I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that (28 page)
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Authors: The Betches
How to Avoid the Marriage “Trap” by Head Pro
So you’re married! Congratulations, may your life be filled with love, happiness, and dozens of Crate & Barrel gift cards with $3.41 on them that you’ll never consolidate. This book obviously isn’t as heavy on marriage as it is on the other, earlier aspects of dating, because as smart and talented and good-looking as we are, marriages are all different. One thing I do want to talk about as a guy, though, is the idea of your new hubby feeling “trapped” in your marriage. No, this is not exclusive to men, but you don’t look to me for tampon advice,
and I don’t ask you for help building my fantasy football roster, so let’s both stick to what we know, shall we?
What Does It Mean to Feel Trapped?
Obviously, you know what the word itself means, right? I mean if not, there are probably some concepts in this book you’ve had a hard time with. It means being unable to escape somewhere, which in terms of marriage is obviously metaphorical (unless you’re like,
really
crazy). When people read about a guy complaining about feeling “trapped” in his marriage, they usually assume that he’s saying he wants to fuck other girls and is regretting his decision to enter into holy matrimony. That’s not really it, though. Feeling trapped isn’t (just) about sex and, unlike the time you chained your prom date to your radiator for taking a selfie with your best friend, it doesn’t necessarily mean he wants out.
Feeling trapped for guys is ultimately about powerlessness, hopelessness, and an inability to effect change and control his own destiny. Part of that is the learning curve inherent to marriage—we come from a culture that values and exalts men who create their own rules and live life on their own terms, and that’s a shitload harder to do when you’re not the only one who has to look at the ultrasweet Miller Lite neon sign hanging in the living room. But it’s also a sign of unmet expectations and unspoken reservations. A man who feels “trapped” in his marriage is one who comes home every day feeling like he’s powerless to fix, improve, or move things
forward, either from his own perspective or overall. Imagine working at a job you hate: There are things you like about it, sure, and you’re not going to leave because you need to work, so instead you show up and just go through the motions, knowing that it won’t get any better than this. That’s what it’s like to feel trapped.
Whose Fault Is It If My Husband Feels Trapped?
Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. If you’re dating and you decide that you don’t like the direction things are going and want to leave, you can just do that. When you’re married, though, it’s obviously more complicated, and one partner’s problem is now both of your problems. But the truth is, more often than not, it’s the men who get themselves stuck in these ruts. Society tells men to take charge and be in control, but healthy relationships don’t really work that way, and we don’t do a great job of making men aware of the tools at their disposal to cope when they aren’t sure of how to handle things.
This is all assuming you’re not a horrid, horrid bitch, obviously. Like, if you were one person before you got married and then turned into some kind of monster as soon as you said “I do,” then that’s going to fall pretty squarely on your shoulders. But that’s not most people, and hopefully not you. So unless you’re two years into your marriage and haven’t fucked since your honeymoon because you don’t think he’s “earned it,” it probably has to do with your husband’s emotions and not some shortcoming of yours.
How Can We Avoid This?
The bad news is that sometimes the feeling of being trapped is unavoidable. The good news, though, is that’s because it typically comes in phases and doesn’t ultimately mean much in the end. If you want to do your part to keep things fresh and interesting to minimize these feelings for your manbaby of a husband, consider the following:
Sex:
It’s pretty common for sexual frequency to drop a bit after a while, and that’s not necessarily the end of the world. As long as you’re doing it a couple of times per week, you’re well within the national average. More important, though, is keeping it interesting. Even the most creative couples run out of ideas, and both parties can begin to feel like the sex is just a matter of going through the motions. Fortunately, the Internet is awash with vibrators, toys, and other sex enhancers (no, not pills) that can make sex more exciting in a hurry. You may want to talk it over with him, but you’d be surprised how open most guys are to that sort of thing. The fact that you’re taking interest in actively improving your sex life is exciting in and of itself.
