I Want (9 page)
Authors: Jo Briggs
“Ok, if you go behind the curtain and
take off your top, I can have a closer look at the wound.”
“The wound seems to be healed perfectly,
so I do not believe that is what is causing your symptoms. I am going to send
you over to my colleague in the centre to have them do an internal, and
abdominal ultrasound within the next hour. The receptionist will be able to
give you directions, and then I will see you back here later today, after the
scan.”
Elle sighed at the prospect of waiting
around all day, even if it were within the state of the art private health
practice.
“Ok, but do you have an idea of what
is going on?”
“I have my suspicions, but I will get
a better idea after the tests – we should have a definite diagnosis by the end
of today.”
Elle gave the doctor a small smile,
relieved that a conclusion to her general feeling of poor health could be in
sight.
Three hours later, Elle found herself
on a narrow bed in one of the ultrasound rooms. The ultrasound technician had
placed the familiar cold gel over her lower abdomen before doing a few sweeps with
the scanner. An image came up on the screen, but Elle did not understand what
she was seeing. The technician made notes, and then said she was going to go
get the doctor to come talk to her.
A feeling of uneasiness swept over
Elle. She had had ultrasounds before, and they had never needed to send a doctor
in during the examination in the past. What if the fall had caused irreparable
internal damage to the abdomen after all? At the time of her surgery, they had
said she was lucky to escape with the minor damage she had done.
The door opened revealing her
doctor and the technician. They both huddled over the screen, as Elle’s doctor
did another sweep of the scanner over her belly.
“Ok, well, it would seem all your nausea
was caused by this area here.” The doctor said, turning to smile at Elle for
the first time, as she indicated to a prominent shape on the screen.
Frowning, Elle tried to make out what
part of her anatomy the shape corresponded with, “What is it?”
“This outer shaper is your uterus,
and inside, there is a sixteen-week foetus.”
“Foetus? How can that be?” Elle stammered,
her hand clutching the side of the bed, as she tried to lean in further, to
stare at the screen incredulously.
“Well, it would seem, although the
trauma of your fall caused heavy blood loss and presumed miscarriage, there is still
a viable baby in there.”
“But they said there was no chance
of foetal survival after all the blood loss, they could not find a heartbeat, and
my hormone levels had started to fall.” Elle did still not quite believe what
the doctor was telling her.
“It could also have been that you had
twins, and one of them did come away. If it had its own separate placenta, this
would account for all the blood, and the hormone levels would have dipped because
of going down to one foetus— it would have soon elevated again.”
“Can you tell if this baby is ok?”
“The measurements show it’s a little
on the small side, but nothing to be overly concerned about yet. We just need
to keep a close eye on you through the rest of your baby’s gestation.
“I genuinely cannot believe this.”
Elle finally responded after struggling to find her voice, a powerful sense of shock
vibrating through her.
“I realise it’s a lot to take in after
all you have been through. I suggest you have lots of rest, eat well, and I
will see you again in another couple of weeks,” The doctor suggested. “The bathroom
is through that door, once you are cleaned up you are free to go."
Standing up, Elle thanked the doctor,
and exited the room through the door that had been indicated to her.
~~~
The revelation of what the doctor said
took several days to sink into Elle’s mind properly. At first, she wondered if
she had dreamt it all. Finding the paperwork for another appointment and scan in
her handbag, she knew it was all too real. After getting back from her
appointment, she had quietly disappeared into her room, and spent the rest of
the day searching through pages of information on the internet.
As thrilled, as she was to be having
a baby still growing inside her, despite the loss of its twin, she could not
help but start to wonder how to handle this turn of events. When should she tell
him about the new baby? Did it mean she should go back to him? Yes, she missed
him terribly, but her heart had started to heal, and she was not sure she
wanted to move from New York, now that she was here.
Following more sleepless nights, she
decided that he deserved to know about the child, but she would not change her
mind about needing to remain single. The existence of a surviving baby did not
change the fact; she was not ready emotionally for such an intense relationship,
as the one she had shared with William.
With that settled the next significant
problem was how and when to tell him.
After telling her aunt and uncle the
news, she had asked for their co-operation in keeping it between themselves for
now. She felt she needed to get used to the idea of the baby herself, before
she could cope with telling him. Due to the delicate balance of happiness and
depression that Elle was experiencing, her aunt and uncle agreed, not wanting
her to feel any added pressure of having to tell others, until she was
ready.
Elle maintained this stance for just
a month when she finally told Cate, but with a continued frostiness between her
other sister and herself, she remained silent on the issue with Jess.
With the morning sickness finally abated,
Elle had also decided to give up work as a model straightaway, and moved her
career focus back to fashion design. This had been her primary goal, before
being plucked from obscurity by her first modelling agency. She was already
educated in all the basic elements of putting a design together, from pencil to
computer aided, and then onto pattern and fabric. Her next step would be a
degree course, to advance that knowledge to a higher level, which would help
her on her path to running her own clothes line.
Feeling more confident about her plans
for the future also helped her feel ready to contact William about the upcoming
birth.
Alone in the apartment, she took the
opportunity to dial his number straight from her phone, as he always had that
with him no matter what. Disconcerted by the fact it went straight to voicemail
at first, she managed to leave a brief message, asking him to phone her. After
hearing, nothing back from him, she tried again on several other occasions, but
it simply rang off and went to voicemail. On the final occasion, she had even
become so emotional at his silence, she blurted out about the news about the
child, whereas all her earlier messages had been just asking him to make contact
about something important.
