I Don't Want to Lose You (25 page)

             
He nodded.  “They want me to start chemotherapy again next week.  I told them it will have to wait until the week after.”

             
I put two and two together.  I was planning to use a bit of the money my father gave me to take his whole family to San Diego for a weekend as a belated anniversary gift to his parents and to get him to Sea World.  The trip was scheduled for the following weekend.

             
“If it's there, it's still going to be there when we come back,” he said. 

             
“The point is to attack it to try to slow it down,” I said. “Isn't it possible that you might be worse before then?”

              “Anything’s possible and I'm willing to take that chance.”

             
“Just so that I'm clear, anything that you can do to try to extend your life you are unwilling to do until this trip is over?”

             
“Yep,” he nodded.  “That's just how much it means to me to go.”  He sounded like a stubborn, little kid.

             
“And nothing I can say will change that?”

             
“I love you,” he said, “but no.  I don't want to start it and then go to San Diego and not have enough energy to enjoy myself.”

             
I shook my head.  “You're so stubborn.”  I dug in my purse for the information for the hotel reservation.  I called the hotel and asked them if they had availability for the coming weekend and they did.  I switched the dates.  The whole time he just sat and stared at me while smiling.

             
“This is why I think you'll be a great first lady for the state.  Your brain works so fast to find a solution to problems,” he said excitedly.  “You’re so amazing.  Maybe you should be the politician.”

             
“I'm glad you're a fan,” I said sarcastically.  “Now go apologize to your mom and tell her about the change in plans.  I hope it doesn't mess with her work schedule.  And call your doctor to get yourself scheduled for your therapy.”

             
As he left to go into the kitchen, all I could hear in my head was the ticking sound of a clock. We were already near the end of February.

             
That Friday evening after Mr. Cabrera got home from work, we drove two cars down to San Diego.  Manny rode with me and Theo.  That evening we went to an Italian restaurant for dinner and headed back to our two rooms at the hotel.  Manny wanted to sleep in the room with us that night and, after he got ready for bed in his parents' room, he came over to ours.

             
Watching the interaction between the two of them showed me how different their relationship was in comparison to mine with my sister.  My sister and I could continuously find something to talk about and it could go on for quite some time before there was actual silence.  Theo and Manny talked for a few minutes about how excited they were to go to Sea World and what they wanted to see.  When they were done, Theo turned to a channel that was showing some action figure movie like Batman or something.  They sat next to each other and watched it in silence.  My sister and I could never do that.  We would be commenting on how the outfit looked on the hero or what super power we wished we had.  Silence would be the last alternative and it would take a long time to get there because there were other channels to turn to.  That night Manny had the misfortune of falling asleep to the sounds of us taking turns reading War and Peace.

             
The next morning we all went down for complimentary breakfast and then headed over to Sea World.  I wasn't in the mood that day for being there but I didn't want to be a grouch, so I put myself on camera duty.  If someone said, “Look at that,” I followed the direction of the finger and clicked.  I was trying to keep the camera in front of me to block my face and the internal disinterest.  I was there for Theo.  I was not there for my enjoyment. With all that I had running through my mind, it made it hard for me to keep smiling or laughing when I heard someone else laugh so that I could pretend that I was paying attention.

             
Two days before I went to my doctor unbeknownst to my husband.  I had decided I had enough of the pill.  I didn't like how I was feeling about my body being on it and I had enough distractions and was having a hard time remembering to take it like I should.  My intention was to get an intrauterine device put in.  My doctor had me take a urine test before she proceeded and came back in the room with the results.

             
“You don't need an IUD.  You don't even need the pills anymore.  You're pregnant,” she said.

             
I nearly passed out.  That was the last thing I needed.  I had a husband that I expected to lose soon and now a baby was coming.  I felt overwhelmed to say the least.

             
After Sea World, Theo and I took Manny to an all you can eat buffet restaurant while his parents went to have a romantic dinner.  We went back to the room and, after they bathed and were ready for bed, I took a very long bubble bath.  I couldn't remember the last time that I had done that but I knew I had been living in my parents' home when it happened.  Normally I would take a quick five to ten minute shower and I was out, so it wasn't surprising when Theo kept knocking on the door every ten minutes to check on me. I wanted to be in the tub alone, just me with my thoughts; however the reality was quite the opposite.  I was officially in a funk.

