I Am Yours (Heartbeat #3) (10 page)

“No.” Katie sulks. I place my hand against her neck, realizing how hard it must be to admit another one of her insecurities in my presence. “You know why.”

“Of course I do. It’s because of your health. But until you know what’s it’s like, don’t get on your high horse and tell me how to run my life.” Kelly folds her arms across her chest, daring Katie to continue down that path. “Besides, you should be glad I called him because he doesn’t think it’s such a good idea that I leave the city.”

Instantly, I advance on Kelly. “What are you saying? You’re not coming with me? What about Katie?”

“Hold on, Adam. Let me explain,” Kelly huffs impatiently. “Dr. Savoy’s found me a place on campus where I can reside for a month or so. He needs me close by. We’re at the end of a highly sensitive project and I don’t intend to abandon him when he needs me the most. The baby’s not due for a while. I can stick it out.”

“But, Kelly, you promised. I can’t go home. Not now.” Katie’s voice shakes as she tries to hold back her tears.

“Who said anything about you going home?” Kelly teases her consolingly. “The two of you will proceed as planned. I’ll be joining you soon, so what’s the difference? And after what I heard on the other side of this wall, don’t you want some alone time to get reacquainted or whatever you want to call it?”

“That’d be nice,” I can’t help muttering.

“But what about my dad?” Katie’s frightened eyes dart around, unsure of which one of us to focus on.

“Katie, how often does he come into the city?” Kelly asks, placing a hand on her hip.

“Hardly ever,” she says meekly.

“And what are the chances of him coming to Brian’s apartment or walking onto Penn’s campus?” Kelly demands, already knowing the answer.

“Not very likely,” Katie admits, even though she doesn’t sound convinced.

“Exactly. You have nothing to fear. Maybe it’s about time you enjoyed yourself instead of always looking over your shoulder.” She nudges Katie in the ribs, causing the corner of her mouth to turn up.

“Do you need me to drive you over there?” I sound way too eager, but the sooner I can get back on the road with Katie, the better. I have to get out of this apartment before I crack up.

“No, Dr. Savoy is going to stop by and help me transport some of my things. I’ll take with me only what’s absolutely necessary and come back for the rest in dribs and drabs. Hopefully I won’t bump into Brian in the meantime. Then, when this project wraps up, I’ll hire a moving company to cart out what’s left and place it in storage until I’m ready to look for a new place. See? It’s all going to work out perfectly.” She exudes such confidence, but is it all an act? Why such a drastic change in plans? I’m getting the impression that she likes to keep us off balance, making it seem like she’s the one in control and we’re not.

“So it’s cool if we take off?” I ask again, and Kelly smiles at me indulgently. If she were tall enough, I think she’d reach up and pat me on the head.

“Yes, the two of you can go, Adam. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.” There’s a hint of self-pity there that I pick up on. Should the woman who is seven months pregnant with my child be reduced to living in a dormitory?

“And where you’re staying…you won’t be alone?” I can’t restrain that protective instinct from kicking in. She’s playing right into my weakness.

“No, I won’t.” She doesn’t elaborate and I don’t press her for details.

“Adam, are you sure you’re up for more driving?” Katie asks, glancing at me in concern.

“Sure, what’s two more hours?” I try to be jovial about it, but honestly I’m wiped. “You wouldn’t have any source of caffeine I can take with me, would you, Kelly?”

“I have something even better. One of Brian’s energy drinks. He swears by them. He always keeps the refrigerator well stocked.” She doesn’t allude to Brian’s frequent hangovers and the ways in which he manages them. We both know my brother is a borderline alcoholic. We’re just too polite to mention it.

Opening the door, she rummages through the bottom bin. “Hmm, that’s funny. There’s only one left. He’s usually so fanatical about keeping enough on hand. He doesn’t like to run out.”

“Kind of like how you are with straightening out your office,” Katie chimes in, hitting her target. I knew she wouldn’t let Kelly’s comment about never having a boss go that easily.

“Yeah, something like that,” Kelly responds absently, only half listening. It’s as if she’s trying to figure something out, but what?

“Well, we’ll be on our way.” I take the can from her outstretched arm and hustle Katie to the door. I quickly unload Kelly’s luggage from my trunk while Katie says farewell to her cousin. We might be on speaking terms, but I’m definitely not hugging Kelly goodbye. That’s where I draw the line. Getting behind the wheel, I turn on the radio and shuffle through my iPod. I don’t even have time to settle on a song before Katie slides in beside me.