Delegate Responsibilities:
In modern times, it’s unlikely that you’ll fall into the convenient “inside versus outside” divisions of labor—there’s not a lot of firewood for him to split when you’re living in a one-bedroom apartment. But men enjoy feeling like they have a purpose in a relationship, so it’s better to outline some clear responsibilities whenever possible.
This is pretty easy—just agree to do the things you hate the least. If you can’t boil water and he’s allergic to dish soap, there you go. Maybe he feeds and walks the dog in the morning, and you do so when you get home in the afternoon. Most decent men feel pressure to do more around the house, so everyone will be happier if they know their responsibilities.
Go on Dates:
This is the most trite marriage advice in the world, but it’s popular for a reason. Make time for each other. Go to new places and experience new things. It’s decidedly unsexy sounding to schedule romance like that, but it’s a lot sexier than having no romance at all. As a plus for your husband, this is a good way to tap into his “pursuer” instincts that he hasn’t really needed to flex since the two of you became serious.
Travel Together:
One difficulty with marriage is that after a while you kind of learn everything there is to know about each other. Since your husband transforming into a completely different person would be both unlikely and a good reason to call the authorities, you may as well change your surroundings if you can’t change each other. Not a lot of people these days have the time or money to take long, exotic vacations, and you don’t need to. Visit a nearby city for a long weekend, if that’s all you can swing. The point is to experience new things together, as well as the joy that comes with seeing your spouse react to something different than your four walls and questions about the throw pillows.
Communicate:
Again, trite for a reason. Look, guys are emotional idiots—we feel things the same way you do, but we’re morons when it comes to expressing ourselves in meaningful ways. If you can give us an opportunity to open up, however, that helps. Even simply asking how his day went is all the invitation most guys need to talk about what’s bugging them. Communication doesn’t have to be formal or awkward, either. All the other things on this list, picking out sex toys and planning cleaning schedules and trips? Those are all opportunities to communicate. It isn’t sexy, but marriage rarely is.
In general, people feel trapped in a marriage when they feel like they no longer have an active role to play in it. Love doesn’t sustain a marriage; effort, work, and mutual regard and respect for each other do. That doesn’t mean it can’t be fun, but it does mean that sometimes, you have to think about someone other than yourself for a change.
Dear Head Pro,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. He loves me, treats me so well, tells me he wants to be with me long term, etc. Only problem—I want to have sex more than he does. When we have sex, it’s great, but it happens a few times a week, when he wants it, whereas I’d be down for sex pretty much any time. Sometimes I initiate, and he’s just not in the mood or he’s tired, which leaves me sexually frustrated. He’s also in his late twenties—I’ve read libido can slow down for guys around then. I’ve talked to him about it a few times, and he’s said he’ll go down on me more/try harder, but not much has changed. I’m not sure how much is fair to ask if he just has a lower libido than me—it’s never acceptable to pressure someone into sex.
Like I said, other than this, the relationship is great. So I wanted a pro’s opinion—what is considered a “normal” sex drive range for a guy in his late twenties? I know he’s making an effort, but why wouldn’t he want to try harder to satisfy me? How should I interpret times when he just doesn’t want to have sex? Also, when do you think problems with sex can be a dealbreaker for a relationship?
Sincerely,
Not Getting Enough
Dear Not Getting Enough,
Yeesh, what a shitty problem to have. I think to explain it (outside of any medical/psychological terms, since I know nothing of those), let’s for a moment divorce the notion of “needs” from “libido,” even if in practice that’s not that simple. Basically, throughout life you’re constantly juggling the most basic needs, like food, sex, shelter, etc. When you’re younger, the basic needs are all you really have to worry about—your life just isn’t that complicated. In college, things like shelter and food are pretty much covered, so sex gets a lot of attention. I’m not so sure that sex, as in the actual act of it, is really a “need.” After all, plenty of, say, Catholic priests take vows of celibacy, and some of them even sustain it without diddling little kids. I think it points more to a general need for intimacy and connection with other people, and when you’re young and just figuring things out, sex is an easy way to satisfy that need, especially for a developing brain.
