I Found You (25 page)

With that he tugged me into the store, and then past Lindy, his hand firmly gripping mine.

“Hey,” he said as he passed without looking at her.

“Hey,” she answered in a dry tone.

I didn’t look at her either, but I sensed the embarrassment and awkwardness flooding the air between them, as he pulled me on toward his dad’s office.

Jason knocked and then opened the door again.

His dad was sitting behind his desk. He looked up, appearing surprised, glanced at me, and then back at Jason.

Jason let go of my hand and moved forward, while I shut the door.

“Rach said I should come back and tell you what I think.”

“Did she?” His dad sounded reproachful.

“Yep, Dad, she did. She said you might not understand, and maybe you’re just hurt.”

His dad’s eyebrows lifted.

Jason bent over and set his hands on the desk, looking his dad in the eyes.

“So, I came back to tell you, I do care about the store. I grew up here. I love this goddamn store, Dad. Yes, I made the choice to go to New York. I want to do something for myself. I want to achieve something for myself. Like you did with this store. Can you blame me? But I’ve always known I have this to come back to one day. I know it’s here, that you are here. If you let Lindy into it Dad, I won’t have it. I won’t ever feel comfortable coming back to it. It can never be mine anymore, if I need it to be…” Jason sighed and stood up again, looking down at his dad “I don’t understand you. I don’t know why you’re doing this. I feel like it’s revenge. Why? When I’m just like you were at my age. I know you fought damned hard to set up this store, and Grandpa didn’t like it…”

Jason sat down then, in a chair facing his father, and put his elbows on the desk.

“Dad, I don’t even like what I’m doing in New York yet. The guy who owns the magazine is an asshole, I don’t even know if I’m going to stay or what I’m going to do. The only thing I’m sure about in my life right now is Rachel, and I don’t want to picture not having the opportunity to come back to the store.”

After all that, his dad just said, “So you want it as a security blanket…”

I could have slapped him. But I could see in his eyes he wasn’t as unmoved as he made out. He just looked like he didn’t know what to do. So he did nothing.

Jason sighed. “Okay, well I’ve said my piece, it’s up to you what you do, isn’t it?” He stood. His dad didn’t. “I’ll see you back at home, later.” With that Jason turned around, and walked back across the room, giving me a placating half smile. Then he caught up my hand again and pulled me out of the office.

His jaw was stiff once more as he let the office door shut behind us. I knew he was still angry, and upset. I’d never seen him angry until today; it made me realize just how little I really knew him. He had taken me to his High School to try and share more of himself, but it wasn’t his history I needed to learn. It was him. Lindy knew him.

A sudden burden of uncertainty and unworthiness struck me hard in the chest. It was like a physical force the way it drove into me, like I’d been hit by a truck. I’d tumbled from my last high days ago, but now I’d been hit by a really deep low.

Shit, I didn’t want to fall any further. I hadn’t felt this bad since the day after I’d walked out on Declan. Why must it happen now?

“Come on, I’ll show you the store, like I intended.” He smiled, though I could see it was forced. He was trying to lighten the mood, but I couldn’t smile back. My mood had taken a rollercoaster dip it wasn’t gonna recover from just because he smiled. Dammit, when the chemicals inside me tipped so quickly my brain couldn’t keep up.

He walked up an aisle next to the one which had the counter.

I heard the store’s door open, as a customer came in. There had already been another person at the desk paying Lindy.

Jason walked me up the aisle, pointing to various tools and accessories, like I cared. I didn’t care anymore. There was a lead-weight inside me which said
not interested
, it was insular, dominating and disorientating.

“So what do you think?” he whispered when he led me up another aisle full of paints. “What color for a boy, and what for a girl?”

“Uh.” I’d slipped into monosyllables, now. Words just suddenly seemed too much effort.

He stopped then, and held both my hands. “Sorry, that’s a little ridiculous isn’t it? Seeing as we’ve only got two rooms in my apartment, it’d be a bit crazy to make any space into a nursery. The baby’s going to be sharing our space, isn’t it? In fact I think we’re going to be a bit squashed.” His lips twisted sideways, in an apologetic, dubious look. Then he smiled again suddenly. “Perhaps we could paint a corner though. What are you? Blue or pink, or, yellow or green?”

