If I Forget You (30 page)

Instead of telling her not to laugh like she thought he might, he laughed with her. “That’s pretty funny.”

“Yeah …”

“Do you want to come back to my place?”

She took a breath and calmed herself enough to stop trembling. “Why?”

He shrugged. “You seem pretty upset. Do you want something to eat? Tam and I were starting some pancakes.”

Pancakes with Tam. Ugh. She knew he was only trying to get her to stay longer so he could try to help her. But she needed to be alone … far, far away from Tam. She looked down at her bag. “Not today, but thank you … for listening. For everything.”

He slid his hands into his pockets and gave her a longing look. “I’m here when you need, okay? This thing with Kent
—
”

“Thanks, Owen,” she interrupted. “I’ll deal with it my own way. I’m sorry I even mentioned it.”

He let out a sigh. “Avery, please let me help you. It sounds like something you shouldn’t be handling on your own. Please?”

“I’ll see you around,” she snapped, rudely enough that he took a step backward.

“Sure,” he said, his voice cracking.

As he turned and walked back to his house, Avery knew things would never be the same. Studying with him would be too awkward now. Even meeting him at the hot dog truck would be awkward. No, if Tam was involved, the friendship was over.

26

Avery knew she had no choice but to go home after work. She spent two hours repairing books at the library and clocked out early. The room was too quiet without Heaven, who had left a note asking her to visit Jordan at the hospital that evening. Staring at the note, Avery felt the hole in her chest grow bigger. Seeing him would only widen it even more.

When she got home she hurried up Chloe’s front steps. She practically ran through the entryway, intent on reaching her room without seeing anyone.

“Avery!” her mother called out.

Squeezing her eyes shut and plugging her ears, Avery turned around. “I don’t want to hear it, Mom,” she snapped, her voice extra loud in her head as she kept her hands over her ears. “I don’t want to hear you two fighting anymore. I can’t stand being in the middle of it. Sometimes I wish you would go back home.”

Silence. Avery cracked one eyelid, peeking at her mother standing in front of her. Slowly, she lowered her hands from her ears and opened her eyes all the way. Her mom was at the far end of the entryway, and she looked horrified. Her mouth dropped open as she glanced behind her shoulder at the dining table filled with people. “We didn’t expect you home for another hour,” she said in a hushed voice. “We were going to surprise you.”

Avery stared at the people at the dining table. They looked familiar
—
an older man, big like a teddy bear but strong and muscular, and a beautiful woman with dark blonde hair. Avery blinked. The Royals. Victor and … she couldn’t remember his wife’s name. She couldn’t see Ryan or Chloe, but it was possible they were in her blind spot.

“What are they doing here?” Avery whispered. “Don’t we usually have them for dinner earlier in the month? You know, the week of Dad’s
—
”

“We missed it this year because you were here. I thought I’d call them while I’m here and see if they could visit.” Her mom’s shoulders slumped, her expression filling with disappointment. “I thought you’d be happy to see them and talk about your dad.”

“I … it’s just after this morning … after you and Chloe …”

“You heard all that? I’m so sorry.” Her mom rushed forward and folded Avery into a tight hug. Avery peeked at the table again, blushing when she realized Victor and his wife had turned around to watch. She pulled away and took a step back into the hallway.

“I’ll be in my room,” she said softly, and rushed to her bedroom as fast as she could.

Her mom knocked on the door a second later. Avery muttered under her breath, pulling the door open. “What, Mom?”

“Dinner’s almost ready. We were planning to eat as soon as you got home. Don’t you want to join us?”

“Not really.”

Her mother’s lips tightened. “Chloe and I fight because we’re sisters, honey. It’s nothing personal against you.”

“Sure doesn’t feel that way.”

“Well, it’s true. We both love you, okay? I just want you to be happy. I’m sorry about what happened with Jordan, but we don’t even have to talk about that if you don’t want to. I’m here to be with you, that’s all.”

Avery opened the door a little wider, her heart sinking as she watched her mom’s hopeful expression crumble. She gripped the door handle. “I’m sorry I said I want you to go back home.”

