked it away. Drew stayed in the waiting room, she wished he’d have come with her.

She stared down. Her belly blocked her view of her feet. She couldn’t get her feet to move, it was as if they were frozen to the floor. Willing them to take a step didn’t work either.

The door opened, she pressed her eyes closed, refusing to look up. She knew it was someone in his family.

Strong arms hauled her into a bear hug. “We’ll get through this.” Everett’s voice soothed.

“I don’t think so.” She wiped at her eyes. “The last thing he said to me was he didn’t want anything to do with me or the baby.”

Everett stiffened.

She peered at him.

His lips were pursed and he shook his head. “Was he drunk?”

“Yeah, but isn’t there some unwritten guy rule about the things you say when you’re drunk hold an element of truth?”

“He’s bipolar, Liza. He says things he doesn’t mean all the time.” Everett drew her into his arms. “He’s rough. They pumped his stomach and gave him two bags of fluids so far. And it’s been awhile since he had a shower.”

“Great.” Liza let out a deep breath and let Everett lead her into the room.

Julian lay in the bed hooked up to monitors with IV lines running from his hand. She stopped her in her tracks. She gasped and let out a sob. “I can’t—” She turned away. Her breath came in gasps and her chest ached.

Everett rubbed her back. “Breathe, Liza. You need to calm yourself. Long, deep breaths.”

She closed her eyes and focused on her breathing. She needed to think about the baby. Going into to labor now would not be good for anyone. She blew out a couple more deep breaths before she was able to get herself under control. “Drew said, it’s alcohol poisoning?”

Everett nodded. “He was out cold when Drew found him. We think he fell, he’s got a helluva gash next to his right eye.”

Liza glanced over to see the gauze covering an area near his temple. She blew out another breath. “Why would he do this to himself?” She sank into the chair next to his bed. She touched his hand. It was cool to the touch. Another tear ran down her cheek. Careful to avoid his IV, she rested her forehead against his arm.

A hand touched her shoulder. She glanced up to see Gramps standing next to her. Drew had joined them as well.

“In answer to your question, Liza, this isn’t the first time he’s done something like this.” Everett let out a sigh. “He had a bit of a drug problem as a teenager and ended up OD’ing on cocaine at sixteen.”

“What?” Liza sniffed.

Gramps sat down next to her and handed her a box of tissues. “Everett and I sat in this hospital eighteen years ago, wondering the same things we’re wondering now. Will he live?”

Everett pulled out his phone and scoffed. “Eighteen years to the day. It’s the eleventh of November.”

“I don’t understand, you’re such a wonderful family. Why would he . . .” She covered Julian’s hand with her own.

“The eleventh of November?” Drew sat in the corner of the room, away from everyone else. “How much of our childhood did he tell you?”

“Not much. You two were kidnapped as babies and reunited with your family at twelve. He mentioned abuse, but didn’t elaborate.”

Drew stood and motioned for his chair. “Have a seat, Dad, it’s time you knew this story, too.”

Drew sat down on the corner of Julian’s bed facing Liza. “You figure it’d be different when you grow up with a mother who wanted children so much she kidnapped you from the hospital. That wasn’t the case with us.”

Gramps patted Drew on the leg.

Drew gave Gramps a sad smile and looked at Liza. “I always wondered if the reason she couldn’t have children was because she was no good with them. Aside from regular beatings and the emotional abuse, she left us home alone a lot. And I’m talking leaving us alone at the age of three. She’d lock us in a bedroom for hours upon hours with a couple toys and no food.”

“That’s awful. Couldn’t someone hear you two crying?” Liza squeezed Julian’s hand. Even though he wasn’t telling the story, it was also his story.

“She tended to move us around a lot and we always lived in the country. Never any place where people would hear us scream or cry.” Drew paused and peered at his brother. “Julian’s always been a bit of a smartass, even as young as three. He tended to get it worse because he couldn’t prevent himself from saying or doing the opposite of what he was told to do.”

Everett chuckled and Liza saw him wipe his eye. “That’s my Julian. After you two came home there was never a dull moment.”

Gramps laughed. “I wonder where he got that from? Shit, Everett, it didn’t matter how much trouble you got in, you had to have the last word.” He leaned over to Liza and pointed to Julian. “That man right there is more like his father than you will ever know.”