“Are you ready?” she asks like she can’t believe this is happening. We’re going to have a whole month to ourselves.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to get you alone.” I back out of the driveway before I place my hand on her knee. Soon Brian and Kelly’s apartment complex is out of view, and I exhale loudly in relief. “How about we run away together and never come back?”

“I’d like that. Until we run out of money or my father has you arrested.” She smiles, trying to make a joke out of it even though I know she’s dead serious.

“Maybe someday we’ll make our escape,” I muse, flipping the tab on the can of Red Bull.

“We can dream, can’t we?” She’s being completely ironic and I love her for it.

“Yeah, that’s an activity we’re definitely good at.” I start to laugh. Her hand once again finds my thigh, and I know that this is not a dream. It’s real. And for the first time in what seems like forever, I remember what it’s like to be happy.

Chapter Eighteen
Katie

Wow, this is really happening.

I’m standing at the base of the steps that lead up to Adam’s apartment. It’s exactly how I envisioned it, nestled at the end of a country road, surrounded by a dense forest. Only this time, I’m not running away…and this isn’t a dream.

I still can’t believe that my dad didn’t make me come home. He was kind of agitated when he found out that Kelly didn’t go through with the wedding, but due to her condition, he reluctantly said I could help her move into her new digs. If he knew that Kelly was actually in Philadelphia and I was shacking up with some guy, he’d flip out.

And since there’s only one bedroom, I have no clue where I’m going to sleep tonight. Talk about déjà vu. I have to snap out of it or Adam’s going to think something’s wrong, especially after I turned him down in Kelly’s hallway. But I’m terrified that my mind is playing tricks on me. It’s getting harder and harder to separate my dreams from real life as my fantasies start converging with reality. Talk about a head trip.

My palms get sweaty when I recall what happened between us in my dream world. It wasn’t long after I crashed at his place that we slept together. If the pattern holds true, I won’t be a virgin much longer, and I don’t know how I feel about that. He’s not the same Adam. That sense of security I clung to in my head isn’t translating into the vibe I get from the guy standing behind me.

“I hope it’s not too messy up there,” Adam comments, moving by me as he climbs the stairs.

I freeze, rooted to the spot. Those are the exact words he used in my dream. A chill runs through me, and I’m scared to death. It’s getting impossible to distinguish what’s real from what’s not. That familiar sense of dizziness overwhelms me and I grip the railing before crouching on the bottom step.

Adam’s hurries back down, his footfall echoing off the concrete walls. In an instant he’s at my side, his arm draped around my shoulders. “Hey…what is it?” he asks, genuinely concerned, although I can tell I’m freaking him out as his fingers automatically encircle my wrist. “Take some deep breaths for me, okay? Your pulse is skyrocketing.”

I breathe in. I breathe out. I breathe in. I breathe out.

When he’s taking care of me, his touch feels like it did before—tender, gentle, kind. There’s none of the wanting, the desire, the hunger. And while most girls seek that kind of attention, I don’t. I’d rather feel cherished and protected. Knowing that Adam respects me will do a lot more to lower my inhibitions than some random grope session. I hate being made to feel like an object, like he could be thinking of some other girl while he’s feeling me up. In my mind, we haven’t really known each other that long to justify such an intense physical relationship. I mean, I enjoy kissing him, but it dredges up things I’d rather forget about.

It’s why Kelly suggested that I start seeing Dr. Savoy in the first place.

***

I was confused after what happened to me at a bachelorette party for my cousin, Jennifer. I got drunk, really drunk, downing five beers, three whiskey sours, and a shot of tequila in just under three hours. Weighing a little over one hundred pounds, that was enough alcohol to have me floating off the ground—and enough to have a guy I knew from high school see how far gone I was at the bar. All of the other bridesmaids were wasted and he had no problem separating me from the group, marking me as unsuspecting prey.

Immediately, he shoved his tongue down my throat, roughly kissing me. It was my very first kiss from a guy—ever. I didn’t know what to do or how to react. His hands touched me in areas he had no business touching me in public. Getting nowhere fast, he proceeded to lead me out of the club and into his car. Stupidly, I thought I could trust him because I knew him. He wasn’t some random stranger. He was the older brother of Heather Thompson, the girl who sat in front of me in homeroom for four years. There’s no way he would hurt me…right?