Her mom nodded. “I miss us as a family. I’ve been lonely, and I thought coming here and trying to patch things up with Chloe might help.”

“Is that why you keep fighting with each other?”

“It’s our way of sorting through it, yes.”

Avery folded her arms. “Is Ryan here?”

Her mom’s cheeks reddened. “Yes, I’m sorry. He’s living with his mom and Victor now. I couldn’t exclude him from the invitation.”

“It’s okay.”

Avery wasn’t sure if it really was okay, but she didn’t know what else to say. Seeing him would be incredibly awkward, to say the least, but what did she have to lose? She’d already lost everything except her family. She thought about Tam’s pouty face at the party, about her dad’s grave covered with fall leaves as the flags flapped in a cold breeze, about Owen walking away from her that morning, about Kent disappearing from every part of her life except her nightmares, about Jordan in the hospital, probably complaining about his casts and not thinking of her for one single second. She opened the bedroom door all the way and hugged her mom as tightly as she could. If this was all she had left, it was okay. Her mom had always been the only one who understood and forgave her for everything.

“I love you, Mom,” she whispered. “What’s Chloe making for dinner?”

* * *

Ryan seemed uncomfortable the whole way through dinner. He poked at his green beans and sipped his drink, and when everyone else was finished his plate was still mostly full.

“Not hungry?” Victor asked after he finished up a story about her dad, one Avery was sure he had told twenty times and she’d forgotten.

“Nah.” Ryan looked up, sweeping his gaze past Avery. He’d avoided looking directly at her all through dinner. “I was wondering if you guys would mind if I took a walk outside? My stomach’s not feeling the best tonight.”

Avery watched him walk out the front door. She felt her entire body relax once he was gone. The last time she’d seen him had been when they’d kissed. She looked down at her hands, surprised to see them trembling. For the next hour she listened to the others talk about her dad. Chloe even had a few stories Avery was surprised to hear. She smiled, listening as best she could as her mind kept wandering outside with Ryan. Finally, Chloe served dessert and Avery ate half of hers before standing up to excuse herself.

“Got some homework to do?” her mom asked, smiling as she reached for Avery’s hand.

Avery squeezed her mom’s fingers and smiled at Mr. and Mrs. Royal. “Yeah, a bit. Thanks for coming, you guys. Me and Mom appreciate it a lot.”

Victor nodded. “Always worth it. Good luck in school.”

Avery headed for her bedroom but stopped when she reached the entryway. Maybe Ryan was close by. Something inside her desperately wanted to see him. She still felt shaky, as if her body hadn’t used up all the adrenalin from seeing him again. She quietly opened the front door, grabbing a cardigan off the coat rack before slipping outside.

It was dark and the streetlights shone like little moonbeams down the street. The smell of cigarette smoke drifted to her nose and she looked over to the hedges dividing Chloe’s yard from Jordan’s. On a flat boulder near a tree sat Ryan, smoking.

Avery walked down the steps, shoving her hands in the cardigan’s pockets in an attempt to control her anxiety. It wasn’t as if Ryan had ever hurt her. She had no reason to be nervous.

“Smoking help your stomach?” she asked, smirking.

He shifted a few inches across the boulder to give her room to sit down. She took the invitation and sat next to him. She shivered a little. The cold of the boulder seeped through her jeans.

“Want some?” Ryan held out his half-finished cigarette.

“I don’t smoke,” she laughed. “I didn’t know you did.”

“Habit I picked up a few months ago,” he said, shrugging. “Try it.”

She took the cigarette and put it between her lips, inhaling as lightly as she could. The smoke filled her mouth and she swallowed a bit and coughed deep in her throat. Opening her mouth, she watched the rest of the smoke float away. Ryan watched her, and for some reason she couldn’t explain, she took another drag, and another. Her body started to relax as she got the hang of it.

“Like it?” he asked as she returned the cigarette.

“Not really, but it was worth a try.” She leaned forward and ran her hand through the cold grass. “So, what happened to your lofty goals of photojournalism? What about the Marines?”

“Haven’t decided on anything yet,” he said after a long drag on the cigarette. “I’ve just been living with my mom and Victor in California. It’s nice there and I’ve been able to get by without doing much.”