Liza ran her fingers up and down Julian’s arm.

Everett winked at her.

“Anyway, it was rough for both of us. And it didn’t get any better. We were six years old when Ester – that was her name – brought home a new boyfriend. A real winner. He liked Ester just fine, but what he really liked was little boys.” Drew paused. “The date hit me. If I remember right, it was the eleventh of November, because we had a Veteran’s Day program, it ran long, and they let us out of school late.”

Everett rose and walked over to wrap his arm around Drew’s shoulders. “I thought it only happened to you.”

Drew patted his dad’s hand and sniffed. “Julian didn’t want anyone to know, so I kept his secret. He was attacked before me. I wasn’t home, he stayed home sick that day. When I got home he was cowering in the corner of our room, and wouldn’t tell me what happened. Then two days later, when I got sick he screamed and yelled and begged for me to go to school. I found out why later that afternoon. He did things even I don’t like to admit. Julian found me when he got home and we cried together, that’s when he admitted the sexual abuse happened to him as well.”

“Jesus. I can only image how guilty he felt that he couldn’t stop it from happening to you.” Everett blew out a breath. “What I wouldn’t give to strangle that bitch.”

“Would have saved us all a world of hurt.” Drew patted Julian’s leg. “The second time it was just him. A new boyfriend with the same penchant for little boys. We were seven at the time. I woke up in the middle of the night hearing sounds, I went crazy and hit the guy in the head with a baseball bat. Ester woke up and we moved that night. Not because she believed us, because she was afraid someone would call the cops.”

Liza wiped the tears from her eyes and touched Drew’s arm. “I had a friend in Elementary school who was in the foster care system. She was raped and murdered at ten years old by the man supposed to be taking care of her. I can’t imagine what the two of you went through. I became a case manager, to try to prevent that from happening to anyone else.”

“He’s going to be pretty pissed when he finds out I told you. He’s never told anyone.”

“He told me.” Gramps looked up at Drew.

“He did?”

“Well, not on purpose. When he OD’d I stayed with him that night. He faded in and out most of the night. At one point he started crying and told me everything. He didn’t remember telling me afterwards, but we did talk about it.”

“And you both kept it from me.” Everett sighed.

“He made me promise not to tell you. He didn’t want you to think any less of him.” Gramps rested his hands on his knees. “I know you wouldn’t have, but he was sixteen and in a bad spot. I figured he’d tell you one day.”

“He’s my twin. I promised I’d never tell. I only did it now, because he needs help. He’s not going to get better if he doesn’t deal with everything. And that’s part of it.” Drew wiped his tears on his shirt. “I think it’s time for another intervention. If he does this again, he’s not going to make it.”

“Another—” Liza’s gaze darted between Everett, Drew, and Gramps.

“Once he got out of the hospital after his overdose, he stole money and the car keys to go buy more cocaine.” Gramps looked over at Everett who shook his head.

“We had him arrested and Dad convinced me to let him sit in jail overnight.” Everett peered at Julian. “I’m not sure what you said to him, Dad, but Julian was a changed kid when he came home.”

Gramps leaned over to Liza. “Ask him about it. I bet he’ll tell you.”

“I’d just be happy if he woke up.” Liza squeezed his hand, hoping he’d squeeze it back, but no such luck.

The door opened and a nurse came into the room. “There’s only supposed to be two people in here at a time.”

Liza blew out a breath. “I’m not family—”

“The hell you aren’t.” Everett stood and looked at the nurse. “I recall my last name being on this building. Would you like to inform your supervisors why the Vitalli funding stopped?”

Liza whispered to Gramps, “And now I know where Julian got that from.”

Gramps shrugged. “They both got it from me. I used to be in the mob.” He winked at Liza.

She cocked her head. “I thought Julian was joking when he said that.” Was he telling the truth or not?

The nurse pursed her lips. She pushed past Gramps and Liza to change the bag of fluid.

Liza moved her chair so she was out of the nurses way, but could still hold on to Julian’s hand. When the nurse was done, she also checked the IV lines.

Julian’s hand closed around hers.

Her gaze flew to his face.

He blinked.