If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1) (39 page)

“You’re
not keeping my kids away from me, Perri. You tried that shit before; I dare you
to do it again, because I will not be responsible for my actions if you do.”

“Are
you threatening me?”

“To
the same extent that you’re threatening me,” he said, hoping to get through to
her.

“You
know what, Barrington? Some decisions change everything forever. I hope you’re
prepared for the fallout.”

“Hell,
Perri, I wasn’t prepared for any of this madness. I didn’t sign up for none of
this shit. But it is the reality I’m facing. And because you said ‘I do’ to me,
you’re facing the same reality, too. So I suggest you put your big girl panties
on and let’s deal with this shit storm head-on as the married couple we are.”

“Well,
for your information, when I agreed to marry you, fool that I was, it was for
Imani’s sake only. So technically, I didn’t sign up for none of this shit,
either.”

They
stared at each other until Perri began rubbing her belly and back and had to
take a seat.

“Baby,
are you all right?”

“Don’t
talk to me,” Perri hissed, taking slow, deep breaths.

“You're
not being fair, Perri, and I know it's only because you're not thinking
straight. As a matter fact, at the moment, you're not yourself at all, baby.”

“You're
wrong, Barrington. I'm the same me I've always been. And if you weren't so
caught up in that evil woman's bitter lies and tangled web of deceit, you just
might be able to see that for yourself.”

“It's
an innocent baby, Perri,” Barrington said softly, dejection set in his tone.

“What
am I supposed to do with that, Barrington? I mean, you got all the answers
right? So what the fuck else do you want from me?” She bent forward from a
sharp pain in her abdomen.

“Perri,”
Barrington knelt down in front of her, his hands on either side of her
forearms.

“Get
your damn hands off of me,” she shook him off.

Barrington
was taken aback, unable to hide the pain of his wife’s outright rejection.

“All
I want from you is for you to answer my damn question. What do you want from
me?”

“To
care, Perri,” Barrington said heatedly.
Why didn't she know that
?
Rising
to his feet, he placed some much needed distance between them as he
deliberately crossed to the other side of the living room, where he stood
watching his wife through hooded eyes. When Perri only glared at him, he
offered, “I'll be back, Perri, just let me go see about Nia.” Shaking his head,
he told her, “She doesn't have any family here, or I would call them myself to
go take care of her needs.”

“That's
not my fault.”

Barrington
sighed tiredly. “I know it's not your fault, Perri.”

“It's
not your fault either, Barrington.”

“No,
it's not,” he agreed. “Baby, I'm only trying to get you to see it through her
eyes. She knows she's never going to have me; she's all alone and—”

“Then
she should go back to her own home across the border, or wherever in the hell
she came from, I honestly can’t really be bothered to give a damn,” Perri
snapped, pissed off by what she considered Barrington’s unnatural concern for
Nia and her well-being, or not so well-being. Whatever. Perri didn't care; he
had no business going to her for any reason. Period. Nia wasn't his wife she
was.

But
if
her
husband dared to walk out that door, even her marital status
would change in an instant. He could believe that or not, because there was
absolutely no controlling the damage to her broken heart that he just
singlehandedly caused. Perri swiped angrily at her tears, determined not to
shed another tear over the two people in this world who have destroyed her
heart and devastated her self-image more than anyone else could ever hope to do.

“After
all that I have been through at the hands of you and Nia, Barrington, I don’t
owe either one of you a damn thing, least of all my understanding, and
certainly not my loyalty.”

“Perri,
I can understand why you'd feel that way.”

“Then
you feel me when I say,
if
you go to her, you stay with her.”

“Perri,
you're hurt—”

“Yes,
I am hurt, Barrington. You feel my hurt, right?” She blinked rapidly, and
angry, hot tears seared her face again without her permission. “So, you
understand, if you leave here, if you go to that woman's side,” she shook her
head as her bottom lip trembled, somehow, feeling in her spirit what he'd
choose—had already chosen in his heart, “you don't need to bother coming back
because my arms won't be open to welcome you in.” Perri doubled over in pain,
willing herself to calm down for the sake of her unborn son.

Automatically,
Barrington started toward her again, and just three paces from her, froze when
she raised her right index finger halting him where he stood. The only reason
he didn't ignore her gesture of warning was for the concern of his unborn son,
and most of all, for his wife's momentarily unstable well-being. But God, how
it ripped his heart out to not touch her. “You don't mean that, baby.”
God,
please don’t let my wife mean that
.

