I Drink for a Reason (3 page)

I would have surgery so that I would literally fart a hundred dollars, so I could say to the condescending jeweler who I was
trying to buy diamonds to have surgically implanted in my extra heart, in a very snotty, cavalier way, “Do I have enough money?!
Dude, I
fart
hundred-dollar bills” and then prove it. People would be repulsed, but then they’d secretly be psyched also. You would be
in an elevator and let one rip and everyone would be like, “That is disgust… oh… look at that.” And you could give them the
hundred-dollar bill and say, “Sorry, here.”

You could re-create Hell. Like Neverland Ranch or when you’re traveling down South and there’s a huge themed place some crazy
town character has spent his life and fortune on. Like the Flintstones thing in South Dakota. And it can really be like Hell,
too: It would be a thousand degrees (or whatever temp it says in the Bible), and there would be a huge, muscley, really cut
Devil with a huge cock like in Japanime. And you could have tortured souls in a lake of fire, but since you couldn’t use people
because it really is hot, you use animals dressed as people. Dress an antelope as Hitler and dolphins as SS men.

And there would be very thick, fireproof glass so that you could tour and look through it. And you could have different rooms
that held different real people based on the ideology of the tour group that was attending. Are they right wing? Hey, there’s
Abbie Hoffman, and Larry Flynt, and Madalyn Murray O’Hare! Are they left wing? Look, it’s Margaret Thatcher, and James Dobson,
and Karl Rove!

I would buy a radio station in the middle of nowhere—some country/soft hits station outside of Cheyenne—and then hold a contest
to win a truck or something. But the contest would be who can sit on top of a pole five hundred feet in the air for the longest
without giving up or falling off. And the second place prize would be a year’s supply of Sindex, the “x-rated window cleaner.”
Then I would just hire a helicopter and drop shit on them like hams and eggs and I would let some other rich friend of mine
hover over them and take a dump! Ha!!! Don’t worry, I’ll pay for the charges.

M
EETING STARTED AT
8:00
A
.
M
.

Meeting was attended by: Tina Wrash, Head of Programming; Dallas Treasure, Head of Marketing; Janet Woo, Head of Talent Relations;
Cindy Fleer, Head of Comedy Development; Peter Branson, Head of Drama; Thurman Stye, Head of Dramadies; Lisa Quinn, Head of
Reality Development and Implementation; and Dr. Owen Stillhog, Head of Publicity. On speakerphone from his blimp hovering
just above the building was Rupert Murdoch, Owner of Most Everything. All were accompanied by various assistants who will
be known simply by a number.

8:02
Nova lox on the deli tray discovered by Tina to be “oily.”

8:03
Lox thrown out of window into parking lot B. Meeting adjourned until new “less oily” lox can be secured.

8:23
Meeting reconvenes. It was discovered that Rupert Murdoch had been on the phone the whole time. He wakes up and continues
his money breakfast. Tina’s Assistant #3 reads from the Overnights.
America’s Nudest Teens
wins its time slot, retaining 86% of its lead-in,
Monkey Rip!,
and has the biggest share of the most coveted demographic, the 15-to-65-year-old-age group. Lisa Quinn buzzes for one of
her assistants to run in and pat her back.

8:28
There is some concern that the Friday night lineup is susceptible to the latest CBS offering,
CSI M.D., Law Town,
the latest number-one hybrid show. Lisa suggests FOX should counter with a show that has been in the pipes for a while now,
a reality game show called
Muslim Hunt.
The show is being developed with the cooperation of the new Public Broadcasting System and everyone (mysteriously, she pauses
to wink here) is really behind it. Dallas says that he has some great ideas for this one. He suggests that there could be
a tie-in with
American Idol
or any of the franchise’s spin-offs, mentioning
Algerian Idol
several times and bringing up his desire to get “our hooks” into the New Iraq with
Iraqi Idol.
He notes that the number one show in Iraq is
Blow Out
. Tina interrupts Dallas to take a call from Assistant #3, who is seated three chairs away to her left. The assistant informs
Tina that her meeting with Doug VanEllin, her lifestyle consultant, about a new iPod playlist that he has designed for her
has been pushed back to noon.

