I Want (10 page)

“Yes, Christian
or Matthew– although, still learning more towards the former.” 

Christian had been
one of the names, she and William had discussed at length when they originally
found out about the pregnancy. She felt, deep down, that she owed it to him to
stick with a name, they both liked, in spite of the failure of their relationship.

Fin
ally, the nurse returned, ending their conversation as the attention
of both of women was diverted to the small, squirming bundle being handed into
to Elle’s open arms. Pushing the blanket away from his face, Elle stroked her
fingertips gently on his cheek, familiar sapphire blue eyes staring up at her,
as the baby yawned slightly. “Hello, little darling,” she cooed.

“He certainly looks like you.” Annette
spoke after several minutes of remaining silent, whilst Elle talked quietly to
the baby.

Elle nodded thoughtfully, her fingers
lightly touching a small curl that could be seen escaping from beneath the knitted
bonnet on his head. “Yes, but he has William’s eyes and hair.”

After a few more minutes of quiet chatter
to the baby, the nurse interrupted them, and encouraged Elle to try to breastfeed
him, as it was nearing his feed time. As his stomach was still delicate, his
feeds had up until then been made through a drip, or a formula bottle of her
pump extracted breast milk. The doctor and Elle had discussed the importance of
attempting to get him used to trying to suckle as soon as possible, to aid in
the bonding process between herself and the baby after their awful start.

With the baby satiated, and settled
back into his incubator, Annette wheeled Elle back to the ward, before leaving
her to go to sleep. As her aunt was leaving Elle turned to her and said, “I
think he looks like a Christian, don’t you?”