I just shook my head. I didn’t know. I couldn’t really think.

He gave me a penitent smile. “I’m sorry. I’ve ruined your tour.”

It wasn’t his fault though, but he wouldn’t be able to understand, it was just the way my brain was wired. This sudden drop could happen over something awful or nothing at all. At what point in a relationship was the moment to say
I can be a bit erratic at times, by the way?

Barely a moment ago I’d been thinking about how I didn’t really know him––he didn’t know me at all. He didn’t even know I was ill.

The moment to speak had to come soon.

But not now; not when I’d hit a low mood and would never be able to form the right words to explain.

As he looked into my eyes the deep brown of his glinted and then his hand came up and cupped the back of my scalp a moment before he kissed me.

I kissed him back, with hard desperation. I wanted him to keep reaching out to me; to stay tied to me. I didn’t want to face this rut of desperation and emptiness alone.

I slipped my tongue into his mouth, and he answered my more ardent kiss, his tongue battling and pressing back against mine.

My hand slid beneath his leather jacket, I wanted to feel his skin, because the feel of his skin might ground me again and bring me back. I wished we were alone.

“Jason, the store has CCTV, remember!”

The echo of Lindy’s shout came across the shelving.

He broke away from me.

I hadn’t heard the other customers leave, and hadn’t been aware of anything else but him. I wasn’t really that aware now.

“Come on,” he whispered, “Let’s go get you some boots you can walk in, and then something to eat.”

A horrible weight of guilt lay on top of my low mood as we walked out, and I glanced at Lindy, only to receive an evil stare. A stare I deserved. I’d taken him from her. I didn’t like myself again. I hated myself.

Chapter Fifteen

“Don’t look now but Lindy has just walked in,” Jason whispered.

I did look. She was with some guy. Jason was probably six foot one but this guy looked even taller. He was broader than Jason, too. He looked like he pumped weights because his biceps and his pecs were huge. The thighs his tight jeans hugged were pretty big too. Lindy looked tiny against him. She was probably only five-three.

Jason and I were sitting at a table at the back of the diner. I looked away and down, hoping they wouldn’t notice us.

Jason watched me. He’d been giving me odd looks for an hour as I struggled to find words to take part in any conversation. I had been sucked into a black hole again and now I was looking up through the tunnel at him. I wished this low, hollow feeling would go, but it would only leave when
it
wanted to go; I’d learned that much about myself.

“Rach, are you okay?”

No, I was sick and crazy in the eyes of the world, and fighting hard not to be.

His hand reached across the table and gripped mine. I wanted to pull it away. I didn’t, because I didn’t want to lose this nice guy.

But it was at times like this when I sought out the bad guys, to beat myself up with.

Hang on to him, Rachel, hang on
.

Words came out at last, but they were probably irrational compared to his previous words. I couldn’t remember what he’d said. “I don’t care about anything but being with you. Thank you for standing by me, Jason. No one has ever done anything to defend me before.”

He lifted my fingers and kissed them. If my words were misplaced he didn’t show any sign they were. “Honey, you’re the most important thing to me, too. I’m always going to defend you.”

“But you also need your mom and dad, Jason.” As I said the words they pierced my chest and a physical pain descended on me.

“Not more than, you. I need, you, most, Rach.” He squeezed my hand.

“Jason.”

We both turned and looked up.

The guy who’d come in with Lindy stood beside our table. I hadn’t noticed him get close. I didn’t think Jason had either. But Jason didn’t look nervous, just a little awkward. He stood and lifted a hand. The guy took it and shook it. Then they surprised me, because they embraced, patting each other on the back.

“Hey Billy,” Jason said, as they broke apart.

“I see this isn’t a tail between the legs return then,” the other guy, said. Then, looking at me, he said, “Hi.”

His pitch was flat and his eyes a dark blue.

“This is Rachel Shears, Billy.” Jason then looked at me. “Rach, Billy’s my best friend here.”

“Here? I thought anywhere…” The guy looked back at Jason, with raised eyebrows.

“Anywhere,” Jason corrected, though he looked meaningfully at me, as if saying I was the exception.

