How to Outswim a Shark Without a Snorkel (12 page)

Puffer fish are able to gulp huge amounts of water to blow up into a ball several times their size to protect themselves from predators.

—Animal Wisdom

I left the Adventure Zone a little early, telling Ashley that I must have had some bad milk for breakfast. But the truth was, the whole thing with Logan and what Ashley had said about boys were making me feel rotten. Sometimes, no matter how much you want to hide from something, it sniffs you out like a hungry raccoon in a garbage can.

I had to face the truth. I hadn't gotten any closer to kissing Kevin. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to. Not that it mattered, because I was
so
not going to let Liv be the only one to kiss a boy this summer.

But no matter how much I thought about it or
wished
for it to happen, my first kiss with Kevin wouldn't happen if I didn't actually
do
something.

So how come I couldn't force myself out of bed?

Whipping my curtains closed to block out the cheery sun, I contemplated the chances of surviving the rest of junior high. I hadn't even hit eighth grade yet and already felt like I was failing somehow.

Was this why all those people in teen movies are always crying? Maybe the leap from twelve to thirteen is like jumping over an Amazonian river, where you're not sure if you're going to make it or be eaten by piranhas instead. It was enough to make me want to hide under my pillow until I was out of this mess called “puberty.”

Which, for the record, is the worst word
ever
in the history of all words.

Frowning, I plunked into my chair and turned on my laptop. Darwin, who had been snoozing with his head under his wing, grumpily shuffled on his branch with his feathers ruffled.

It was time to take charge of my destiny.

Or in the very least, Google how to do it.

Hammering on my keyboard, all I had to do was type
how
to
get
a
guy
to
and the autosuggestion came up:
how
to
get
a
guy
to
kiss
you.

Huh.

Maybe I wasn't the only clueless girl in the world, if so many people are wondering
how
exactly to get a guy to kiss you.

I scrolled through the links, clicking on the first web page. “Get a Guy to Kiss You in Three Easy Steps.”

Bingo!

“This is it, Darwin!” I said, my excitement buzzing in my fingers.

I pored over the page eagerly. Maybe it really was this easy. A smile crept over my face as I pictured Kevin, dipping me in silhouette against a sunset for our first kiss with romantic accordion music playing in the background. But was it weird that I felt panicky? Even though it was just my imagination? That was totally normal, right?

Step
1: Look good. Wear something nice that plays up your very best features.

I stepped over to my closet, letting Darwin shimmy up onto my shoulder. He clicked his beak in my ear as I inspected my clothes.

“Hmph,” I said, poking at the mismatched tops that hung limply on their hangers. Clearly I would need to put some more thought into this part.

Step
2: Smell good. Boys don't want to be close to you if you smell like smoke, or body odor, or have bad breath. Make sure you have a breath mint.

I cringed. See, living in a zoo doesn't exactly do wonders for your smell. I shower and stuff, but the smell of animals in the air tends to sometimes…cling. I didn't reek like body odor or sweat, but what if I smelled like the sharks or something?

Ooh!

A light bulb went off in my head. I knelt on my floor and dug around under my bed, feeling for the cardboard box from Christmas. Mom had given me a spritzer of orange blossom body spray last year and I'd never found a good reason to try it out. What better reason than for your first kiss? I didn't even know oranges had blossoms, but maybe these body-spray gardeners knew something I didn't.

I stood in front of the mirror and spritzed some on my wrists where Keira Knightley does it in those perfume commercials. I took a quick sniff. It smelled like orangesicles, but it was still super faint. Maybe body spray wasn't as strong as real perfume? Better give it a few more shots. And maybe one on my chest. When I was done spritzing, I definitely didn't smell like hippos.

Step
3: Ask him to teach you something. Boys love to feel useful, so giving them a chance to show off will make them like your company more. Now that you're bonding, when the moment is right, you'll know it! Lean in, close your eyes, and enjoy the moment!

Hmm.

I hadn't thought of that. Kevin was
always
teaching me things. He'd even tutored me for our math exam a couple months ago. Could he have wanted to kiss me then? Did this rule apply when the guy is supersmart and is basically always teaching
everyone
?

And what's this leaning in business? How much are you supposed to lean in? In the movies, the girl usually just has to lean in a teeny bit with her eyes closed, and the guy shoves his face toward her and they kiss all dreamy-like. Was I supposed to open my mouth? That's what the breath mint is for, right?

But what if I don't want to?

Can I kiss him and keep my lips closed? Or would that be too much like how I kiss my parents? What if Kevin thinks I'm a freak because I don't want to kiss him like
that
? Or does it even matter?! I bet he's not sitting there wondering this about
me
, so how much of a noob am I?!

Why
is
this
so
hard?!

“Time's a wastin'!” Darwin squawked in my ear. I shrugged him off to the top of his cage. He'd picked up that phrase from when Grandpa was here, always keen to start his next project.

“Okay, fine,” I said, shoving my laptop away. “I'll call him.” The fact that I knew this was inevitable didn't make the moment any easier. Like knowing you have to go to the dentist, but still not being able to stop the clammy-palm jitters while you're sitting there in the waiting room listening to those horrible drilling sounds.

I
will
call
him. I will set up a real date and we will kiss and Liv won't leave me behind in the dust and we'll marry brothers and everything will be fine. Easy peasy.