“Oh,
yes,” Perri looked around her wildly, seeing the closest object to her was the
lamp on the end table which she snatched up and threw across the room, where it
shattered on the floor. “Yes, I do, too, mean that.” With much effort to ignore
the stabbing pains in her abdomen, Perri pulled her body to an upright stance
and glared hatefully at the stranger before her. She jutted her chin defiantly.
“I mean it, Barrington. If you're going to Nia it will be without my blessing.”

“Meaning
what?” His heart hammered in his chest and he could hear it beating in his
ears.

Perri
sucked in a breath, determined he wouldn't see her falter. It took every ounce
of strength she could gather together from the quaking storm brooding inside
her, but she knew she had to be strong, for her kids, as well as herself. She
had to be. Didn't she? When she was fairly sure her voice wouldn't betray her
with a crack, Perri said, “I’m going to pack everything I own and get the hell
out of
your
house for good. I will not step foot back into
your
house again. I will not let you back into my good graces or my heart a third
time, Barrington Rashaad Knight.”

Barrington
stared at Perri, as hurt infiltrated his spirit, piercing his very soul. She'd
just punctured his heart, refusing to administer CPR on the wounded organ
beating ferociously for her inside his chest. His wife's words defeated him in
a way she'd never know. Or did she know? He wasn't sure of anything anymore.

All
Barrington knew was that his world was about to crumple underneath him, again.
And again, he'd be powerless to stop the fallout of the aftermath once the
storm was over and the dust had settled once again into the lives of his
children and now, thanks to Nia, his possibly ex-wife, the woman he loved with
every ounce of his being. As he watched Perri struggle inwardly for the courage
not to fall apart in front of him, Barrington knew he was looking at a pillar
of strength that he could only call
his
virtuous woman. His cell phone
rang. He knew who it was without looking at the display screen.

Out
of respect for his wife he turned around so Perri wouldn’t have to watch his
face as he answered the call of the woman she despised like no other. “What,
Nia?” he barked into the phone. “By now you could have gotten an ambulance to
the hospital. I’m on the way now.” He resentfully disconnected the call.
Barrington inhaled a deep breath and turned to find an empty spot where his
wife had been standing.

The
following day, Barrington sat in the hospital lobby, slumped forward, his head
buried in his hands; he cried again for the loss of his son.

After
he'd left home yesterday, Perri had gone into labor. He had no idea until after
it was too late. Like a fool, he'd been in the delivery room with Nia as she
gave birth to their daughter. What devastated Barrington more was the fact that
he'd been the one to make the call without discussing it with Perri first. All
he was told when they got to him was that the baby was breach and because they
couldn't get him turned around without him possibly choking on the umbilical
cord that was already wrapped around his neck, and his wife ended up having to
have an emergency C-section.

Perri
had already lost a lot of blood. Everything happened so fast, it was touch and
go, especially when she started to bleed internally which caused severe
hemorrhaging, and she lost consciousness. It was at that point the doctor knew
one of them wasn't going to make it and, it was left up to her husband to
decide which one they would focus their energy on saving—like the other wasn't
worthy of their time and medical attention, or something.

Just
like that, Barrington was told 'one of them but not both of them.' Either, or,
like it was the most normal thing in the world being told you had to choose
between the wife you loved more than life or the child you desired more than
your next breath. Barrington had been terrified he'd never see his wife alive
again, so he made the only decision he could, choosing to save the life of the
woman he loved more than life itself. It had been a hard choice, but he knew it
was the only one to be made. What killed him was he wasn't permitted to be in
the room with his wife as she gave birth, by way of C-section, to their stillborn
son while unconscious. The ironic thing being that down the hall, Nia gave
birth to their
healthy
baby girl. Life was so unfair to his wife.

“B?”
Crush knelt down in front of his big brother.

Barrington
just hugged him as violent sobs shook his body.

When
Barrington got his bearings and looked at his brother, he saw tears in his
eyes.

Crush
pulled Barrington’s forehead to rest against his own. “I know what you’re going
through, man. I lost a child, too.”

“W-What?”
Barrington stammered, dumbfounded by his little brother’s revelation.

“A
couple years ago, Journey was pregnant; we lost the baby.”

Barrington
blinked several times, fresh tears refilling his eyes. “Why didn’t you tell
me?”