             
The next morning we ate breakfast at the hotel before checking out and drove back home with Manny this time in the car with his parents.  Before I could pull out of the parking spot, Theo grabbed my hand and kissed it.

             
“Ma cherie,” he started, “thank you.  I had a lot of fun and I know Manny will never forget this.   Thank you for bringing my parents.  I just can't thank you enough.”

             
I faked a smile. “You're welcomed.  I'm glad that you enjoyed yourself.”

             
“I did.  But did you?”

             
I put a puzzled look on my face to pretend as though I didn't know what he was talking about.  I began to get mad at myself for not doing a better job of acting normal. “Yes, of course,” I answered.

             
“Really?  Because you seemed distracted and quiet.  Are you okay?  Did I do something?”

             
I wanted to say,
“Yes, you did something and that's why I have your spawn growing inside of me.”
  I thought better of it and said, “I don't know what you're talking about.  I enjoyed myself.  I'm just tired, love.  You didn't do anything.”

             
I drove back home while he read his book to himself.  Before I could walk to the front door he stood in front of me.  “You haven't said a word to me in two hours.   Not one word,” he said. “You didn't even turn on the radio or sing or anything other than drive. What's wrong?”

             
I shook my head. “I'm tired.  It was a lot of driving and last week was a long week.  I need to rest, that's all.”

             
I wished that truly was all.

CHAPTER THIRTY SIX

             
It had been so difficult to watch Theo try to handle the chemotherapy.  His mother would take him on the days that I had to work. I was able to change my work schedule to cut my hours and work until the early afternoon so that when he came home from his appointments, his mother could rest and I could take over from there. 

             
It was like clockwork.  Two days after doing chemo the side effects would set in, mainly vomiting.  I kept a bucket next to him to do it in; sometimes he made it and other times I was cleaning the bucket out and there was nothing for him to do it in.  Needless to say, I did quite a bit of cleaning and smelled of my new perfume, disinfectant.

             
Sometimes he would refuse to eat and I wouldn't fight him on it.  Other times I could sweet talk him into putting something in his mouth.  I did a lot of the cooking at that time since I knew Mrs. Cabrera's emotional drainage was affecting her physically. 

             
“Why don't you make burritos or tacos?” Theo asked me one day in between chemo appointments when he was feeling good.

             
“Because I'm not so stupid as to offend your mother,” I answered.

             
He looked confused.  “What do you mean?”

             
“You don't tell Chef Boyardee that you're going to go into his kitchen to make ravioli. You don't tell Aunt Jemima that you're going to show her how pancakes should really be made.  And you definitely don't go into a Mexican woman's house and show her how you think tacos and burritos should be done.  I'm not an idiot.  I'm trying to stay on her good side.”

             
“Hmm.  I never thought about it like that, but I would like to see how yours taste,” he said.

             
“Well then get better, get a job, get us out of here and get me my own kitchen and I will.”

             
He smiled.

             
“What?” I asked him.

             
“I missed you.”

             
“What are you talking about?  I've been here everyday.”  I didn't know how he could say that unless he was in a state of delirium.

             
“You haven't really been talking to me ever since San Diego. You've been taking care of me, but not talking to me.  You've been reading to me, not talking.”

             
I, again, failed to disguise that I had issues.  I was doing the best that I could to not make him feel as though I wasn't totally there for him.  It was official.  I stunk as an actress.  I could rule out getting any Oscar nominations.  “I'm sorry, Theo.  I didn't mean to make you feel neglected.”

             
He shook his head.  “I don't feel neglected.  You take good care of me.  I feel shut out.  And maybe it's my fault.”  He stopped for a long pause.  “Maybe it was selfish of me to ask you to marry me and take on all of this.”

             
“How could you even think that?  Don't you know that you saved me from possibly ruining my life?  I wouldn't take back being your wife for anything.”  I sighed due to being overwhelmed with emotions.  “I had an idea of what I was getting into and I'd do it all again.”

             
He nodded. “Okay, then why are you pulling away from me?  You're holding yourself back from me.  I know you, babe.  Something is going on.”

             
It was time for me to make a decision.  I either had to tell him and make him feel better, which could also make me feel better.  Or I could keep up with this bad acting job and say my infamous line, “I don't know what you're talking about.”  I bit my lower lip and looked around at everything but him.  Finally, I turned to look at him and could see from his neck that he was nervous.

             
I took a deep breath.  “I'm having a baby,” I said quietly mumbling.