I Unlove You (17 page)

"That's easy for you to say," I
sigh, rubbing my temples. "You're still the same person you were
ten years ago."

He
smiles, pipe hanging from the corner of his mouth. "Don't blame me
because I
’
m awesome.
”
He winks before lunging across the
table.
“
But seriously, I grow. I mature. I
’
m changing each
and every day, the only difference being I don
’
t allow
someone else to dictate who I become.

“
Been there and done that. It
doesn
’
t mean I don
’
t grow or change.
Take the other night, when I met this band from Finland. They blew
me away. Their music, and the way they thought, and the places
they
’
ve been to
…
I fell in love. Some
of their songs
…”
He pauses, laughing to himself.
“
Like nothing
I
’
ve heard in my life. I wouldn
’
t let them
leave. I had to keep talking and listening to their
stories.

“
When I did get home, I
couldn
’
t sleep. All I wanted to do was write and play
and create something amazing. That single night, with those four
guys from Finland, changed me. I think differently now, but
I
’
m still me. I remain Joey.

“
Everything
you
’
re going through at the moment
doesn
’
t stop you from being Aus, but
you
’
re bound to change and evolve. You
’
ll grow
with or without a baby, and so will
B
. You can try and
cling on to what you had yesterday, but all that matters is who you
are today, and who you
’
ll become tomorrow.
Embrace it, brother. Love it.

“
Trust me, I spent too long
clinging to the past and wondering what life would be like if she
stayed. I would play out all these different scenarios in my head,
but all it did was leave me questioning myself and hating who I
was. I wanted to go back, but I couldn
’
t.

“
I grow, Aus. I refuse to hold
my future self at the mercy of someone else. You do, which is fine,
because you love her and trust her and would do anything for her,
but that isn
’
t the issue
here.

“
The issue is your crazy
obsession towards her perfection, but it isn
’
t true.
Did you hear yourself describe her? She isn't an angel, Aus. You
think that girl doesn't worry? You think she's on top of all
this?"

"She is
—“

"Bullshit. This is why you're killing yourself. You refuse
to let go of who you both were whilst building some ridiculous
standard that doesn
’
t - and never has -
existed. She worries. Believe me, she worries. Just because she
places them to one side when you suffer doesn't mean she's immune
to it."

"Joey
—“

"Shut up," he says, cutting me off. "I remember studying
with her one time after school, whilst she helped me with maths
because I goddamn hate maths, which, by the way, I was right about,
because to this day I've never used algebra in the real world.
Anyway, she came to mine and helped me through each question. Each
stupid formula. I panicked and stressed, but she remained calm
throughout, just like the
B
you described.

"After a few hours of slaving away I asked her,
'
What you doing
later?
’

"'
Helping Aus with
his English exam,
’
she said.

"And I laughed, because when it
comes to English you need no help. But then I remembered she had an
exam of her own...

"'
Don't you have a
Chemistry exam in the morning
?' I asked.

She nodded.

"'
Don't you think you
should prep for that, rather than help Aus with an exam he'll ace
anyway?
'

"She shook her head. '
I can tell he's nervous.
'

“
That girl places her own
worries to one side to ensure you make it through yours. Just like
you place your own dreams and wants and future to one side, in
order to build a life around her. I don
’
t understand
it, but it
’
s admirable, I
suppose. The point is, just because she acts all brave and tough
and fine, doesn
’
t mean she is. It
doesn't mean she isn't freaking out."

I pick up another beer mat and
fold it in half. "I remember that exam," I say. "She told me she
was prepared for it."

“
Do you remember her grade?"

"Yeah. Her worst one."

Saluting me with his pipe, he nods. "Exactly. You two have
something I can
’
t understand, but
it's always been there. I guess it
’
s love, or
something. You protect each other in your own crazy little way, and
although admirable and arguably adorable, it makes you both bloody
idiots.
”

I sigh.
“
It
doesn
’
t feel like I
’
m putting our life
first at the minute. It feels like I
’
m only thinking
about myself.
”

“
No way. It
’
s always
about you and
B
. Always has. It used to be about you and me, but she
took my place a long time ago. The problem is,
you
’
re trying to live up to some ridiculous perfection
that doesn
’
t exist, and now a
baby
’
s in the picture, it
’
s made it all the
more impossible.
”

“
But I should be stronger for
her. For us.
”

“
You are. You
’
re the bravest guy I
know. The manner in which you sacrifice your own needs and dreams
so you can make her happy, it gives a guy like me hope that maybe
one day I
’
ll feel that. I don
’
t think
it
’
ll be anytime soon, but one day
…
maybe.
”

“
I
’
m not sure,
Joe.
“

“
I am,
”
he says.
“
When it comes to that
girl, you
’
ll always step up. Until you do,
she
’
ll be there for you. It doesn
’
t mean
she
’
s perfect or without fear. It doesn
’
t mean
she won
’
t freak out somewhere along the way, but
she
’
s got your back just like you have
hers.