8:32
Dr. Stillhog brings up a problem he is having with some of the cast of
Donovan’s Wharf.
He has tried unsuccessfully to get both the teenage lead actors, Devlin Reece and Strawberry Williams, to participate in
an online charity event to raise awareness for a fake disease, which is currently being configured based on polling the show’s
demographic. Dr. Stillhog is asked what his course of action has been. He says that he promised them the covers of
Paper
magazine, appearances on the
Tonight Show,
as well as “bumping up” the gift bag with more secret swag from the FOX Swag Vaults in Yuca Valley. The reason they are hesitant
to participate is that both of them get “grossed out” by diseased people. Tina asks what kind of punitive measures have been
threatened, to which Dr. Stillhog replied that he had threatened a ban on scented candles or small dogs in the trailers. There
was general silence until Rupert spoke up.

“It’s Rupert. Just like the voice of God, hmmm?” Everyone laughed at this for over nine minutes.

8:41
After the fake laughing died down, Rupert spoke up again. “These two kids, Devlin and Strawberry… kill them, chop up their
bodies, feed them to the rest of the cast.” Tina argued that when that tack was taken with Hunter Rain from
So, You Think You’re So Smart
it backfired and there was a crew mutiny. “Bumblefucks!” said Rupert. “That was a reality show about NY waiters being switched
with retarded summer camp kids! This is different!” “I was going to say that, too, Mr. Murdoch,” Lisa Quinn said. The issue
was decided that they would base a reality show on which actor to kill and eat.

8:47
Lisa Quinn pitches a new show. She said that she wanted to pitch a show based on the current success of Martha Stewart’s
ability to convince people to look up to her although she had gotten caught and convicted of a crime in which she was, in
part, lying to the feds. The show would be a reality show featuring a recently convicted celebrity wherein cameras would follow
every moment of the trial and jail time. “Who’s the celebrity?” was asked by several people. Lisa Quinn: “Ummm, how about
Megyn Nero? She’s the lady from CourtTV who got caught shoplifting upskirt videos from a store in Van Nuys.”

Rupert again: “Bloody bushberries! Let’s do one better. Let’s frame a celebrity with a crime, and then we’ll be there from
the very beginning! America will go apeshit for that!” Everyone was enthusiastic about this, and after debating various celebrities
and crimes it was decided that Katie Couric would be framed for selling nuclear secrets to China as well as child endangerment
and kidnapping, which would be accomplished by burying alive her son Vaughn in a 6' x 6' pit in the back of her house. “Git-r-Done!”
Rupert said, imitating his favorite comedian.

At
9:02
Assistant #2 (me) received a call that Andy Richter was downstairs and very upset, arguing with a security guard. It seemed
that someone had thrown a bunch of lox all over the seat of his opened convertible. Everyone laughed and Tina opened the window
and yelled down to Andy: “Hey Richter, did you see the overnights for your show?” She then started throwing all the food out
the window onto Andy’s car. Andy started to half laugh. Then Rupert told the driver of his blimp to position it over Andy’s
car. As it did, the bottom hatch opened up and Rupert’s bare ass was soon poking out. As Rupert started relieving himself
(and you could hear the grunting over the speakerphone) he said, “Thank you.” And left.

The following shows were discussed and are now being produced for FOX’s Reality Channel:

America’s Least Favorite Horse!

Infant Swap!

Two infants from two different families are swapped for the first five years of life.

Line Wait!

I Can Make It Cheaper!

Contractors bid on public housing contracts.

So, You Think You Can Projectile Vomit!

Now That’s What I Call A.I.D.S.!

America’s Next Top Bottom
(for the Logo Channel)

What Time Is It?

Judge Baby

A three-year-old makes decisions in small claims court based on its dysentery.

Are You Smarter than an Elderly Retarded Chicken?

Delighted contestants from Oklahoma play tic-tac-toe with an elderly retarded chicken and sometimes win.

Last Blogger Standing

You Asked for It!

Lawyers from one of America’s top law firms are covered in caramel and honey and airdropped into the Amazon rainforest.