“I
was ashamed,” Crush answered honestly. “Still am. The point is, the regret you
having I know what it’s like to have to live with it. You be a better man than
me, B. You stick this shit out and ride the turbulent wave with Perri, man. I
wish like hell every single day of my life I could go back and get the shit I
messed up with Journey right. I don’t think she’ll ever see me the way she did
before our miscarriage. I’m lucky as hell she gave me a second glance, much
less a second chance. Perri is mad as hell and she has every right to be. But
she was there for me when Journey and I lost our baby. Being here for you is my
way of paying it forward to her now for what she unselfishly did for me back
then when she had no reason to hold my hand through my pain, loss and grief.
You got a fucking gem in Perri, man. Don’t you dare lose your woman, B. Take my
advice for what it’s worth to you.”

“Thank
you for sharing your pain, loss and victory with me.” Barrington hugged his
little brother. “It’s worth more than the world to me, Crush. I love you, man.”

“I
love you, too, B.”

***

Journey
walked into Perri’s hospital room to find her best friend crying silent tears. She
took off her shoes and without a word, she gingerly crawled into the bed behind
Perri and held her friend as she continued to shed silent tears, knowing
firsthand that words were not enough and yet they would be too much, if she
could think of any to say. Recalling the anguish and sorrow that losing her
baby had caused in her heart, Journey cried silent tears with her best friend.

***

“You
stay away from my family, Nia, you hear me!” Barrington ordered. “You stay away
from my wife and my daughter!”

“Well,
that's gonna be pretty hard to do, Barrington, considering I have one of your
children too,” she had no problem reminding him.

“You
know what? That's neither here nor there. And I wouldn't be so quick to throw
that up if I were you, considering you had yourself impregnated with my sperm
without my consent or knowledge.” As an afterthought, he added, “And I can
still have you brought up on charges for kidnapping my daughter and for
stealing my sperm.”

Nia
lowered her eyes with undeniable shame.

Barrington
was only bluffing since his lawyer told him he couldn't bring charges against
Nia for stealing his leftover sperm since she didn't actually forcibly remove
it from his body. And really, it would be hard proving he didn't actually have
sex with her at any time since knowing her. It was his word against hers, but
Nia didn't know that, and he worked it to his advantage.

Barrington
thought about the little girl he shared with her, whether he wanted to or not.
It wasn't
her
fault and he couldn't very well take it out on her.
However, he was not going to stand there and let Nia twist this whole situation
around to her advantage; there was no way he was going to let anybody talk
about his family, which now, thanks to Nia's deception, included his second
daughter, too.

As
if she knew exactly where his thoughts had transported him, Nia smiled, saying,
“Her name’s Jour’Darrien. I call her Jordy for short,” she explained.

All
Barrington could do was stare at her because what he really wanted to do was
shake what little sense she seemed to have left clear out of her head. And
since she was already in her own hospital room, she wouldn't have far to go for
treatment.

“Please
don’t look at me like that.”

“Like
what?” Barrington’s voice was cold as ice and hard as stone.

“Like
you hate me, or something,” Nia said genuinely hurt by his reaction to her.
This was not at all how she planned things to turn out between her and the man
she loved and father of her beautiful baby. But there had to be a way to show
Barrington she deserved his love not his hate.

“How
should
I look at you, Nia?”

Instead
of answering, Nia swallowed hard, fighting back stinging tears.

“I
don’t understand, Nia. I’ve been nothing but good to you as your boss. What
possessed you to do something so crazy to me and my family?”

“You!”
she shouted, tired of his ‘what about me’ routine. “I did what I did because of
you.”

“No,
Nia! I’m not the one at fault here. I did nothing wrong, including leading you
on. And, if I recall, I offered to set you up with my cousin Kane. All I ever
did wrong with you was try to help you out. So, you’re not gonna lay this mess
at my doorstep.”

“Sir,
I—”

“And
since we apparently share a child together,” Barrington cut her short, “don’t
you think calling me
sir
is a little silly.”

“Maybe,”
was all she said as a smug smile tugged at the corners of her ruby-red lipstick
painted lips.

Witnessing
the beam in her eyes just pissed Barrington off beyond description. “Don’t get
the wrong idea, Nia. I didn’t mean that in a good way.”

“Of
course not,” Nia bit back disappointment. “How could you mean it in a good way
when all your thoughts are occupied by Perri,” she stated bitterly.

“
She
is my
wife
, the mother of my children—”

And
to him that made her what
? “So am I!” Nia screamed,
frustrated.

Ignoring
her tantrum, Barrington told her, “Perri is the love of my life—always has
been. And, Nia, she always will be.”