“
Another thing, I think
it
’
s good you
’
re starting to
realise how scary and crazy this whole ordeal is.
You
’
re supposed to be scared, you idiot. But trust me,
you
’
ve got this. Deep down, I think you know this
already.
”
He trails off, bringing our two empty glasses
together.

"Okay," I say, clearing my throat.
"You're right. And I guess it's my round, isn't it?"

"You're damn right it is. You
finally sensed my desire for drink down my throat."

"Yeah. Subtle as always,
Joe."

He laughs, pushing the glasses to
me and tapping his pipe against the table. "You know, there is
another option."

"Yeah? What's that?"

"We
go to the airport right now. Catch a flight to New Orleans. Rent a
car and travel America. We leave these lives and start fresh.
Imagine, Aussie, imagine the freedom and the sights and the
memories we'd create and forget about all at once. Just like
On The Road
. I'd be..."

"Dean Moriarty," I say.

"Yes!" He slams his palm on the table. "And you'd
be...
”

"Sal Paradise."

"Yes. Yes. Picture the girls we
could sleep with, the hearts we could break, the irresponsible
drinking and moving from one town to the next. Just the two of us
and the unknown of the road. And the food...Aus, can you imagine
how good the food is in a place like New Orleans?"

I laugh. "They eat gumbo, I
think."

"I've never had gumbo. I bet it's
delicious."

"Me neither. I hear it's
spicy."

"I love spicy."

"Me too."

Arms crossed behind his head, he
stares into the distance. "It wouldn't be running, brother. We'd be
searching for something better. Nobody to hurt us or tell us what
to do. No more past to remind us of the pain. Just today and
tomorrow, and all the possibilities in the world.

“
That Finnish band told me about
a few places I
’
ve never heard of
before. It would be you and me again. Wouldn
’
t that be
amazing?
”
He focuses on my eyes and unleashes that smirk
again.

“
Yeah, it would, Joe. It
would.
”

“
Maybe one day, brother. Maybe
one day.
”

“
Maybe, Joe. Maybe.
”

JUNE 29
^TH
- WALKING ALONGSIDE THE CANAL:

The
sun sneaks through the breaks in the leaves, bathing the ground in
a multitude of sunlight and shadows. To my left is the canal, its
dark and murky water littered with fauna and fallen branches. To my
right, woodland with lush green trees and drystone walls. Next to
me, the girl I love, and our child within. Fingers interlocked, we
stroll along the canal on one of the summer
’
s hottest days
yet.

“
I can
’
t imagine how hard
walking will become,
”
she says, dressed in an orange sundress
that
’
s tighter around her stomach than usual. Wide
circular-rimmed sunglasses drown her face, her wonderful eyes
hidden from view, her forearms covered in an array of bracelets and
strips of knotted-together fabric.

“
Don
’
t worry, I
can
’
t imagine we
’
ll have too many
days like this,
”
I say, my own view shielded by the chunky black
sunglasses I found in an odds-and-ends shop three summers
ago.
“
You know how it works: one amazing weekend, everyone rushes
to buy barbecue supplies. Excitement builds as we all dream
that
this is the
year
, and then, like it never
arrived, we descend back into grey mornings and drizzly
afternoons.
”

“
Ever the
optimist,
”
she says, sticking out her tongue.
“
But I mean walking in
general. Each day it gets harder.
”

“
You can hardly see your bump.
You
’
re still as slim as always.
”

“
I can feel it, trust me.
I
’
m heavy all over. Can you imagine what
it
’
ll be like when I
’
m gigantic?
”

“
I doubt you
’
ll get
gigantic.
”

“
Oh, I will. This little bundle
is turning into a massive fatty,
”
she says, smiling and blowing her
hair off the front of her sunglasses.