Making the Cut
A reality show about models.

What the Hell?!

Ben Stiller stars as the unfortunately but comically named Lenny Shittingsly, the neurotic but likable put-upon schnook who
gets stuck with the unfortunate task of transporting his wife’s dog, who can’t stop farting, to the MTV Movie Awards (played
by Will Smith), in this adaptation of the popular comic book character.

Who Wants to Marry My Midget?

It follows
Exploiting Gullible Teens
and
How Low Will We Go?
on Tuesday nights.

I
T’S BEEN NOTED BY LITERALLY HUNDREDS IF NOT THOUSANDS OF
folks that I am contemptuous and patronizing. I think part of the reason for that is because I am an Athiest, and inherent
in that belief system is “I think that I am right and therefore, since you believe the opposite, that you are wrong.” And
inherent in
that
idea, hidden underneath layers of generational bebrudging but still civil respect, is the idea that people who have the
benefit of freedom of choice, and still believe in their respective religion, are foolish. Or rather, it is a foolish thing
to believe in, given the holes in logic and scientific refutation and plain, old honest facts and practical theories that
go a long way toward postulating how the Red Sea could have been parted or how one day’s worth of oil could have been miscalculated
and actually could reasonably last for eight days without God’s hand or how Mohammed would not have frozen his nuts off while
ascending to heaven on his magical winged horse etc. etc.

Okay, fine: I’m contemptuous and patronizing. But I’m not simply some knee-jerk lefty with a soft-spot for a more equitable
distribution of wealth and state-sponsored health care. (Not exactly correct except for the state-sponsored health-care part.
Just simply as a practical matter of fiscal responsibility. I don’t want no A.I.D.S. babies bringing me down!) For instance,
I am not opposed to the death penalty for certain crimes. In fact, not only am I not opposed to it, but I heartily condone
it for certain specific situations. I have heard many compelling arguments against it, but I have not been swayed. I’m talking
strictly about the idea of state-sponsored death as a moral issue. Hey, look, I don’t want the governor of Mississippi
^*
deciding on the fate of my life during an election year any more than you would, but I think if you fuck a child to death,
you should die. Done deal. No debates about your shitty upbringing or drug-induced devil state, please, I’m late for dinner.

The guilty don’t have to die in any horrific way. It can be peaceful. This isn’t about something as intangible, and ultimately
unsatisfying, as “revenge.” Just… that’s it. You take a life, you give up your right to live. Why can’t that be agreed upon
by everyone? Even lefty hippies. That seems fair. That’s one of those little things on the plus side of being an Athiest,
no conflicting rules within your prescribed religion in which you have to pick, and then justify, a side. As I mentioned earlier,
I know that there are often very good arguments against capital punishment. The most undeniable being the mountains of innocents
put to death based on the rash judgments of the ignorant who are ruled by their emotions, or worse, the corrupt. But seriously,
you kill two elderly people for some crack money, you die. I don’t care if you sober up and realize you’ve done a naughty
thing.

I also believe immigration is a legitimate issue and that handing out fliers to remind everyone that immigrants built this
country doesn’t matter. While it’s true, and a nice thing to remember, it is of zero relevance today. I believe that the Koran
is a violent tome whose teachings go against everything this country stands for and people who subscribe to it are suspect.
We’ve already got enough crazy lunatic religious zealots in this country, so let’s not add so many of their sworn enemies
that I have to live in fear of the coming crusades pouring down Fifth Avenue just when there’s the big annual sale at Barney’s.

Let’s see. What else can I tell you to put a wedge between me and annoying lefties? Oh, how about this?

I
AM WELL ON RECORD STATING MY DISDAIN AND CONTEMPT FOR
hippies (
idrinkforareason.com/austinhippieriff
). Any new-age, gytronics-Pilated Stevie Nicks wannabe armed with enough Dr. Bronner’s soap and a bushel of sage can, and
will, tell you in five “Oh wow, man’s” or less what’s wrong with the world/America. But they will consistently be erroneous
because they will have left themselves out of the equation, and they are very much a part of what’s wrong in America.