Elle became resigned to the fact that
he was not interested in the child, after hearing no response to any of her
messages, after several weeks. Dejected, Elle remained unwavering in her determination
to do her best for their child, even if he was not.
She tried to keep the strain of William’s
rejection from affecting the baby, but after Elle had experienced sharp
abdominal pains, she had visited the ER to be told she was suffering from pre-eclampsia,
beginning a cycle of uncertainty as to whether the baby would go to full term,
or be born via emergency C-section.
Her doctor arranged for her to be transferred
from the emergency room and admitted onto a maternity ward so they could hook
her up to a machine to watch the baby’s heartbeat rate and movement, and to
monitor the baby for any distress. After just a few hours, it became clear the
seriousness of the situation was escalating further, and to save both Elle and
the child an emergency C-section was performed bringing the child into the
world four weeks premature.
~~~
July 2004
The next day passed in a drug-induced
haze. As soon as the prescribed medicine brought the pre-eclampsia under
control, her son was delivered, leaving the hostile environment of her uterus,
in favour of the neonatal unit. Following an anxious phone call from Annette to
Cate about what happened, her sister had shown up the second morning after the
birth. Seeing her sister by her bedside, as she awoke from a short nap, Elle
smiled weakly at her sister’s crumpled appearance. “Hi sis, you look almost as
knackered as I feel.”
“Gee, thanks.” Cate consciously brushed
a hand over her hair and top. “I came to see my nephew straight from the
airport!”
“Ha, yes, he is melting hearts already.
Have you been to see him?”
Cate nodded, “Only through the window
of the neonatal unit though, he is attached to more tubes and wires than I
expected.”
“They have a few concerns about his
lungs and other things,” Elle explained.
Cate touched her sister’s hand thoughtfully
“Are these concerns going to affect him long term?”
“To be honest, I actually do not know,
just having to take each day as it comes, for the time being. He is four weeks
premature, so he needs time to catch up to the level he should be at birth.”
“Do you want me to get a message to
William through Charlie about his son’s birth? Maybe he would want to see him,
if he knew he was so sick,” Cate asked gently. She did not understand why he
had ignored all of Elle’s messages, after coming to see her that day, Cate had
felt sure he would come running to her side when he found out about the baby.
Elle shook her head, “No. He has had
his chance. I only want my son to have reliable people in his life.”
“I know you are hurt by his
silence, but what if he didn’t get the messages, and what if the baby takes a
turn for the worst, and William never gets to say goodbye to him.” The silence
did not sit well with her, and she sensed there was something amiss, but as
Elle seemed determined to go it alone, she would not broach her suspicions for
now.
Elle turned her face away from Cate’s
gaze “Can we talk about something else please?”
Cate sighed at Elle’s stubbornness.
“So, have you been out of bed yet?”
Elle shook her head. “But, the nurse
said that I could try to do a short walk today. I just want to be able to get
approval from the doctor, to leave the ward and head down to the neonatal unit
myself.”
As the nurse came into the room to
do her regular checks on Elle’s blood pressure, Elle yawned slightly.
Noting Elle's yawn prompted Cate to
stand up from her chair. “I think that is my cue to head out and freshen up. I
am meeting with Annette and Lawrence for lunch, so I will see you after that.”
~~~
Elle’s doctor cleared
her as strong enough to leave the ward after completing several short walks
with the nurse’s help over the next day or so, allowing Annette to wheel her
down to the unit, to spend time with her baby.
The neonatal unit
offered the latest state of the art medical facilities that justified the hefty
private insurance she paid for. Her son was among several others, who were under
the care of a level 2a speciality care unit, as he had needed supplemental
oxygen, until the mild respiratory problems of his premature birth were
resolved. His paediatricians did not have time to give his underdeveloped lungs
a steroid boost, due to the rushed C-section.
After being buzzed
through the security door to the unit, one of the nurses asked which baby she
was coming to see. “Baby Benedict,” was her reply, as she was still deliberating
what name to give him.
“Ahh, he is over here.”
The nurse said, leading them to the far corner of the room. “He is doing exceptionally
well considering his prematurity, and we should be able to take him off the
oxygen later today.”
“Is there any way
I could hold him?” Elle asked the nurse hopefully. She had only held her baby once
since the birth, and that had been only fleetingly, in the first few minutes
after he had been pulled through her abdominal incision, before they whisked
him off into an incubator.
“Of course. If you
can give me a few minutes to rearrange his drips, I will be able to remove him
from the incubator.”
The nurse disappeared
off to organise things, leaving Elle alone with her aunt. “Have you given any
more thought to what you are going to name him? You honestly cannot keep
referring to him as Baby Benedict indefinitely.” Annette suggested gently.
“I know, but I have
been worrying more about his health problems than a name.”
“Well, as the nurse
said, they are happy with his progress, so now you can just relax and think of
one. I thought you had a short list of only a couple when we last discussed
it?” Her aunt said, pushing her to make a decision. She had lost a child a
couple of days after its birth herself, and she had felt rushed into naming him
whilst in the midst of grief. She wanted to protect her niece from that
feeling, should the baby take a turn for the worst.