I longed to be able to offer a bright smile, and chat as my brain fizzed with words. But today all I felt was too exhausted and too low to speak.

Life was hard work when I felt like this, and being in a strange place with people who hated me, well the darkness inside me was like a swamp, there was no getting through.

I nodded at the guy.

Jason gave me another odd look. He knew I wasn’t being myself. But I was, really. This was just another part of my whole.

“Rachel,” was all Billy said, then he looked back at Jason. “I came over to say I’m bringing Lindy tonight. Just so you know.”

Jason didn’t say anything but his hand slipped over his hair as he looked across the restaurant. I presumed at Lindy.

“Anyway, she won’t like it if I stay over here too long. I said I’d keep her company for lunch. I better go back.”

“Thanks for looking out for her, Billy, I appreciate it.”

“I’m not doing it for you, Jason. I’m doing it for her…”

Jason frowned.

But then Billy simply said, “I’ll see you later,” before turning and walking away.

Jason sat down and gave me another look saying
sorry.

He really didn’t have anything to be sorry for though. This was my fault.

We ate in silence, and I felt like I was ruining everything, my black mood was bringing him down too, as anger and bitterness battled inside me, amidst the dark.

When he’d finished his meal, he leaned back and glanced across the room, looking in Lindy’s direction.

I hadn’t eaten much because the whole time I’d felt her presence and her eyes throwing daggers in my back.

Jason gripped my hand. “I think we ought to talk to her before tonight. Clear the air and all that.”

Jason, nothing’s going to clear the air.
But I couldn’t say that, this was about him and Lindy, and in my dark place, him and Lindy, came way above me and him. He
knew
her––and she knew him. I didn’t really know either of them.

I felt like I was standing between the two of them as we rose, holding them apart physically.

Taking my hand, he led me over to where she sat with his friend Billy at a table on the far side of the restaurant near the door. I held back, so our arms stretched out between us.

I sensed he was doing this for my benefit. I think he thought it was Lindy who’d changed my mood. It wasn’t Lindy, it was my screwed up head.

“Hey Lindy.”

She looked up like she was surprised, but she must have known we were coming over, I couldn’t believe she wouldn’t know exactly where Jason was in a room. I always knew.

Ignoring Jason, Lindy looked back at her food. Like me, she hadn’t touched much of it.

Billy was staring at Jason.

“You weren’t properly introduced to Rachel in New York. I thought, seeing as we’re all going to be there tonight, you two should at least speak beforehand.”

“Fuck off, Jason. I’m not interested in speaking to
her
.” Lindy hadn’t looked back up.

“Well, you’re going to have to face this Lindy, because the situation isn’t changing.” Jason’s voice had dropped, it was really quiet, almost a whisper.

Billy stood. “Yeah, but not here, Jason. Ever heard of a thing called tact?”

I understood then, when Billy had come to speak to Jason earlier, he’d only come to have a look at me… he hadn’t been trying to be nice at all. Even Jason’s best friend was on Lindy’s side. What did that say about me?

Jason’s hand held mine tighter. I figured he’d worked it out too.

“Look Billy, I don’t want an argument, I just want Lindy to understand, this isn’t about Rachel–– ”

Lindy stood then, in a rush, throwing her napkin on the table. “I don’t care. I want nothing to do with her…” Her voice was a harsh whisper, full of accusing anger, and everyone in the room turned, staring at us. “You’re a fucking bastard, Jason. And
she…
” she looked at me, with scathing contempt. “Is just a slut.”

Lindy would have slapped me, but Billy caught her arm. “Lind…”

“I’m not––” Jason started, but I cut him off.

There was one thing I could do when I hit the bottom of low; I could get angry. I could get angry as hell. That was easy, and I wasn’t gonna let her insult him. “Maybe I am a slut.” I leaned closer, getting right in her face. “But I wasn’t with him when you were, well not until the very last night…” Her eyebrows lifted at that. “And the baby isn’t even his!”

As soon as I said it I realized I shouldn’t have, but it fell out my mouth, and it fell out at a volume which meant the whole restaurant heard, and in a small town, that meant in twenty-four hours the whole place would’ve heard.