I Unlove You (54 page)

It
didn
’
t involve
B
for the first time in years, but
only Joey and I truly know why.

The
pain since is different to the emotions of recent months. I hurt
for her, but not because of her. I keep thinking about Joey as a
young boy, the person he was before his mother left, just
afterwards, and the guy he
’
s become since. I
wonder about the man he may have become if she
’
d stuck
around.

I
keep thinking about how unfair this all is, and how we
don
’
t get to choose who we enter this world to, and who
guides us along the way.
B
didn
’
t deserve a father
like him, and Joey shouldn
’
t have had to deal
with a mother that left. What about me? What makes me so special to
have parents that love one another and stay
together?

I
try to focus on the future and the potential of tomorrow each time
my mind slips back into the chasm, but how can we expect to craft
our own path when some of us were never given a hope to begin with?
To forgive is to forget, but what if we
’
re unable to?
You can push it and bury it, but I
’
m not sure we can
forget everything. Maybe we
’
re not supposed
to.

I lift my pint to my lips and
savour another sip, each mouthful of hops and barley a welcome
visitor in my tummy. I hate music like this, but it reminds me of
happier times, easier times, and times when I used to watch my
mother dance around the tree as she placed ornaments amongst its
branches.

Memories of my father pouring
cocktails on weekday nights, dressed in sweater vests and the
shirts he reserves for meaningful occasions. When Joey would stay
up with me and my parents for hours, chatting about music and our
future world domination.

These ideals are once again in
reach, the two of us capable of anything we wish.

“
Sorry I
’
m late,
brother,
”
he says, dashing towards the table and hanging his thick
tweed jacket over the chair.
“
You ready for another
drink?
”

“
Yeah, same again,
please.
”

He hops over to the bar and leans
across it, talking to Harriet as she prepares two fresh
glasses.

For
years, I likened Joey and
B
to one another, two confident
individuals with the conviction to achieve their dreams. Where I
stuttered and hesitated, they stuck out their chests and refused to
stand still. They were strong and needed nobody, whereas I was weak
and needed anybody - my parents, her, Joey,
him
…

I
never imagined they were similar in such a manner, though. Haunted
by their past, they sabotaged the present. They clung to their
future, but couldn
’
t fathom what it
looked like. Without appreciating what you desire, how can you
possibly reach for it?

“
Here you go,
”
he says, placing two
overflowing pints on the table and sitting opposite me.
“
I think
I
’
m just about ready for New Year
’
s Eve.
What about you? Ready to put an end to this year with our greatest
gig yet?
”

“
I
’
m ready to end this
year no matter what the gig looks like,
”
I say, half laughing
to myself.

He
smiles and lifts his glass.
“
I
’
ll drink to
that.
”

I
focus on his blue eyes, bluer than a few days ago, with less red in
their corners and dark skin beneath. After speaking about the
letter, we agreed not to talk about it again, although I sense this
didn
’
t stop him thinking about it
…
dwelling
…
searching.

“
You seeing your parents
later?
”
he asks.

“
Yeah. Heading over after these
drinks.
”

“
That
’
s good.
I
’
m glad you
’
re spending more
time with them.
”

“
You bored of
me?
”

“
No more than
usual.
”
He flashes that dreadful smirk.
“
It
’
s good, though. Not
just for you, but for them, too.
”

“
Yeah. I can
’
t imagine how
worried they
’
ve
been.
”

“
You needed time, brother. They
understand.
”

“
I know, but I still feel
bad.
”

“
Don
’
t. In a few days
it
’
s a new year, and they can have their old Aus
back.
”

“
Maybe.
”

“
Maybe?
”

“
Who knows what next year
holds?
”
I say, smiling and enjoying another mouthful of
beer.

“
Well, well, well, does this
mean you
’
ve decided what you
’
re doing in
January?
”

“
Not exactly, but I
don
’
t think it involves living with either you or
them.
”

He
laughs, planting his large mitt on the table.
“
I should be offended,
but I think I
’
ll be proud instead.
You going to move to Leeds with me?
”

“
I don
’
t know yet. Who
knows
…
maybe
I
’
ll travel for a while.
”

“
Oh really
…
where
to?
”

“
Who knows?
”

“
Can I come?
”

“
No.
”

Laughing, he reaches for my wrist and squeezes it.
“
Good. I
couldn
’
t imagine anything worse than travelling to
foreign lands with a miserable git like you.
”
He winks,
straightening up and brushing down his grey
waistcoat.

“
I don
’
t
know,
”
I
say.
“
I haven
’
t made my mind up
yet, but whatever I do, I think it needs to be new. A new job. A
new place. A new outlook on life
…
or maybe an old
outlook.
”
I brush my fingers through my hair, it longer now than ever
before.
“
And a new haircut. Definitely a new
haircut.
”

“
Now, that is a good
idea,
”
he says, raising his glass once more.

“
What about you?
What
’
s next for Joseph Johnson?
”

“
Same as ever. Why would someone
as amazing as me change?
”
Laughing and shuffling in his seat,
he takes a deep breath.
“
But who knows, maybe
next year will hold a few new things for me,
too.
”
He takes another breath.

“
What is it?
”

“
I kind of have something to
tell you.
”

“
Sounds
ominous.
”

“
It
’
s no big deal, but
at the same time
…
it is.
”

“
Pray tell.
”

“
Well, I have a date
tonight.
”

“
Another one? Not with the same
girl?
”

He
nods, inhaling a large mouthful of beer.
“
It is. In fact,
it
’
s been going on for a while.
”

“
Yeah? Who is
she?
”

His eyes flutter to the bar and he
grits his teeth.

“
No way,
”
I say.
“
Harriet? You
’
re
kidding me.
”

Continuing to grit his teeth, he
sways his head.

“
Since when? How? How have
you
—“

“
I was going to tell you, but it
happened when everything went down. I bumped into her one afternoon
in Leeds, and we just went for a walk. It was nice, so we met for
drinks. Things seemed different around her. I
don
’
t know what it was, but I guess with you and
B
moving on
and starting a
…
well, you know
…
I suppose I let my
guard down around her for once.

“
There wasn
’
t much to
say, which is why I didn
’
t tell you at first.
Then
B
dropped her bomb, and
…”
He trails off, stretching his
fingers on the table.
“
I freaked. I figured if
B
could do what she
did, there was no way I could trust anyone.

“
This is Harriet, after all. If
I was ever to let anyone in, it would be her, and I
don
’
t think I could handle it if she let me down like
that. So, I didn
’
t speak to her. I
avoided her and treated her like I always have, but when those
letters began to arrive
…
I
don
’
t know
…

“
I didn
’
t know what to
think. I didn
’
t know what I
wanted. I still don
’
t. I know I have to
make it up to her, that
’
s for sure. She
doesn
’
t trust me yet, but I don
’
t think I
don
’
t trust her, either. I suppose I
don
’
t trust myself.
”
He takes a deep breath and rubs his
hands down his face.
“
I don
’
t know, brother. The
more I thought about
B
, and my mother, and you, the more I thought
about Harriet.
”

He
sighs.
“
I
’
m tired of keeping hold of all that
baggage.
B
did, and look where it took her. It turned her into someone
she isn
’
t, and I don
’
t want that to be
me. I don
’
t want to keep pushing people away. And
it
’
s shit, because she doesn
’
t deserve that
past, just like I don
’
t deserve mine. But
it is what it is, and I guess I now realise I
’
ve never
let go of it all.