Darwin chattered happily, scratching his head with his sharp claws. I wondered for a second if parrots made kiss pacts.

I picked up the phone and dialed Kevin's number before I could chicken out. I'd talked to him tons of times on the phone, so there was no reason to be scared, right? Just a first-kiss plan that he happened to not know about.

No big deal.

“Hello?” He answered on the second ring.

Ah, big deal!

“Uhhh,” I stammered. I smacked the phone against my temple a couple times, trying to focus.

“Hello? Anyone there?” Kevin's voice was light, like he was close to laughing.

“Hi!” I yelled. Why did I always yell when I was nervous? “Hey, I mean,” I said. “It's me. Ana. You know.
Annnaaaaahhh
.”

Brilliant.

“I was wondering if you wanted to meet up some night?” I asked. I turned my back on Darwin, whose little beady eyes seemed to say, “You are such a fool.”

But Kevin was normal Kevin. “Oh? You want to go to the robot shop with me and Daz?”

Gulp.

I hadn't thought that far ahead. What
were
we going to do? Besides, you know, hopefully kiss and not have me freak out about it.

“No!” I said. I dialed back the volume again. “No, I thought maybe you and I could go to…” I darted a look around my room, looking for inspiration. Dirty laundry? Nope. Darwin's dirty cage? Double nope.

A pile of unread books stared back at me from my desk. “The bookstore! I want to pick up a book and figured since you're supersmart there's probably
always
a book that you want to read, so…” I trailed off, hoping Kevin could fill in my obvious, spasmy gaps.

“Oh, cool!” he exclaimed. My breath rushed out of me so loud he probably thought I was blowing up balloons over here. “That would be great. There's a couple new books I'd love to check out,” he said.

I nodded, staring at my own widening eyes in my mirror.
Breathe.
“Cool. Okay then, so…how's Thursday? I can meet you at the zoo gate if your mom can give us a ride,” I said. Thursday felt safe because I
knew
Friday was a date night thing, and I was afraid it would tip him off on my plan.

When I hung up the phone, I felt good. Like I could do anything. Maybe this whole growing up and being mature thing was more about faking it till you make it?

I stared at Darwin, who was bobbing his head like a maniac. “Ana banana! Closet banana!” he screeched.

I clapped my hand over my mouth. “That's right! Step two! I need
clothes
!” I gawked at Darwin in a panic. He cocked his head and whistled ominously.

At least, I think it was ominous. Because the realization I had seemed to be accompanied with some pretty serious shock. There was only one person I could think of that would save me now.

“I need Ashley's help,” I said.

“Ashley?” I ducked under the plastic tarp at the Adventure Zone and headed straight for the locker room. A bellowy noise grew louder as I poked my head around the exhibit. “Hello? Anyone here?”

“Ana!” Patricia's voice was sharp. “Get in here right now!”

That didn't sound good. I raced to the back room.

“Patricia! What's the matter? Are you hurt?” I cracked open the door, bracing myself for whatever was on the other side.

But Patricia wasn't hurt.

Instead, she was surrounded by hermit crabs. And I don't mean in cages either.

“What the heck happened here?!” I leaped back from the door as crabs clicked their way underneath my feet. They were everywhere—under tank displays, creeping along near doorways, and skittering along the walls. Ashley was crouched on her knees, doing her best to scoop some of them up into a plastic bin. She glared at me with stony eyes.

Patricia's voice cut through me like glass. “I'll tell you what's happened,” she said. She gestured through the window to the back of the crab exhibit. My eyes widened as I saw the lock, hanging limply on its hinge. The door had swung wide open, with sand and pebbles scattered all over the floor.

“Oh no!” I said. “How'd this happen?” I scratched my arms. Already the sight of them was making me itchy. I knelt down to help her gather them up one by one, trying to avoid the snippy little claws.

“Someone didn't lock the door before you left earlier. Ashley's got them cordoned off from the rest of the exhibit now, but we need to move fast. It was only you in here before.” She held her hands on her hips. Her look of disappointment made my heart jolt. Behind her, Ashley was kneeling down beside a bucket, keeping her eyes on the swarming mass of crabs on the floor.

Panic washed over me. I
had
fed them earlier, before Ashley and I had started to sort shells. Had
I
done this?

Then I remembered the lock journal. Relief swirled through me. “I did feed them,” I told her. “But I know I closed the lock, for sure. I wrote it in the journal too, like always.”

She shook her head, the lines around her eyes softening. “Ana, you can tell me the truth.”

“It is the truth!” I rushed over to the red notepad hanging by the fridge. “See. Right here.” I pointed to today's date where I'd signed my name under the crab cage exhibit on the list. But when I looked down at the page, it was gone.

“Hey,” I squeaked. This didn't make sense.

I examined the page, looking for smudges. I'd written it in the red wax pencil, exactly like every other time…

Patricia pursed her lips.

“Maybe you're remembering a couple days ago, Ana,” Patricia said. She sounded defeated, like she wasn't going to believe me, no matter what I said. She replaced the notepad and wiped her sleeve across her forehead. “Come on. We need your help rounding these guys up.”

“No!” I said. My voice was louder than I wanted it to be, but I
knew
I had double-checked that lock.
And
that I'd written my name in the journal.

Ashley's eyes darted to mine, then back to the ground in a flash.
Too
fast. Something was off.