After driving to an abandoned parking lot, he pulled down my jeans and panties, positioning himself on the floor mat on the passenger side. Spreading my legs onto the dashboard, he kneeled down, placing his body in between them. Without warning, his fingers tore into me and all I felt was the jaggedness of his hangnails chafing me. His actions didn’t bring any sense of arousal, only discomfort and pain. I begged him to stop, but he kept going, sticking three fingers inside of me instead of two. I don’t know what he was after, what kind of response he was hoping to elicit from me, but I obviously wasn’t giving him what he wanted. Finally giving up, he withdrew from me, leaving me to awkwardly pull on the bottom half of my clothing. Clearly frustrated, he got back behind the wheel. After starting the car, he didn’t say a word to me.

In fact, I never heard from him again, but the events of that night replayed over and over in my mind. I tried to repress them, forget about them, but they kept coming back. I was brokenhearted that I’d waited so long for my first kiss, only to have it happen like it didn’t even matter. He didn’t love me. Hell, he didn’t even like me. I was just an easy target. Probably the only reason he didn’t take it any further was because he did know me. Maybe he didn’t shove his dick inside of me because he didn’t think he’d be able to face his sister, knowing he’d raped one of the girls she graduated with in the front seat of his car. Maybe he felt some hesitation, which prevented him from following through on what he intended to do. I should be grateful that I got away unscathed, even though I felt used, cheapened.

I never told Jennifer what happened, although she was a nervous wreck when I wandered into the bar after he unceremoniously kicked me out of his car like a discarded cigarette butt. But her anxiety was mistimed. No one stopped me from leaving with him, and it was too late to feel bad now. There was nothing anyone could do. The damage was done. I didn’t want to prolong Jennifer’s guilt trip. She was days away from becoming a bride and getting her happily ever after. That sure as hell wasn’t the scenario I was facing.

For months, I kept it all bottled up inside. I had no one to talk to. I wasn’t even sure what had really happened. All I remembered was the sharp pain of his probing fingers. When I went for my first OB-GYN checkup, the doctor thought I was crazy when I tensed up so badly she couldn’t complete the exam. Instead of figuring out that something was wrong, she ended up getting annoyed that I was holding her up when she had a waiting room full of patients to see. I was overreacting. I needed to relax. But having her hands down there brought everything rushing back. After fifteen minutes of trying a variety of different speculums, she made me sit up and get dressed, advising me to reschedule when she could devote more time to completing the exam, but I never went back.

Then Kelly arrived with Brian. They were on their way to visit his brother, but I didn’t pay much attention at the time. I was too caught up in myself. Kelly noticed right away that something was wrong, and she cornered me on the tire swing in the backyard. I knew she’d been studying advance levels of psychology and I thought maybe she could help me. I told her everything. She didn’t judge me or make me feel bad about myself, but she didn’t exactly offer words of comfort either. She seemed excited about the details of ’my case’ and thought that I’d be a perfect fit for a clinical study her thesis advisor was conducting. His name was Dr. George Savoy and he was looking for people interested in sharing their traumatic experiences. She convinced me that I was a good fit and that I might be able to help others facing a similar situation.

When I hesitantly said I’d think about it, Kelly immediately called Dr. Savoy on her cell. She handed me her phone and said that he had a couple of questions he wanted to ask me. The interview went on for the next half hour with Kelly observing me from across the yard. His voice was hypnotic and I couldn’t believe how much time had passed when I finally hung up.

Kelly seemed super excited that I was going to assist them in their very important research. When Brian came out of the house after being stuck inside with my father, he motioned to Kelly that he wanted to leave. She whispered in my ear that she’d be in touch and how proud she was of me. Standing on the front porch, my dad tilted his head in our direction. But thankfully Kelly was able to avoid an interrogation when Brian blared the horn, urging her to hurry. Dodging my father, she ran toward the car, giving me an overly enthusiastic wave as they drove away.

After that, I talked to Dr. Savoy once a week on the phone, sometimes more. I was always shocked at how time seemed to fly whenever we spoke. Hours felt like minutes. I’d start a conversation with him while basking in the afternoon sun only to find myself in the dark when the call was over.

Dr. Savoy was especially interested in my dreams about Adam, which had started the night after Kelly’s visit. He wanted to know all about him. He thought it was my brain’s way of protecting itself after dealing with a traumatic sexual experience. I created in my head the perfect guy who would save me from my problems. He was the one who should’ve been my first kiss but wasn’t. In order to deal with the disappointment and shame that accompanied the events in the front seat of that car, I fashioned for myself a boyfriend I could handle. One I wanted to be with, one who didn’t push me too far.