As we get older, like your boyfriend, our needs become both greater in number and more complex. For your boyfriend, those basic things are pretty easy by now. Instead, he’s worrying about his career path in a much more nuanced way, planning for his future, and wondering what he’s going to achieve in life. Intimacy/sex is still a need, but guess what? He lives with you. So, not only is that another need he has under control, but in your evolved relationship he’s fulfilling his need for intimacy in ways that are
more meaningful than just having a fuck buddy could ever be. Basically, he doesn’t “need” sex as much because he has something better. He may have always had a weaker libido than you, and now that you’re closer, it’s more obvious because he’s having his needs met in other ways.
Knowing that doesn’t really help you much, but I think the key is to approach it on those terms. Instead of “pressuring” him, find a way to let him know that sex is something you need not only in and of itself, but also as a way to bond and as an expression of intimacy. Make it deeper than “you’re not fucking me enough.”
It’s also worth noting that for married couples (I know you’re not, but still), 2 to 3 times per week is actually dead-on average, so don’t think of his libido in a vacuum—you are a couple, after all. If you want more, you might just have to take more, at least until more frequent sex becomes part of your routine and he gets the idea. Pay attention to when he’s more receptive to it, and go for it.
I think frequency of sex would have to be at one extreme or the other for it to be a dealbreaker, but in your case, what’s more concerning is that it always seems to be about him. If you express yourself and continue to take the initiative and he still doesn’t start to reciprocate, at some point he’s just being inconsiderate, and that’s when you’ll have a decision to make.
Infrequent Kisses,
Head Pro
SPARK NOTES
Can you believe this book is almost done? We know, we’ll miss you, too. Here’s what just happened in this chapter in case you missed something.
You’ve made it to the long-term relationship with your boyfriend, which means you two are in it for the long haul.
So, can I stop caring now?
you might ask but we say
No bitch!
You have to work at a relationship for like, ever. Yeah it’s annoying, but it beats being a spinster at fifty-five.
Before you totally decide to settle down with your guy you have to remember you can’t secretly hope that he’s going to change someday. You need to accept him the way he is now so you have no expectations, which are only going to end in disappointment. However, if he does change (for better or for worse) it will be something you deal with together rather than something forced upon or by you.
You should always be moving forward and honest throughout your relationship. This includes being open with your feelings at all times. The only area to keep it enigmatic is your sex life. Not only does this mean keep him wanting it, but also it’s extremely important to be demure with your farts and bowel movements. For everyone’s sake.
Don’t rush all of the milestones. Moving in, getting engaged, and being married don’t need to happen within a year of each other just because you can’t wait to throw a big party. Because once you’re married like, then what? Kids? Fuck that. They’re loud, and you’ll never take a vacay to Cabo
without having to pay for a nanny again. Make sure you are both ready for each step.
Once you are married, happy, and still hot, do everything in your power to keep yourself happy outside of your relationship. This means working hard, going out with your friends, and looking after yourself. It’s kind of like being happy and confident in order to find a guy. Now you have to be happy and confident in order to keep him. Comes full circle, doesn’t it? We know, we’re like, really smart.
4
Verbiage may vary.
You Can
Still
Skip This Part
H
ey Betch, you can pop that bottle of rosé right now, if you haven’t already drunk three, because you now know everything there is to know about dating and relationships (or at least, everything that we felt like talking about). If you’re blind and had trouble reading this book, you’re in luck. Get someone who can read this aloud to you because we’re now about to break down this book’s important facts, opinions, and hilarious commentary.
Before you can even embark on U.S.S.
Deal with a Guy’s Shit Forever
, otherwise known as a relationship (lol double naval pun), you have to like yourself first. This is a lot harder than it sounds because it means not beating yourself up every time you look at your problem areas in the mirror or not feeling too shy to speak up in a group conversation
because you don’t think you’re funny or smart enough or whatever. This means being
really
over your ex-whatever. This means walking down the street, in clothes you love, and feeling legitimately fierce AF. The moment you truly love yourself both mentally and physically is when you develop real confidence, which is one of the most important traits to have in order to start dating. If you don’t love you, then why should a bro love you?