I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability

I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean somebody asked me to leave, we walked to the door together, and I said "Bye, everybody, I gotta go." Six bouncers hurled me out of the nightclub like I was a Frisbee. They
hurled
my ass. And then they squared off with me in the parking lot.

I backed down from the fight, 'cause I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass. But I knew how many they were gonna use. That's a handy piece of information to have right there.

Well, they called the police, 'cause we broke a chair on the way out the door, and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it because "we" broke it over "my" thigh.

The cops showed up, and at that point, I had the right to remain silent . . .
but I didn't have the ability. . . .

New American Library
Published by New American Library, a division of
Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street,
New York, New York 10014, USA
Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto,
Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)
Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
Penguin Ireland, 25 St. Stephen's Green, Dublin 2,
Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd.)
Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124,
Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty. Ltd.)
Penguin Books India Pvt. Ltd., 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park,
New Delhi - 110 017, India
Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Mairangi Bay,
Auckland 1311, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd.)
Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty.) Ltd., 24 Sturdee Avenue,
Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices:
80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

Published by New American Library, a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Previously published in a Dutton edition

First New American Library Printing, May 2007

REGISTERED TRADEMARK--MARCA REGISTRADA

eISBN : 978-1-101-04103-1

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

White Ron, 1956-

I had the right to remain silent . . . but I didn't have the ability / by Ron White.

p. cm.

eISBN : 978-1-101-04103-1

1. White, Ron, 1956- 2. Comedians--United States--Biography. I. Title.

PN2287.W45823A3 2006

792.702'8092--dc22 2006009056

Set in Oranda

Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

PUBLISHER'S NOTE

While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party Web sites or their content.

The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the author's rights is appreciated.

http://us.penguingroup.com

To my wife, Barbara, and my son, Marshall

INTRODUCTION

I
've put out a CD,
Drunk in Public;
a DVD,
They Call Me "Tater Salad";
and most recently a CD and DVD,
You Can't Fix Stupid
. But people have also been asking me to do a book. So here it is. Along with comedy I do onstage, it features some stories of my life as a comedian on, and off, the road.

If you want to give me some feedback on the book, you can e-mail me through my Web site,
www.tatersalad.com
. I'd love to hear from you.

Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoy it.

ONSTAGE: SET 1

I
'm going to start off by asking a question, 'cause I don't know the answer. I lost my sunglasses, and I went to the Sunglass Hut. Here's the question: Why does a pair of sunglasses cost more than a 25-inch color television set? Anybody know?

I go to the Sunglass Hut. I see a pair of glasses I like. I don't love 'em. I like 'em. 309 bucks. And I asked the guy very politely, "How do you sleep at night, you fuckin' prick?"

And I told him, and this is true, that two weeks ago I bought a 25-inch color television set from Wal-Mart for 218 bucks.

And he goes, "Well apparently, sir, you don't get it."

"I'm listening."

He goes, "These glasses eliminate one hundred percent of all UV rays."

I'm like, "No, apparently
you
don't get it. This thing decodes a digital satellite signal it picks up from outer fucking space."

And then it turned out the glasses got basic cable, and I felt like a dickhead.

Y
ou ever take a crap so big, your pants fit better? I'm hoping that happens to me soon. I'm hoping I'm one big turd away from backing into an old wardrobe.

O
ne day I was sitting in a beanbag chair naked, eating Cheetos, and I was flipping through the television, and I saw Robert Tilton, he's a televangelist from Dallas. And he was staring at me.

And he said this. He said, "Are you lonely?"

Yeah.

He said, "Have you wasted half your life in bars, pursuing sins of the flesh?"

This guy's good.

He said, "Are you sitting in a beanbag chair naked, eating Cheetos?"

Yes, sir.

He said, "Do you feel the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?"

Close.

I thought he was talking about me there for a second. Apparently I ain't the only cat on the block who digs Cheetos.