For the first time that evening she really looked at him. His hair was shaggier now. The scruff on his jaw looked untidy. It made his crooked nose even more apparent. She opened her mouth, a million questions on her tongue. She couldn’t choose just one to ask as she remembered the unapologetic way he’d kissed her. It was clear to her now why he’d let her throw herself at him like that. He’d thought maybe he could get away with stealing a piece of her and Tam. He couldn’t make up his mind, just like he couldn’t make up his mind about his life now. He seemed completely lost, and in that moment she finally realized kissing him hadn’t entirely been her fault. She wanted to hate him for that, but now that so much time had passed, she only felt sorry for him.

“Are you okay?” she asked, turning to face him as he finished his cigarette and stubbed it out on the rock. “I mean, after that whole Tam thing?”

He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a lighter and a pack of cigarettes. “Shouldn’t I be asking if you’re okay? I heard about what she did to you.”

She watched him light a new cigarette. The flame flickered through the darkness and lit up his face. He looked so sad. “Yeah, it was pretty bad, but I hope you don’t blame yourself. It was really all my fault.”

“Yeah, I heard about that too.”

She stiffened. “You did?”

“Tam sent me an email about how you forget everything. She told me your side of the story.” He looked at her out of the corner of his eye. “Why didn’t you tell me? I would have understood.”

Avery stared at the glowing end of his cigarette. “You mean she didn’t blame it all on me?”

He shook his head. “She told me about how you forgot our kissing deal, how it made you look like you were trying to steal me away from her. She told me she wanted to forgive you. She said she missed you and she was sorry, but I think she had too much pride to let go. I tried to get back together with her after all of that, but it didn’t work out. There was always the memory of you between us and she couldn’t handle it.”

Avery’s mind reeled. “If she wanted to forgive me, then why did she bully me the
whole
year? She could have stopped it.”

Ryan blew out a long stream of smoke. “Like I said, it was her pride. Sometimes it’s easier to hold on to what hurts you.”

Avery looked up at the sky as she let that thought sink in. There were no clouds, and some stars twinkled through the city haze. A soft breeze blew through the leaves, whispering like hushed voices. She turned to glance behind her shoulder at Jordan’s house. His bedroom light was off. She imagined what it would be like for him when he could come home, immobilized, reading a magazine or watching his fish or flipping through television stations. She turned away. Even though she was refusing to see him anymore, her heart was still gripped tightly by the memory of him.

“You didn’t answer my question,” Ryan said as he finished the second cigarette and put it out on the rock. “Are you doing okay?”

“I asked you the same thing.”

For the first time, his lips cracked into a smile. “I guess you did, huh?” He leaned a little closer to her, searching her face. “You don’t need to worry about me. I’ll be fine.”

“I’ll be fine too,” she answered, dropping her gaze to his mouth. She didn’t really want to kiss him, but for some reason it was an appealing thought. Then she remembered Kent and she backed away and cleared her throat. “Thanks for asking, though.”

“Anytime.”

He lit up another cigarette and she pulled her cardigan closer as he started talking about photography and the things he was looking forward to doing someday. It seemed he knew what he wanted. He just hadn’t grabbed it yet, just like she couldn’t grab what she wanted.

Glancing up at Jordan’s window again, she swallowed a lump in her throat. It was hard to grab what you wanted
—
especially if it was the same thing hurting you.

* * *

Another week went by in a blur. Avery kept on top of her homework, made it to her classes on time, and clocked in for her full shift at work every day. Heaven was there sometimes, but more often than not she left a note inviting Avery over to the hospital, and then to the house once Jordan was discharged. It was relentless and pointless. Mrs. Meadows, or Professor Meadows, as Avery called her in public now, cornered her every day after class.

“Jordan is improving,” she told Avery on Friday. “I think he’s accepted how long it will take to heal. He’s not as angry.”

“That’s good,” Avery said, forcing a smile.

Karma smiled back. “Do you think you’d like to come over? It should help him, especially now that he’s improving.”

Avery shook her head and hugged her biology book to her chest. “I don’t think so. Not yet … but thanks.”