There
was nothing Nia could say to that, no way she could compete with the true
confessions coming out of Barrington’s mouth. And the look in his eyes told her
that he meant every word he said in reference to his feelings for Perri. That
meant he had no room in his heart to feel anything for her. She was the same as
she’d always been to him, which was just a
nobody
except for the fact
that now he preferred not to have any dealings with her at all, unless you
count his obvious animosity toward her. And wasn’t that a bitch? But still, could
she really blame him?

“So,
um, exactly where does that leave Jordy in your family tree?”

Barrington
snorted, not believing her never ending gall. “Exactly where you placed her,
Nia; in a tough situation,” he said bitterly.

“Which
means what?” Tears filled Nia's eyes. “She is your daughter, too, Barrington.
Forget about me—”

“Trust
me, I'm trying,” he interjected.

“Don't
take it out on Jordy, though.” Reaching inside the nightstand Nia produced a
picture. “She's beautiful, just like you.”

He
didn't want to, but Barrington was compelled to accept the photo Nia extended
to him. Tears stung the back of his eyes and he forced his emotions to the back
of his mind. With all of his being he desperately fought the root of bitterness
that tried to set up camp in his heart, knowing he needed to stay in control of
the situation, lest Nia gain the upper hand. Staring at the picture in his
hand, he had to admit Nia was correct. The little girl, his youngest daughter
was beautiful; with the exception of having her mother's emerald green eyes she
looked just like his first daughter, which meant she looked
just
like
him. Barrington wondered how that could be when they had two different mothers,
but he wasn't going to discuss that with the mother of his second daughter. But
Jordy sure was a beauty. He smiled in spite of the anger that still consumed him
as far as Nia was concerned.

“You're
welcome to have a blood test, if you like.”

Barrington
glared at her. “I think we both know that won't be necessary,” he snapped.

Nia
nodded. “The offer stands just the same.”

Barrington
chose to ignore Nia this time; he needed time to think and he couldn't do it
with her around. “I'll be in touch,” he said tightly through gritted teeth.

Nia
opened her mouth to say something, but thought better of it, as she watched the
man she loved turn to leave her hospital room. “Keep the picture,” she called
after him.

***

“Boy,
what are you doing out here?” Mattie asked with her hands on her hips.

Barrington
looked up from the picture of Jordy he was studying surprised to see Perri’s
grandmother was actually still talking to him. “Ms. Mattie,” was all he could
say, his voice thick with unveiled emotion.

“Tears
are cleansing for the soul, Barrington.” Mattie held her arms wide open to him.
“There’s healing in tears, son.”

Barrington
made short work of taking up residency in the older woman’s loving embrace, as
he cried like a wounded, abandoned, frightened animal in the shelter of her
arms.

Ten
minutes later, Mattie asked, “You ‘bout done feeling sorry for yourself, son?”

Barrington
laughed in spite of the pain in his heart. “I love you, Ms. Mattie.”

“I
love you too, Barrington. You didn’t answer my question, though.”

“Perri
doesn’t want me around,” he offered in his defense.

“Somebody
gotta make the first move. Could you not be the first to bend?”

Barrington
laughed out loud. “Lord knows your granddaughter won’t be.”

“Amen,
amen, and yes and amen,” Mattie chuckled. “More times than not, I’d like to
take Perri over my knee and give her a good sound spanking the way I did when
she misbehaved as a defiant, strong-willed child. God love her soul.”

“I’d
pay big money to see that,” Barrington said and chuckled. “I hate having to ask
you this, Ms. Mattie, but how is my wife doing now?”

“She
got a hole in her heart the size of Texas,” Mattie said honestly. “But it’s not
your job to fill it up, son. That’s God’s place and only He can heal Perri’s
broken heart. Deep down she knows that, too, Barrington.”

“I
don’t suppose you got any words of wisdom for me, Ms. Mattie?” Barrington
laughed and didn’t know why.

“Laughter
is good medicine for the heart, son, so that’s a step in the right direction.”

“I
guess. But, really, what makes it so ridiculously funny is how pathetic my life
now is.”

“You
can change that outcome anytime you get ready,” Mattie said.

“What
you talking, Ms. Mattie?” he asked thoroughly baffled by her comment.

“I
hate to pull the age card, son; but you’re a good bit older than my Perri. I
know you’ve experienced more of life than she has. My granddaughter tends to be
on the naive side when it comes to how she believes life should work; to her
everything is black and white and she leaves little if any room for any gray
areas to exist. It’s her way or the highway.”