Annette smiled. “Yes, I think Christian
would suit him.”

~~~

The next four weeks between Christian’s
actual birthday, and the one he would have had if the pregnancy went to the
full term, was the most dramatic Elle had experienced. Despite the strong
start, her son made, his little lungs still struggled to work by themselves,
leading to repeated setbacks, during which he had to return to mechanically
aided breathing. 

With the dismay of seeing her son’s
health yo-yoing, combined with lack of sleep over the dread of what the longer
term might bring him, Elle’s earlier depression and lack of appetite came back,
with a vengeance. This, in turn, led to her own doctor questioning whether she
could cope with tending to a frail child, if they discharged them too soon.

Her doctor felt she was suffering from
a form of postnatal depression and, after some inpatient therapy working through
her guilt, she could accept the past and move on. Finally, four weeks after the
birth, Elle was released from the hospital with Christian following two weeks
later, giving her time to decorate of the nursery as she had originally planned
to do in her final month of pregnancy in the intervening period.

The only benefit Elle’s American mother ever gave her was to be classed
as a dual citizen, enabling her to stay in New York indefinitely. 

For Elle, the therapy,
she received for her postnatal depression, during those first nine months,
gradually helped her into a fresher outlook for single parent motherhood, and a
new career. She was focussed solely on all the development lessons the doctors
suggested to bring Christian’s learning up to as close to the standards of a
child of a similar age. She never did go back to modelling, supporting herself
and her child on the monthly allowance from her small trust fund, bestowed by
her grandfather, and interest on her prior earnings. They certainly did not
struggle, living in a spacious two-bedroom beach cottage in Hamptons part of
the time, and a city condominium the rest of it. 

Once he had his first
birthday, he was put up as a candidate for bilateral cochlear implants, with
the surgery taking place months later. Employing the skills of a Listening and
Spoken Language Educator for Christian, Elle decided she wanted to explore the
Auditory-Verbal Education route, before he entered school. She was still undecided
whether placing him in a more mainstream school would be best. A close friend
of hers ran a small, private funded deaf school in Northern England that she
would be interested in looking into, once he was four.

Just after Christian’s
second birthday, Elle started on a two year fashion design degree at FIT, which
gave her one-year of study in New York, and another in Florence. Elle opted to
take her first year in New York, so Christian could keep a regular childcare
routine, with her aunt Annette helping whenever she could fit it around her own
children, with any supplemental needs met by a part-time nanny, Beth.

With Christian’s paediatrician
having long been satisfied that he had recovered from all the problems his
premature birth caused, and the later surgery to ease his profound hearing
impairment, Elle moved to Florence for the second year of the course. 

Once the course was
complete, she had the summer to move from Florence to Yorkshire before Christian
started school in September. With her plans to set up in a series of boutiques
in New York, Paris, Florence and London within the first two years of her
ambitious business plan, Elle opted to have him be a full-time boarder, within her
friend’s exclusive, private school in London. Christian had grown into a confident
little boy, who had a wealth of mutual friends including her friend’s own son,
so she knew he would be fine in that environment, away from her for long
stretches of time. She only planned to keep it that way for the first year, or
two, whilst her fashion label, established itself. 

She felt quite anxious
about moving back to England, Yorkshire, in particular, due to its proximity to
William’s Derbyshire home. She had only been to England once in all the years
since she had left him. The topic of William had been taboo for any discussion,
since his rejection of her during the pregnancy, especially since Cate had
warned her that he had been heavily involved with an old friend of Elle’s,
Charlotte, in the last year or so.

The situation left
Elle cold, she knew William was free to move on, but she felt her supposed friend
owed her more loyalty. She was a believer in never dating someone whom had been
with one of her friends, as a mark of respect to that friendship, a belief that
Charlotte knew all too well that she followed. 

As far as Elle was
now concerned, their friendship was terminated. Something that Elle made Charlotte
all too aware of, when she placed a thunderous slap across her face, after
Charlotte taunted her that William was interested in the baby she was carrying,
but, not in Elle’s, when she had encountered her just a month earlier whilst
scouting out office space in London.

Now back in
England full-time, as distant as her relationship remained with her other
sister, she had been invited to the wedding between Jess and Charlie.

She was only attending
out of a sense of duty, prompted by pressure from Cate, and her aunt, after not
being able to attend the engagement party six months before. Despite sharing
the bond of being one of the triplets, she and Jess had never been as close as
she was to Cate, and the end of her relationship with William, whilst Jess
continued to date William’s best friend, had led to further strain during the
intervening four years.

She knew attending
the wedding would unavoidably bring her into the company of William for the
first time since he had followed her to Cate’s house that day. As uncomfortable
as she imagined seeing him would be, since his rejection of being in their
son’s life, it was nothing to the burning disdain that had been building since
she heard that he had chosen to be in Charlotte’s child life, but not hers.
What
kind of a father chooses one child over another? He was certainly not the man
she thought him once to be.
 

She was intent on
ignoring him for the entire event.

July
2008  

The whole occasion
was being held over three days. A less intimate party in London on the Friday
for family and friends, as well as people who were not travelling to the main
day in Derbyshire, followed by a more selective group moving up to Pemberley in
Derbyshire for the ceremony and dance reception on the Saturday, and then a
late wedding brunch on the Sunday. Pemberley was a large, stately home,
situated right next to the smaller family estate that she and William had lived
in during their relationship, so going there was going to bring many memories
back. Even the first part, in London, was taking place in William’s house. 

William was the best
man, and had offered them the venues after their first location had been double
booked, and they could not find anywhere else at short notice.

Christian was still
up in Yorkshire, in School. She had thought about bringing him, but she was not
ready to let William see him.

Checking her appearance one final time in the
full-length mirror, she was relieved, after a recent exercise regime, to see
there was no trace of her residual pregnancy fat visible where the luxurious
material skimmed over her waist and hips.
She opted to wear a long evening dress that was part of her
first collection.
It was
backless, with a one-shoulder style neckline, made of a rich silver satin
accompanied by diamond and emerald jewellery, emerald green strappy heels and
clutch bag.

She had also given
another dress from her collection for Cate to wear to the party, as the wedding
was being exclusive publicised in a particular celebrity magazine, her designs
would be mentioned. Much to her surprise, Jess asked her to design her wedding
dress and going-away outfit, so they would be in the article also. 

Hearing a car horn,
she glanced out into the street; she saw a cab stopped outside, with Cate leaning
out of the cab window trying to attract her attention. Dashing outside, they
were soon on the way, for the short journey from her house to Williams.

She had only been
to William’s Bayswater house a handful of times during their relationship. They
had spent the majority of their time in Derbyshire, where they led a more carefree
existence away from all the press intrusion. 

As the cab turned
into William’s road, she could not help but think back to the first time she had
been to the house, and the vivid memories of their first night together there.

Shaking her head to
bring herself back to reality, she cursed inwardly that the memory showed the caring
side of the man she was trying to hate, to make it easier to remember the hurt
he had caused, when he had disregarded their child from his life. 

“Are you ready to
make an entrance?” Cate whispered, bringing her back to present, as they were driven
through the iron gates, and down a short circular drive after being let through
the specially laid on security.

“As ready as I ever
will be.” Elle’s face pulled into an uncomfortable expression.

“Don’t worry, I will
be at your side for support.” Cate added, as they exited the cab, and made their
way into the large entrance hall, where the couple of the moment was greeting
the long stream of guests.

Squeezing Elle’s hand
encouragingly, they moved forth to say their hellos to the Charlie and Jess.

Wrapped up in the
moment, Jess embraced both her sisters in unison, her usual icy exterior replaced
by warmth. “Oh my god, I am so buzzed.” She gushed. “I am getting married
tomorrow!”

“The place looks stunning.”
Elle returned the embrace awkwardly, as she stared further into the house; the
large, sweeping staircase had been transformed, with garlands of flowers
wrapped around the bannisters, and white and silver streamers crisscrossing over
the ceiling, from the hallway into the rooms beyond.

“Yes, the party planning
company has done an exceptional job.” Charlie joined in. “But, I think Jenny
will be relieved when we are finished.”

Both Cate and Elle
chuckled as they caught sight of Jenny, William’s ever-dependable housekeeper,
shaking her head at several of the waiters milling around the room that was
already heaving with guests. As they noticed they were holding up further
guests who had arrived waiting to talk to the couple, Cate and Elle moved
onwards to find the rest of their family - Cate’s boyfriend, Zak, and his sidekick,
Dylan, should be inside, along with Annette and Lawrence, and their oldest
child, Rob and his partner Sara.  

Zak and Cate had been
getting steadily serious, since they met at a photo shoot on which Cate had
been lead photographer, whilst Zak had been part of the styling team, six months
earlier. He was well versed in the merchandising side of fashion and was to be
one of the first members of Elle’s launch team. Wherever Zak went, his partner
in crime, Dylan could be found. Every time Elle met him, she enjoyed his
company. He was fun, and a welcome distraction from the loneliness that sometimes
came with being a single mother.

Grabbing Cate’s hand,
Elle rushed them off in the direction of the closest waiter, to grab two flutes
of champagne that she had spied drifting through the throng of people. Not
paying too much attention to the waiter as she chatted away to Cate, she was
focused on taking two of the nearest flutes on a wandering by tray. It was only
on hearing a familiar clearing of a throat that she looked up to see a sparkly
sapphire pair of eyes, the same as her sons; swallowing hard, she realised her
error of taking the glasses from a tray William was carrying personally.