He thought that, coupled with my poor physical health, the mental blow was a shock to my system. My immune deficiency would only worsen if I didn’t address my psychological issues. And he was right. Throughout the winter, I battled one illness after another, just wanting to feel normal again.

Dr. Savoy recommended that I sleep for longer periods of time. He felt that, by allowing my dreams to play out, they might reach a logical conclusion. When I’d dreamed that I lost my virginity to Adam, he saw it as a major breakthrough, signaling that I was ready to get back out there. He urged me to start dating, convinced that it was an essential step toward making a full recovery.

But that simplistic diagnosis only made me mad. I’d never even dated before Jennifer’s bachelorette party, so why would I jump into it now when my confidence was at an all-time low? Stubbornly, I refused to comply with his request, and Dr. Savoy wasn’t too keen on my obstinance. He even had Kelly call me, but to no avail. When my dad overheard a portion of our conversation, he told me to tell Kelly that he didn’t want me dating—end of discussion. He had no idea why she was being so adamant about it, so he got on the phone and gave her a good tongue-lashing. It was the only time I was ever grateful for his overbearing personality.

Soon after that, I stopped accepting Dr. Savoy’s calls, and Kelly’s pleas began to get desperate. They were so close to finishing the study. Why couldn’t I go on a date so they could wrap things up? Why was I making such a big deal out of it? Probably because I was scared out of my mind and she failed to realize it. It hurt that she was more concerned about her work than she was about me.

I was texting her off and on but letting her calls go to voice mail. It wasn’t until she left me a message that she was pregnant and that Brian had asked her to marry him that I decided to bury the hatchet. She was already six months along and I was a little upset that she’d waited so long to tell me, but I let it slide. She was so excited to have her wedding in the Outer Banks that she made me put my dad on the line, even though they hadn’t spoken since their big blow up. He didn’t say a word as she rattled on for nearly ten minutes. I started to get really worried, but finally he caved, saying I could attend as long as that damn paramedic was going to be there in case anything went wrong.

***

“Adam, I don’t think I’m ready to sleep with you.” My words hit him like a blow, causing him to reel back. “And I don’t think I’ll be ready any time soon.”

“Is this about what happened earlier? Because if it is…” Adam rakes his hands through his hair, suddenly afraid to touch me.

“It’s not.” I can’t believe the way he’s looking at me right now. A range of emotions is battling for dominance, his face expressing everything from surprise to disappointment to anger. He doesn’t know how to handle me, and it makes me sad. For some reason, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to explain, that he’d just understand. But it turns out he’s just a boy thinking with his dick.

“Then what?” He’s trying so hard to control his temper. By the way his foot is thumping against the ground I can tell it’s taking every last ounce of restraint for him not to lose it in front of me. After driving through the night and half the day, his patience with me is wearing thin. I hate to have to put him to the test, but what if he’s not the person I thought he was?

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have sex with anyone. Ever.” I bite my lip and wait for the verbal onslaught. What guy in his right mind wants to hear that? It’s like every dude’s worst nightmare.

“Katie, I don’t get it. You were fine in the Outer Banks when we were making out in your bedroom. Now all of a sudden you’ve flipped the script, and I have no idea what lines I’m supposed to say. I mean, how do I even respond to something like that?” He groans, propping his elbows on his knees, staring blankly ahead.

“I just want to let you know where I stand before we head up there. You only have one bed, and I—” His fingers dance across my lips, covering them before I can finish.

“Did some guy ever do something to you? Tell me the truth.” The directness of his question stuns me. Maybe he does understand me on some higher level. Maybe I was too hasty in writing him off.

“Why would you say that?” I stall for time, debating how much I want to tell him.

“Just answer the question.” His eyes have darkened into nearly a cobalt blue, highlighting the intensity of his gaze. He’s not going to be deterred on this.

“Yeah, I had a bad experience with a guy about a year ago.” I blink, unable to endure his penetrating stare. “Let’s leave it at that.”

“Let’s not.” He doesn’t mean to sound sarcastic, but he does and it makes me want to pull away from him. “Tell me what he did to you.”

“Adam, I—” I’m not going to be forced into talking about this. He needs to back off.